I'm looking for direction. I am ready to give up although I don't want a divorce, and I feel like I have tried everything.

Long story short. My wife is in an EA it started about a year ago, and from the beginning the relationship was different. She admitted as much. Our marriage wasn't perfect and we started going to counseling at about the same time. I had a big problem with her new "friend" but I tried to be ok with it. We worked through a lot of our problems in counseling but I had a hard time with her new friend. I became suspicious and I installed a key logger on my PC. I found emails they had sent to each other and it confirmed what I had been feeling, that the relationship was out of bounds and was an EA. When I confronted her about the emails she said I didn't understand the relationship. She has never called it an EA. In her mind it has always seemed like this relationship is OK. She still sees him about once a week, and I am sure she calls him and emails him almost every work day, however she does not do it from a computer I have access to or from her cell phone. She won't lie to me about when she sees him, but she doesn't offer me much other information about phone calls email etc... I know that they have never been physical. I have exposed the relationship to her sister (showed her the email's) her sister talked to her and told her that she should end the affair. We went to a new counselor and after one session the counselor told us that our marriage won't work as long as she is in this relationship and that she has "checked out" of the marriage. I know she still cares for me, we have a good love life still, but she refuses to end the EA or even admit that it is wrong. She has apologized for the email's she send but refuses to stop seeing him despite how it makes me feel and hurts me. Throughout the year she has slowly pulled away from me and she admits she is no longer emotionally close to me, we get along fine, But unless I initiate physical contact we don't really have much.

We have been married 16 years together 19+ and have 3 kids. 15, 12, 10. I don't want it to be over but I don't know where to go from here. We had a loving and caring marriage in many ways, and we have addressed a lot of the marital problems we did have through counseling.

I have been reading the Affair Proof marriage by Dr. Harley and I think his concepts are great, if I ask my wife to read it she will, but she will just think I am trying to prove she is in an emotional affair.

Any suggestions or questions?

Zed

If this doesn't stop soon it will go from EA to PA, if it hasn't already.

Are you prepared to place a VAR in her car, and a GPS in it too?

Do you know who the OM is?
Is he married?
Does WW work with him?

Are you prepared to expose the affair to your family, his family and his wife, if he is married?

Cypress

Well, have you consider more of an exposure, this would put the affair couple more accountable to everyone that surrounds them, her family, everyone, your kids, your family the OM's wife and family and friends.
You can't just put up with her having him in her life, I would start cutting her off, finances, emotional support......domestic support, tell her if it is him she is chosing then she should go and let you start over, tell her you will keep the children with you, she is in no position to have their best interests at heart right now........
She can't connect to you because she is emotionally attached to him, until that stops you have no hope to rebuild, you need to expose, cut her off and make her chose one of you, even if you lose her at first, don't worry when the other man has to fill all her needs it will be a different story, you think the OM is going to support her financially, be a part time guy for the kids........do you think he wants to fill all her needs, I doubt it this is to comfortable for him, no responsibilities.....force him to, he will run like a scared cat.......she will never make any choices because you aren't making her...........
I know it hurts but you have no choice you want this to be your life while she gets something from both of you, keeping her family, having your financial support and getting her emotional needs met by him, why would she change anything......
You need to stand up for your family even it that means losing her for a while......
when reality hits fantasy watch it all fall apart.........
Dont' try to prove anything just tell her you cannot be a part of this situation any longer when she is ready to give him up and recommit to you and your family you would be willing but not like this.........
Be strong and firm, calm and understanding.......
Make her stand up for her family.............
this might take some time to get to but it will never change if you don't make her chose.............
good luck and stay here, lots of folks at all different stages of exactly what you are living through, they will give you the strength to put together a plan that will work.
jessi

Zed1
Sorry that you are here.

She IS in an emotional affair. This man is no friend to your marriage and must go. She is investing time in him that she needs to be investing in the M.

Others will be along soon to give you a PLAN on how to kill this. It is important to handle correctly so that you do not drive it underground.

Stay calm. You will get through this. Keep reading here.

Sorry you are here but welcome.

First of all, don't share the book or this site with your WW, do not share with her the advice you get in an attempt to educate her either.

Is OM married?

Thanks for the quick responses. The OM works about 5 minutes away from my wife. Her job is easy to leave for several hours at a time. It is an old high school friend, I didn't hear much about him through our marriage until they reconnected, then it seemed like he was this lost love or regret she had. He is married and according to my wife unhappily as well. I am prepared to expose it to my wife's family. I am very close to them, in many ways closer to them than to my family. I know they would understand my position if I chose to ask her to leave. I have tracked her in the past. She is very careful about not being with him in a private place, IE she will park with him and talk while eating lunch.

I am in charge of finances in our house, and she isn't spending money on anything unusual, her paycheck goes into our joint account. I have tried to stop giving her emotional support, but that was part of the problem that we worked through in counseling. I wasn't giving enough, now it seems I am giving to much/ overwhelming her in some ways. One of the hardest things for me is that she knows the emails they sent were wrong and has admitted that now, but she says they can be friends and not let it get to that level again. I know its all BS but I think she really believes it.

When should I expose the relationship to my mother and father in law? They may have some idea of it from her, but I am sure she has glossed over it and told them it is just a friend and I have a problem with it.

I guess by making her choose I will know if she wants to be in this marriage anymore. She enjoys our home and gets to have the security of a nice home and the stability of it all, financial support, emotional support etc, but she is just not close and is not letting me in right now. She is one of the most stubborn people I know and I am afraid if push comes to shove she would leave just prove her point, and stay with the OM as a "friend", although I think at some point she would realize that it was a mistake.

You should expose to the OMW as soon as possible. She can become a great ally in keeping an eye on the OM.

We went out socially last year in a group setting, and I know his wife had a big problem with my wife, and she was jealous of the relationship as well. I will contact her. Once I start with this it could get ugly with my wife, but I am prepared to do what is necessary for our marriage and my children and for me....

What did the emails say? I just want to make sure you have the proper proof.

Did you set up a GPS/VAR in her car? If not, this is something you will want to do immediately (today if possible)...

Yes. She most likely will be furious and try to shift the blame to you.

This is why it is important to be prepared and have a PLAN so that you are not distracted or thrown off course when the fog babble begins.

Have you read up on plan A'ing.

Problem with that is she if she leaves her work to go anywhere they would go in her car.

I have not pokerface. I will look into it.

You're spending too much time trying to convince the crack addict that she's a crack addict. Trust me....she knows what she is doing is wrong but will keep doing it until the pain of doing so outweighs the benefits.

Exposure and consequences.

Don't listen to her objections anymore as if they make any logical sense. You can't argue/debate and logic with a known wayward and doing so only pulls you down into the muck with them. Stand up for yourself, your kids AND your wife and say what YOU KNOW..

My wife is having an affair* with Joe Blow and we'd appreciate your love, prayers and support.

*don't call it an "emotional affair"...just use the descriptor "affair" because it doesn't matter which one it is and it very likely could be or have been physical at some point in time that you don't know about


A COUPLE GENERAL THINGS:

1. Don't forewarn your wife (or OM) that you plan to expose them.

2. Don't move out of your marital home (if she wants/needs to go she is free to leave as you are not her keeper...but you don't leave. If she needs "space"...offer to clear her a space in the garage or basement.

3. Don't move out of your marital bed (if she chooses to make herself uncomfortable in a guest room or on a coach that is her choice).

4. Expose in one swoop to those closest to the family and to the affair INCLUDING OM's friends and family. By getting it all out there at once you get to act thereafter as if you kind of regret it (though what's done is done...right?) and you avoid your wife trying to manipulate you from doing MORE exposure (she won't bother since everyone already knows).

Mr. Wondering

Zed1....STOP
OK now that you have stopped. Listen.
Dont do anything without substantial proof. It will be needed IN CASE it does get down to an UGLY WAR. But make no mistake it is WAR. You have a man trying to take your wife. Shes slowly justifying it.
1)Gather INTEL. GPS/ KEYLOGGER /CELL TAP/ VAR
2)Plan a broad Exposure without her knowledge. OMW is target # 1.
3)Be ready for her anger and possibly leaving.
All affairs start out as "friends" and they are "just talking". Ok there are the few blind drunk ones. But he is meeting her "Emotional Needs" and the romantic threshold will be crossed sooner or later. All the while having her withdraw for you.
Its WAR and nothing less.

I have done all of that, I have emails from last summer that leave no doubt about the relationship. She is very careful now. She does not use a computer I have access to and she does not call/text him from her phone. I can track her from her phone. She has even given me her personal login/password for email and Facebook. She knows I was keeping an eye on things in the past. She can use her work computer to email from outlook, I don't have access to that computer. She can call him from her work phone I don't have access. I do have the emails they sent and they fantasized and used many innuendos in them ie I wish I could take you away from the situation your in. I wish I would've taken a chance on you in HS" etc.. etc...

She has told me she loves him but not in the way she loves me. That he helped her through our problems last year, and she doesn't know what she would have done without him.

You have a GPS and VAR in the car? Keylogger on your home computer?

So I think the proof is there.

I just need to expose it to others. I have resisted that, other than her sister. Her sister has kept it private and not shared with other members of the family. But I did show her the emails and she agrees that the relationship should end.

No GPS. Cell phone tracking though. And yes on VAR. Ever since I exposed the emails She never calls him from her car or meet him in her car, he picks her up.

She has told me she loves him but not in the way she loves me Yes she is slowly falling IN love with him and OUT of love with you.
It concerns me with evidence this old but if she is admitting to seeing him I really think you have no choice here. Exposure nuke style. Start with OMW. It seems that this EA/PA has just been driven underground.
I feel you on the work email/phone deal. Im there too.They just took external email from 100+ employees at her job and now Im blind on her work email. And it deeply concerns me.
Zed1 this is going to be ruff but you have to set some boundaries to your M. Or you are in for years of agony. You gotta break some eggs to make an omelet.

How do you know this?

Zed, the others are right, exposure is the solution. I would do it in one fell swoop, too. Ask all of your family members to use their persuasion to influence her to end her affair. Do this all on the same day. In addition, I would find the OMs Facebook page and expose to key family members and ask them to tell the OM to leave your wife alone. We have a sample letter.

After you do all this, I would confront loser boy face to face and tell him never to contact your wife again. Insinuate to him that you are having them watched and you will know. Let him know that HELL is your name and that hell is coming. OM are pansies so he will likely be scared off.

Zed,

You wrote...He is married and according to my wife unhappily as well.

More like OM lied to your W about his being unhappy.

I would like to have a dollar for every potential OM who said a version of that to a potential OW, it used to make me sick hearing it from my W when guys would strike up conversations. Sympathy is for people who really deserve it for goodness sakes.

God Bless
Gamma