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JustWanting,
Honest good exposure cannot be overdone really. You are seeking help to save your marriage. Having said this I must tell you and give you advice that I would give my own children and in fact gave one of my children whose spouse had an affair less than 4 months of marriage. They had dated for 6 years.
I told my child that "the marriage had not lasted long enough for you to mess this up." I will tell you the same thing.
Your WW like the WS from my child's marriage had issues...deep issues that came with them and the responsibility and "pressure" of being married was more than they could handle so they ran.
Your W has affaired down because she is not looking to replace you with OM, but rather using OM as a way to avoid what is really bothering her. Whatever is bothering her, is being transferred to you, and thus you are to blame for the failure of the marriage. But JW, you are not to blame, could you do better as an H? You bet and I hope you learn here how to do better, but what is happening is not about you, but about her.
My child is now divorced and this hurts my W and I and it hurts the WS' parents deeply but there was nothing that could be done. My child is better off and the one thing we are grateful for is that there were no children involved. That 10 years was not wasted before this happened.
I would recommend you do plan A and then Plan B, but more I recommend that you study here, learn here, and realize that the issues you are dealing with are HER issues not your issues.
I would counsel you to do these things because in the long run it will help you to know that you did your best to save this marriage and it will help you learn many valuable things. However, I will also tell you that if your best efforts fail, you should count yourself as a very very fortunate young man to have this happen now instead of later.
God Bless,
JL Wow, you are so right. We weren't married long enough for me to screw up that badly. I went into this thinking she had solved her issues. That was a great post. I'll keep reading like mad on this site, it's full of good stuff.
BS (me): 31
WW: 27
EA D-Day: 3/14/11
PA D-Day: 3/26/11
Exposure: 4/12/11
Married: Almost 2 years, dated for 2 previously
Kids: No two-legged ones but one fur-kid
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Posts: 15,284
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JW, You said I went into this thinking she had solved her issues. Precisely the situation in my family. The issues and baggage had been discussed, honesty seemed to be the order of the day, but... The problems were not solved and the WS refused to address them with a counselor. It ended what could have been a great marriage between two wonderful people. Sound familiar? I am guessing it does. Doesn't mean that this doesn't hurt but JW it brought you here. The actions of your W has brought you to a place where you can really learn about relationships and how to have a great one. Learn young man, and one day (not now, not soon) you may well thank her for setting your free of HER issues and you will realize that you can now find the right person for your life. Hard to see right now. But, do Plan A, then plan B and do your best but always look at the data. You have no idea how much data you have already collected and will collect in the coming months. Collect it, look at it, hold it up the light of your new understandings of relationships and marriages and I think you will find that when decision time really comes, you will have your decision made for you by the data and your insight. Time and patience JW. Give yourself plenty of both. God Bless, JL
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Message from WW this morning. Most seems like fog-babble. I like how she tries to justify the affair.
Email from WW:
I'm just going to write what I've been thinking about because I seem to have a hard time talking to you
I've been wrestling with actually moving out. When I think about my reasons for not moving out my reasons for staying are not fair to either of us.
The things I think about are
"Oh I love my ring, I want to wear it"
"I feel bad moving because he is so sad"
"I wonder if he will be able to afford it financially"
"I wonder if he will find a roommate"
"I spent all this time painting and decorating in colors I like"
"i'm scared to be out on my own"
"How I'm I going to take care of the rental house by myself"
"I don't want to go through all that name change business again"
"What will everyone else think"
Those are not good reasons for me to stay.
Sure I met someone who you think is a monster but I don't see him in that light and I know others at Restaurant_name who have known him for years (Some_friend for example) has ensured me he is not a monster. He makes me feel things that I haven't felt in a long time and things that I have never felt. Sure it may not last but its not fair of me to sit and want that, especially having that experience (she means sex), I know that I will compare you and that was one of your fears you expressed yesterday.
END OF EMAIL
The reason I think he's a monster is because he's a convicted abuser and has plenty of DUIs on his record. He drinks and starts swingin'.
Thoughts? I'm not sure how to respond. Any tips are greatly appreciated. She has no knowledge of MB concepts or even of this forum so I'm not worried about her finding this.
BS (me): 31
WW: 27
EA D-Day: 3/14/11
PA D-Day: 3/26/11
Exposure: 4/12/11
Married: Almost 2 years, dated for 2 previously
Kids: No two-legged ones but one fur-kid
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Posts: 15,284
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JW,
Ok, I'll give this a go, but you should just realize that I'm just sort of venting foryou.
My response:
"Your reasons for going are worse than your reasons for staying. What I think of this man is not relavent, but the facts are. He is an convicted abuser, he has multiple DUI's and he is a mean drunk. Your chances of getting hurt (something I don't want to happen whether we are together or not) are very high. You might not even survive it at all."
I would end it there and tell her you love her, but this is her call. Do you want the ring back? If so ask for it.
Other than something brief, there really is not a lot to say. There is no need to argue with her, or try to convince her that she is wrong. The statement I put forth simply puts forth the facts for her consideration along with your own feelings. End of story.
JW, nothing is going to happen with regard to your marriage until the affair is over or she files for divorce. YOu can do very little while the affair is on going. The good news is that the data is clear...most affairs end and they don't end in the affair partners getting married.
Hang in there.
God Bless,
JL
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True, JL is right.
What I'd do is simply visit the county clerk's office, get the legal docs on this guy (like abuse charges, judgements, etc) and send them to your ww along with the letter saying it's not you making it up IT'S FACTS that everybody knows about posom.
No arguing. Just some fog breaking facts. I know that sometimes a wayward has to see the damn writing on the wall. Showing her court related documents to his abusive behavior will do just that if you can get some. Just bring a bunch of 1 dollar bills with you to get copies made.
I'd just say, "I love and care for you and am worried you are choosing an abuser to be around. It's not only wrong, but immoral. Can't say how long I'll stay around anymore, but know you were loved by me, and that I tried to look out for you. You don't have to believe me, just read all this and you'll see for yourself."
Something like that would be huge to send. She needs to see she's going out on a limb...alone on this one. And that a hefty sprinkling of facts (like showing the dude did jail time and what he was convicted for) might help her begin to see the light. But you never know.
Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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True, JL is right.
What I'd do is simply visit the county clerk's office, get the legal docs on this guy (like abuse charges, judgements, etc) and send them to your ww along with the letter saying it's not you making it up IT'S FACTS that everybody knows about posom.
No arguing. Just some fog breaking facts. I know that sometimes a wayward has to see the damn writing on the wall. Showing her court related documents to his abusive behavior will do just that if you can get some. Just bring a bunch of 1 dollar bills with you to get copies made.
I'd just say, "I love and care for you and am worried you are choosing an abuser to be around. It's not only wrong, but immoral. Can't say how long I'll stay around anymore, but know you were loved by me, and that I tried to look out for you. You don't have to believe me, just read all this and you'll see for yourself."
Something like that would be huge to send. She needs to see she's going out on a limb...alone on this one. And that a hefty sprinkling of facts (like showing the dude did jail time and what he was convicted for) might help her begin to see the light. But you never know. The sucky part is that the POSOM was able to explain away to WW 40 pages worth of substance and spousal abuse. I do know she is having an internal struggle with choosing between him and me (I saw all of her text messages from an iTunes backup) but he keeps telling her that she isn't heartless and that even though she loves me, it isn't the same love that they have. OM really are POS.
BS (me): 31
WW: 27
EA D-Day: 3/14/11
PA D-Day: 3/26/11
Exposure: 4/12/11
Married: Almost 2 years, dated for 2 previously
Kids: No two-legged ones but one fur-kid
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Posts: 30
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I need a link to cake eating. That's what is happening right now. What do I do about that? I need to stop this thing or my wife is gone. I know she is having an internal struggle at the moment but he is slowly convincing her I'm not worth the recovery effort.
BS (me): 31
WW: 27
EA D-Day: 3/14/11
PA D-Day: 3/26/11
Exposure: 4/12/11
Married: Almost 2 years, dated for 2 previously
Kids: No two-legged ones but one fur-kid
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Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
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Posts: 15,284 |
JW,
Other than exposure you can do nothing about her lack of boundaries and her decisions. I am sure she will regret what she has done and will do, but it could be too late. You two have only been married 2 years and that does not provide a lot of memories or investment on her part.
Do plan A, expose the affair if you have not, and then realize that the only thing that will help is if the affair ends or you decide to leave.
God Bless,
JL
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Any cake eating links? Is it a good thing or a bad thing?
BS (me): 31
WW: 27
EA D-Day: 3/14/11
PA D-Day: 3/26/11
Exposure: 4/12/11
Married: Almost 2 years, dated for 2 previously
Kids: No two-legged ones but one fur-kid
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Posts: 30
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WW no longer wants to talk to me. How do I keep plan A going? Is it time to go to B? She keeps saying she is going to move out but is dragging her feet.
BS (me): 31
WW: 27
EA D-Day: 3/14/11
PA D-Day: 3/26/11
Exposure: 4/12/11
Married: Almost 2 years, dated for 2 previously
Kids: No two-legged ones but one fur-kid
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Posts: 1,463
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And she knows her identity. She can look on her drivers license to find that out. 
Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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You have no kids with this woman. You're better than this and women in their 30s are awesome.
Move on. Let this cheater go. She's not worth it.
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Well, I went to plan B. Not that anyone is still following this thread. It isn't nearly as interesting as most. It is amazing how I knew the time was right. When I first started reading here that was my biggest question, when to switch. It was crystal clear. Now I wait.
BS (me): 31
WW: 27
EA D-Day: 3/14/11
PA D-Day: 3/26/11
Exposure: 4/12/11
Married: Almost 2 years, dated for 2 previously
Kids: No two-legged ones but one fur-kid
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Posts: 1,288
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Plan B is for your own protection.
Have you got an intermediary and have you explained his/her role?
Restore yourself during this time.
But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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