I would like to hear stories from FWW who won their BH back. I have done everything Mr. Harley has said to do in his book. And yet my husband still won't take me back.

It seems that all the topics on here are geared toward BS's winning back their WWS. how about advise on winning back the BS?

You may want to read wulffpack girl's thread over on the Recovery forum, though you may not find it terribly encouraging, since her BH has not forgiven her or made the decision to return to the M (yet). But there's certainly a lot of good advice over there on things you could try.

The fact of the matter is, there isn't always something you can do to get the BS to decide to give the M another try. For some people, A is a deal-breaker, and when you have an A, you hand your spouse a "Get Out of Marriage Free" card. Some BS's decide to use them, and some don't. But the only sure-fire bet is to not hand them the card in the first place.

True. I would give anything to change/take back what I have done. I will forever regret what I have done and I will forever do what I can to make ammends.

Does he want to work on recovery at all?
Please tell us more.

Trace - I think you'd have to give the vets more details on what transpired and what you've done to try and get your BH to return to the marriage. I would be very interested in your story, because my wife is wayward. I like to hear what went through your mind and how you came to decide to give your M another try.

Trace, I think I understand where you are coming from. When I first posted, I titled my thread "What if the BS doesn't want the WS back?" I, like you, felt the guidebook here was for BSs trying to win back WSs, and that the WSs trying to win back BSs were nowhere to be seen. I mean, really, how was I supposed to get any help from that kind of situation?

If I just had the right plan, if I could follow the right steps, then my BS would "have" to recover the M! That's what I thought.

But you know what? It took me a long time, but I finally came to fully realize that nothing, NOTHING, gave me any right to, entitlement, or guarantee to win my BS back. My infidelity had, in every way, obliterated anything "owed" to me - to marital recovery, to personal recovery - by my BS. And just because I wanted to follow some plan - even to the letter - did not mean my BS "had" to come back to the M.

The sooner I made that realization, the better. You'll reach a point where you let go of those worries, and where you focus instead on you. Sounds counter-intuitive, right? Let me explain.

You control you. You don't control your BH. It does no good fretting about him and trying to control his and your marital recovery beyond your means. So you focus on you: your actions, your working the MB program, your personal recovery. Your care for your victim. Your Plan A for wooing back your BS, in a manner of speaking.

You sound like you understand the gravity of your decision to cheat - now you need to accept that it happened, accept that it irrevocably changed things, and move forward from there.

What steps have you been taking so far? What is your plan from here on out?

I currentley live in an appt. but make a point to call, text and see him daily. I am an open book and where my heart on my sleeve when it comes to my husband. I kiss & touch him everytime I am with him. I have NEVER withheld sex from him and NEVER WILL. I tell him frequently that I will do whatever it takes as long as it takes to win him back. He says he knows that I would do anything for him and that he believes I am truly remorseful but he is still having a hard time "wrapping his head around everything" and until then he won't let me move back home. When we are together we get along great and have great sex/chemistry. Ironically thats never been a problem. I asked him what his EN were and he said HE doesn't even know. I know I have screwed him up bad and I want nothing more than to make things right. But he said at this point he doesn't even know what it's going to take. I do believe he is trying. I broke it and I feel I should fix it.

ITA.

I've gotten a lot of good advice, but the sad reality is that there really isn't a lot you can do if the BH doesn't want to come back to the M.

I've been on Dr. H's radio show twice now, and his advice is pretty much let him choose me. I shouldn't chase him (Dr. H said that tactic normally works on wives - women want to be pursued)...so really, I work on me. I take care of the house, take care of the bills, the kids. I am available to H when he wants me, but I have to deal with getting little in return.

I suggest you read some of the BH threads around here and try to understand what goes on in the head of a BH - that has helped me tremendously.

I've also stopped any R talk at all. It's been hard to do because on the one hand, I want to know where I stand...but on the other, I am afraid that he'll just reject me again.

Plan A is your only option, really. And you just try to do what you can. If he won't tell you what his needs are, try to hit on the intimate EN's. Keep sticking olive branches out there and see if he'll grab one. If he doesn't, then you kind of have to shrug and say "Oh well" and pick yourself back up and try again. And again. I've gotten H to meet me at Walmart to shop for something for the kids, gone to get a cup of coffee, I've brought him lunch, and just this past Saturday night he asked me to dinner - just us, no kids - and it's been almost exactly 5 months after he moved out. 17 months after d-day #2, and almost 22 months after the A ended and d-day #1, if that gives you any idea of timeline here!!!!

I agree with the sentiment that you have, "I broke it and I feel I should fix it." You do what you can, and then some. But understand that it may never be enough. It's a hard reality to swallow, but it is the cold, hard truth.

DO you have a thread on here? Do you and your H have any children? How long were you married?

I had a 2 month EA/PA (end of Oct-Dec) during that time my H was reading all my emails & text messages. On Jan 1st he confronted me and told me he was letting me go because he could see how happy and in love I was with this OM. At the time I thought I was in love w/OM but after staying with him for 1 week I woke from my "fog" seeing that the grass on the otherside was a pasture full of manure. I got myself an apt. a few days later my H texted me saying he missed me & I told him I missed him & wanted to get back together but he was mad that I got an apt. I talked to the apt manager and she was willing to let me outa my lease but my husband thought that I should finish it out. I spend many nights over at the house and am there ANY TIME he calls (even when he calls at 3am) I will/do anything for him. I have always been attracted to him. So the ? is, how could I have done what I have done? There is NO EXCUSE! The only thing I can tell you is what was going through my mind at that time in my life prior to A. My H is a constant despressed person. I could be in the same room and feel invisible. I could be in a doorway and he would squeeze past me without touching or looking at me. He rarely looked me in the eye and he RARELY told me he loved me even when I would tell him. He has told me for YEARS that I'm not happy. Until one day I actually believed it. (I am naturally a happy-go-lucky person with an eternally optomistic attitude) So once he actually was able to convince me I was not happy I started to get depressed and my self esteem plumetted. I could go on but I want to say had he said back on January 1st, "I love you and don't want to loose you" I would have never left. Part of me feels sad that he gave up.

I agree wullfpack_girl. I know that it is up to him and I do feel like I am doing EVERYTHING I possibly can. I pray everyday that GOD will heal his hurting heart and mind.

OK - I read your old posts - I see you have 4 children. Do they live with you or your H? You suspected your H of possible infidelity in the past as well, or did I read that incorrectly? Was that ever dealt with?

DO you think your H would be willing to post here, or at least read here?

You can also call the coaching center - JC did give me some tips on how to get a reluctant spouse on board with MB - just b/c it didn't work with my H doesn't mean it couldn't work w/yours. MB is appealing to folks here b/c it is a PLAN with concrete actions and steps.

I always thought my H was depressed too. I felt often the same way - invisible. You know the old joke where the W comes out of the bedroom in sexy lingerie and the H says, "Honey, get out of the way, I can't see the TV"? Well, that was my reality.

But having an A was a lousy way to address problems in the M, and I think you'd agree with me on that.

We didn't have A's because our needs weren't being met, we had A's because we allowed someone else to meet our needs, and our feelings followed our actions.

That's why the popular saying, "Follow your heart" makes me when I hear it. We have no business following our hearts, b/c our hearts are pretty stupid organs left to their own devices. We should lead our hearts - instead of letting the feelings drive our actions, we let our actions drive our feelings. That's the biggest reason I am still hopelessly in love with my H despite a LB$ riding on empty - because I continue to behave and act as a wife who loves her husband should act.

It's not easy all the time. I struggle a lot with how to deal with my expectations and how to keep my Taker under control. Having expectations will trip you up every single time, been there, done that!!!

I totally agree with the previous posts. You gave him a 'get out of jail for free' card. The ball is in his court. He can walk away and it's totally justified. As a betrayed (and a FWW) I can understand the pain and betrayal he is in, it is extremely painful. There's no words that can describe it really.

I wish I can give you a better advice as a FWW but I didn't have to work hard to win my H back. I gave my H hope that we are meant to be together and even though we have been crippled three times that nobody can separate us and we can work through this no matter what and it was no co-incidence when I had an intervention on the plane. I'm sure you've already done more than what I have done but my Husband's LB$ towards me was high enough that he was willing to forgive me.

No lovebusting right? And just be patient and little by little you are building that love bank balance. It doesn't seem that his LB$ towards you is at a negative since he misses you and you guys are still spending time together. I'm not a veteran but what is recommended by Dr H. is that you spend atleast 15 hours and MORE of undivided attention time.

I'm not quite sure about the booty call thing, don't cheapen yourself, work on yourself to be a person of honor. Your body is only for your husband and it is, but what does he think of you when he calls at 3am and you come running?

I'm no expert here, but I was a WW.. and I'm blessed beyond belief that my H is still with me.

What helped in my situation is that my H was very open-minded and willing to learn MB principles. We have many of the books and have read HNHN and LB. He became really interested in the whole "needs" concept, and how we weren't meeting each other's.

We had problems pre-A, so we were already reading other books, going to counseling, etc...



WPG, good point here! I am fortunate that my H was able to understand this. It doesn't excuse what I did. But, he understands it, and that has helped him to forgive me.

Good luck, Trace!

Trace90, A betrayed H's thoughts here. What do men really want the most? SF, Admiration, Affection and Rec Companionship. Some have different orders but basically we all "need" the same things. Make sure he gets everyone of these needs met well. Really Really well. Rule of time. Get 20 or more hours a week with him if you can. If he will let you move back in DO IT NOW!
Get ready you have to do ALL the heavy lifting for now.

I would take a few steps here if you haven't done so. I would write down a list of Extreme Precautions YOU will undertake to correct your future behavior with other men. I would take no less than NO FRIENDS OF OP-SEX FOREVER as a good place to start. Your BOUNDARIES suck. Make several copies. Put one in your wallet and if a smart phone save it in your documents. Now give him a copy of your new Boundaries and EP's that will protect HIM< HIM< HIM. Now practice what you have came up with. That depressed talk Crayola gets you no points. Drop it. Never defend or justify the most horrible offense you could ever bestow on a spouse. Sorry that one slipped out :0
Yet there is hope still. If you felt invisible to your H pre A then your EN's weren't getting fulfilled. If he let you go that easy I would also have to say he was unhappy and his EN's weren't being fulfilled either.
You see I realize that I wasn't meeting my WW'S emotional needs. I just wanted mine met. When she talked I rarely listened, I didn't pay her any attention. She didn't fulfill my needs and we created an environment that is conducive and a Marriage that was vulnerable to an affair. Still she had no entitlement to create a relationship outside of our M.
Im sure now that you are remorseful and hes still sitting in the Jury box that you two are hyper-bonding? If so I take that as a good sign.
Either way you need to discuss with him about trying a program developed by a MC that specializes in Marital Recovery AFTER an Affair. If you can do a session or 5 with the Harley's DO IT. They are so good at getting foggy way-wards to agree so I imagine a Betrayed would be a shoe in. Get Surviving an Affair and consume it and know it. It is your new Bible.
Its a huge task to fill a hole the size of a landfill. It has to be done with one truck load at a time.

My FWW suggested this to me this morning (she has been thinking about your thread since last night and asked me to post this this morning while she is at work)

"what if she says to her h...i no we dont live together but ur my still my best friend and i was wondering if u would help me be accountable and be my partner in helping me live within some safe boundaries. she could treat it as if they r still "together" and it would help her set good boundaries and show h that she is making healthy changes".


As a BH, I can say that one thing I wanted was to be chased... pursued. I wanted her to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was so willing to commit to us that she would go to hell and back for us.


CV

Celtic, You are right. Chase him down and prove the hell and back. Admire and compliment him. Revel in his presence. NEVER LOVE BUST! Learn how to be a great wife and in time you may have a great husband.

[quote=Hilsmonemoretime] Get 20 or more hours a week with him if you can. If he will let you move back in DO IT NOW!
would love to be able to spend 20+ hr/wk with him but he is simply too busy. I wanted to move back home back in January but he said he's not ready for me to move back yet. I have done everything he has asked of me and then some. He knows where I'm at and what I'm doing 24/7. I have asked him if I could move back so we could work on things and also I am no longer able to support myself and he said he would be willing to loan me money to help me out. I persue him till I think I appear desperate. When I back off (per his request) (don't call,text or see him) within 2 or 3 days he's calling and texted wanting to see me. He's got my head spinning. He wants me but he doesn't. I am there for him completely, hopelessly devoted to him. He admitts he knows in his mind and heart that there is nothing I wouldn't do for him. So I have a hard time wondering what to do next.

Trace90,

You said

So let me ask you a few question. My first question sounds simple but it has a very important purpose.

1. Who are you? I mean what are your boundaries? What do you stand for? If someone asked (yes I am asking) what do you bring to the table with regard to your marriage, your values, your goals, etc? What would you answer?

2. What have you learned about yourself through all of this?

3. What would you change about yourself?

4. Why do you want to be with a depressed man that does not want to be with you?

These don't sound very conducive to rebuilding a marriage do they? They really are not. You have to decide who you are, what your are, and what you want as well as why you want these things before your make a plan for your life.

You need a plan Trace90 and just trying to cater to your H's every whim is not a plan, it is a knee jerk reaction to being caught with your hand in the cookie jar.

So to have a plan you need data and the data you need first and foremost is about yourself. So let's gather that first shall we? The articles and questionaires here will help you learn about yourself.

God Bless,

JL

Trace90

Glad you're here and that your head is on straight! Lemme tell you, work the MB plan 100% and MEET HIS MAIN EN'S with all you have got!

Why? My dh whom I married last year (I am a former bs) was cheated on by his xw and he refused to take her back. He used that "get out of jail free" card with two kids. But it was his choice and her loss was MY gain.

So please work it! Work the plan hard! Give it all your best I'm rooting for you. Today out there as a single mom and woman, there are 10x more women than men, so sometimes they almost (the bs) get foggy too and WANT that get out of jail card when they see an opening.

I am pulling for you and your marriage! Get his top EN's down and learn how to be the best wife and help your BH recover from this trauma with all of your might.