Kill the affair. She will not stop spewing the above fog babble until the affair is DEAD.

Down the road... she will respect you for fighting for her. It shows her you really mean it.

**edited**,

Are you calling the OMW right now? I hope so.

Cypress

I am sorry about your Grandmother and that everything is coming down around you all at once.

You will get through this. Don't lose hope.

This is fear talking. Normal. Get over that.

Fogbabble. Ignore this. STAY THE COURSE.

This is COMPLETE "fogbabble", as others have posted. A WS mindset, at this point, is complete FOG. Don't give up hope, **edited***. You're doing great, and the fog will burn off once this A is completely killed.

The alcohol analogy posted earlier is a perfect description of the process for the WS.. Remove the alcohol, she sobers up (and she'll feel like a fool when she does).

Sorry about your grandma.

Thanks everyone. I spent all afternoon talking with her and nothing was working. Once I began helping her to visualize our future together, everything changed. It was amazing. She completely turned around and is now actually glad that I told her family. She now says that she is motivated to make things work because now she can see a future with me. Before she could not. I know this clarity may not last long, but I will keep working at it. There are some other things I have in the works based on all of your advice. I am concerned however that the OM may be able to find this thread because when I accidentally included his name in a previous post. This thread now registers on a Google search. If he searches for his name and the word marriage, it comes up. Does anyone know how to fix that? I don't want him to be able to intercept what we are trying to do.

**edited**, mod notify your post and ask the mods what they suggest about the OM finding your thread.

Did you get ahold of the OM's wife? That cannot be put on the back burner. She has to be told of the affair. Until that happens I am suspicious of your wife's sudden olive branch. It is not uncommon for a WS to play nice to get you to stop exposing. One way to avoid that is to make dang sure the OMW knows of the affair.

Have you looked at her cell phone log to see when she last spoke to the OM? If it was yesterday, then I suspect this is a ploy to sidetrack you from your exposures.

It is good that you talked, but certain things have to happen in order to recover. Otherwise this is a non starter. She has to:

1. end contact for life. Send a no contact letter to the OM [we have one] - is she going to leave that job? What if she can't find another job this summer? What is the plan?

2. create a completely transparent lifestyle, giving you cell phone/email passwords, exchanging cell phones in the meantime. Eliminating the conditions that led to the affair

3. use this program to create a romantic marriage

An affair is not something that can just be swept under the rug. Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back.

She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now he has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in his approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

hey steve,

you and i seem to be in a very similar situation..

i did my nuclear exposure this week and seems to have some effect, what that is i dont know...
however we havent gotten to NC yet and she doesnt want it right now, nor does she want to be with me. shes getting a new phoneline/contract, talking about moving out...etc.

so were moving in slightly different directions, that said. Exposure felt good on a lot of levels..

and as much as ive sem somewhat resistant because some of this stuff seems either counter intuitive, or different from what ive seen work on other forums, it does seem to have some effectiveness..

as well i just wnated to give a shout out to melodylane...really, shes right onabout alot of stuff, and the logical side of me can see that, and how it all makes sense, but i think,like me steve, its the emotional side we have to combat to make these things happen..

its not easy, bu the people here sure make it a little easier...

and it is nice to come here for advice, even if its only to vent, because its beter to vent here, than lose your cool to her..

I am sorry to hear that you are not headed in the same direction. Like I said earlier my wife had made up her mind on leaving. She was angry and unbelievably cold. We talked for hours and I convinced her to give it at least a year to work on things. Once I told her about the life I envisioned for us and showed her how hard I was fighting for her and also showed her that now she is not alone in this - our family and friends are here to support her, she came around. She was finally able to picture a future and a family with me.

She has now sent letters to our close friends and family asking for their support and to keep her away from the OM. She is also finally coming around to the idea of quitting work, even though the school year is almost done.

I hope your wife comes around too.

Can anyone tell me if they have any experience with whether or not it is best to tell the OM of ending contact over the phone ( with me on the line as well) or in a letter. If I can't convince her to quit work she will still see him and I know the consequences of this. However I am afraid if this is what happens a letter would not be able to be as convincing as a cold and firm phone call. I'm sure he would try to talk to her about the letter once he saw her which could make things worse. Even if she calls him to cut it off we will still send a letter so there is evidence if he begins harassing her at school.

She should send him a letter. [ I will post a sample] But that is for naught if she goes to school and sees him every day. The letter is to ask for NO CONTACT. If they are still in the affair by seeing each other at work, the nc letter makes no sense.

I would strongly suggest you expose this affair to their principal, the Director of HR and a key board member. That will help in her decision to leave that job and they can watch the affairees at work until the school year ends.

I have no problem with confronting the OM. The problem though when there is work contact is that it will be ineffective.

Are you going to expose to the workplace? I highly recommend you do so because then your W and OM will be being watched and it will take some of the excitement out of their conversations/interactions at work.

I want to warn you that your W's de-fogging is likely to go right back in the other direction when she sees/interacts with him at work.

My H would start to defog when he didn't see OW for 5-6 days and then as soon as he talked to her at work, he would be confused about me and the M all over again. That's why Dr Harley is adamant about NC ~ even when the A ends a natural death, it can easily reignite with contact...

You either need to get her to turn in her notice or formally expose to the workplace.

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Thanks for the help. She was going to miss most of the week of work due to the funeral. Instead of going back at the end of the week she is taking the whole week off and she and I are going in together to talk to the principle. This will happen whether she decides to quit or not.

principal* you'd think after all those years of my princi-pal telling us how to spell the word growing up I would get it right by now. Ha Ha

Good plan steve270!!!! WooHoo



When I try to spell it I have to say to myself:

"The principal is my pal."

OK, I am not as optimistic. What I see is that she found another week to stall you without leaving the job and establishing NC!

Let me remind you that she IS still WAYWARD and will be going through w/d and you need to watch her like a hawk. Let me warn you that she will start to miss him and most likely run to the school for something she needs or maybe even just run out on an errand but swing by the school. Do you have a GPS installed?

What you need from her is to give in her notice. Telling the principal isn't enough. If she won't give the notice, you need to send the formal exposure letter.

I am sorry to tell you that I see a big dip in the rollercoaster ride coming your way.

on the money, always best to get it in writing...

my wife hasnt quite made up her mind...she wants to work on herself. weve been together since high school and shes never been on her own, etc.

i of corse think the OM factors into it, but like i sasid, i just did nuclear, and it seems to have had an effect. that said their original plan was to put their relationship on hold till they both went through therapy and "healed" that way it wouldnt be an unhealthy one...go figure, its already started as such and nothing is gonna change that, as well, why not go to therapy and heal for the sake of our relationship...ive got so much more on this guy its not even funny..

but i digress

call him because itll make you feel good, send a letter because it will protect you...

Is she physically out of that job as of now? Is that what you're saying? There will be no further contact, as in they won't see each other anymore? Very good! Skip the phone call, because that is a source of Contact. Stay with the letter.

Understand that, if they see each other again after the letter is sent, they may well resume contact.

NC letters are for NO CONTACT - visually, or otherwise.