My husband is in the middle of a physical and emotional affair with a younger woman who is engaged but plans to leave that relationship. He says he still loves me, but is not in love with me, and plans to be with her. Their affair is only out to me and a few people who helped facilitate the relationship (one providing a cover, another encouraging them and emotionally supporting them in what they are doing).

I have not outed the relationship to either the OW's fiance or his work as he is my sole means of support and this woman is someone who works for him, thus he would lose his job if it were found out.

At this point he has no plans to divorce in the immediate future (he has mentioned putting me on his health insurance next year and can't even say the word "divorce" - though he cannot seem to say the words "wife" "husband" or "marriage" either), but does plan to separate once she leaves her current relationship. He says he still plans to support me financially as long as I need it, and we are in this pseudo reconciliation mode where he is trying to continue having a familial relationship with me while continuing to have an emotional and physical affair with her.

He also continues to try to initiate sex fairly regularly. I am certain the OW does not know this, but I know it's pointless to tell her as well.

He also (finally, when I tricked him into confessing) admitted to a pseudo-emotional affair that has been going on for years. He texted this woman hundreds of times a day, revealing our marriage problems to her (ones he never mentioned to me), but says he was not romantically or sexually inclined towards her (that he had questioned a couple times if he had feelings for her, but that in the end, he didn't). He says the reason he hid this relationship from me is that "I wouldn't understand." I still doubt on some level that there wasn't more to it than that, but I have a feeling he's revealed all he ever will about that relationship to me. The only reason I knew about it at all was a) I'd found a letter he wrote her saying she was "stunningly beautiful, as always" and signed "I love you." and b) the high number of text messages that he deleted because his phone was "too full".

I don't believe in divorce. And I do still love this man, even with the blinders off of how easily and frequently he lies. I also believe we could rebuild this. As early as February I feel he was still (seemingly) 100% in this relationship with me. He says when he met her (in March) it just felt like a switch was flipped and that she makes him feel "so loved."

Is the fact that he is still wanting to pursue this relationship post-discovery a sign that I should just have no hope at all? Is the fact that he has lied to me so often a sign that I should give up myself? I do believe they both have the same top emotional need (Admiration) where as mine is Conversation.

Do I just wait it out? See if they go bust? (I'd say the fact that he's already lying and cheating on her is a sign, but...) Or is there something I can actually do here? I don't know whether to cut him out emotionally or try to win him back or just do nothing at all.

When he leaves here to be with her, or when he messages her in front of me, most of the time it feels like I'm dying. Sometimes it feels like nothing at all. I don't even know what that is.

I am terrified of being alone. I'm terrified of living alone. I have never done either of those things. That's not why I want to save my marriage, but that is a fact. When we moved across the state for his job, I left all my family besides him behind. My best friend recently moved to England. We've shared a car for years, so I feel fairly isolated and trapped and, at times, utterly alone. I have no life here outside of him. He was my life.

Any insights?

Im sorry you are here. The vets will be here soon to lay out a plan of what you MUST do in order to get your husband back.

You may not like what they say to do but if you read other people stories on here you will realize that what they tell you is correct and it works.

Please take there advise even if you are scared as they have helped many others through this.

I hate that you are here but we are all here for the same reason and are in different stages so we know how you are feeling.

Im sorry one question I will go ahead and ask ....do you have children?

No kids. Failed fertility treatments, a miscarriage, and a baby that was born at 28 weeks but did not live (before we were married). OW apparently does not want kids, either, so I don't think infertility is a factor in this (beyond the problems it created in the marriage - my shame and his disappointment).

Thank you for the response.

River,

First thing you need to do is to expose the affair. This will likely kill it. Do not tell H that you are going to tell them.

Tell:

OW Fiance
OW Parents
OW Fiance's parents
H's employer
Common Friends
OW Friends

And do it all at once.

Your hubby will get angry, but it will likely kill it. Affairs thrive on secrecy. Once everyone knows, it usually ends. I'd consult a lawyer soon. You need to know your rights in case H files.

There are example letters on this board, or you can call each person.

Sorry you are here but welcome.

One concept you are going to have to get familiar with and FAST is exposure.

No one explains it better than MelodyLane so I am going to give you one of her posts explaining this that I have bookmarked:

LINK
The most impactful thing you can do to save your marriage is expose this affair. It should be done in a wide spread, strategic manner all on the same day. Doing it on the same day ensures a tsunami effect that is hard for the affairees to recoup from.

Exposure is the most powerful weapon because it is like turning on the lights in a crack house and bringing in a crowd of people. It is no fun getting high when everyone is watching. Dr Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders, and clinical psychologist, says this about exposure:

here

Exposure works immediately in some cases, in others it hastens the death of the affair. There are no guarantees, but it is your best weapon.

Best practices that we have found around here are doing it all in one day. Make up a COMPREHENSIVE LIST of exposure targets and start exposing by making phone calls, sending emails, sending overnight letters.

Exposure targets are :

1. parents of ALL - yours, his, the OW's - call them up and tell them about the affair and tell them you are trying to save your marriage. Ask for their advice. Ask the OW's parents to use their influence to persuade their daughter to quit her job and leave your H alone

2. close friends and family - call them up and tell them about the affair and tell them you are trying to save your marriage. Ask for their advice.

3. employer, if a workplace affair [we have a letter that should be sent to Human Resources]

4. facebook exposure of the OW and your H. This has proven to be a very powerful exposure tool. you would make a copy of all their contacts and save in a Word doc. Send them a private email asking them to use their influence to persuade the adulterers to end their affair. Space the emails out so that facebook doesn;t shut you down. Enlist one of your friends to help you in this. [I will post some sample letters below]

This is your most powerful weapon against the affair, fanti. Additionally, I would stay in constant contact with the OW's BF so you can compare notes and cause as much conflict in the affair as possible.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? I would get that ASAP so the things we are tellng you make some sense. [/quote]

Thanks for the welcome.

H's job (a career he built over 11 years and is not replaceable in today's job market) is our only income, I've been out of the workforce for 10+ years (the plan was always to have a baby, plus I had a disability that went undiagnosed for a good period of our marriage), so exposing at work is not an option, and exposing to the OW's fiance would be the same as exposing to work, I think. We have no assets (one car that is not in great shape), and he has run up a lot (and I mean a lot) of debt over the years.

My mom knows, I don't have a relationship with my father (abusive - though I've been tempted to contact him in all of this - I just feel so unprotected, like no one at all is standing up for me - though I know I should be standing up for myself). He doesn't have a relationship with his mother and has no father. She is apparently close with her mom. Her mom knows she is leaving the fiance and has offered to help her renting an apartment - but neither her mom, nor H's sister (the only family he is close with) knows about the affair. Our mutual friends know, but those friends are more my friends than his. He has kept me at a distance with his friends for many years now. H's sister has also cheated on her husband (and he on her), so I doubt there is really going to be any support there. It seems like almost everyone is either supporting the affair, or giving me the "wait it out, it will end" or the "why do you even want to be with him?" sort of feedback.

A lawyer is absolutely my next step. I've started counseling (counselor questioned if it's my place to tell the OW's fiance). My mom says absolutely not to expose.

I requested Surviving an Affair from the library today. Hopefully I will get that soon.

Rivergypsy, there is nothing we can do for you if you are going to find endless excuses to do nothing. The truth is that you won't save your marriage unless you expose it. By keeping it a secret, you are enabling it. Nothing we tell you can compensate for your enabling. You are protecting his silly job at the expense of your marriage.

And that is your right. If his career is the most important thing to you and you are willing to sacrifice your marriage, that is your prerogative. There is nothing we can do to help you.

I wish you the best.

p.s. it appears you have put alot of thought and energy into finding excuses why you can't do anything. My suggestion would to put that same energy into finding reasons TO DO it.

That is what it will take to save your marriage. Those of us who have saved our marriages didn't do it by creating excuses to do nothing. We found reasons TO DO IT.

Dr Harley calls those who won't expose "ENABLERS" "Its hard to save a marriage when you enable the affair." radio clip of Dr Harley speaking to enabler

You are getting terrible advice from an unqualified, foolish counselor who does not know how to save marriages. Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist with 40 years experience SPECIALIZING in saving marriages from infidelity. He is the author of best selling book, Surviving an Affair. Lets see if he "questions if its your place to tell the OW's fiance?"

here

Melody, thanks so much for responding. I see what you're saying, my confusion is partly that, even on that link, it says to take economic situations into account with exposure. Weighing homelessness and bankruptcy (for both of us) against my marriage is a difficult place to be in. I was hoping the book would have more insight into that.

The OW says that she doesn't want to pretend anymore, so it seems like they don't even really fear exposure beyond that her fiance's immediate reaction and him getting fired.

I am taking everything in. The same advice was given on another board that I can't seem to access now, so it has been on my mind. I began to expose on DDay (contacted the OW's fiance but did not follow through on why) and stopped out of fear (from growing up in an abusive household).

You have it from the vets now. I told you you might not like it but it was the only way. If you really want to get you M back on track.

You can't afford to loose his job but you can afford to let him leave you without a job? Im confused as to how that is better ? I guess you are not ready to decide what you really want and with no kids the decisions will only affect you and your WH.

Anyone got some links to all the treads that start out like this then they come back after weeks of heartache later ready to follow the plan and it works out?

The book doesn't give more insight into that. Dr Harley is big on using common sense and he is not a micromanager, as such. In his article, he suggests this:


He doesn't say to NOT expose the affair, he says to make plans to support yourself. Have you done that?

In the meantime, you can expose to his fiance and the rest of this family, the OW"s family, in the hopes that it kills his affair and he ends all contact. Otherwise, you are facing divorce and won't have access to his income anyway.

I would also point out that if your H is fired, which he should be, he would very likely get a severance package. Your H is very unprofessional and untrustworthy and doesn't deserve his job. He is a walking legal liability.

You must expose. I know it is scary, but you are a single person. Even if he takes all of your income, I am sure there are a host of Christian families or your own family where you could live. And the fact is, no matter what he says about continuing to support you, he is likely to take all of your income minus the small amount you can get through spousal support-- which will be TEMPORARY, at best, I assure you. You will only get a small amount and it will only last a little bit until you get back on your feet. So you don't need to worry about his income at all, You need to EXPOSE this, and make sure you do it smart like the above posters counsel you to... you want to make sure you come out smelling like roses while your cheating husband and the other woman look like what they are playing at.

Even my husband, who told me the first week after D-day that he would never take the money because it would hurt our FOUR CHILDREN.... two months later he took all the money.

And don't wait for Surviving An Affair from the library... buy it ASAP!

Surviving an Affair doesn't cover exposure, btw.

Yeah right, they want to spin this as a romance instead of what it is -- an affair. Don't give them that chance.... don't let THEM expose it.... YOU expose it.

Lots of people have been laid off/let go due to the economy and it doesn't necessarily mean homelessness & bankruptcy. There is the option of finding another job. No one said it was going to be easy but divorce isn't going to be easy either.

Lots of folks on this board (my H included & my sister's H) had to leave their jobs due to workplace affairs and we are not homeless.

Speaking of divorce, you are also factoring in that cost as well, right? You have spoken to a lawyer and have an idea of what those expenses will be? Because that's where this is heading if you don't expose...

To Susie's point, you have to also find out if you will be entitled to any of his income after divorce. The path you are on is the most likely to lead to divorce because you are enabling the affair. If he leaves you for the OW, she will want his income for herself.