HERE HERE, WW BE DAMMED!

Well i have been posting in Divorcing section but i thought i would bring this topic back in here. Ive been feuding with my WW over divorce issues, mainly just how it will play out with the kids and om in the future. They have been at this game for quite a while now. She is in the middle of having papers for divorce rewritten for my liking.

NOW, she gets dumped last night by other man. WHOA this was to be expected by me, not her. I just wasnt expecting it so soon. Now she is a mess, mourning over him again. She still remains committed at the moment to get a divorce. I have brought my talking with her to a more sympathetic type as she informed me that she has no one to talk to. She has given it all up for him. no friends or family she feels will be there. So Ive been bucking up to be the good guy again. What to do. She feels weird talking to me and still says she wants out. i talk nicely to her, tell her to give things time and i try to keep talk about kids and not rub "i told you so in her face." Any advice here? i have let her know up until this weekend that she needs to rethink her life and try to make better choices. She wouldnt have it. Now she does not know anything lol.

I am not a vet, but I would Plan A her from dawn until dawn. If you want to save this marriage, you have to swoop in and be her good guy. I would treat this like D-Day.

I have four babies like you, and those four innocent hearts still drive me to reconcile with my very, very wayward husband. He is so wayward at the moment I think he has a notebook to keep his lies straight.

It is up to you. If you still want to save this marriage, Plan A is your best bet until time can show you some new signs. Plan B may have to be implemented down the road if she doesn't defog, but you may be able to get some deposits into her with Plan A.

I am finding great advice on the Marriage builder radio show. You may want to search old archives, because there is a really good chance a situation like yours has been discussed by Dr. H before.

Many Prayers for you Lost -- You are an absolutely amazing father to those four babies.

Tough~

We are very similar tough. Im still fighting but losing the battle and losing the will to do it. But, her being dumped is the best thing thats happened so far.

Lostman,

I think this is your opportunity to be her friend, start there, tell her you will be there for her, just like you always were.......
Let her know that if she wants to reconsider the divorce after she has healed a little you would be open to that.........
I think she will quickly see the OM for what he isn't............they all show their true colors sooner or later............
She is probably feeling like a fool, she is disappointed and confused..........
Let her feel it all, let her figure out the mistakes she has made.......
If you can do some little things for her quietly, things that she can't help but notice.............show her you are still in her corner........

Keep moving forward but maybe stall things if you can..........take a little longer to read through everything, to sign anything.........
She is going to feel the reality of her decisions now and no one to help her get through(OM). She thought he was the one and now he is not.........She will see you as the man that has fought for her, who is willing to accept her warts and all......
Wait it out see how it plays out.........be there for her .......
jessi

Lost! Wow - I don't know what to say. I guess it was your WW's turn to get sucker punched. This does present an interesting dilemna, but I'm ITA with Jessi. This is an opportunity to plan A her, while she's feeling depressed, confused, etc. Be there for her without being needy or weepy. I would try to avoid any R talk right now, because she's probably spinning like a top inside and anything you say would get lost in there.

On the other hand, if I were to be totally cold and calculating, I would say now is the time to get the agreement to your liking. That's pretty ruthless, but then again so is having an affair and tearing apart a family. I'm not necesarily advocating this approach, but it's an option on the table. It depends on how you truly feel about her and your chances of recovery.

I would also make sure that you present your best to her, including your 'new life' and 'best dad in the world' sides. That means you're sympathic but happy around her. You have a sunny disposition, etc. You relay funny or heartfelt things the kid(s) do, etc.

You want her to see that you've got you're shiite together and that you're taking care of the (her) family. Be the silent, but strong leader. This isn't a time to talk; it's a time to show some quiet confidence. IMHO. If she wants to talk, you listen. Just be careful about giving advice right now.

Ohhhhhhh, woooowwwwwww!

Here is the advice I have to give, my friend.

Ignore HER needs, fears, and pain for the moment. She (mother of your children, or not) by her own actions has no claim on your sympathy or healing assistance. NONE! Now answer the question:

WHAT WOULD BE YOUR IDEAL FUTURE, IF YOU COULD WRITE IT RIGHT NOW?

And any part of your future that contains "if", "perhaps", or "maybe" is inadmissable.

We can't answer this for you, but for your own good, you absolutely MUST pro-actively answer it. Once you answer it, do two things:

• Tell us what that answer is, allowing us to help maintain your course
• Start taking only those actions that advance that future.

"Drifting" into a life-course is guaranteed to sub-optimize that life.

I'd agree with Andy.

I would pursue the divorce as though nothing had changed because it hasn't. When she wants to cry on your shoulder, I'd be more distant than there.

There's a fine line here, portray that you've moved on and it doesn't sound like it'd be hard to do.

She needs to know that she's effed up your and your children's lives. No need to tell her that point-blank, but no need to try to assuage any guilt if she happens to toss some your way.

Glad that you are back on this thread LostM. Forgot you said you were gonna go over to the divorcing forum, and I was worried about you.

I guess the tricky part about being her friend now is in what way will you support her?

She is having withdrawl problems from the wannabe tough guy? Well I wouldn't get into that too much. That was her choice of men out there. These guys love to hurt women and maniulate them so they can control them. They're big pu$$ys and bullys, Oh how exciting!! Thats her drama and all you can do is let her experiance what she bought into untill she is ready to come back under your covering as a husband.

Once she does though, you can contact him and let him know its over, and if he comes near her again you will both be on the nightly news. The problem with that though, she could easily play you. She was willing to use you before and now she has you in a place where she might want to use you in this manipulation game she fell so in love with..

Its important she comes back to the "relationship" part of your marriage with complete honesty. She had so much fun and excitment telling lies, and its seems that was the draw, so be prepared for deciet. This is probably why most wise cousellors will tell you to not talk at all about how she feels, because its all about Him.

Tough call. I would suggest you call The Harleys and let them help you in this. The "bad-boy" desparate lieing and cheating scemerio is a powerful drug full of pitfalls. Sometimes they will go to thier death defending these scumbags, calling it romance, and justifing everything.

So do you have any friends who might be willing to pay this guy a visit? He needs a beating at just the opportune time. But what would be even better is if WW could here him squeal or what he says about her to his other cronies.

I think WW must of watched to many episodes of "The Sopranos".

Lol funny sideline..I went into the other room to ask the young people in there what the name of, and I quote.. " Hey what was the name of the show..that was on HBO..about the guy..." Someone said the sopranos...Go figure, people either think I am a cop or a mobster...well When I wear a black shirt..Geez I guess I have them fooled, but maybe thats what last W saw in me, some bullchit image.

This guy is enjoying hurting your wife, and she enjoys it too. Its sick, controlling and manipulative behavior from people who have no faith, are selfish, and weak-willed and minded. I am glad you didn't go clean his clock, even though I know you could, because those kids need a really strong man like you are to care for them and not bend to fear, or use it to manipulate.

Like I said tough call. It is a day by day walk, and we must take up our cross daily again because this world is full of evil. Be careful. She might mistake kindness for weakness.

Mmm hmmm.

(whatever that sound is you make when you are agreeing)

What advice are you looking for?

What do YOU want, Lost? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

You are not obligated to divorce, you are not destined to reconcile. What. do. you. want?

If you want to divorce, then do so. Leave her to wallow in the pit she created.

If you want to reconcile, then you Plan A. And you Plan A CORRECTLY. You don't Plan C, you don't Plan Doormat. You Plan A. You do it for a set amount of time.

If she doesn't offer reconciliation, or if OM comes in to the picture again, then you PITCH BLACK Plan B, and continue down the D path until SHE stops waffling.

Whatever you choose, YOU HAVE TO STOP WAFFLING.

Well i did be her friend yesterday, talked to her about kids and birthday for my 3rd. Just told her the door is open if she needs to talk. I find out this morning that he is talking to her again, but they are not back together yet. I expected that. Thats his game. I dont really look for her to make any right decisions. I have everything for the most part done for the divorce. Im still moving torwards that as long as she keeps it up. She did through all of this make the agreement that the kids will never see him unless they were to get married, which she said they had never talked about. I'm tired of all of the BS. I dont know what to expect anymore. I do what i told her i would do, fight for my marriage until the end of it. I have kept my end of the deal and she told me last week to feel good that i have done everything i can to fix the situation. (she had mr perfect last week)

i have prepared myself for the outcome either way. I feel im at peace with the outcome and also feel im at the best place ive been since it all started. I've kept my end of the deal, and if she decides to come home my only words will be now you have to prove it. If not im ready for divorce. Im on the fence, if she decides to prove it, i mean it. If you ask what i want, i think it would be best for her to come home and make the best life possible for the kids. I dont know if i came her looking for advice or to give an update. either way you know now lol.

What do you want FOR YOU, Lost? Is there enough left in the LB$ to rebuild?

What are YOUR conditions for reconciliation, if that door is open?


It's YOUR life, man. You aren't obligated to take her back, you aren't obligated to divorce her. The ball is in her court, but it won't matter if you aren't even in the game, you know?

Truthfully, if you divorce her and go Dark Plan B, you could still leave a chance for reconciliation.

It's up to YOU, dude.

Lost - You may want to consider using what I'm telling my WW. I want her to be my best friend, lover and wife. It HAS to be all three; anything less is unacceptable. I took this tact, because it gives her a clear and succinct picture of what my expectations are. If they are unacceptable to her; that's fine. We wind up with a D. If she returns, she knows what the expectations are. Oh, I'm also moving forward with refinancing the marital home in my name and I'll file for a D after she moves out. All of that stuff can be undone if we reconcile, however, right now it also shows her that I'm serious. I will not accept the limbo for much longer. That's the point. I'm pushing on areas that I feel comfortable with. I need to have some certainity in my life - I want my life back. If this isn't going to work out, then let's get it over with.

So, in summary, like others have asked; what do you want? What are your conditions for her return? What steps can you take to exert pressure on the situation to drive a resolution one way or another?

Yes lost what do you want sir. I bet your still very hurt by this I know, but what plan for YOU do you have and do you think can fit in?

Right now i can picture life in both directions. Right now im trying to talk her into going to some counseling sessions just to see what happens. Deep down i really think i want her to come home, but ive grown quite numb to all of it. Im done looking at the past as much as i can be. I told her we need to think about what kind of future we can build. Its to early to give her expectations, i first need to get her on track of some reconciliation, which she is still bucking, and quite honestly i have doubts about her getting there. BUT i told her i would continue to pray for her and continue to get her back home until she had completely ended it.

Lost - you don't sound very confident right now. Please take a step back, look at what you want and then build a plan.

Just my 2 cents worth..

Hi Lost -- I am not sure if you have any of the same fears as I concerning the divorce. This is where I am at today.

My husband is still very wayward. I have no idea if the affair is still happening, or if it will continue once he is off deployment. MY POSWH insists he is not returning to the marriage. I am resigned to the fact the only thing that could possibly save this marriage is God.

I focus my recovery on my four kids and I. I have to look at my life realistically that I will likely be divorced by Christmas. I fear as a mom to four babies, what man will want me? How will I ever find a husband that would be a great leader, mentor, and friend to my kids.

I feel like a woman full of baggage and dread even the thought of dating today.

For me I have to become the best attraction possible. It is hard to even imagine heading down this path.

I would love to same my marriage which today is only driven by these four babies, and the memories of yesterday. I struggle to overcome the man he is today. I never in a million years thought he could be this satan figure. He is not only lying, cheating, and back-stabbing to me, but also my kids. He doesn't have an honest foot to step on this with.

I would be delighted to see your marriage saved for your babies, but I also can understand letting her go because she is so wayward today. You have no idea when that waywardness will wear off.

My best advice is to make sure you feel your best today. Can you walk away from her with confidence knowing you are an amazing man, father, and friend?

I am glad itstough posted here
She is an example of what BSs have to endure when they love Thier family and are faced with childish wayward behavior

Lostm you have to find some way to be built up.

Keep coming here I know it's a tough row to hoe but you will be planting seed thoughts in your children that will reap a wonderful crop

God bless