Looking over some of Dr. Harley's articles and letters, I came across this and thought it would be a good thing to discuss. I've seen many different recommendations regarding this presented on the site - everything from tell the OC as soon as they are able to understand the issues to don't tell the OC until they are at least 18. Dr. Harley advocates telling the OC the truth at a very young age. My questions are:

1. How does one know when the OC is old enough to understand?

2. How does one explain the situation in a way that will make sense to them?

3. How do you tell a very young OC about their biological parent if that person isn't a part of their lives?

I've heard before that it would be best for the OC to always have the knowledge of their parentage, to grow up with this knowledge as a part of who they are, but I haven't quite figured out how to do that when the OM in our case is not part of her life and isn't someone she knows. My OC is 2 1/2 now, perhaps a little young to understand still, but that day is coming and I have no idea how to approach this topic when it does. It seems much easier to make the situation known if the OM is part of her life, but much more difficult to do so when he isn't.

this is a tough question

1 - for me, in situations such as yours i would think sometime around the age they start pre school or kindergarten.

at that age they will be interacting regularly with other kids who come from different family situations

it seems a perfect time to start explaining the different forms a family can take

2 - i don't think you try and explain the oc part at that time since they will most likely not be able to put teh 2 concepts together. that would come later when they start to realize time lines of your marriage and their birth

3 - you can tell them that they have a father who had to go away for whatever reason. work, military, etc. as they grow you can add more pieces to the puzzle

The only problem with this is that it's not actually true. My OC's father went away because he didn't want his ex-wife and daughters to know that he got me knocked up when he was still married, and because I chose to stay with my H and not get a divorce too and raise the baby with him. Not sure how I would tell that to a 4 or 5 year old.

Ugh. I really hate this part. But my OC will be 3 in September, and the day of reckoning is starting to look so much closer.

Writer, what about just saying your bio dad was not around because he made other choices. Then reassure the child that while bio dad may have chose not to be there for whatever his reasons you and dh are and love them very much.

Why not give Dr H's radio show a call?

BD/biodad went back home after school was done. This is not lying. This is age appropriate. It's not lying.



At 2 1/2, mommy had an affair.

What's an affair?

Mommy had a boyfriend while married to BH/stepdad and had sex with BD/OM.

Isn't daddy your BF?
How do you have two BF?
What's sex?

When you have to explain your answers with in depth responses it's a good indication that the level is above the childs/OC age level.

When a child knows that moms are not suppose to have BS's when married
When a child knows what sex is
When a child knows where babies come from
When a child knows what an affair is
When a child knows what adutlery is

When knowing what these words mean is when the child will be ready to hear you say them. Pointless to give them an answer that they will not be able to understand.

Well I don't have an OC, so maybe I don't have the best advice to give, but I do have a child that is not my H's and we have been through infidelity and my five year old son knows and understands both of the concepts very well. I didn't have my bio-dad around when I was little either and I grew up with the knowledge too. I never had any issues with it, but my friends that weren't told until later in life that the person that they thought was their bio-mom or dad really wasn't had major issues with it. It completely destroyed their trust in their parents.

There are a number of ways that you could explain it that would be age appropriate for a child. Dr Harley says that any child over 4 should be included in any sort of exposure so I figure that age would be appropriate for this too. That's when my son started asking questions about babies and where they come from anyways.

We told my son that babies grow in their Mommy's tummies, and that they get there when a Daddy puts them there. (It helped that we had a baby on the way at the time but I'm sure most kids ask this at some point). He asked if Daddy put him in my tummy. We told him that Daddy put his sister in my tummy, but that someone else had put him in my tummy, and that Daddy loved him so much that he wanted to keep him forever and be his Daddy anyway. My DS that thought was amazing, that his Daddy chose him, he didn't have to be his Daddy and he loved him so much that he wanted to be anyway.

DS has asked me since then where the guy is who put him in my belly if Daddy didn't do it. We told him that the guy who put him there didn't come around us, but that we loved him and it was not his fault. The guy who doesn't come around is the one who is missing out.

The adultery thing was actually pretty easy to explain. We told him that people who are married love each other in special ways and that when you get married you make a promise not to love anybody else in those special ways. Mommy and Daddy broke that promise and hurt each others feelings. He also knows that one of the special ways that married people love each other is how babies get in a Mommy's tummy and that you don't HAVE to be married to love each other that way but that it's best if you are married. He knows I loved somebody besides Daddy that way and that is how he got in my belly, but that I wasn't married to Daddy when I did that. For an OC you could just say that yes you were married when that happened but that Daddy still loves both of you.

My DS asks a lot of questions, and I just try to answer him honestly and use words that he can understand. I don't set out to have a big talk about it, and I let him decide when he is ready. If he is old enough to know to ask the question then I think he is old enough to be given a truthful answer, just simplified to where he can understand it.

RFA, this is very astute of you to realize and I agree 100%. I was also misled in many ways when I was a little girl and learned early on that it was ok to be dishonest when it suited you. I also can affirm that as a 4 year old, I did understand the concept of adultery. Even though adultery was taught to me as an acceptable lifestyle, I did sense something was very wrong. Unfortunately, since no adult validated that instinct, I concluded what was wrong was ME.

writer, I don't know if a 4 year old would understand the concept of bio-dad, but I know that I did understand the concept of adultery when I was that age.

Thanks everyone who has chimed in so far.

This is such a difficult road to navigate. I want to do what's best for my daughter, but it's so hard to know what that is.

There has been a lot of pressure from family to tell/not tell. My older daughter (20) thinks we should tell OC the truth as soon as she's old enough to understand. My MIL doesn't think we should ever tell her the truth. Then there's everything in between.

Secrecy is very big on my H's side of the family. My SIL still doesn't know that my MIL was married before she met my FIL and that my H has a different bio-dad than she does, and she's 34. My MIL has a heart attack if anyone slips and accidentally says something that might clue my SIL in to the situation. She has made my H swear he won't tell his sister the truth, at least until after she's dead. They are not a very O&H family, and it's very difficult to deal with.

That's definitely not what I want for my OC. But I also don't want to tell her something at an age when she isn't capable of understanding it.

I don't think you can go wrong if you tell her too early, writer. It won't harm her if she doesn't understand. She will just think it over and ask questions when she does understand it more. You know her better than anyone and will be the best judge of when she can understand it. Even so, it won't be the end of the world if she doesn't quite get it then.

Your dear child is 2.5 years old.
So, my assumption is you are preparing the way for some distant future discussion.

Right off the bat I will say to you, Writer, I am certain that you and your husband will do just fine. Better than fine. I trust you.

You know, both our kids are adopted. Same drug addict bio Mom.
I waited and waited to share the gory details to our oldest, our son.
In fact, it wasn't until we were in the presence of a psychiatrist (whom I later grew to distrust) that she basically forced my hand to tell him right then and there the details of his birth mother's life. Not just the fact that she was a heroin addict, but other really unsavory details that, in retrospect, did our son NO GOOD WHAT SO EVER.

My biggest regret is not saying to the MD:

"Ya know, I think I want to discuss this with my husband first." .... and WALK OUT.

But, that is 20/20 hindsight.

So, my first bit of experienced advice is .... share this decision/responsibility with your husband. She is his daughter too.

My second bit of advice is to be cautious of the opinion of others, including professionals. Listen to others, but make your decisions the MB way POJA !

My third bit of advice is to share that the early teen years is probably NOT the best time to have this discussion. In our case, our son learning the ugly truth (at age 13) about his bio mom triggered years of self loathing & acting out that was just horrible. Avoid this timing if at all possible.

Yes, our kids knew they were adopted since early years.
I bought children's books about adoption & read to them. All light and fluffy stories, mostly, that the bio mommy was unable to care for them and with all the love in the world sadly gave up the beloved baby. Not really descriptive of our bio mom.

How does a parent decide to tell her child their missing parent killed themselves?
(Someone I know is dealing with this)
Or killed someone else?
(In prison for felony DUI manslaughter)


You see, this question of when to reveal adult facts to a young mind is not such a singular problem as you may think.

I may think of other things to add.

You know when this will "come up", don't you?
I forget which grade it is, first grade I think, when the kids are asked to make their "family tree".

Our family tree did not look different from any other child's, just because our kids did not enter the world via my uterus.

You might want to bring it up then. Use the "family tree" as an entry point.
But, as a sort of side bar discussion after DD brings the "family tree" home from school.

You may also want to investigate adoption books and see if any of them can be modified, just a little, to reflect her birth story. I mean, you can edit the reading of a book to your advantage.

Thanks Pep.

I think I was trying to figure out what "from a very young age" meant. Is it 4 or 5? Because that isn't terribly far away at all. Heck, it seems like just yesterday that she was born, and she'll be three in a couple of months. Is it 6 or 7 or even 8, which is more along the lines of what I was originally thinking, since she would be much more capable of understanding then.

I agree that the early teen years would be the worst possible time. I've been through them 4 times already, and those aren't easy years even under the best of circumstances.

I will look at some adoption books and see what I can do with them. That's a good suggestion.

Our son never wanted to meet bio mom.
Our daughter did, but no more.
He is 25, she is 21.

The question of other half siblings will arise once your DD is older.
My children were far more interested in possibly meeting their half siblings ..... the bio mom had NINE children the last I heard. Custody of zero.

I told them that once they were BOTH 18, if they had a desire to do the work to meet their half siblings, I would assist them, but I would not do this work entirely for them. It would be their responsibility, but I would help.

(Kids are lazy and self involved at that young adult age, so if you really want to delay something, make it their responsibility to do at least some of the difficult footwork! LOL)

I'm still waiting for my kids to volunteer to investigate their half siblings, their bio mom, or dads.

Aren't I one manipulative mother?

I understand your plight, writer. I, too, have thought about how I will explain this situation and when to my OC about her circumstance. Obviously since OM is involved my conversations will have to start much sooner, but in my case OC may simply ask outright about how she has 2 daddys. In your OCs case, OM isn't part of her life, so I can see how it's a tough decision about when and how to bring it up.

I've written a letter to my OC about her conception (offering pertinent details while they are fresh in my mind) for her to read waaay in the future; I want her to know how deeply sorry I am for putting her in this position. Perhaps a letter to save for sometime in the future can express your heart in a way that allows OC privacy to digest everything. And until then, you and BH can keep it as simple as her young mind can handle.

I will pray for guidance on this for you. Is there ever a good time to tell someone you love something you wish you could forget?

I agree. I had a bio dad who was not in my life AT ALL and I cannot remember my first memory of getting that info. It just always 'was'.

The problem with the infidelity part of it is that you can't tell a child facts of her DNA and expect her to keep it secret. I think you have to accept the fact this is not something that should be expected to be kept secret.

I would never expect this. Everyone else in the family knows. My in-laws, my mom and grandma, all of our older kids. So keeping it a secret from others in the family won't be an issue.

Of course, I don't explain the situation to every person I meet, so it's possible we may have some awkward moment if OC says something to a friend or something.

My older kids did look for their bio dad once they were adults. Now that they've met him, they regret that decision. The relationship didn't last long. They figured out pretty quickly why I fought so hard to keep him out of their lives. They refuse to even speak to him anymore.

Writer1,

I don't have an OC nor am I dealing with this issue, but I really liked the advice to tell the child earlier rather than later. I also think that Pep's advice to have your H involved in this decision to be a very important thing to do.

Here is why I make the last statement. Having reared 3 children I can tell you that they pick up on the unspoken things far more rapidly than you can imagine. I think you know this from your older ones.

So what is your OC going to pick up when you tell the truth?

That really depends on the attitude of you and your H. If you act frightened, fearful, reticent they will think this is bad news. If your H seems less than enthusiastic they are likely to think that they did something wrong.

The message that your H CHOSE to be the Dad/Daddy/Father is a big message, but it should be accompanied by him being there to reinforce that message. The fact that you are happy to have this child and look forward to sharing life with the child should also come across as well.

Make sure that you set the tone for delivering this message. From the perspective of the child should this be bad news or good news? I think it is good news and should be delivered soon (maybe a year, maybe less depending on the opportunity) but it must be delivered by the two of you in a positive manner.

At least those are my thoughts. I am sure as the child ages more questions will come but remember this and make use of this. Not only do you and your H want this child so do the siblings. Message...the child is loved and wanted.

I just don't see how that message could be a hard one to deliver, right.

Does this make sense? I hope so.

God Bless,

JL

It makes a lot of sense JL. Thanks.

I agree that the attitude with which we approach the subject will be of paramount importance. And of course I would never do anything without my H's agreement.

I'm very confident that our daughter feels loved by everyone in the family. Even my in-laws have become more accepting with time. They were a little distant and hesitant at first.