would these be valid questions...

1. why did you do it?
2. why did it end? did you end it or did she?
3. where are all of the places you met to talk? to have sex?
4. how long were you in a relationship with her on any level?
5. how long was it physical?
6. when did you see her? talk to her?
7. when is the last time you spoke to her? saw her?
8. did you perform oral sex on her? did she on you?
9. did anyone else know about the relationship?
10. have you ever cheated on me or lied to me previous to this affair or since this affair?
11. is there anything else you need to confess at this time to clear the air?

if he answers these questions, how do i trust that he's telling me the truth?

i hate liars!

Hi Tim
Its not about weather u will forgive him or not its just that its not really logical to say i forgive you for the things i have no idea about. Its also for his benefit, you will offer a much more valid forgiveness when you both know what you are actually forgiving him for.

As far as the questions go.

Question 1) ok just be aware that u might get a shallow answer like "i was stuid" or "i wasnt thinking" you might need to accept that because it happened so long ago and he has been able to sweep it under the carpet for so long he might not know or remember why he did, in that case look at the emotional needs questionaire on the site, that is a great tool to identify problems within the marriage that you can both work on to avoid future affairs (also take a look at setting boundries)

Question 2) reasonable no problems there just be prepared to hear something you might not want to hear like for example if the OW was the one to end it, how will that make you feel?

Question 3) ok this is a tricky one to be honest I asked that one and got told the truth and to this day I cant drive past a certain restaurant chain and hotel chain without wanting to be phisically sick, so my advice would be to find out the vague answers to this like we went to a hotel (dont ask which one) and had dinner 3 times etc.

Questions 4,5 6,7 fair questions.

Question 8, hard to hear the answer to as it can effect your phsical relationship together so every time you have a private moment together the minute your H and you do an intimate action that he might have done with her it might ruin the intimacy as you will be thinking about what they did. But on the other hand you might have these thoughts already no matter weather u know the datails or not so its up to you if you really want to know and can handle the answer to that question.

Questions 9, 10 and 11 are good, expain to him that this is his one and only chance to tell you everything you have asked truthfully, and if you find out he has lied about anything after this discussion then you will not be able to beleive him again and this will put the marriage at risk.

hope this helps good luck and really hope you get some answers.

Tim,

I was someone who wanted to know the details of my husband's affair as well, I was trying to make sense of the why's the how could he........
My husband has been honest and answered my questions and the answers still didn't give me the sense answer I was looking for......
He now says to me that it doesn't make sense to him either.................he says now he just lost his way and doesn't understand himself how he could let his wife and family down like that...........
Get the information you need set up a plan for extra ordinary precautions and he now must be totally transparent with all his ways of communicating with others and his whereabouts should always be know to you...........
Then you two work on a marriage you both will be happy in..........affair proof that marriage.............
Sometimes it takes one of you to be stronger for a time, this might be your time, a time for you to show him forgiveness and compassion...............
I know it hurts to find out this kind of news........tell your husband you will only live through this once, anything else and you will walk..........
good luck with your questions, stay calm and try not to be to emotional......
jessi

i emailed him my questions last night and i just received this email:

I am so sorry for hurting you......I do not want to continue causing you any more pain. I will provide you any details that you need to help you through this and recover from it. I know that there are no gaurantees our marriage will survive from this....but I also know the healing process cannot begin and there is no hope until I am willing to lay it all out there and be totally honest with you no matter what....I am willing to do that. You and my family are worth it.

- Tim -

keeping my fingers crossed that he means it and we will be on the road to reconciliation before too long.

how long does it generally take for the emotional rollercoaster to slow down......one minute i am raging mad at him and the next i can't stop crying.....

i have ordered surviving an affair and fall in love, stay in love. i had already ordered his needs, her needs, 5 steps to romantic love and love busters last week, before i knew of his unfaithfulness (still waiting on them in the mail).

i will be honest that i do truly understand why he did it. it doesn't take away the pain because i too would have been completely justified in having an affair over the years and yet i didn't.

he has cried out to me for years to meet his needs, affection, admiration, sexual fulfillment....but i was too lazy and self-centered. he had sat me down when i was still pregnant with number 4 and expressed that he has needs and he is not at a good place, very vulnerable, but his pleas changed nothing. in my mind, i was who i was and he married me for who i was so why do i have to change. it was at the hospital that i discovered the affair....hindsight is 20/20.

i am not an affectionate person naturally (except as a mother)and since having children and on top of that his physical and verbal assaults, sex is something i actually find repulsive.

we are in so much need of intense help, now more than ever. i am so thankful and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my husband finding this website a few weeks ago while looking for some help for our still struggling marriage was not a coincidence. God has sent us the answers to finding a truly satisfying and romantic love filled marriage if we are willing to walk down the path.

even before the discovery i had no romantic love for my husband whatsoever. i loved him with a committed love, but that was the extent of it. this has hurt him for some time now, but he knows i haven't had romantic love for him the majority of our marriage. i married him knowing i shouldn't. i knew i didn't love him but told myself that i could one day because of what kind of man he was. i was young and naive.

marriage builders has opened my eyes and changed my way of thinking. it isn't going to be easy, because just these last couple of weeks of trying to apply dr. harley's principles has been an uphill battle, and that was before the discovery!

Tim,

You are well on your way to something better for both of you, sometimes affairs shake a marriage up to the point of finally getting it.......
It is never one person that is responsible for a marriage breakdown it happens slowly over time........until both partners live selfish lives and in turn hurt the other.

I would read all you can, be honest about your feelings and what has been missing...............after you have moved past the shock of the affair, you two start at an honest place and just start all over again............

my husband wasn't affectionate either. I am, he has made a great effort since our recovery has started and you know what I think he enjoys it more than me now.......
I would book an appt with the Harley's and let them help you.........I am so glad you found this site and your new thinking......
That email from your husband was very reassuring, he sounds like he is willing and able to help save this marriage and your family...........

You guys are worth the effort, you have a lot of years still live those in love and be grateful for each other.............
jessi

These are all good questions, because they are things you need answers for. Understand, though, that the answers may create more questions that he'll need to answer. Ferreting out the truth of an affair is a process.

Recovery is a process. You are at the beginning of your healing journey with your WH, and that's going to take some time. I wish I could tell you differently, Lia.

The fact that your WH is willing to start rebuilding with you is critical.

Don't anticipate much insight from your H, especially question #1.

The big "WHY" is not usually something waywards know about themselves.
They usually have an underdeveloped ability for introspection and self evaluation.

If H answers the "Why did you do it?" with *anything* regarding YOUR behavior or YOUR lack of wifely duties, hold your hand up and loudly say:

"STOP RIGHT THERE".

I advise you to NOT ASK "Why?" for a few months.
Because, it's all gonna be garbage anyway.

Get the details you decide you need, and leave the big "WHY?" alone, for now.

Sorry for your suffering.

Why did he do it........I would echo Pepper, he probably can't answer that one, even if he wants to, he will have spent so much time making it right in his own 'warped thinking' that he simply can't answer it.

As Dr H says it's all about opportunity and we are all wired for it, he wasn't getting needs met at home and she offered it on a plate.

Don't beat yourself up on the whys and details, if you get them you have to live with them.

I have details I wish I didn't have and have pictures in my head I can't loose, once you know, you can't unknow.

Protect yourself, be good to yourself.

here

ok, my husband and i met together today to have a sort of question and answer session he was very open and honest with me and we are both going to give our marriage another chance. it seems nearly impossible at some moments that i will be able to get past all of this, but i have to give it my best shot.

i would like to start posting in the recovery section.....would i just start a new post there?

thanks to you all who helped me through these last couple of days....i truly would never have made it to this point without marriage builders. God is good.

How is your H going to protect the M from any future lies/adultery/flirting/inappropriate female attention?

What does he say about YOUR protection ????

What is HIS "best shot"?

Recovery is a PLAN!
Do you and your H understand that there needs to be a PLAN?

This means actions are to be taken.

he is willing to do anything and everything at this point. he knows he does not deserve another chance, but is grateful for the opportunity.

we both know that action needs to be taken and a plan needs to be set in place. i am hoping as i read the books by dr. harley which are on their way to me, i will have a better sense of direction because i feel so lost right now. i feel like only bits and pieces are clear to me right now. the rest is a blur.

i have so many questions as to what i am supposed to do at this point. how much do i have to give? giving any at all is extremely painful right now. i know he is going to be patient so that is not my concern. i just want to know what i should be doing right now!!!!!

please help me......

Read this thread ....
*** LINK *** to extraordinary precautions



This is for your H to implement!



A Harley quote:



Sweetie, you wrote:

You compose & print up your list of REQUIRED EPs and give them to your H, and make certain they are non negotiable.

Also, take excellent physical care of yourself.
Rest.
Exercise.
Go to the salon.
Sing.
Dance.
Pray.
And, do not forget to laugh.

i plan on working on the ep today. my situation feels a little different in that his affair occurred 5 years ago. he ended it with her about 4 years ago and hasn't had any other contact until friday when he called her (she worked at the same place they met) and let her know that i knew of the affair and that i may be contacting her and that he wants her to be honest with me. so for me some of the usual items in the list of ep's are not really applicable. but i am looking forward to it since i can definitely see how it can help me to feel safe from being hurt like this again.

although we had time together yesterday for him to answer any and all of my questions, i have seen how as the day wore on i would have new questions arise and he was just as willing to answer them.

the majority of my reactions have been intense hurt and devastation, not anger. but the angry feelings do come and i feel like i hate him so much that even if i could make the choice to forgive and move on, i don't want to. these feelings come and go.

this is the VERY difficult part for me. you hit the nail on the head saying that it's a rollercoaster. how long does it usually take for the ride to be over? i made him come with me to my family's weekly get together last night, a slight punishment i suppose, since they all knew what he had done. my feelings are so torn, i want him here with me because to a degree there is safety in that instead of him being somewhere else without me but i don't want him here with me because it hurts every time i look at him or he talks to me.[/color]

we filled this questionnaire out 2 weeks ago and shared the results with each other. very eye opening in some ways for each of us.

i agree with you that his actions are going to speak louder than words and i am looking forward to how this all plays out. i know i have to just take this one day and one stage at a time, i just want to make sure i am doing my part. so i suppose the hardest part is going to be spending UA time with him......does that mean i have to touch him and meet the affection and sexual fulfillment needs???? i think i would rather die.......

can someone teach me how to quote.....i have given it my best to figure it out and it wasn't enough.

also i wanted to say that i find myself at times feeling the need for the touch....although most of the time i think his touch will cause me to vomit.

If you want to quote someone, hit "quote" in response to their post instead of using the little quick reply box at the end of each thread. If you only want to quote parts of a post, hit "reply" and then use the "" symbol on the menu. You can also do it manually by putting whatever you want to quote inside brackets. Like this:

(quote) words (/quote) - replace the () with brackets [ ]. The slash symbol / closes the quote.

Practice by using the preview function before you submit.

Did you say your H contacted OW Friday - as in Friday two days ago????

Why did he think it would be ok to talk to her? Have you talked about no contact - for life?

Treat this as an active affair and yes, ALL the EPs are applicable.

AM

Your part:

1. Keeping yourself physically healthy.
Whatever you need.
Exercise.
Rest.
Both of you get full STD testing.
Use condoms.

2. Watch out for depression.
Speak with your physician.
You might benefit from short term anti anxiety/depression medication (You're not pregnant, right?)

3. Journal daily.
Mistakes you made & lessons you learned.
Gratitudes.
Recognize your strengths and put them to use.
Things you are certain you will do better now that you know better.
Try to keep the journal as far away from husband bashing as possible.
Make your journal about you and your recovery.

4. Read the Harley books, not just this forum.
If you get stuck, email the radio program with your question.

5. Sex.
When you won't rather die.
I know what you mean.
I used sex to reclaim my "territory".
I cried a lot during sex.
It was cathartic.
I suggest as soon as the STD testing is done, you make the effort.
It will bring you closer together.

Remember this:
You will forgive him a lot more easily when you are feeling safe enough to be intimate with him.
Having said that, start off slowly with hand holding.
A touch to the face.


Hang in there.
It gets better, I promise.