Everyone said we had the perfect marriage. And for eight years it seemed that way, we had our problems and fights sure, but we always talked it out and came to solutions together. looking back, I think the problems started when we moved back to the States. (my husband is in the Army and we had been living in Germany)
We came back so we could start a family. I can not have children(known before marriage)and we decided to adopt through the foster care system. It was a nightmare. The kiddos and families we dealt with caused us to question ourselves, each other and humanity. In April of 2008 after many, many children being placed with us, we were able to start the adoption process with an 18 month litlle boy.
In June, my husband received orders to go to recruiting school and we knew we would be moving. He left in July. He returned on Sept 13, the next day we adopted our son and we were expected to move to Houston by the end of October. Two days later he was told his orders were cancelled and instead he would be leaving for Iraq in two months, he would leave a week later to train up. He was gone for 6 weeks.
The third day he was gone, I was looking in his email, very normal for me to do, and low and behold was a very sexual email from a girl he had told me was a classmate at recruiting school. I began chatting with her through messenger, acting like I was him, and it was very obvious they had a relationship. Afer 2 days of talking to her, I admitted who I was, and for the next 48 hours I sat on my couch and cried, shook, freaked out. Its mostly a blur of craziness and despair.
Then my husband called and I questioned him about, and he completely denied it. He said she was making it up and he didnt know why, they were just friends. I was so confused, I didnt know what to believe. I asked him to call her on three way and let me hear how she talks to him. He refused. Later that night he called back and agreed. He placed the call and hung up. A few minutes later the woman called me. We talked for two hours and she convinced me they were friends and she was sorry for talking like that, but she had feelings for him and she would stop. I apologized to my husband for thinking such a thing and we went on with life of lies for the next few weeks.
He came home and we started getting ready for him to leave for a year. The weekend before he left we went to my parents house for a going away party and later that evening I got a phone call, from the woman I had accused my husband of having a relationship with, and she told me she couldnt lie to me anymore. She told me every horible detail of her and my husbands 2 month relationship. She knew deetails about my personal life. Every word she spoke cut me deeper and deeper. I listened for over an hour. I hung up the phone in a daze, woke my husband out of his nap and told him we needed to leave, very calmy. I DID NOT want my parents to know what was happening.
Once in the car I told him about the call, and as were driving down the highway, he turned to me and said "I had an affair with her, but everything she is saying is not true" I didnt know what to do. He was leaving for Iraq in a week, we had just adopted a child, my life was a lie.
The next couple days I dont remember well, I had moments of anger, crying, hiding in my closet in the fetal position and avoidance. The third day, we went to see the Chaplain. He talked to us, asked if we wanted to stay together, gave us some books by Dr, Harvey and told us to go home and talk. We did and we did some of the questionnaires. We talked about things that caused his affair ( I didnt show enough appreciation or admire him, or have sex often enough)We went to the chaplain again the next day, and he told us we would not be able to proceess the affair until ny husband came home. We needed to start working on the problems that started the affair.
So, 2 days later, right before my husband left to fight in a war, I told him I forgave him and wanted to make things work. The next year for me was mostly a blur of alcohol and prescription drugs, but I was doing it secretly. It took months before I told anyone about the affair, and then about 10 months into the deployment I admitted to my drug use and got help. When my husband came home, he was a much nicer, attentive man than he had been before he left.
Throughout the deployment, he had kept telling me that he was going to fix this, that he needed to change and that by treating me better I would in turn love and trust him again and be able to meet his needs. He was going to put me on a pedestal and make sure hI knew how much he loved me. From what he tells me, during that year, he did a lot of soul searching and he believes he changed a lot.
Unfortunatley due to my alcohol and drug induced avoidance of reality, I am not sure of everything he said or did during that time. 2 motnhs after getting home, he had to leave again for 3 months. While he was gone, I started looking into his stuff and found some website passwords. I saw he had been talking to girls online sexually, and now he was in New Yoork for work drinking and going out.
I didnt feel or see any changes and reacted by calling and yelling at him. I felt lied to and used. He had left our marriage , while we were adopting a child we had only had for 4 months and now Im supposed to deal with it and keep on going like everything is ok. His favorite phrase was "get over it" its been over a year. But to me it had just happened. And now I find out hes talking to girls online, I had also discoverd he had an affair a few years prior during his first deployment to Iraq.
Needless to say we fought a lot. But then we would be ok and settle back into normal busy life. For the last year and a half, the pattern had been about once every three months, anger and resentment and feeling of loss and feeling unappreciated build up in me and we have huge fights, talk it out and for a week or so, he tries more and we are better. Three months later, same thing all over. But each three months the fights have escalated and now I am at a point of loss.
I dont think he will ever change. I dont feel loved by him. He tries to show it here and there, but I cant accept it. For the most part, I dont think he treats me well at all, and unfortunately, with the "love" gone and his affair, it has allowed me to see all of his faults and to also he my worthiness.
I want a btter man, I want to be treated better, and i want to feel loved before I give love. I think I have fallen out of love with him and now I prefer to be away from him.. I am happier when he is gone. It drives me crazy. I have loved this man so deeply in the past that I would have and did do anything for him. I now know he did not love me the same way, but he says he does now, but he does not show it. I dont know what to do and I am afraid that every moment counts. I am about to leave him and it scares me to death.
Please HELP!!! I apologize for this bein so long, once I started writing it was very therapeutic and I had t keep myself from getting even more detailed .
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Edited to add spacing only. Paragraph breaks in future posts are appreciated.
Last edited by MBLovebanker; 05/30/11 04:05 AM. Reason: edited for spacing
