My husband and I are in recovery. I had an email/telephone A that ended about 3 and a half months ago, with last contact (short) 6 weeks ago. NC and EPs are in place and now we are working on building a romantic relationship, a type of relationship we've never had. OK, so that's a little background. My question regards my reaction to the last SF, which I engaged in willingly. The next day I didn't want to give or get any affection or conversation. I have often been this way throughout our marriage of 13 years. Is this perhaps because affection and conversation are not really my top ENs, or am I just a mean person, or mental? I can't understand this of myself, and it has definitely provided an "electric shock" to my husband. It has set us back quite a bit. Is the answer just to pretend the next day if I feel this way again and accept affectionate touching and conversation anyway? Or is it something that I need to figure out because there's an "unseen" EN I need to understand and express? Is this reaction unusual?

I'm not an expert on these boards, but you are only recently NC. It takes a many months or longer after last contact to feel comfortable in your 'new' marriage. Just keep working on each others EN's.

Welcome to MB LTL,

I am just guessing but let me guess and see if it starts you to thinking about this. Are you bothered by the SF? Does it make you feel used or does it make you feel vulnerable and afraid? Is this a new response or has it always been this way?

Do you feel you are not worthy of love and affection? Do you feel you might be leading your H along if you give him love and affection after SF?

Have to talked with your H about your feelings? Are you two talking and brainstorming ideas about it? Have you considered counseling to address this or at least sort out what is driving it?

Is the reaction unusual? Not sure, but I would guess it isn't common.

I have a thought for you to consider. It is embodied in a story about a relative of mine. This lady was not financially well off, but she had made due rearing her family (divorce for significant number of years). Her sister was widowed and quite well off. However, she had always been a trouble maker in the family and had a hard time getting along with people.

So both of these ladies are getting older and the well off sister decided she really needed to do something nice for someone in her family and thus she offered to her not so well off sister a considerable amount of money.

Now the lady that was offered the money could surely use it, she was very reluctant to accept this gift, pride being part of it and being reared that she should make due with what she had. She and I talked about it because it bothered so.

My comment to her is the same as I am going to make to you. Often the biggest gift we can give to someone is to accept their gift to us. By the way she did decide to accept the gift which made her sister very happy and made her feel that finally she had helped someone rather than just being argumentive with them. The wealthy sister passed not too long after giving this gift. She passed knowing she had helped someone and made their life a bit better. it pleased her.

You have been married 13 years and you know that your H desires you. You engaged in SF willingly, which is a gift you gave your H. He hopefully did his best to satisfy you as well. But the next day the physical aspect is over, and presumably the hormones that drive one to enjoy SF are now reduced. You don't feel the desire for your H and it bothers you that you don't want him. He wants to express he pleasure and satifaction to you as way of thanks, but you won't accept this "gift". You fear you cannot repay it given the way you feel.

My thinking is that you don't see it as a gift to accept your H the next day. My thinking is don't pretend, but try to see it as giving your H a "gift" by accepting his affection and conversation. It is not a demand, it is simply him NEEDING to tell you how much he values you and what you do for and with him.

I would also suggest you have your hormones checked, this really could be a physical thing. Please note that after men climax a hormone is secreted into their system that rapidly lowers their heart rate. This is to protect men from over stressing their heart, but it also tends to put them to sleep. Ever hear of women complaining that their H falls asleep after sex, especially if it is late at night? Well, it is due to the hormones being released and not something they can control.

I'm no physician but it may be possible that you are having issues with your hormones as well, get that checked.

Just thoughts I hope some of them are of use to you.

God Bless,

JL

You don't have to know WHY you do something in order to change your behavior. It sounds like you are shutting him out emotionally and I would stop doing that. Part of recovery is creating NEW habits that contribute to your marriage in a productive way. One of the most important steps you can do to restore the romantic love in your marriage is to schedule 20+ hours of undivided attention per week meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of conversation, affection, sexual fulfillment and rec companionship. GEt in the habit of meeting his needs in a consistent way and it will become second nature.

Thanks all for your quick response, and, yes, encouragement! I didn't mean to ask for psychoanalysis, so I apologize for that. My husband and I did talk about it and I told him that I wouldn't be like that next time. He is still skittish, though, and I feel bad about that. However, I'm sure there'll be a next time! I'll give better next time and not shut him out. That's what I needed to know. One thing, though, is that he says that he doesn't see how we'll get 15 (and I know we need more) hours of UA in, but I keep telling him we can. I would like him to put forth the effort to try, but it seems it may be up to me to make the schedule and present it to him.

LTL,

Not a problem, my W has been scheduling my life for 35 years. Make the effort LTL but also be aware of your feelings and reactions. You said you had been doing what you did for 13 years. That says something you should not ignore.

God Bless,

JL

I am trying, but my efforts aren't yet as good as they should be (my estimation). I'm thinking about enrolling in the online course or a few coaching sessions if H is in agreement. I just don't know which would be more useful. I think I'm getting a better grasp on what my top ENs are, but then I sometimes feel I still don't know. This confusion of mine doesn't help my H nor our marriage. Anyway, I'm thinking some coaching sessions might be what I need rather than the online course.

It is a good idea to focus on the top 4 INTIMATE emotional needs of conversation, affection, rec companionship and sexual fulfillment for 20+ hours of scheduled undivided attention time per week. Those 4 will make the greatest lovebank deposits the fastest. While one of your other top needs might be financial support, for example, meeting that need will not create romantic love.

My H and I went through the online program [when it was the weekend program] and it made an amazing difference in our marriage. They assign you a coach who guides you through the weekly lessons. You would have daily access to Dr Harley over on the private forum. It an excellent program that really does work.

Thank you, ML. I guess I might still be withdrawn because of those 4 top ENs, there is only 1 I want. The rest are work on my part (instituting new habits). However, I have noticed that the one week we spent 15+ hours together made meeting those needs for H easier. The online program actually would be best, now that I think about it, because I'll have help when UA time starts getting squeezed out (which is already beginning to happen :().