CV , I needed that pick me up at that exact time TY

Mike I just did a sad run but shes at work. Perhaps it is time to move your family. But I still think yesterdays advice needs re visited. Get stronger Anti D's. Your pain is evident in your posts and I know the meds helped me. Im sure they stopped several AO.
You need some "Time Vision" because right now time is creeping for you. Did for us all. This is so fresh that "seeing" is a problem. I think small goals are in order. Today you will have a great day! 24 hour goal.

Just left a msg for my Dr. to call me so I can ask for something a bit stronger.

You are very welcome! I like your plan. I remember sometimes just struggling minute by minute... Small steps. with the big picture in mind.

Moving right now, to me at least, is letting the A win. I have no evidence to think OM nor my FWW have sought each other in private. And, Im on her like a blanket. As I read the SAA book, I see the addiction that existed betw them. But, I do see a lot of relief thats its over on my FWW side. Now, OM is another story and I dont know his state of mind. We have cut off nearly everyway for him to reach her that I can thing of. He wont call our home, doesnt have her new cell or email, both of which I monitor, and because of the damage he knows he helped cause to my kids who he's know since they were babies, and I know Ill get beat up for this, I have to believe there is a heart in there knowing how further screwed up he'd make them by contacting their mother. This is man with severe mental issues so anything is possible like all of you jumped down my throat to inform me. But, he has got to be embarassed beyond compare about the taping of my FWW with him without telling her and his somewhat of an apology letter last weekend sort of helped me think he may be done with her.

Im as vigilant as a mf'er for him. Believe me.

Mike GREAT MOVE! Xanax was the best one for me. At first they make you a little sleepy and everything tastes good. Still cant figure out how I dropped 15 pounds taking them, guess I forgot to eat. In a few days the sleepy goes away and it has a calming effect on anxiety. I would plan to be on them for 30 days and then work with your DR to decrease dosage for 30 if this is his prescription. Then maybe the every now and then as I am. (sleepy comes back if you skip a few days of dosage I find.)
CV Baby steps Its how I get from day to day. I take one at a time. Shew, breath.
Mikesmile you can do this. Your WW is willing to compensate from what I see you saying. Stick to the course as MelodyLane just reminded me. Recovery can truly take YEARS. Breath. Years. Breath. But Today all we have to deal with is Today. Work the plan TODAY and plan to work it when tomorrow is today.
Today Im going to improve 1% better than I was yesterday at being a better Husband, Father and a better man.

Hils, I down at almost 10 pounds in under 4 wks. Butterflies in the stomach make it tough to want to eat a lot. However, when I saw my Dr. after dday, he asked me to drop 20, dont think he meant before my 30 day follow up visit next week, but maybe I can surprise/concern him by doing it.

Yep u need stronger meds. The mental battle you are in with yourself will be a huge struggle Mike. Even under the best conditions.Resentment is probably the #1 thing a BS has to overcome for the M to move forward. But now that your getting back lean and mean maybe its time for a little self care as well! Walks /Bubble baths/ going out for an Ice Cream. Things you can invite her to do with you.

Got em coming. Something in the Lexapro family of meds. Doc says it takes 2 weeks to a month to kick in, but we'll get 'er going tonight.

My H went on ADs after dday and it was lexapro. They told him it would take a couple of weeks but he started to feel better after a few days. Hopefully that is the case for you as well. Hang in there

Lex is pricey even with my copay, going generic with Celexa. Doc said either or would be fine.

It was like drinking a glass of water for me. Lexapro and Zoloft. I tried both and I couldn't tell I took a thing even 2 -3 weeks out. I had to hire a new MD as my long time family PA was way to non invasive on his approach. Hes an herbal kinda guy. I needed something quick and effective.
I think you may need to fully explain yourself to the MD so as he understands your not just depressed, but in fact are traumatized. I agree the PHs general approach should be less invasive/aggressive in treatments. But I dont take a knife to a gun fight either. He gave you a butter knife. Mike does he know about your weight loss attitude etc and the mental state you have been forced into?
Dr H's research shows infidelity as more traumatic than rape. You thinking a rape victim that has been traumatized gets Lex? Seek a second opinion or be open and honest with your current MD.

Yes. One of the things my FWW insisted and what everyone has said is I need to think of me first so after dday, I had my first physical in a ton of years. And I laid out completely what Id been through and its very fresh then. So he knows the level of damage here and broached the subj of ADs on that visit. He said today, that on my 30 day followup next week the subject of ADs would have come up again and would have asked about depression. And, i would have said, ummm, yeah. Its my first time with such pharma so Im going to have to see if I can detech any difference or not. No baseline to compare other than my former happy go lucky self.

My second MD had been through a A so he knew what the pain was. I still use him 5 years later. Everyone is different so try it, but if it isn't making a difference change it quickly. I personally dont feel Lex is as of an immediate effect as desired. More of a medication you would need to maintain for 6 months or so. There are others that have immediate effects. But Im no MD either so do as you think best for you.

May '11 will go down as the worst in history for my family. And, my wife disagreed as although her worst secret and near destruction of everything dear to her almost happened she feels being discovered ended an era that she wanted to end for a very long time. And, as we move to further along our path of forgiveness and growing our affection and love of each Im still stuck in a depression which now Im getting the help of meds to control. So as I go each day tryng to keep my anger and sadness in check and trying to be "man", all I think about is how I have to swallow the poop of my wifes A and buck up and be strong. Its an odd thing. We spoke calmly last night about my inner conflict of wanting more information and my desire not to hurt and open her wounds. Im told when the anger and/or sadness become too much pick yourself up and go for a run. But its alone in my thoughts were the anger comes from. I know everyone will answer with a single word: time. Bring it on. Now. Six month, 2 years, 5 years, do it now because Im making promises not to AO at her and not to sulk around her and the kids, but its very hard. Our amateur psychologist/friend who I mentioned a while back gave me the toughest of love yesterday. She was hormonal and has stomach virus but her words were clear: "Stop the f-ing whining, boo hoo'ing, woe is me BS, the woman before Mother's day doesnt exist anymore. You got a new person who needed mother's day to finally grow up. Stop the crying and sad stroll or mad meandering and get a grip. If your kids saw you sulking, I pity them that they had to see that. AND, you know what, all that crying and sad strolls and other BS youre pulling is to get attention on you. LOOK AT ME, WIFE, LOOK HOW SAD I AM. Weak, unmanly BS. Now f-ing stop it." She was awesome.

Now how to do all that?

I keep on thinking of what CV said 100 posts ago or so "you won, she chose you" and thats really what its about. I have the words printed and in my wallet and on my desk.

Time. Thats the other thing, time.

She said to me last night during our calm conversation, she owes me 7 years when she was here, but not with me. Not sex, but seven years of her. And she really did start dday.

Sounds good to me.

As a woman BS, I feel (felt, whatever) exactly the same way about having the "swallow the poop" of the FWH's adultery. Time helps, yes, but along with time, the just compensation of a better than pre-A marriage is the other important factor.

The only way I (and other BSs) can somehow get past this, and it's not been easy, is to keep focusing on now, now, now and the future and NOT on the recent horrible past. If your W is attentive and loving and learns to meet your emotional needs and avoids love-busting, and if you do the same, the future will be better. I still have my bad days, but we just signed up for the Online MB course in the hopes that we will learn to systematically build a better marriage for our future.

Your friend said "The woman who existed before Mother's Day doesn't exist anymore." That's exactly what my husband says about himself. He says he hates that other person he was and wants to completely change. If your FWW feels the same way, there's hope. We can keep checking up on them, making sure there is transparency, and slowly the trust will rebuild.

Wow Mike thats heavy my man.
But you aren't gonna swallow any poop of the A. You are giving HER the chance to earn forgiveness. Its not a give deal. She will have to work daily, hourly and by the seconds to EARN that again.
Dr H says that surprisingly A's don't end the M in most cases. In fact quite the opposite. If handled properly they flourish to new heights thought never attainable.
Be glad the old wife is dead and the old Mike. Because really, he wasn't happy anyhow was he? He was content but not happy.
That pep talk makes some sense. But it discounts some valid issues. Unmanly BS? No I think crying and sadness is deserved by anyone in trauma. A bus just ran over all three of your children so MAN UP. NAH I dont think so. Grief is not unmanly.
I do think what she was trying to say is and DR H agrees with is that we must think about Today and do not dwell on the past. Plan for the future. Turn words into actions today. Accept the things you cannot change and change the things you cannot accept.
What jumps out to me the biggest in your last post is you still have questions you want to ask about the affair? A major part of healing YOU is to not have any unanswered questions about the A. Your FWW must reveal anything and everything you may want to still ask. BUT once that has been done its gone from speaking of it again.

...all I think about is how I have to swallow the poop of my wifes A...

...the alternative being??????

MS, let's review how you got here.

YOU (alone) had a choice between two paths (with some small sub-paths possible):

• You could have kicked the....woman.... to the curb, lawyered-up, filed, and driven the marriage to an end. You would not have had to deal with the "Whys?" and the pain of anticipating letting back into your heart-of-hearts the woman who trampled that heart the first time she was there. You would also have impacted your children and their future negatively.
• You could have "manned up" taken on the burden of bringing her back to your marriage with the associated pain (and poop-consumption) that is a necessary part of the process. This would maintain the marriage, and your commitment made a long time ago, to those words about poorer, worse, sickness, "til death you do part".

YOU made the choice. Dung digestion is part of the menu you've selected. Yes, it's distasteful. But if you acknowledge that you are doing it of YOUR OWN VOLITION, it might make the taste more palatable.

Your WW might not be there, yet, but most of us FBH's have learned that when the full enormity of what she did, and what you're doing NOW to repair the damage, finally hits, she'll be using the bigger spoon to dispose of the mess.

BTW: My FWW still does not fully comprehend why I went through the recovery process. Our children were grown; I could have bailed with little collateral damage. Because of some history, the likelihood would have been she would have paying spousal support, if any. Whenever she expresses her doubts I explain that I made promises thirty-five years ago, and I do not break my word. You are showing the same "grit". Keep strong, MS.

Ahem. It seems very clear to me that your amateur psychologist friend needs to hang on to her day job. You are grieving, Mike! You are grieving a huge betrayal! You are in anguish over the loss of a trusting, innocent time pre-A, when the thought of spending the rest of your life with your WW was a no-brainer, obvious future! That blew up in your face and you are left to pick up the pieces and rebuild the dam! If you need to cry, CRY. If you need to walk, WALK! If you need to have your WW look at you to see the damage she has wrought, SO BE IT!

That is NOT unmanly BS. It is not weak for a man to cry! Ugh, can we EVER get over those stupid, ignorant stereotypes?!

She was NOT awesome! Would she say the same thing to a husband whose spouse has died? Would she say to 'get over it' then?? I'll bet not! You are suffering the death of what you believed was your marital reality!

Smart question. You know why? Because you CAN'T do that until you have grieved and begun healing! There is NO magic switch that you can flip!

You need TIME. You need a transparent, honest marriage. You need a WW who is committed to helping you rebuild your M into an affair-proof, passionate marriage that no third party can sever.

And THAT, my friend, takes TIME. It is not aided by arm-chair psychologists who proceed to take issue with your grief and think a stern talking-to will set you straight! For crying out loud, Lord deliver us from those ignorant people and teach them to keep their mouths shut when they don't know what they're talking about!

Anyone else want to borrow my soapbox?

MS,

I just wanted to second what NG is saying (as he, and many other vets said to me as well). Your WW might not be there, yet, but when the "full enormity" of what she did hits, and what you're doing NOW to repair the damage, it will make a difference.

My W still questions (well, it's only been @ 3 months since exposure)why I've stayed to recover the M, knowing that I could have bailed (and still can) and that she wouldn't have a leg to stand on. She has stated how proud she is of me for working to salvage the M, be the leader of the family, and for carrying her as she has needed to process the shame, guilt, etc. from her A.

Whenever she expresses her doubts and says "I don't know what I did to deserve you remaing my life partner", I remind her I'm in this for the long haul and I CHOOSE this M / family. If needed, I also add that I will remain in the M so long as there is NC with OM and not another A, period. My boundaries.

Stay strong. It does matter to her.

Yeah, I'll bum it from you.

That "friend" of yours needs to try saying that crap to your face if her husband fools around on her. I'd have told her to go "have relations" with herself since she didn't have a clue as to what she was talking about, but I don't have a lot of patience sometimes