I remember the shame and embarrassment that I felt. Then I realized that WS is the one who should be embarrassed by choosing to lie and betray his family. I was the loyal and faithful one.

Fighting for your marriage is something to be proud of. Hold your head high and do whatever it takes. Save the embarrassment for the waywards who are the ones that deserve it.

Mulan,

GREAT point -- which you may have made to me and I didn't believe at first. My wife was Ms. Independent, a feminista she called herself...kept her own last name in Marriage....

And you know what, **edited**? after exposure, after standing up for my wife and my family...she understood and thanked me for 'caring enough to save me' and being 'the man, the leader' of the family.

Mulan is 100% correct on this one...i wouldn't have believed it at the time my W was so fogged out, but IT MATTERED TO HER that I loved her enough to do SOMETHING to save her (us).

thanks.

**edited**,
You came here asking for impressions, thoughts, and advice. You got the same key of advice from Melody (many years ago), me (two years ago) and HFD (still raw, months ago), and many others fitting in amongst the spread.

EXPOSURE KILLS AFFAIRS!

Let's reduce this to the barest elements. Your wife is (let's call it what it is) "iffy" about breaking off her EA (more on that later) with OM. And in line with her lack of commitment to kicking THAT sordid relationship to the curb, and re-committing to her marriage, she would be dead-set against exposure. (If she was FOR exposure, she would have told the world; she's obviously not holding back out of respect for YOU.) So if the affair-affected/infected WW is AGAINST exposure, by first principles, on the basis that you want to recover your marriage, you should be fanatically FOR exposure.

NOW, we come to the critical element of urgency.

Here is the first equation in the Algebra of Infidelity:

EA + Time + Opportunity = PA
Q.E.D.

The given in this equation is the existence of the EA, and the PA is (presumably) what you need to ensure is not achieved. Opportunity is GUARANTEED if they continue to work together. (The 20 days left this school year we've already touched on.) The way to reduce the variable Time to blow this up NOW. Without exposure, the insidious little affair-endorphines will continue their work on your WW.

I, to, am married to an EA-impacted teacher. In my own style, without proper MB-coaching, in my own way, I acheived a type of "exposure" and killed the EA in TWO HOURS.

In other words, in the time since my last post, you could have ended this whole tawdry affair.

My guess is that this has already turned physical.

From the first thread:

**edited**, an EA escalates to a PA quickly. If there were any nighttime "get-togethers" or "hang-outs" and you weren't there, then that is a huge .

Look at what Dr Harley says:

Here

**edited**, I gave you plenty of advice in your first thread, from the standpoint of a guy who was IN an affair -- I gave you firsthand insight into the wayward mindset. And you just blew it off, like you know better.

As I see it, here's where your knowing better has got you: To a point where your wife is aching to bang the teacher next door, if she hasn't already. So maybe it's time to consider that maybe you don't know better?

Every crucial piece of advice you get, you come up with some kind of excuse as to why it won't work for you -- why you can't fully expose, why you can't GPS her, why you can't ask her to leave the job.

Google "Sidwell Friends sued over affair" to get a current-news picture of why the school where your wife & OM teach should be very interested in separating your wife & her OM asap in order to avoid bad PR and potentially major legal expenses for the school. You've got great leverage here to help end the affair immediately!

Yet you refuse to use it! Because you've convinced yourself that your wife will cheat more because you're not accommodating enough to her wants.

You've got that totally wrong. The reason she's cheating isn't because you're not accommodating enough. And even if you haven't been making a proper effort to meet her top emotional needs up to now, that's not the reason she's in an affair, either. The reason she's in an affair is that her boundaries are gone.

But she can't recover those boundaries until she gets through withdrawal; and she can't get through withdrawal, because she can't even start withdrawal, because you're such a nice, accommodating guy that you're allowing her to remain in daily contact with her affair partner. (And I can tell ya -- heck, I already told ya -- how well that approach worked at killing MY emotional affair.)

You think that by being accommodating & not taking firm stands, you can meet her emotional needs & win her back. Dude, here's the thing: You can't fill her emotional needs glass, because she's already getting it partially filled just by being in contact with this other guy. Ever try to pour water into a glass that's already full? What happens? Yeah, exactly: Most of what you pour just spills impotently, ineffectually, onto the table, instead of going into the glass.

And you talk like the prospect of disruption to her career is more of a threat to your marriage than her affair. Is it about the money? Have you priced out what an extra residence & a pair of family lawyers will cost ya? No way should you be tolerating her staying in contact with her affair partner on account of career/financial reasons, unless you'd rather be her pimp than her husband.

Sorry to speak so frankly. But I wouldn't lie to you, man. No, you don't deserve & didn't ask to be where she's put you, but there you are. Saving your marriage will require doing what you need to do, not what you think you can get away with doing. It isn't fair to you. But that's the hand you've been dealt; and you've gotta play it the best you can. That extra 20 days will allow her to remain wayward, and waywards can do some crazy stuff if given enough time. If you want to save your marriage, you need to let her know that you're willing to put your marriage first, ahead of career & other considerations. But your (in)actions so far are sending her a clear signal that you are not willing.

**edited**!! Listen to GloveOil! !!

I do have to say that you guys get a bit defensive. I am only bouncing ideas off of you and explaining my concerns. I am not discounting your advice completely.

With that said I have outed the affair to our families and friends. Again I was reluctant at first but all of your help showed me that it was necessary.

Unfortunately because of making the A public, she has said that she is done with me and will leave me. I know this can be anger talking, but I am hoping that her family and friends can help provide the pressure she needs to see things properly.

If not, then I don't want to be married to her anymore. I am not going to live my life having to track, monitor and control my wife. If that is what is needed then I will end things. I am only 29 and feel that I can find someone else.

This forum is the reason that I brought the affair public and I thank you for that. I am worried that because of this she will run to her lover's arms, but only time will tell. How can someone we love more than anything, betray us so blatantly? It is hard to understand.

Thanks for all of your help and support.

I am going to email the OM. Can anyone help me with what to say? I want to convince him to leave her alone so that we can fix things. Has anyone else had success with this?

Have you contacted the OMW yet?

I have not found a way to contact the OMW yet, but I am working on it. I am told by my W friend that he has moved out of his house because of the A. I just sent him this:

**edited**, I am **edited**'s husband. I know that you two have had an affair. I have evidence of this and know what you two have been up to.

This upsets me immensely and it bothers me just as much that your involvement with **edited** has ruined your marriage. I know that you and **edited** have become close. As far as I know it was not intentional on either of your parts. It has however destroyed my life as well as severely damaged our families lives.

**edited** and I both need for you to stay out of our lives COMPLETELY. This will not end in two failed marriages because of the two of your infidelities. Our problems are fixable and have been compounded indescribably by you.

She is tenured at school and has been there much longer than you. You NEED to leave the school. You have aided in destroying a marriage and need to realize that there will be consequences for both of you if this continues.

I need you to be honest with me and admit to the magnitude of your affair. Man to Man. I feel that after all of these lies, it is the least you can do.

I love **edited** more than you may realize. You have heard a very one sided version of our marriage. It is something that should have never been discussed with you in the first place. Stand up and do what is right.

Stay away from my wife.

I also sent this to two women on the OM facebook page with the same last name as his.

I also just sent this to two people on the other man's facebook page with the same last name.

OM is having an affair with my wife. This is not a joke or prank. I am not exactly sure of your relationship with OM but I want to bring this affair to light so that I can have my wife back.

My name is ****** and I am letting you know that OM who works at ****** is having an affair with my wife ******. This has been going on for about 6 months. I am working on rebuilding my relationship with my wife and am 100% committed to it. Fixing our marriage cannot happen until OM leaves her completely alone. He needs to leave to school as she has been there much longer than he!

They are both teachers and have crossed many lines and committed many lies. I believe that this is the reason; or at least a major factor in ruining OM�s marriage. This affair is not right and I hope that your will express this to OM so that he will be motivated to do what is right and leave the school and leave my wife alone!

I hope you will understand the severity of the situation.
Thank you for your help.
*****

**edited**

You should remove the real names.

Cypress

**edited**, you are doing great! Just don't let up. You have the affair on the ropes and the worse thing you can do is let them scare you into submission. Keep going until you have done a complete and comprehensive exposure. I would get to his wife TODAY and tell her about the affair. Get the OM's home address, drive there and tell her. It is critical that you do this TODAY before he spins the story to his wife and makes you out to be a "crazed jealous husband."

Find his parents on his facebook and send them an exposure letter. As soon as you read this, immediately go to his page and copy and paste his contacts into a WORD doc.

I would also send the school administrator a letter as soon as possible. Most schools have a website with email addresses on it. I would expose to the principal, an admistrator and perhaps a board member. Here is a sample letter you can use.

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

And don't let her anger and threats scare you. THEY ALL SAY THAT. You can expect to hear a bunch of threats and blah, blah, blah....don't even let it bother you for a second. She is just angry that you have interfered with her affair. When she sees she can't scare you into submission she will calm down and accept you mean business.............and RESPECT you for it.

Dont' try to reason with her, it is useless. Just tell her you will do what it takes to kill her affair because you love her! Then SMILE! You are doing great!! Just don't let up, friend! Get your money's worth.

Did you tell her parents and have they agreed to speak to her? If not, I would ask them to use their influence TODAY to persuade her to end her affair with a married man. It would be helpful if one of your parents could call the OM and scare him off. If I were your mother I would do this.

My wife's family is 100% working to support our marriage. I have also asked them to contact the OM to help pressure him and scare him away.

That is great that her family is supporting you! I will just warn you that emailing the OM is unlikely to avail much. That is not really any pressure at all. He has already demonstrated that he doesn't care about you. He is a scumbag who cares nothing for your wife or your marriage, after all. Real pressure will come from exposing to his parents, family, employer and his WIFE. I would also enlist the OM's family in your effort. You need to get his done TODAY, **edited**.

I cannot emphasize the importance of doing a complete and thorough exposure at the same time. Trickle exposures cause more harm than good, because they are just enough to piss off the affairees but not enough to kill the affair. It is the same as bringing a pea shooter to a gun fight. You enrage the affairee enough to come after YOU. If you are going to enrage your wife, at least have something to show for it.

Don't stop, **edited**. You will dearly REGRET it.

Go and see her, **edited**. TODAY. Go to the OM's house and knock on his door.

Go for it **edited**.. listen to Melody

Thanks guys but this isn't working. She has now changed all of her passwords so that I don't know what is going on and she said she is moving out because she is so mad that I told her family. I am not sure what is going to happen.

Her anger is expected, but this is the first step to starting to burn off her "fog". If she decides to go with OM, she'll come to realize pretty quickly that the fantasy is over. OM is not going to be so great anymore. You did the right thing.

Did you ever get the SAA book? Truly, a MUST READ!