Very simple. She didn't wear her ring today because she is NOT committed to her marriage. She is sending out the signal to OM and the world at large that she is not 'married'. It has nothing to do with anger, Cypress.

The stuff I was afraid to hear. Although we kinda already knew that.

I have another question I just haven't seen asked anywhere.

While dealing with thus stuff, we still live together, sone of the stuff we do is "normal" and shell walk atound getting ready in just her underwear.

What if something arises? That is to say if we both het horny at the same time.

How does one deal with it?

Any suggestions there.

It's been a month and a half and I haven't gone this long since my sons birth.

Has she been through, and given you the certified results of, a full range of STD screens?

I'd bring this up. If she's like the usual "new" WW, she'll go absolutely ballistic for a while. That'll give you time to think about whether you want to risk receiving "the gift that keeps on giving".

i have another quick question i have been on the fence about.

i bought my wifes current phone. i pay the phone billn my name i son the account.

i was thinking of having his number blocked. just to be on the safe side,

is that a good idea, or would that be considered controlling?

Yes block his number , outgoing and incoming calls and texts to and from that number, not doing this is facilitating the affair. Do not tell her either.

Buy a VAR or two, one for her car and one to carry on you.

I would block it myself..........why leave things to chance..........
this is war against adultery......

well she told me this moring that shes gonna get her own phone, plan and account.

she says its because everybody knows shes being tracked and that nobody will text her. because they dont feel comfortable with it.

its just another step it seems.

she keeps telling me she needs to find herself, that shes tired of our son coming over to give her a tissue because shes crying.
i made the mistake of saying or asking if she thinks she can fall in love with me again. to which she replied no.


Because again, in her minds eye, she cant be married to someone shes not in love with. forget the 16 years of history, good and bad times. i may have neglected her and had some annoying tendancies which ive taken control of (see letter i posted a few pages back). I think weve had a pretty good life up til recently. adn ive been willing to adapt to become a better husband and meet her emotional needs.

i know now because of this there are some serious issues thatll have to be mended (trust, honesty,etc) but i believe it can be done.

im working on plan A but its hard.

im hoping still her meds and therapy help her realize that not only would staying together be best for our son (because outside of my anger about the A, there is no hate ) but also realize that what makes a marriage work isnt the infauation stage, but all that we built. i believe we have true love,
but her weakness and lack of boundries (And the fact the OM is a dishonrable FK) have derailed our M.
i believe we can make it work, but i dont think she wants to do any work. (she slways been the type to have ppl do the heavy lifting for her)

i also know that if they were to get together like they planned (wait a few months then "discover" each other)that they would fail because he cant handle her and she would still be insecure . of course i have a fear that if her therapy works and builds her up to be a stronger person and she leaves, some body gets this person while i did all this to support her and be there for her, he would get a healthier woman, and she might not have the same issues and they might make it work.

i dont know, im just feeling weak today. shes staying our with her mom, and i kinda had a breakdown after the conversaiton and after she left...

ill go back to the recovery forums i guess and let other peoples success make me feel like theres hope...

Elph,

YOU ARE FALLING FOR CRAZY FOG TALK. Don't. It is the ramblings of a psycho addicted affair driven woman ok?

Here's what you wrote: "

Elph, she is angry her affair is being messed with which is GREAT. It's awesome. She is prob in contact w/ OM on that phone YOU PAY FOR so I'd get all the records together and show her. She is teetering close to you needing to go plan B ok? If she gets her own phone and you hear her talking to the OM, send her outside to the curb and tell her that she canNOT SPEAK TO THE OM IN THE FAMILY HOME (say it loudly where he can hear it) and tell her to DO THAT ON THE CURB..TALK TO THE MALE TRASH WHERE YOU PICK UP THE TRASH. Stand up for things.

She is spewing affair fog talk. Where men and women who are so deeply entrenched in their affairs will act like a love struck 14 year old tween if you mess with their addiction. They are irrational, evil, and can be dangerous. Get that DAMN VAR IN YOUR POCKET ok? She could g4et the house from you if you aren't smrt. If she plays the "abuse" card, which we've seen before, then she could get you out of the house easily. So be in PROTECTION MODE while you try to continue plan A.

While she is weeping, hand her a doughtnut or a cookie or get her a slice of cake. When she says something horrible like that, know it is the AFFAIR talking and do or say something sweet to her to combat it further.

She's teetering close to YOU PUTTING HER OUT of the home and filing sep papers and going plan B on her.

I'll say this again so you understand why you must protect yourself.

1)OM is getting A DIVORCE which means he will need a new place to rest his skanky diseased head.
2)Your WW has hinted she may feel "threatened" in her own home as you wrote earlier and she could play the "abuse" card and pretend you did something you didn't do, TO GET YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE AND OUT OF THE WAY OF THE AFFAIR AND SO NO HOUSE, WALKIN' THE BLOCK, SKANKY OM CAN MOVE IN YOUR OWN HOUSE.

Get it? Play smart now. Plan A to the hilt, but she might require a plan B where SHE LEAVES THE HOME. She will be in a pickle then. A job where she may be fired. And not only would she have to figure out how to pay for her affair phone, but how to pay for ALTERNATE HOUSING. On weekends she can see her son then.

I say she gets the message quick. You have to make things SO UGLY, SO BAD, SUCH A HORRIBLE OPTION for her to remain in the affair, that the mere thought of the OM will send her screaming and running for the hills. I don't care. Plan A and be sweet nice and meet those EN's like a pro. But all the while APPLY THE STICK and let her know that you won't play nice divorce. That it will be filed under adultery and you will go for full custody of your child. Let her know it will be H-A-R-D- times for her if she continues, but tell her also you love her and want to have her work WITH you towards a better marriage!

the OM already has a place of his own, with his brother. his divorce hasnt ben moving forward because the OMW is fighting for her demands.

as for getting her out. both names are on the mortgage. in CA. i cant force her out of the home..if i were to try to do that, it could easily be turned around into abuse...

as for the phone thing. its a tough one. she currently has a blackberry which was bugged and she knows about it. heck she knew about it on d-day, but i told her the program was only trial. so it threw her off. but now she knows its been the whole time. she gets the phone so she can text her friends...do i think shell have contact witht he OM, yes, but i wont be able to tell. do i think shell do like she did before and only do it between certain hours. yes.

if i go into plan b, i shouldnt leave the house, but i cant force her out either. she has talked about getting her own place, but the financial relity is, she cant do it. plus there is a lot invested in terms of this home an she doesnt want to payback the tax credit...(oddly enough, alot of our marital issues started when we got this house...)

im trying to plan A, but at the same time told her that when i found out the affair was still going, that i couldnt be in a relationship of anykind with her (per a boundry i set on the original d-day, anything with him=nothing with me, in hopes she feels sense of loss)

can i backtrack from that?

while im all about protecting myself, but at this point she doesnt want to be with me..shes in full "sue " mode.

as for filiing under adultery, CA is a no fault state..so it wouldn matter...as well somebody told her the texts i collected through the spy program arent admissible...and im wondering where shes getting her info, because thats a whole nother problem...it means shes talking to some one or some people about the state of our marriage, and making it seem like its some horrible thing. or that its not savable. which makes it so one sided because it is saveable, but she isnt telling anybody the roll she played and the fact that she hasnt exactly put effort over the last year to make things better, but instead, gave upand ran...

What you can do is oppose the affair, draw up the finance schedule, move all the savings to your account , she pays half of everything, send your child to child care not your MIL, run plan A keeping to the consistent message that your son stays with you and you will be fighting for full custody. At the same time do not agree to divorce or separation. She does not need to know what you are doing. While she is under pressure at work keep the momentum up. Plant the VAR on the car , have one on you and buy a gps system, you want to know where she drives to at lunch time. If she does get her own phone when you find it dump it, it will become expensive for her to buy a new phone each time it gets lost, if she ask the answer is what phone?

Keep one step ahead of her. If you do not want to confront the OM let his mother know you have told his wife and will provide evidence to support her actions against him.

Start a journal keeping note of what she says and does , run a schedule for picking up your son do not let her be the sole and primary carer, take him out on outings start showing that you are capable of looking after him without her.

Make sure you have a tough lawyer behind you and who fights for you. For her divorce must be an option she does not want to take.

as well somebody told her the texts i collected through the spy program arent admissible But the judge can order a transcript of all incoming and outgoing text/emails and call records.
Certainly shows character of a M womans actions in a custody issue or mental cruelty suit as your grounds for D.

now i have my mother in law freaking out on me a little.

she says by going to the "small people" at work it mayve opened the door for people to accept them if the decide to pursue a relationship at some point...

but the kicker is i also went to the Store manager and to HR. and they porbably only begun their investigation into the whole thing...


also talked to the friend who was helping her out. she was really remorsful about it and realized she got sucked in. the consensus to her is that around the store is that its just an Fd up situation. people realize that im fighting for my marriage and for my wife..

im still want to confront him, but if i go in now that might blow up the whole HR thing..

i guess i got to give it time for the plan to work. i think theyll be under a watchful eye at work. but that just me.

its tough because her friend told me how much she care and all that, how important i am to her..even said that im the one that knows her better than anyone..

i know this is all fog babble,
i know that its possible she may've done some damage control, giving people the fog talk..."i just want to be happy", "i just want whats best for my son", "i love him but i'm not in love with him"

i guess i just have to let go of the control thing because i don't know what people are saying. that if they accept the affair, they're just lower standard of people.

i would've assumed that exposure could kill the affair. now if she gains support for all the wrong reasons, then what?

its still hard to come to grips with the fact that my wife whos always been the nicest, sweetest, most caring person, has done this, and acted without remorse. i know i wasnt perfect. ive acknowledged that and changed my behaviors for the better...it just sucks..some days i dont even think shes in the fog...some days i just think she wants out...but her behaviors and talk are all text book..

thanks again to everybody for your suggestions and hearing me out..some days are better than others i guess

It IS all fog babble. Don't listen. She's a freaky addicted wayward who thinks that happiness lies anywhere but inside her own front door.

Maybe showing her the door in the future would cure that? Look. Even if you don't have a fault state like CA, you can still present evidence as to WHY the divorce really happened. And yes, judges do take those things into consideration.

I don't get non-fault in divorce. There is ALWAYS a fault somewhere. Rarely do two people married wake up and say, "Hey, are you feelin' in love? Good. I'm not either. Let's have a really friendly divorce, share all our joint assets and monies and live next door to each other so the kids can walk back and forth between our houses."

That is FICTION. But it's REALITY in the mind of a wayward. I went to a divorce recovery class. It was great and at a large metro area church.

First day of the class, the minister in charge asked people to not be afraid, but to hold their hands up as to why they found themselves divorced. Several hundred in the room. He asked "money" and maybe 10 people raised their hands. He asked one of them and he said, "she ran up all our bills and I couldn't pay and it put so much stress on our marriage. Over 100k in bills." Then he asked people to raise their hands if they fell out of love. Nobody raised their hand. NOBODY did. Then he asked if an AFFAIR WAS THE CAUSE...ALMOST EVERY HAND WENT UP. And of those hands, about 20 percent were the waywards whose spouses divorced them, and about 80 were the betrayed.

And then the minister went on after that to say, "this is why we'll spend alot of time dealing with the after effects of this. This is why most people divorce in their 30's or later with kids."

Interesting isn't it? The course showed me that some people run from responsibility or when there is a very stressful time in their lives (like financial crisis, kids being born, or kids and a financial crisis, and kids making parents feel like parents and not lovers).

thank you peachy.

your story helped brighten my day a little.

i do think its a factor in my wifes psuedo midlife crisis.
i know ive mentioned it before. but weve been together since high school, now in our mid thirties. and some of her girlfriends of similar age are single and have kids who are high school range. i think she shes what they have, the "fake freedom" from not having to deal with kids in the same way 24/7
but they went through the toddler years too. the differnce is that theyre single.

my wife and i have a good support system with her family being around...i dont see how she could get bogged down by that, but im sure it was a factor if only subconsciously. i know that our marital problems were a big part..the other being that the fker pursued her..

thanks again peachy for the story..somehow ill come back to it later today to make me feel better again.

A new update.

so my wife went ahead and transfered off my bill on to her own. but she has to keep the phone thats still bugged.

not 30 seconds after thats done she starts texting him...

she wasted no time at all....


any suggestions at this point because im furious as hell...exposure didnt seem to scare them for [censored], and theyre gonna try and keep it going...


should i file for legal separation, i cant kick her out..

i wanted to go through witht he rest of plan a / 180, but this has me FURIOUS!!!

nothing seems to be working....

i just want to throw this in her face..

ARGHHHHHHHH

Did she ever say she wanted to work on your marriage? She may need a wake up call.

I'd tell her your going to file for legal separation because contact has not ceased. If she does not immediately suggest extraordinary precautions, I'd go see a lawyer tomorrow.

She unfortunately has not said she wanted to work on the marriage. It's not on her list of priorities while the affairs going on. Of course she hasn't files for anything either.

However , I lost my [censored] tonight. The pressure and painbecame to much. She got home and about 5-10 later I referenced her texting him again. I told her I was done. I wanted her out of my life. After watching this forthe past 3-4 months I had had enough. I told her in the letter gave her that continued contact meant it was over. Today was the last straw. Unfortunately my mom in law was here to witness. But all she cares abouthis her grandson. She actually told her daughter that she was kicked out the family if it continued. And now her aunt (our babysitter) knows. And she's done too.

All for this guy.she keeps saying it's not about him. It's about her happiness. Bu those two things are intertwined.

I know I should've kept my cool but I just couldn't. I exposed themand they just go more underground. I'm tired of fighting it I'm tired of competing with him.
Im just done. I held out as long as I could. At somepoimt I'll go file for legal separationn.