School,

how are *YOU* doing today? You've helped me and Grace so much, you have been on our mind constantly.

CV

SB, I just saw this and I'm so sorry you're struggling with this stuff again. ((((SB))))

I hated to see this, SB. But I've no doubt that you will win in any throw-down with Witchy.

We're behind you, SB!

So, SB, If I may;
#1. Ex SIL is now planning to visit your MIL.
#2. She is currently married to H #3.
#3. You believe she and your H had an EA years ago (possibly PA) at the time of H's brother�s death. (Note; This woman was playing this game at the time of becoming a WIDOW?)
#4. She resents you, proof positive by her resentful call to your MIL , blaming you for her disassociation with your IL�S and H�s family. She has not been �around� for about 10 years.
#5. You MIL is in total support of you.
#6. Your H is now admitting to EA, and his past deceptions/disrespecting you in connection to this woman.

If the above is true, this woman falls under the speck of dust category, you should treat her like such.
Sounds to me like she would say anything to hurt you. Even if she claimed a PA with your H, could you believe a word coming out of her mouth?

Disregard this woman, have nothing to do with her. Bless your MIL. (Sounds like she is going to need the extra protection.)

What are you afraid is going to happen if she visits? The past coming up? Or something you think she may do/say now that will harm your family?

barbie,

Oddly enough, I'm not really "afraid" of her as much as I am angry with her. The fact that she upset my MIL at the time of the loss of my FIL was pretty bad, in my book. Then, on top of that, she has the nerve to call me up and stir the pot even more by upsetting me, at a time when I was in the middle of handling the death affairs, as well as dealing with my own mother and father's cancer issues (not to mention a personal illness as well).

After the phone call, she was pretty much gone from my mind. The EA issue was something I had dealt with mentally a very long time ago, because at the time I had suspected that it had happened. I did not suspect a PA, mainly because of logistics, and because of my husband's sheer respect and closeness with his brother. After my H's recent confession regarding the EA, and our continuing discussions, I do not believe there was a PA at all. He talked with me about his brother, and I do know the mental state my H was in when his bro died. It was emotionally something my H had never experienced before, or since, except for the most recent d-day when he thought I would leave him.

He compared the death of his brother to this last d-day, and explained that the last thing on his mind was any physical closeness with anyone. He was repulsed by the idea, and that the emotional feelings for the widow came over time, not immediately after the death. That these feelings were in his mind, as he wanted to do something to fill this void his brother left...and talking with the witch filled something, and he thought this turned to love somehow. Only as time passed he realized what this was - it was actually depression, grasping at anything to bring his brother's memory closer, etc.

He says that he does not know if witchy ever returned this emotion, because he never said anything to her, but he cannot be sure of much of her emotional state. I know she was a complete and total wreck, and began to drink quite heavily during this time, and shortly thereafter began drug use.

He admits a fog, and I know there was a fog.

I do think she will emotionally harm MIL, because MIL will stand up to her, and Witchy drinks A LOT. I fear a fight, falling out, MIL being upset. I fear my H's sister will get into it with her, and that will be ugly.

My H will not contact her, and I won't.


I don't really care if the past comes up. If she calls, I will have my say, and hang up on her. I am done, and was done before. You are right, she is a speck. This is a rooster who believes she is cck-of-the-walk

only she is just what the cck leaves behind.

I am stressed because it is just one. more. thing. And it is "the other woman" coming around again. Like anything you feel like you have already dealt with, you hate to have to deal with it yet again.


Anybody have any rooster repellent?

cv and grace,

You asked how I am doing?

I was stressed for a couple of days, because I tend to spend time focusing on a problem and thinking it through very closely with attention to logic and sequence. I attack things based on what people have said, their patterns of reaction and action in past situations, and known behaviors in response to various situations.

People say I "over analyze". I would say that I methodically approach situations with all of the information available, gather more if possible, meditate on possible scenarios, and then formulate a reasonable reaction and plan for various outcomes based on this process.


I think this is logical.

The alternative, which I call

"freaking out"

has been most unproductive in the past.




Seriously, though, I was a bit "stalled" for a day. Then, I got back on my horse, talked with my H, and we are on the same page.

Witchy is out of our lives, we are still on the MB plan, and we are good to go. There is no reason to do anything, unless that woman chooses to do something. Then, my H says I can do or say whatever I please, because he really

does not care about her.


And he would never do anything to put her before anyone in his life - because she is nothing to him, and the way he treated his wife and his mom is nothing he chooses to forgive, either.


SB

SB,

So sorry to hear the latest. It sounds like you knew what it was and accepted it, or at least resolved it in your mind somehow without your H confirming it. Then, you got over it, or did you? I don't know if you can without knowing the truth, but then again, no WS ever voluntarily tells everything.

I think what happened to you is every BS's nighmare, that there was more and they will find out when they least expect it down the road. Since you have been in recovery for awhile, is this just the past is in the past and we are currently in a different place in our M or is it somehow another D-day?

hugs to you,

ba

SB,

So sorry you're going thru this..again.

My .02 on this is that they experience "hysterical bonding" when his brother died. Misplaced grief combined with "sharing" experiences maybe about his brother and her husband led to an inappropriate relationship.

My .02 on this ow (she IS IMHO AN OW) is that the reason she blamed you for all this is she wanted your husband.

Maybe it was a case of hysterical bonding with him. But imho, there is more than meets the eye (like the Transformers original 80's themesong). Please do not be saddened, but I would very much consider they might've had a PA too.

You don't send flowers to the widow. You might make them a sandwich tray, bring them food (as a family) or send them a lovely plant or tree in honor of the loved ones' passing. But NOT FLOWERS from a man to a widow. It was inappropriate. Also the shielding of calls, the blatant secrecy, all the signs are right there and were right there.

Your H is possibly hiding this old affair, as that is what I believe it was. For your peace of mind moving forward (and not ever having contact with that witch again), I'd get a poly.

Hugs to you. Love too!

This is a good way to be and particularly useful in a crisis.

I agree with Peachy, a poly might be a good thing if you have even a niggle of a doubt about the truth.

Peachy,

I agree with the hysterical bonding thing, and also that she wanted my husband. My SIL and I have talked about both of these ideas, and they are both spot on. My H also agrees that he was very hysterical after the Bro died, and I could describe him as in about as dark a place as I have ever seen him, with the exception of the last d-day.

begin again,

Do I see this as another d-day? I don't know. Not really, because back when all of this was happening, I approached it as an emotional affair then, because it had the appearances of that. The time they had together was not alone, because there were plenty of people around all of the time when they were in the same state, and my H stayed at my in-laws' house when he was visiting (Witchy lives about 90 minutes or so away). They had nowhere they could have gone to have any kind of PA, because the fact is that the in-laws lived in a very rural area, and if they took off together they would have been noticed because the nearest place to actually "go" would require a vehicle. And my MIL is about as nosy and suspicious as a woman can be (bless her heart!).



PM,

I am not so fond of polygraphs. They are good enough, but I have extensive experience with them and my H knows this. I would word the questions so tightly that I might as well corner him in a closet and throw a skunk in.

I am just torn, because at this point my desire is that this "truth" would be an EA.



So far, the evidence stacks up as an EA.

Going through the last D-day, that evidence and our discussions did lead me to believe this as well.


He knows that a PA with Witchy would leave him without a family, so the revealing of this as a PA would devastate everything.


What he does not realize is that I would have already crossed this bridge about 20 years ago anyway, and my anger would be about the idiotic LYING, if this was a PA. It is the LYING....


isn't it


that would be the issue.




This is really what my anger is with him, when I consider the issues.


My anger with her is that she continues to be such


a


witch.



When there never was a need for it.



SB

(((SB)))

SB,
I've read your posts for years...let me just say I'm sorry you're being once again reminded that she exists. It seems more like a trigger than anything (her contacting family). Could you get your phone number changed and warn the family not to give it to her? Just to protect you and your husband from ever having to hear her voice again...

I don't think it's inappropriate to give flowers to a widow, but it should have been given from BOTH of you, not just from him and not hidden from you...that in itself shows he knew it was inappropriate. But then he knows that now...thank God he is remorseful and has mended his ways!

Okay, here's the deal.


It is Memorial Day. Usually, my H goes to his mother's house to visit on Sunday. He usually goes very early in the morning, because it is very hot where we live, and in order to get chores done, we have to go early while the temperature is still cool enough to do things and not get overheated. Plus, if it involves painting or caulking, etc., you can't do it in extreme heat, because the paint will blister anyway.


Today, he leaves at 10:45. He takes some ribs he has barbequed yesterday. That in itself was strange, because he got up early yesterday and went to the store, got a bunch of stuff, and cooked all day outside. Then he gets this "idea" to take it over to his mom's today.


As he was leaving, he says, "Oh, I think that maybe while I'm there I might paint that little bit of trim that I put up awhile ago on the shed. I might be awhile."



I am now wondering if Witchy has chosen today to visit, and everyone is covering.



If this is true,

I will hate him.


I promise, Hate.


I don't know whether or not I want to sneak out there and check on this, but the need is nearly overwhelming me.


SB

I'd make the trip.

Strange behavior can trigger strange thoughts.

I'm sorry things are so crappy today.

For goodness sake get over there and check!

trust your gut, SB

{{{{{SB}}}}}

Also, I have reviewed some history here.

Witchy and BIL got married over Memorial Day weekend around 1983.

This was BIL's second marriage. He divorced his first wife, and immediately began dating Witchy, who was his secretary, recently hired. Witchy had recently broken up with her fiance.

The marriage was an AFFAIRAGE.

I had never considered this until yesterday, when I was really thinking this over in my head. I am just shocked at how MIL accepted this whole thing, considering MIL's experience at being dumped for another woman in her own marriage.

Then, after BIL's death, Witchy comes after my H.

Witchy did remarry about 2 years after being widowed.

She divorced that man, then remarried this current husband about 7 or 8 years ago.

There is an odd thing happening. Her second husband recently died. She called about that.....I don't know that we knew him well.

The other thing is that BIL is buried right across the road from where MIL lives, it would be their wedding anniversary this weekend.....



Is she coming to visit his grave, their anniversary, and does her current husband even know this?


And is my H involved in this trip down memory lane.....



SB

You have very fine tuned instincts about human behavior/motivation.

Go check it out.
It's OK.
You are not crazy to wonder about this.

Grab a paint brush.
Go see if you can help him with that trim job.

Just show up.