Hi everyone.. I am new here and idk how or where to post. I am In need of some very good advice. I am not married. But I've been in a relationship for 10 years with 2 children coming from this relationship. I've always been very romantic and emotionally attached to my man. However he is very cold and detached. Even with his own children. I have numerous letters begging him to change this characteristic and have had many talks whereas he just sits there and never responds. I guess I grew needy so to speak.. And completely fell out of love with him and even told him so. About a year ago he left for NJ for work... During this time I met a man that I had no intention on beginning Nything with him. We were introduced by a mutual friend. I live alone with my kids and became very distant to my kids father during this past year as I grew closer to my lover. Things are now very serious between my lover and I and I have told my bf of ten years that I do not wish to continue with Him. But after reading Dr. Harleys advice to many others I am hoping I am not mako g he wrong decision. My lover and I are very much in love but I feel I am being selfish to my childrens needs by turning their father away. Now that he has been away this past year he has admitted that he made mistKes and he misses his family and wants to undo all the wrongs. I am afraid I cannot ever love him again. I feel like hanging myself and getting it over with. I cry all the time and even quit my job bc of my extreme guilt and depression. I fear for myself and all involved. I'm 37 and i feel I messed up everything but at the same time I don't want to stop. I wish I didn't care and I wish I could be strong but this has taken a toll on me. Please help me!

Your kids can still see their father during visitation. The fact is that you were not married to their father. You are a free agent. The chances of that relationship working out are slim to none because you have lived together all this time. You might want to take a look at some of Dr Harley's articles about the curse of living together: Living Together Before Marriage:Compatibility Test or Curse?

Gonna have to go with Mel here... only thing I would add is this:

By living together, you are never establishing a commitment to anything.

Wow thats a bit harsh, 10 years is a long time to be with someone, he is the father of her children, thats a commitment surely. I understand this is MB but this is still someone in a mess.

Lovestuck, I dunno, only you can decide, does your bf know about OM?

Is OM married?

What is bf likely to say/do/think?

What will be the impact on the kids if you do go off with OM, financial, home etc.

Think hard hun, do you want to save the old relationship or start the new one properly, ie with a clear road? That wasn't clear in your post. Currently you are eating a bit of cake!

Yes I know 2x4 for me, I just see kids as a huge commitment and they have needs for security and knowing where mum and dad are.

Just my 2p

Tanam, living together is not a commitment. Having children out of wedlock certainly is not a commitment. Nor is her new boyfriend anymore of an "OM" than her previous boyfriend. I realize she may have a history with her former boyfriend, but it is not a commitment and not a marriage. There is a huge difference between a marriage and living together. It is not harsh to state the truth.

Then don't you think they deserve two parents who are committed to each other, not just boyfriend/girlfriend?

Not wanting to T/J but I know many people who are fully committed and have been for many years without a piece of paper and visa versa. I also know lots of married folk who don't act half as committed.

All I was saying was I think is's very judgemental to refuse to offer support to someone in a mess, when if she had said they were married there would have been lots of support and advice.

As far as I know this isn't a purely Christian site and I believe 10 years is a big commitment.

Why the refusal of help? This is a woman desperate for support.

Excuse me? I did offer her support. It is not "supportive" to give people false illusions about the nature of their relationships. One doesn't have to be "Christian" to understand that living together is not a commitment and is very different from marriage. One is supposed to be able to "judge" the difference. If you can't, I would suggest reading Dr Harley 's articles on the subject.

I'm not seeing the commitment. What I see is:

They did not commit to each other.
She has asked him to change.
She does not love him.
They are no longer geographically or romantically together.
She is now involved with another man.
She is feeling guilty at the thought of ending her relationship with her children's father, although he apparently felt no such guilt at abandoning them and moving to another state.
She does not want to end her current romantic relationship.

Lovestruck, you have been reading Dr. H's writings. What do YOU think is your best course of action?

We will have to differ on that one.

I have read lots and I also look at commitment of people too and I say 10 years and 2 children is worth repairing if both of them want to, who knows they may marry if they survive this.

Are people in pain not any more or less in pain if they have a certificate?

Yep she sounds like strugglinaz and she has had advice and support in spades

Would you mind if we promoted Dr Harleys views here and not your own?

Of course not! And I never like to see someone in pain! But how can we help? There is no marriage here to help rebuild!

lol.... point taken!

Ten years of a relationship is not the same as ten with a marriage but surely if you had an agreement to be monogamous and committed to each other it is still cheating. Cheating on a commitment to monogamy.
Did you ever voice the commitment to that?

Your children do complicate the matter since they, of course, would love a mom and dad who loved each other and were committed to each other.

I suggest you email the radio show and get clear input.

mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

You can email your situation to the show and get input on the show. It will help you and help others with similar situations.

Folks!! Please read the article. Dr Harley has written numerous articles on the differences between marriage and living together. THEY are not the same. We don't need to write the radio show to know his views, HE HAS PUBLISHED THEM. This is not PCville and I know it is not PC to know the difference, but It is what it is.

Can we please promote Dr Harleys views here?

Its true Melodylane. I've heard him give advice to live ins who aren't married though. He definitely makes things clear. Respectfully so.
She is in a state of trying to figure her unmarried situation out and, yes, marriage and nonmarriage are not the same. She still must walk towards her future with a plan.
Not a marriage builder plan but a life with integrity plan. YK?

Ladies and gentlemen, please remember the sign on the door:



We are here to support and promote Dr. Harley's Marriage Building concepts. Let's keep that in mind.

I agree. And it is for these reasons that we can't treat this as an affair or a marriage. It is not an affair. We cannot be all things to all people. We need to keep in mind that this woman has found someone new after her last bf moved out a year ago. He has been gone a YEAR. If the basic realities are not even accepted, no viable plan is even possible. Not that I would even know what that plan would be.