Well, I have to say, I love J. Foxworthy. Many "quotable quotes" from him. And from Bill Engvall too. Oh heck, Larry the Cable guy too! And that other guy? The one with the drink in his hand?

But seriously strugglinginaz, lemme tell you about the pathetic woman who is my dh's EX WIFE. Scary how this woman fell into the downward spiral. She was LIKE YOU once. A young wife and mother.

She was also a lawyer and she cheated on him (ons). She wasn't a perfect wife, and in fact, she was a pretty crappy wife. Not a great mom either, as she every once in a while indulged in pain meds. But she met some guy on a case, had a ONS and he found out about it. All the times she yelled at him, all the times she criticized him, all the times she never got out of bed to respond to the baby monitor when their young child was in her crib (because she took pain meds) and he did it all came floating back to him. All his pain of finding out of her unfaithfulness came back and HE HAD ENOUGH!

He immediately upon finding out of her ADULTERY divorced her. Within 3 months they were divorced. Seriously that quick. He'd had enough of her bullsh(t.

She immediately after the divorce (all his family and friends btw, rallied around HIM NOT HER during the divorce), she began on a dating binge jumping from man to man, and moved several in with her. They'd pretty much use her and dump her. She was after all, 40something early and not well...that hot anymore. After all, when you're single again and if you're 25 and over you figure out that there are 10X AS MANY WOMEN THAN THERE ARE MEN OUT THERE SINGLE NOW. So you got competition. And so did the crazy xww of my now dh.

She then spiraled further, having long bouts of sleeping and not sleeping and she began to well..grow in girdth and began wearing around "mom jeans" and let her looks just spiral down even further. I'm talking "mom jeans worse than Jessica Simpson's".

To make things wierder, she tried for the first whole year he and I dated, to get him back. Um. No. We found out she recently remarried this year (ironically right after we got married and probably to try to get a reaction from him) to some loser guy who is well...a total loser. Not a looker either. No decent job. Anyhow, she told my dh last year when she found out we'd gotten engaged that "your marriage will be a sham because you can never love anybody like you loved me". He laughed at her and shook his head.

Strugglin, that could be you within five years. I met my dh one year after his divorce. YOU could become like his crazy xw, living in her past, wishing she could undo what she did, and running around wearing "mom jeans" with bad hair and your youth and dignity forever gone popping pills to cope with your bad choices.

I'm taking a more light-hearted approach to you. I certainly hope you never do find yourself an unrepentant wayward, forever reliving her past, wishing she could have her husband back, so you turn to booze, pain meds, ugly guys and maybe just maybe, even "mom jeans".

Truth of the matter is this:

his xww = totally unhappy, sad lady who never got over her xh and regretted her stupid behavior.

my dh= totally happy, thrilled guy who has an amazing chick (me) who loves him completely and he returns it all 100%!

and even...my xwh= totally unhappy, PENNILESS, sad guy who is divorced yet again, wishes he could undo all he did when he was married to me because he ruined his life.

strugglingaz, you are saying many of the same things I once believed. Even after the A was over, I was still foggy (especially when I didn't know what NO CONTACT was and would still go where I saw the OM, whether he was there or not), and I continued to feel much the way you do:

*That I didn't want ANYbody, just wanted to be alone.
*That I couldn't live my life for others, I needed to think about myself.
*That I wasn't fulfilled and happy in my M to my BH.

Etc.

And you know, there wasn't one single "A-ha!" moment that started to clear the fog. More than anything, it was an accumulation of misery. I was NOT happy anymore: temporary highs were followed by worsening lows; I was angry, I was depressed, and nothing I was doing (which, really, was nothing - I had no MB knowledge, my H didn't know of the A or MB plans) was fixing anything.

In fact, everything just seemed to be getting worse.

I lashed out at others, and my unhappiness reached a point where finally I just gave up. I couldn't handle it anymore. I didn't want to fight through each day, I didn't want to fight my problems, I didn't want to fight myself.

I was done trying it my way - where had that gotten me?

I confessed my A to my BH. As hard as the subsequent months/years have been, it doesn't hold a candle to how miserable my life could have become.

strugglingaz, you are light years ahead of where I - and many waywards - once was/were. Not only are you here on MB, with the plans and concepts at your fingertips and counseling w/ Steve already done, but your BH is here, too - and he is willing to pull through this with you.

I won't sugarcoat it: recovery is HARD. But it is far more rewarding, and, more importantly, an honest commitment to recovery is the right thing to do. As others have said, I can't think of a single FWS who has regretted going all in for recovery. But you need to do just that: give up, and go all in.

Thanks for the head's up, GO. I hate to think we lost one. (COUGH COUGH STRUGGLING COUGH COUGH). But thank you for alerting us to someone who has a set of ears and a brain....off I go.... Good luck, Struggling.

(I thought it was Foxworthy for a long time, too, and wondered why I could never find the skits on youtube. Hey, they sound the same!)

Hugs back at ya, Maritalbliss!!! Thanks again!!

You keep lying to yourself.

First you lie to yourself about what Marriage Builders entails.

Then you lie to yourself and say you cannot do it.

But you can do it. You just don't want to. You could do everything this program suggests.

You just don't want to.

I don't get it. You know how great it feels to be in love. You could make some changes in your life, and after awhile you would be in love with your husband. Why wouldn't anyone want to do that?

You could do it, but you choose not to. Let's have no more of this "I can't" nonsense. Let's be honest all around: you just don't want to do it.

When my little children tell me "I can't," I never let them get away with it.

Shhhhh...sayin' such things make you sound like a YANKEE, Prisca! Of course, they don't sound the same -- Foxworthy is a good ole Georgia boy, and Engvall is a smack talkin' Texan! World of difference!

Mrs. W, Card Carryin', Coke Drinkin', Atlanta, GA Native

Great post, Mrs. V. Now, if we can just pry her ears open to hear your words of wisdom.....

Thems fightin' words, Mrs. W!

Well bless yer heart!

Oh yeah and MrsV, that was an EXCELLENT post!

Mrs. W

Is saying that something that is supposed to make your choice right?

Or is it supposed to be something to try to convince us we shouldn't care?

Why do you say it, exactly? You're the one you need to convince, not us.

I think all that "Dang Yankee" business is just jealousy. I think I will go up to NY and buy me some Taco sauce..

Ok heres a funny story..Of topic but SA is so far up her own butt who cares..


I have a good friend who is from Housten<sp? TX. He grew up around the oil feilds, started his own bussiness and was a Pastor in his own church. Well this gentleman was old school and I liked him because he did not like to screw around and demanded the best from his employees.

We were working in NJ and a union rep came up to talk with the foreman on the job. Construction type work so you can get my drift of what that means.. Seems that the union was concerned that my friend had laborers on the job and we weren't in the union. He said we had to all sign up for the union or hire two people from the hall to work with us at union wages.

The foreman, who was unaquaited with how business was done there, argued with the Rep. The rep said..

"You see this is a different game here. You came with the basketball uniform and a round ball, but we are playing football, new rules, different uniforms, and a different ball. You just aren't getting it"

I took him aside and advised him just to hire the laborers and give them the skilled jobs because I knew what was coming.

But he called the big boss my friend from TX and was told to wait because TX was gonna talk to the contractor who hired him that nite. So that was that for the moment.

The Rep and i were talking later and I did not say anything, but he said to me, and I know it was the truth.

"See we know what is going on here. Your boss undercut he local contractors and is using cheap laborers",(We picked them up from a 7-11 every day, some had rode to the US on those 'death trains' out of central america. They were hungry good guys who worked hard but could not speak english).
"I have friends at the hall who need work, why would'nt I rather have my brother in law work local and make some money? He has kids and a wife too he needs to support. Why would we,*(emphasis we), stand by and watch out-of-town people make the money and leave, and save the contractor money? We have a relationship here."

Of course I knew what would happen our equipment would have mysterious problems, people would get in our way, and it would end up costing my boss more in the long run. This wasn't my first time at the rodeo. So TX had his meeting with the Gen contractor, and the contractor backed up the Union, and we hired a couple guys onto the crew. Everything went swimmingly

Lol "Your playing with a round ball" rofl. "We have a relationship here"
Well It was funny to me anyways..

Interesting thats the second time you have used that, and I tottally agree, they do tear themselves in half and bleed out.

Thank you, ladies.

You know what they say about educating a wayward...I couldn't count how many hours friends tried to "educate" me. Certainly 'til they were blue in the face, all to ostensibly no avail.

That being said, I do think the "relentless accumulation" approach has some merit to it... There's got to be a tipping point somewhere...

I've been there too. But you just never know what's going to sink in. I don't think anyone knows this, but I actually came to MB at the very beginning of my A. My H found this site. He wasn't on the forums or anything, but he did read a lot of the articles. He told me about it, so apparently he didn't read the part about not sending your active wayward spouse here, lol.

I read a lot of this stuff literally a few weeks after my A began. I even told the OM about it (have no idea if he came here or read anything). The thing is, I wasn't ready for any of it. I was waaaaayyyyyy too foggy. So I left. I continued the A for another 6 months and ended up pregnant with the OM's baby. Even after I decided to "stay" in my M, I remained in contact with the OM for another year-and-a-half after I "ended" my A, thinking we could stay "friends."

Then finally I hit rock bottom and I knew I needed help getting my life and my M back on track. And when that happened, I remembered this place. So I came back here and I started reading and I found the forums.

Now, I've had NC with the OM for going on 2 years. I know a lot of you worry about me and get frustrated with me because I still struggle with so much of this. But I really have come so far from where I was when I first came here. It may by 2 steps forward and 1 step back for many of us waywards, but the progress is still there.

I am indeed a work in progress.

I wouldn't give up on struggling or any of the other foggy waywards who stumble in here, and often stumble back out again. You never know what's going to get through. Maybe it won't be today, or next week, or even next year, but it may happen eventually. Looking at where I started and how far I've come (and still have to go) I like to think there's hope for just about anyone.

I agree with this 100%. Try a bajillion different ways to get through, try a bajillion different times...eventually something's going to stick. It may not help the WS reach rock bottom and want to de-fog/fix things, but whatever got through will hopefully be there to help them up when they do hit bottom.

Hey, SA;

I have a feeling you are lurking, and I want you to know that you can come back. Do not let your pride prevent you from posting- many people get frustraited (because MB is a dose of reality)and come back (even the great ML -- someone bump that thread)

No one here is saying you HAVE TO stay married. There are many excellent posts pointing out the positive benefits of doing so.
MB is not a "marriage at any and all costs" place.

It talks about working on YOU to become the kind of daughter, mother, friend and yes, wife that you want to be.

Here is the bottom line. If you have not even tried LIVING MB principles with your H, (I mean give it a real 100% attempt) you have not given your M a real shot at recovery - and "you quit" your family.

AND the sad part is, you will never know what kind of M you could have built with your spouse. Never.

GUESS what? You will spend years looking for a "good guy" who will stand by you, not cheat and love your babies...

GUESS WHAT? He is standing beside you now. You just don't know it yet.

If you stay or divorce you will know that fact in the future. (Even if you find your "Prince Charming"-- which is the fanasy dude who I think you are really looking for --)

You did not like the advice, picked up your toys (ego) and stomped off in a huff. Not the first time this has ever happened.

MS folks are very forgiving, if you want to come back.