Dear Timnlia:

It took me 22 years to find out the truth about my husband's first affair (I thought it was a short-lived EA, when it actually was an over a year long PA) 15 years to find out about a ONS I never knew about or suspected and 5 years to find out the truth about his second affair (I thought it was an EA when it was a PA).

We are STILL going over details about these events. Because it took so long for him to tell me, information I would like to know is no longer available. As in the case of the first affair, over two decades have passed and he has simply forgotten.

At times it's very frustrating to discuss these affairs as we are in two COMPLETELY different places. I am only 8 months from D-day while he is YEARS removed.

Talk about everything NOW and get a polygraph for any of his answers you still doubt.

Believe me, you DO NOT want this to drag on for decades.

BV

The above actually shows how badly you really do need EPs.

NC really means NO contact FOR LIFE for this OW and the OW from the first affair in his other marriage.

Were you there when he called OW?? Did he tell you before he did it? I don't understand why he would have done this other than to warn her which should be of NO concern to him right now.

Is she married? If so, her H will need to know about the A as well.

Because your H has had two affairs now, he should be able to acknowledge this was due to poor boundaries and letting another person meet his ENs. He should have no opposite sex friendships, no discussing/emailing/texting with female coworkers, etc about personal issues, problems, etc. He shouldn't be having lunch or car pooling or doing any recreational activities alone with another woman. If one of his affairs was started on a social networking site, then he shouldn't do that either.

Did he tell you how each of his affairs started?

his first affair was 25 years ago on his first wife. both affairs took place in very unhappy marriages. his needs were not being met and the ow offered to meet them.

the ow is now divorced otherwise i would be contacting her husband.

my husband is at a point where his eyes are finally opened to the many mistakes he has been making all these years that have contributed to my lack of love for him. i have been trying to tell him for so long, from the beginning actually, what i needed from him and what was important to me, but all he could do was blame me for everything. it was my fault he hit me, yelled at me, didn't want to do anything for me. if i would change, he would be a better husband and we could both be happy.

he knows now that if he doesn't change that i will not remain in the marriage. this is very new for him because in the past i would have done anything to keep my family together. i haven't worked since our first child was born almost 13 years ago. i am a stay at home homeschooling mom to our five children. so the prospect of going out on my own is a little intimidating. but i would do it rather than continue to subject myself to his selfish controlling ways and cruelty in the form of his anger.

i have no concerns whatsoever in regards to the past affair. i believe he is being totally honest with me and i am willing to give him ONE chance to earn my love and keep it for life.

this experience has been the most excruciating of my life. the only other one i could compare it to is losing my brother to a two year battle with leukemia when he was 15 and i was 16....that was hell and so is this.

thank you all for your support over the last few days. i am going to jump over to the recovery thread because i am ready to start that phase of the process.

see you in recovery!

I do not believe you are in recovery.

How often has your husband hit you? When was the last time?

You are your children are not safe with him. Your husband will promise change, cool it for a little while and then be even more abusive than he has been in the past.

Does your family know that your husband hits you?

AM

i understand that you are only able to read my posts and that you do not know me personally. i assure you that i have a very good head on my shoulders and if i felt that i or my children were in danger in any way, i would act upon that.

my husband has never had a lifestyle of hitting me. but since the beginning he has used his anger and sometimes physical threats or abuse as a way of controlling me. i would say in the 13 years of marriage there have been a dozen or so times that he either threatened to hurt me or actually did hurt me. of course, i am not minimizing it in any way, but i tell you this to say it was not "who" he was or is. do you understand what i mean?

as far as his promises of change being all talk, i guess i would be the best judge of that. i am a very analytical thinker and have very good instints that i trust. i am no fool and i will never be made a fool of again. time will tell....but so far so good.

i think your intentions are good, but you should probably try not to speak of your opinion in such a matter of fact way, using words like "your husband will....". perhaps you are speaking from your own experience, but that doesn't mean that will be my experience.

i have started a thread in recovery and will keep up over there with our progress. thank you for your care and concern....

I have been married for nearly 29 years. My husband has never hit me. When is the last time your husband hit you?????

well, the first and last time he "hit" me was about 10 years ago....he put a pillow over my face, punched me and gave me a bloody nose. aside from that, he threw my makeup bag at my leg about 5 years ago and left a bruise.....he picked me up and threw me against a laundry basket and broke it about 12 years ago......he pulled my hair back to get me to look at him about 4 months ago......and that's about all i can remember.

so you see, it is not what one may first think when reading it.....was he physically abusive, yes. he was completely wrong for ever even making me even fear him, much less actually causing me physical harm.

he doesn't want to be that person. he is expressing deep regret and remorse for the husband he has been all these years.

i hate to say it, but his affair has been a wake-up call for both of us.

Have you ever sought professional help? Has your H ever sought professional help?

You are minimizing your H's behavior which concerns me that this won't be dealt with properly. Why did you use quotes around hit? What he did sounds very alarming and I urge you to call the coaching center or call Dr Harley on the radio show to determine if you should stay in the home until he undergoes anger management or ???

If he ever touches your or threatens you again, no matter how minimal you think that it is, call 911. No ifs ands or buts.

i guess i used quotes because i think of hitting as hitting with a fist?? and that was the only occassion he has done that....

professional help, some.

i agree with you 100%. this is one of my non-negotiable stipulations. he will never yell, cuss or threaten me in any way at any time. if he does, he is out on his a$$ as far as i'm concerned.

as you can from above it has been a handful of times...NOT to minimize it!!!! just to point out that it is not a lifestyle.

i will not allow him to continue ANY of the love busters.....if he does, it's over! and he knows this.

Strongly concur. Does your family know about this abuse? Does anyone (other than readers on this forum) know about this abuse?

AM

From Wikipedia:

thank you everybody for your good natured care and concern....i will keep you all posted on our progress!

Tim,
Please stay safe, I worry about the anger and the ability your husband has with using physical force to get his point across, I think if he is getting help to learn how to cope with that kind of situation you guys have a chance.....
Tim, that has to be a deal breaker for you.
I would put together a plan that covers it all, fix all the things that are wrong....learn to speak differently so things don't get out of hand........he needs to work on walking away for 10 minutes when he gets like that..........
If face to face doesn't work then use a log book expressing your feelings and he can do the same............
You need some professional help or help groups, if he is serious about working things out..........this is your chance to fix things and not live life like you have been, this is not a good message for the kids to see and live through.........
You have to change together for them.......
good luck, stay on board here, you aren't the only one, lots of folks here can help you, listen to you.
good luck
jessi

Why do I get the feeling that we just got dismissed?

I had the same feeling

i'm sorry you feel you "got dismissed". i guess some of you are just more opinionated than others and i do not have the time or energy to be squabbling with anybody right now. but i do thank you because i know your intentions are good.

jessi- my name is actually Lia, hubby is Tim =)

thank you and i agree with you 100%. he must learn new ways and i know he is going to.

looking forward to posting good things!

"AM I BEING ABUSED?"

How is your relationship?

Does your partner:

Embarrass you with put-downs?

Look at you or act in ways that scare you?

Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?

Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?

Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?

Make all of the decisions?

Tell you that you�re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?

Prevent you from working or attending school?

Act like the abuse is no big deal, it�s your fault, or even deny doing it?

Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?

Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?

Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?

Force you to try and drop charges?

Threaten to commit suicide?

Threaten to kill you?

If you answered �yes� to even one of these questions,
you may be in an abusive relationship."

Why Doesn't She Just Leave

Lia, what you have written is scary stuff. Please, please get some help. Marriage Builders principles will NOT work in cases of active physical abuse. Dr. Harley would tell you to LEAVE. It doesn't mean the marriage is over, or that he can't get professional help. He can.

I am passionate about this subject because my daughter was the victim of Family Violence over a four-year period. It wasn't until that creature nearly killed her, that she finally got away.

It wasn't an overnight thing. It gradually escalated. She used to deny, deny, deny that anything was wrong, until it almost went too far.

Please don't gloss over this.

i don't think you guys read the previous post.....you could count on one hand how many times he has harmed me and the majority of those was YEARS ago!!!! i appreciate all of your concern and would like to be given a little bit of credit.....i'm not an idiot!

Since it has been years, maybe he has changed. Has he done these things?

• Does he recognize it as abuse?
• Is he remorseful about it?
• Has he been to counseling about it?
• Not physically or emotionally abused you for at least a year?

I won't mention the abuse again. But it is the 'elephant in the room'