My 2 cents

I would leave them for now.
Should you two stay on a road that heads to recovery, perhaps you can talk about the photos then......far into the distance.

Meanwhile, keep in mind, though the bracelet has a story, it is just a thing. A bracelet.

Most likely after seven years of being betrayed you will need to learn to deal with triggers as a fact of life.

Try to focus on how darn cute the kids are with her in the pics for now.

when you do talk to her about them you can always have them scanned and have someone photoshop the braclet out of them. It is easy to do and the picture will be better than new.

I used to work at a printing company and they did stuff like that all the time.

I think tonight is an important night for my marriage as we will be alone and Im really getting nervous Im going to have trouble not getting into a war with her. Im concerned a little.

By the way, so you know, my wife's best friend from college and her husband are the greatest people we know. They completely impartial and have be almost as good as you guys helping me through the first days. I ran to their house for an overnight the first week for some of their counseling. And my WW friend is counseling my wife. And doing amazing things for both of us. Anyway, she said take the pictures without saying anything put something new up.

High road. Im there.

I'll throw my thoughts in, here, too: if those photos were on MY refrigerator and they were upsetting to me, I'd take them down. AND I would tell my wayward that they were upsetting to me, and why. Not in anger, because that anger would be misplaced. You need to remove those photos as a way of caring for YOU. Because they are triggers for you.

If they are photos you really like, put them somewhere safe. Maybe later on you could consider photo-shopping the bracelet out, as was suggested.

I agree with Maritalbliss,

If they were triggers for me they wouldn't be in the open for me to deal with every day...........discuss it gently, she should understand.......
enjoy your evening.....
jessi

It was done gently. Picture removed. It was textbook.

That's awesome Mike! Now hold it together and have a great night with your W :-)

Mike,

I go out of town for a day or so, and look at the trouble you get yourself into. Fortunately, you have gotten excellent advice.

Mike years ago a wrote to a poster here about "fighting" for their marriage. I don't recall all of it, but let me point out, that you "fight" for a marriage by NOT FIGHTING YOUR W. You work WITH her to rebuild this marriage.

The bracelet/necklace which ever it was, is a trigger, so will other things. Why don't you sit down with your W and discuss this with her. She clearly understands as she sold the jewelry without you even asking. Ask her to search and remove triggers such as photos of her with OM, you with OM, her wearing things OM gave her, etc. Bring her into the process OK?

Next someone very smartly pointed out that since she has lied to you for 4? 7? years, that lying is going to be hard for her to stop. You need to be aware of this, but so does she. It is second nature to her and you know why. She needs to know this so that she is more sensitive to her own lies. My bet is that it is almost automatic now, and that must change. It will not change overnight. Discuss it with her, see if she has some ideas of how the both of you can address this issue. Her lies hurt you worse than her sleeping with OM, and if they continue they will hurt you more. YOu both need to acknowledge this and start to develop a plan to address it.

Finally, Mike anger is a lousy way to handle anything. A better way to address it is to see what is driving the anger and focus on that, and then let it pass. You don't have to prove to your W that you are hurt. You don't have to prove to your W that you are a victim. But, you do have to prove to your W that you will not remain a victim and so far you have not done a great job of it.

You don't want her pity, you want her love and respect. Yelling, and whining are not going to engender either love or respect.

This is early Mike, the time line is measured in years. You have the time, use it productively. I will tell you this, your silence is far more powerful, than your NOISE (yelling). But, even more effective is your ability to think, and then address what you are thinking, what you need, what you desire, and where you want to be.

Hang in there.

JL

Quoted for truth.

Mike, I mentioned that I had my 'moments' after D-Day. You ain't heard the half of it, friend. I ranted, I raved. I threw things. I struck my husband. I got drunk and accidentally injured myself while in my drunken grief and rage, requiring a trip to the hospital. Very nice. Not. It was not pretty. I was not pretty.

Every time I allowed my hurt and anger to unleash in such a negative way, it harmed both of us. It colored the atmosphere in our home and our children felt it.

And my H became numb to it. His word. That was not the response that I wanted. What response did I want? I wanted it to never have happened. What I was doing to 'make it go away' was not working, and was harming us. That's when I started printing things off MB. That's when I ordered SAA. That's when I sat down with him and really started talking. And talking. The more we talked about the A and the damage it had done, the more bonded we became. It was almost magical, the way it worked.

Anger against your WW is not your friend. I'm glad you were able to remove those photos without a scene. And I agree that you need to talk to your WW about the concept of triggers. You're going to be dealing with those for a while. She should be on board with the concept and help you through those triggers.

And YOU, JL: I don't recall you asking for permission to leave town. We'll let it go this time.

That was me...and you said what I was kinda trying to get at, only 1000 times better. Please don't sweep this under the rug, your W has a lot of work to do in this area (O&H) and she is going to need your help, Mike.

Hope you both have a great night

good job mike! I was the quite one- only 2 outbursts, thew my renewal wedding dress at him and a roll of toilet paper. not a shining moment. the silence was very powerful for him, it showed him i was in control of this. he says he was in awe of my calmness. hope you have a good weekend. Did you buy her a bday present? thought i'd ask.

having friends support both of you during this time is helpful, are they responding to her positively?

put a picture of you your W and the kids in its place.

I'm so sorry, chicka, but this struck me as hilarious! The dress and tp at the same time?

it was funny. i did laugh after. not at same time 2 diff nights. the tp was because he was crying. giver.....

its still funny.

i know mike asked but i can figure out the laughing guy. and it jump when i quote

You have to be on full screen reply and the Smiles will be right above where are are typing. Not the ones right under your subject line. I still like this one the best.

Yes Mamam It won't happen again.

JL

You're way too valuable. Now don't go thinking you're all that.

Don't worry MB I'm too old for that. Thanks for the compliment though. I like everyone else here try to do my best. I think Mike is one that can make it but it will be tough for awhile given the length of the affair.

Good thing he has you and others to keep him straight.

God Bless,

JL

Uneven. The best way to describe last night. I fought the need to open up a war and I lost. Brought up the past by needing to know more about quantity of sex. Because someone mentioned it, I wanted to know how much he got. And, on the way to the restaurant I started in. I know the answers, but I had to ask. It was like any new relationship where the 2 had unending amount of time to do whatever. I was calm, but even calm questioning doesnt help. I kept it going during dinner until she said stop.

We got home and had a long conversation, she cried, I cried we made committments. She understood my need to know. But, she said I was asking the same questions hoping for a different answer which she could provide, but would be lying.

Im hoping the books coming next week can help me with the enormity of their relationship, this wasnt a one time hookup at bar or weekend in Vegas, this was a long time thing. That, my friends is the core of my issue, how do I just stop thinking about the day in, day out love affair she had. I know and remember how much new couples have each other. I know he asked for it everyday, she says she obliged some days others she ran. If I guess once a week for all that time, I get physically sick.

I dont want to hurt my kids, but at some point seeing their father having mental breakdowns is not good either. Would me leaving reduce these breakdowns? Dont know. Probably not.

Me leaving has a lot of charm to it despite the sheer disaster it will cause. We would have to move, put my kids in new schools, Id have to find a place, shed have to find a place, the reason for the break up would be known, her reputation would be known, so theyd have to leave our community. My kids would hate her for what she did and they would learn in its entirity the reason for the divorce. And, in reality, if I fought for the kids, I might be able to get sole custody as I have a full time job, family, and didnt have a 5 year adulterous affair. So, I guess its an excercise in self defense, but THIS is how I can even out this MF'er in one move. Id be free to find someone who wants me and wont be swayed by superficial BS. And, she'd be ruined.

Somebody said I won the battle, I got her. I told her those words, but they ring hollow when I think about her laying with OM for month after month.

Im in pretty bad shape as it turns out.

Mike,
I understand exactly where you are, my WH had a similar LTA for 6 years with someone I thought was a friend, he too struggled with the enormity of the deception in particular over he last 18 months and did try to end it repeatedly during that time but failed. (yes he is a weak willed F**k wit).

I know they were having occasional sex, I hate the pictures in my head but have over the last 5 months been learning how to put them out of my head. I use visualisations mostly, I either watch her slipping down the sink hole with the dirty washing up water or I turn up the brightness on the pictures till they are just white light. It takes practice and time but mostly works.

In terms of managing triggers, and there are lots, I am now able to say...'oh yes, a trigger, and deliberately put my mind onto something good for me, sometimes a pic of us having a good time, a memory of something nice he said lately etc. Hang on in there, breathe and relax. Another thing that does work is smiling, yes I know it feels a bit odd to be grinning away to yourself in the car but it changes something at a deeper level. No idea how it works, something to do with brain chemistry but it does.

My thoughts are with you!