Thank you Opt. I so appreciate that you take the time to post to me . . . as for the plans, I am coming to realize that, that is about my recovery and what is doing the best for me. I have been far too wrapped up in this. I too have quite a temper, and have been very judgmental. I am working on these things. It is a total mental workover and I understand it takes time.

I have read other posts on SAA but am finding it too painful right now. It makes me cry to read all this, and I believe I will have to order the book, my library doesnt seem to have it.

This forum has truly been a life saver for me.

Amen Iz. When you first discover your spouse is cheating the tendency is to think "what did I do to make them stray?" It's backward thinking and wrong, but everyone does it. However, it does become a great opportunity to take inventory of one's bad habits (plan A is about presenting the best possible you...). I identified the bad habits and got to work on the ONLY thing our "marriage counsellor" ever said that made any sense: "bahaviors repeated become habits. Habits repeated become character" ----it helped me.
note: it's easy to be judgemental when you're unhappy and in a negative relationship. I was an expert. Now that I'm out of that I'm a lot more...."live and let live."
also note: I ordered a lot of Harley's books pre-read from Barnes and Nobile, but don't tell anyone.
I know it can be hard to read the SAA stuff, but if you pick a couple of threads, you will definitely see patterns. And it's good to know you're not the only one going through stuff like this. It can be overwhleming if you try to read them all.
hang in there izzy
opt

Good advice from my buddy optimism. I agree 100% about Plan B. Izzy, Plan B is where you should be right now. It will allow you to remove yourself from the pain of his affair. You will be amazed at how good you feel after a few weeks. Plan B is a complete and total separation where you don't allow him to contact you except through an intermediary and ONLY about pertienent issues regarding finances and visitiation.

I would also strongly urge you to file for divorce NOW so that you have child support and custody matters legalized before his skank files. You desperately need good legal protection. Get that NOW!

And get the book Surviving an Affair. You can get it free if you email the radio show and ask Dr Harley for advice.

DITTO What Melody said.

Izzy, between Melody Lane posting to you and Pep following along, you really have two some of the "best of the best" advising you. None of us could afford this type of assistance if we were to go paying for it. Please check out Pepperband's thread bumped to the top of this forum if you haven't already done so.
I hope you will consider the quoted advice very highly. I think you should pursue even a call into the radio show. You would be getting more free guidance- from Dr. Harley himself. As important: you could possibly help someone else in your situation. That is very empowering and the experience would help you in gaining some strength to manage this predicament you are in.
You can do this Izzy.

opt

Izzy,

The purpose of Plan B is to protect you and preserve any chance of M recovery in the future. Your WH is a "wayward". Everything he says comes straight from the wayward handbook. Everyone here has heard it or said it. You set up your Plan B to go dark and protect your own emotions, strengthen yourself, allow him to see what life without his M looks like...without you, without COM, having to fully live with the reality of OP (which usually isn't to appealing in the full light of day). You set up an intermediary that will filter information only providing you with information that is truly necessary. Check out the Plan B information over in General. This is your starting point. For your own sanity and healing. AND you need to file for CS to protect your COM before this skank does.

New development. WH has disappeared. Called police and found out OW had already called. Finally contacted her and found out he has been lying to us both. Meanwhile, he is GONE

Oh Izzy, I am so sorry hon, but it's not surprising. Lying is part of the required course work in the wayward handbook. Of course, he's been lying to both of you. If you feel like sharing, what did you find out? Remember, this is an anonymous board and no one knows you. Let us help you sort through this.

This is one of the best most concise descriptions of Plan B I've seen. I'm sure it was presented to me this way during my adventures with now-Exww, however, I don't think it quite sank in. I highlight if for you Izzy so hopefully you will grasp it better than I did.
I know you're following Scotty over on SAA. Hers is a very good story for you to familiarize yourself with. She has gained so much strength in her Plan B it's amazing.

You have to understand you may not save your marriage with Plan B (and you may have decided to cto cut ties at this point anyway...), but it's also a very good way to extricate yourself and your precious children from a very abusive and unhealthy mess.

opt

Izzy, I also think it's time to consider moving your thread over to the regular "surviving an affair" board; something I was going to suggest soon anyway. Scotland is there, Princess is there (she's great), and so many others who are very well versed in situations like yours, and people going through similar nightmares. You'll get more "traffic" and lots of good ideas and encouragement.

...something to think about.

If you get to a point that you have questions about how to deal with OC issues, Then bring those here for discussion. But you can get more traffic and help in general for the phase you are in right now.
Izzy, it is a phase that you will get through.

Fled

How do I switch this thread to the SAA?

At the bottom of your post you'll see a "notify" button. Just hit that and you'll be prompted to write a little message to the moderators. They'll check it and do their magic for you.

By the way. I'm sorry for whatever new drama you're going through with the cops and the lies, and everything else. It seems to be a way of life for waywards - it's like the more screwed up things are, the less focus is on how screwed up they are...IDK.

I don't go on the SAA board much Izzy, but I'll follow you there for sure and offer whatever additional encouragement I can.

~optimism

Izzy, I hope you don't mind me taking the liberty of reposting the above posts for the benefit of people here as you have recently moved over from the Pregnancy board. Hopefully it will make it easier for folks here to "catch up" with your situation and offer some pointer/suggestions, etc.

I hope you can also elaborate a little on the recent events, that may help. Also, tell us where you're at as far as your desire to save the marriage, move on, go to Plan B to give yourself some time to heal/decide. How are the kids handling this nonsense? How much do they know? Have you availed yourself to any supportive friends and family? I know it's hard to talk about, but this is a very tough nightmare to handle alone and your husband is not available...

optimism

hi i am back after a brief absence. Opt, thank you and the others for taking the time to help me deal with this. OK, let me begin by responding to your last post: after WH reappeared and I confronted him with his lies to us both, I realized he only wanted to get me out there so the kids would be there. HE has no desire to save the marriage and after all this bull crap I dont either. I am disgusted by the person he has become. The kids are pretty down on him, the oldest knows what has been going on and calling me foolish for even believing his lies. My DS, who is 11, only sees how his dad acts and is very very disappointed in him. They both know of his lies, he has lied to them also. He came back to the state and is, I presume,staying with her and her family. I took my steps to prepare financially when this first happened. Right now I am so sad and so mad it is just very confusing. And, now that school is out, I can barely get on the computer to do anything, and my DD is savvy enough to figure out my posting and I really dont want them to know EVERYTHING. I am trying to handle my anger but not doing well. I really want him to suffer as we have suffered.

i believe my love bank is busted. I cant tell if I hate him or hate what he has down but it is very hard to differentiate the two.