What next? Meet his needs, repeat....
Meet his needs, repeat....
expect nothing in return.

I am routing for you, Trace! I've been in your shoes. Don't give up. Work the MB plan..

Trace, pay attention to JL's questions. JL (along with so many of the others here) has a way of asking questions to really make you think, and get to the heart of the matter.

Here's another tip, or thought: don't just think about what your H's top needs are, think about the best ways to meet those needs. I like to pull in a little bit of the Five Love Languages here, because my feeling with my own H is that we speak different "love languages."

So, how can you creatively meet a need for affection, for example? What sorts of things did your H use to do for you? Did he buy you flowers, gifts? Did he like to go out and do fun things together? Did he like to physically touch and be touched, hold hands, etc? Did he do thing like get the oil changed in your car, or plant flowers in the yard for you?

The ways that he showed affection to you are clues to the way he likes to receive it. Invite him over for a home-cooked dinner and a movie. Make it a comedy, nothing heavy, something light and fun. Leave him a gift in his car or on the porch - just something small, like his favorite candy or something you saw out shopping that made you think of him. Have flowers delivered to his work. Suggest something that you can all do together as a family (I suggested putt-putt tonight! )

Make yourself a list of ENs and brainstorm creative ways of fulfilling them. Don't throw 'em at him all at once! You'll get worn out, been there, done that!

Trace,

Also search for old posts by a lady named facing_choices. I think that is right, old age setting in I think . Anyway her marriage ended in divorce. She came her a few weeks after divorce and eventually she won her H back and has restored her family. Long hard road for her, but she did it.

God Bless,

JL

I think JL means Hopeful_Person.


Link to first thread

And, here is her Positive update thread **** LINK ****

Trace, why don't you contact Dr. Harley? Dr. Harley and his wife Joyce record a radio program most weekdays and answer questions. They will even send you a free book if they answer your question on the air.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb2.cfm?recno=12

mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

thank you all for your input. I have the book "Surviving an Affair" also "Love & Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs (very good book) Despite what I have done (A) I would consider myself a subserviant wife. I don't argue, call names or make a fuss. My husband makes all the decisions of the family and then simply "tells me" about them. I felt like I had no control over my life. Let alone be allowed to have an oppinion. My husband is a WONDERFUL PROVIDER. But I felt as if I was on the level of the kids in regards to my place in the family. We don't have a checking account so I had to ask for money for virtually everything and anything. If I wanted to buy a pop at the convience store I had to ask for money then give him any change back. You get the picture? And when I tried to talk to him about it he would get irritated. (I always used the words "I", not "You" when talking to him about issues) His favorite phrase is "pick ur battles", in other words, drop it!!

What's your point?

Trace,

Pep is right it is Hopeful_person. I liked Pep's question. What do you want to tell us and yourself by what you posted?

I repeat "Who are you?" Tell us.

God Bless,

JL

trace, I haven't been sure how to respond after I originally asked what you've been doing to recover from the A. I think part of that is just your posting style - it's difficult for me to suss out the situation because you give what seems a relatively small scattering of details.

More than that, though, I think it's what JL is getting at: who are you? The details in your posts give a picture, but it's one-dimensional. I think it will be more helpful - for you, first and foremost, but for those on the discussion forums who would like to help - to approach this with more introspection. That will give a more three-dimensional picture.

Infidelity is rotten, there's no way around it. However, if I had to find a silver lining, I would say the opportunity to recover from infidelity offers an unparalleled chance to learn, to grow, to know yourself, and to know who you want to become.

As difficult as it may be, try to exit the hamster wheel of details ("He did this, I do this, what happens now, what's my next step, what if he does this, what if I forgot this, etc., etc., etc.") and spend some time reflecting.

Who are you?

Trace,
Your issues are not invalid. The stuff about money and his control is not irrelevant. Its just a small piece of the puzzle. It will take time for the folks on this forum to get to know you. Everyone seems to be trying to get to know you.

I bet you want to explain to us why you did what you did. Trust please. TRUST! There are people her who understand what you did. Okay?!

But they aren't soft supporters. These folks will call bullsh*t on you. Its tough love. But you should appreciate it.

So open up more. Please tell us more. Just keep on sharing. You have started. Great job! So happy you are here. We are pro-marriage! You guys can make it.

Help us by filling in the blanks of your story.

sorry, don't mean to be so scattered. Also, I have VERY LIMITED internet access. As far as meeting my husbands needs, I printed off EN for him to fill out and he threw it away. When I asked him what they were so I could work on/take care of them he said HE didn't even know what his needs are. When I 1st moved out in Jan. He was all about getting me back. Which is what I wanted too. He would say lets work on getting you back. He said b4 he let me move back I had to confess to our 4 teenagers what I did and get their blessing 1st. They all wanted me back. He would take me out tell me he missed me and loved me but he still wasnt ready for me to move back yet. Every condition he had I agreed to and met. But then he would come up with another excuse not to let me move back yet. He has 100% access to my phone, emails and knows exactly where I'm at at ALL TIMES. I have bent over backwards to show him my love and devotion and yet I feel he's jerking me around. I do and say everything with complete conviction and wholeheartedness. He even says he knows that I am going above and beyond to prove myself to him. But I feel as if I was closer to being home several months ago than I am now. He said he wants to slow down so we don't burn-out. I don't understand what that means. I asked him if he knew then what he knows now, would he have let me go so easy? and his response was I don't know any different. Again, WHAT do that mean? In response to a comment someone made on here to me in regards to "persuing him", I have been persuing him, sending him text "I love you's" "Thinking of You". Calling going over to see him and making myself available 24/7. I asked him if he appreciated all the attention/persute and he said that he liked it but he's used to it. When he was younger and broke up with girls he said they all persued him long after they broke up. Again....wth??

He is hurt. He had his ego and heart all crushed at the same time.

He doesn't have to take you back just yet or ever. He might if you prove OVER TIME that you are worthy of his trust and love again. If not, he's gone for good.

Being a betrayed spouse is one of the most harmful and hurtful things to ever endure. It totally changes you and the world you knew spins upside down. To you, that affair may seem a lifetime ago. TO HIM it was YESTERDAY and he feels that pain again and again over and over when you moved out to live with the om.

TRUST IS BUILT IN TIME. Healing happens in time. It always boggles my mind when the wayward spouse STILL has their taker in control like you do now, thinking "I've done all these GREAT things to show my ws that I'm back in the marriage and want us back together, HE NEEDS TO DO WHAT I WANT NOW AND COME BACK." That's your taker feeling this way still.

This is a manipulation tactic that you are using. It is also a DJ. You are doing things with a particular outcome in mind. You need to do it for you and only you. Complete conviction and wholeheartedness doesn't come with strings attached. You have to move your life so you are being the best person you can be. You need to move your life without any expectation this marriage can be saved. You need to understand the full concept of the DJ, because I am sure it played a huge part in your pre-A marriage.

Also, as a BS I Plan A'd my WH profusely for months with an expectation he would come back to the marriage. What did he do-he jerked me around by shacking up with the POSOW. We, BS's, know what it feels like to be jerked around. Today my WH is still wayward, still trying to jerk me around, is unrepentanct, and doesn't want to come back.

I don't have much left in me to want to be with him. You have to go through life now with no guarentees. You have to stand back and look at yourself because you thread discusses a lot of work you could be doing for you. Who knows with time your husband may see a new wife, one he would want to be with forever. I am sure he can feel your DJ's and that is something may deplete all his love for you.

itistoughlove, that is an excellent observation! Thank you!

what is DJ?

never mind, looked it up. thanks for the input

I can understand this, as I've lived it. Am living it. I periodically look back over H's old texts and emails to me over the last 16 months. I don't know why I do it, really...trying to figure out where things went wrong, maybe...how did his texts go from "Hey beautiful, I love you" and "I choose to stay!!!" to "I don't want to see you" and "I'm not coming to the house as long as you're there." All I can figure is simply put, I failed at recovery. I did too many things wrong before I found a plan, and even then I just did too many things wrong.

At first when H left, I pursued him desperately. I sent him cards, bought him gifts, MADE him gifts (to include several mix CDs, like I'm a lovesick kid, lol), wrote him lengthy letters. Even though I kept repeating the mantra of "no expectations," it was almost impossible for me not to feel the sting of no reaction.

In the end, though, as much as I struggle with it, I know that the only things I can control are my actions, and the only person I can control is me. I've laid my heart out there for him. Maybe he believes in my love, in me, maybe he doesn't. That's his choice. But I've let him know where I stand, and where I'll continue to stand. That if he does come home, that if he chooses me, if he chooses our M, I'll live the rest of my life being - and becoming - the wife he deserves.

I still send emails and texts, still try to meet his needs, but I try to keep the pressure off. I'll even still buy him gifts from time to time, simply because I'll be out shopping and I see something that it makes me think of the man I love, even if it is just a bag of peanut M&Ms or a coffee cup.

If he never decides to come home, then at some point I'll have no other choice but to choose to move on. I don't know when that will be. I'm not ready to make that choice.

All you can really do, Trace, is start pulling yourself up again. Regardless of whether our BH's ever give us another chance, we have to look at ourselves in the mirror and like who we see there.

PS -- I'm telling you this with full knowledge that I haven't gotten there yet. I still see that scarlet letter when I look at myself. I can choose to become someone whose actions will help that scarlet letter fade with time, or I can go back to being the miserable, selfish b*tch I was two years ago.

And while I'm not always happy with myself now, I really hate that b*tch I was 2 years ago.

Sorry Trace for this Thread Jack...

Wulfpack girl... sometimes I am afraid that my WW will be like you in a year. Right now, I am giving her gifts, showering her with LB units, working sooo sooo hard. But I am afraid that I will lose that motivation while she remains... what shall I call it? "in limbo", undecisive, angry, non-repentant, un-interested in giving me many LB units.

She says she remains angry at me... madder than ever. She is hurt and cannot heal. I receive very few LB deposits. I did a bunch of nice stuff for valentines day, mothers day, our anniversary. She gave me nothing. We'll see about Father's Day. She might lose an awesome man. I've read your other threads. I might turn away like your husband and throw in the towell... and she will be like you... a FWW wishing she had worked harder at Recovery.

Trace,

Who are you? What kind of person are you?

God Bless,

JL

t/j - Stretch - FWIW - My WW didn't give me anything for our anniversary (before D-day, but deep in A), v-day, or my b-day. I know I will get something from my child for father's day. My WW will make sure of that. Father's day is not about her, it's about your kids and you. If your wife doesn't help the kids do anything for father's day, then there's a problem you need to get out on the table.

..just my two cents worth.