Hon, no one is calling you an idiot. We are just concerned. You just posted this a couple of posts back:
This was recent. Not years go. See why we're concerned? This is not normal.

I'm going to have to retract my 'not going to mention' statement. He has not really changed. I did not see that it had happened as recent as 4 months ago.

He needs to go into counseling immediately. Lia, physical abuse is never okay.

There are numerous physical (and emotional) support groups for women. Look in your phone book, then attend a meeting or two. You will see what is really going on in your marriage by listening to the stories of others.

This is why I suggested you email/call into the radio show, lia. Dr Harley can give you professional advice and that's what you need at this point.

Will email the radio show to see what Dr Harley says?

lia,

As long as you are in a relationship where a physical solution to the issue at hand is one option,


your marriage will not prosper.



You are in such a marriage.



Your husband believes that pulling your hair is an acceptable way to "get your attention".


You appear to believe that this is also acceptable, because you leave this option open to him, and dismiss other people who bring this to your attention by pointing it out to you as abusive.

Lia,
Pulling your hair to get your attention is abusive.

I will point to another situation, and you can see how this might be true:


Let's say that President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton are standing before the nation, discussing an important issue. Ms. Clinton makes a point that Mr. Obama tends to dislike, and he grabs her by the hair, and tells her that he wants her to pay attention to him and do what he wants. After all, HE is the PRESIDENT, and she is "only" the Secretary of State. HE hired her, she answers to him, and she is his subordinate.


How would this play in the press?


Did Mr. Obama abuse Ms. Clinton?


You. Bet.
He probably would not be President for very long, and would be forced to resign.


In all situations, Mr. Obama treats Ms. Clinton with respect and dignity. NOT because she is Ms. Hillary Clinton,


but because he is able to disagree without grabbing someone by the hair to "get their attention".

He is able to actually use words, in an adult manner, and with respect.


YOU DESERVE THE SAME. Your husband believes his option to grab you by the hair

is an open option. And that he can exercise this option AT WILL.


Furthermore, he knows you will excuse him for it!

You and your husband need to learn how to talk with one another respectfully, because each and every person on the earth deserves to be able to speak his or her own mind, without fear of physical reprisal. And without having to excuse anyone for harming them, in any way.


I would daresay that your husband's affair is an extension of his belief that he can treat you with disrespect anytime he wants, just because he has done so with impunity for so long.


He believes that not only is he justified, he is entitled.

SB

I shall also predict you will come back and post in defense of your husband.

It is part of the cycle, and unless you recognize this pattern, you are condemned to repeat it.

SB

boy, you guys sure do make a lot of assumptions on here about people and situations. i appreciate it, but i think i will be signing off for now and will check back in some time in the future to let you all know how things are going.....be careful in the future with other people.....you can kind of scare people away with the strong opinions and he is this and is that and such.....just a tip.

Lia,

When people hear things that are uncomfortable to them, they sometimes run the other way, with their hands over their ears saying, "la, la, la, I can't hear you". It does not make the comments any less true. And for the most part, comments on this forum are thoughtful and right on target. Certainly, there were times when I heard things that were uncomfortable to me, but in the end helpful.

Be careful and be vigilant. I hope you find answers to your questions.

For what it is worth, the emotional needs of family commitment and financial support can be met in various ways. It does not have to be from a man who does not protect you and keep you safe.


AM

And we will take that tip just as seriously as you took ours. You are in for a long hard road.

Im not going to go over what everyone has advised you on so far but I would like you to just give the next statement a thought for 5 minutes.

you have a child right? How would you feel if your child was in a marriage where there has on occasions been similar acts of phisical abuse like yours??
would you be dismissive??
would you forgive their spouse as the incidents were infrequent, would you demand they left that partner?
would you ask the abuse partner to get some help??
or would you just see it as none of your business its your kids life and choise what they do?

Does your family know about any of the incidents you have told us about??

I would really like to suggest that maybe its time to consider the fact that most people live together and go through hell and back together, get frustrated and angry yet they do not touch, hit, or harm eachother phisically and your situation is not normal hence it needs addressing.

People on this forum come from different backgrounds an upbringing and they give advice purely because they care and do not want others to suffer or come to any harm, they dont want to brake your family apart they just want it to be a good NORMAL family where no one is being emotionally or even occasionally physically maimed.

There is no harm in getting professional councelling.

Or if the child learns that it is ok to abuse his or her spouse because it would just be a little mistake and he or she would feel so sorry afterward.........untill they did it again.

That is perfectly reasonable and understandable.

I don't think there's one time line that fits all...a lot depends on how WS accepts responsibility and makes changes, and a lot depends on our own resilience and ability to transcend it all.

Tim, you are minimizing his behavior and the possible outcome that could arise. I was once in an abusive relationship when I was young...I was married to him for six years. IMO, if a man has it in him to hit once, he WILL hit again unless he has thoroughly undergone treatment...and not always then can you be sure. Instead of minimizing, PLEASE take us seriously because we are very, very concerned. If a man will hit his wife, there are no guarantees he won't hit one of his children. The first time it happens you will say "he never did that before." True. There is always a first and who knows how bad it will be. PLEASE require he get help for his anger and violence as a requirement for staying together. Please!!!

It doesn't matter how frequent it occurs, even once is one time too many. If a man hit me, he'd be gone, period, those are my boundaries, and they've all well known it...I learned that lesson on the first one.

One incident was just four months ago, not years ago.

*We* scare people away? ?????
Do you think it would help you to feel more comfortable here, and STAY, if we yanked on your hair to get your attention?

It works in your marriage.

This is such a wonderfully strong illustration.
I'm going to re-word it.


Let's say that YOUR HUSBAND and YOUR OLDEST GIRL CHILD are standing IN THE KITCHEN, discussing an important issue.

YOUR DAUGHTER makes a point that YOUR HUSBAND tends to dislike, and he grabs YOUR DAUGHTER by the hair, and tells YOUR DAUGHTER that he wants her to pay attention to him and do what he wants.

After all, HE is the FATHER, and she is "only" the CHILD.

HE FATHERED her, she answers to him, and she is his subordinate.


And you, her mother, can say *nothing* about a big strong man pulling your lovely daughter's hair to make a point ..... because you have already taught your husband (and your daughter) that pulling hair is an acceptable form of demonstrating authority. AS RECENTLY as 4 MONTHS AGO.

And if THAT doesn't do the trick, there's always the option of a good pop to the nose. Nothing like a little blood to get someone's attention.

Per her other thread, Lia's top emotional needs are family commitment and domestic support. She is the 4th wife to this man and is the stay-at-home, home schooling mom to five children. I don't see her returning to this site and I don't see a marriagebuilder future for her.

The child abuse analogies would be good ones for most people, but we have no idea how Lia's husband treats their children. Perhaps he gets their attention in the same way.

Lia believes she has a good head on her shoulders and a good analytical mind. But it would be my guess she is nearly inconpacitated by fear.

AM