Oh, yes, and she also complains about my features, she says that she abores it if I don't wear my hair cut short because then I look like an old man, etc.

She is constantly demanding that we sit down and begin to distribute our assets. She wants out, now.

My review of what happened between us during the last 6 months was that she started to do some seriously independent behaviour and I did some serious demands, angry outbursts and threats: I moaned about the child's dogs that destroys our garden chair cushions every time we leave it outside, I had an angry outburst about one dog that constantly manage to get out of the yard into the street which results in the neighbours complaining, I demanded that she and her daughter at least help me keep the kitchen clean since I am the one who usually have to prepair dinner annyway, and I am constantly worried about our retirement funds etc. I was worried that she attending a sky diving weekend without me together with a bunch of guys was a threat to our ralationship so I expressed severe reservations about it but eventually conceded that I am Ok with it. All this apparantly build resentment in her which now suddenly erupted in one hugely angry reaction which entails that she files for divorce and just get out of my live.

The more I try to talk to her the angrier she becomes. Resentment is written all over her face and she absolutely refuses to budge. Me trying to explore topics that caused all this with her cuases her to build up so much anger that she evene showed me the middle finger when I tried to point to some stuff between us that wasn't all that bad.

I also remember that I sugested about a month ago, before I was aware of all this stuff going on in her head, that we just on the spur of the moment take a long weekend and head off some place nice, just the two of us. Somehow we got nowhere with our plans and I now realise that she wasnt exactly enthusiastic about the idea.

Everyting that she says indicates that she built up a serious amount of resentment, that she don't care if her behaviour is classed as independent, i.e. not taking my needs into account; if I dare to stand in her way or complain about it, she thinks that she has every right to resent me for it. This pent up resentment has now erupted.

This marriage is in serious, serous danger! I suspect that if this marriage is ever going to be solved.

She wants out, and she is not going to allow my stalling tactics to get in her way. She wants action on disbanding this marriage right now.

I did some further talking and digging because my whole life is currently consumed by this stunt that she is pulling on me.

I am looking for the tell-tale signs of an affair, other than emotional distance, but I find absolutely none.

We talked again this afternoon and in a very melodramatic way, with lots of afection, she told me what an absolute pathetic @hole I am. According to her, what really drove her insane with anger was when I did not agree with her that my use of the word "Hello" instead of "Hi" in emails was an issue. That apparently made her realise that she will never be able to change me. She also abhores the fact that I pronounce "yes" in the wrong way and that will presumably lead people to think that I am a bit of a looser. That made me remember that while we were dating she also had serious isses with the way that I chew my food but thankfully that did not appear again.

Other people with whom I spoke described her as false and superficial, a real attention seeker, overly concerned with her appearance, used to totally loose her temper with people who dare to express critisism at her, and are amazed that I was not able to see how false she was when we dated. She has zero tolerance for anything that stands in her way; the fact that I had reservations of her just going on and spend over and above the already generous budget that we decided upon that she could spend on herself apparantly drove her resentment to insane heights.

And something else that I remember about her is that she can call off a relationship at the blink of an eye if she feels offended by some minor thing. For instance, she banned her sister out of her life for years, only to pick up the relationship again and treated the sister as another salvage project when the sister went through some emotional trauma. She also appeared to have had a very close relationship to my mother but something about our last visit there upset her and now she flatly ignores my poor mother who is probably still under the misguided believe that my wife was a sincere friend with whom she could share a real friendship.

As I think about my situation, things pop into my mind which may shed light on my situation and that probably helps me to sort myself out.

I also remember my wife telling me about her sister who got involved in drugs and relationships with shady characters, about her father spanking them with a whip or slapping them so hard that they actually fell off their chairs while they were still children, her brother who recently survived a suicide attempt, and herself falling pregnant while still at school and underwent a secret abortion organised by the "father" 's family; the fetus was apparantly thrown into the veld next to the roadside when it came off while she was driven home after the induction.

I am just trying to sort out if I am that bad that she sould overreact so severely. I admid that I make mistakes, cause love busters, etc. but really, one can work at it - at least I am willing to. My wife is currently treating me with the utmost disdain in the most condescending manner.

Komo, I'm sorry but your wife sounds mentally ill. Are you familiar with Borderline Personality Disorder? I'd suggest that you research it and consider her actions in light of that possibility.

Komo, I have to agree with Kirby here, she sounds like she has some serious problems. Especially in light of what others are also saying about her.

I noticed you have mentioned finances numerous times, and that I am sure causes you a great deal of unrest from what I'm reading. My concern with that is you are approaching ten years of marriage quicker than not, and that seems to be a magic number in most states in regards to finances and who gets what. If you try to save it and fail, you might be toasting your own finances on something I really don't see as worthwhile.

You also mentioned visualizing yourself without her and trying to get on better terms with your children from your first marriage. GOOOD IDEA!!! I saw where you said this was a rebound for you, I know that feeling, finally figured out my stbx is a rebound for me and those are just not ever good.

Personally, I think your wife is only there for the money, and you need to protect YOUR retirement at this point, she's not sounding very hopeful at all to me. I don't get the feeling others have gotten that she's having an affair so much with anyone else, as she is so self centered and emotionally invested in herself that she can't see anyone anyway. It's the money to her.

Sure sounds like my sister, and I disowned her 16 years ago if that says anything.

Komo,

You definitely have the odds against you if this is your second and her third marriage.

I am not justifying your wife's behavior by any means, but remember there are two sides to this marriage, and you are 50% responsible for the demise.

If you want to save the marriage Dr. H suggests you do a Plan A for a short time and then prepare youself for Plan B if your wife is unwilling to meet your needs. If you search "When to call it quits" you will get further suggestions.

If you are fully sure you want to divorce then I encourage you to align your finances and prepare for Plan B.

You will need to take a long journey down a path called, "Fixing Self". If you ever plan to remarry again you will be on your third and your success rate will be very low. I can almost say for certain there are key character issues with you, and you will need to figure out why you seek out the woman you do for marriage.

You are chosing these woman based on your needs, and how you view yourself. If you are picking these woman by their looks and not considering your other emotional needs, then I worry you may be defeated each time.

You will have a long journey ahead of you, and much heartache can be saved if you implement the PlanA/B tools.

Tough~

Very, very true. I accept that my behaviour also contributed; I do think that if I was in a relationship with a normal person, we would have sorted out my love busting behaviour in a forgiving, caring way. This what I am now experiencing does not feel normal. She even told me in detail, and in an affective way as if some brilliant thoughts were striking her, how she should actually, actually stab me with a knife or beat me with a baseball bat, and that thankfully the revolver was locked in the safe otherwise she would shoot me but then she would get locked up and she don't think I'm worth getting locked up for.

Komo,

Keep checking for now, and then when you have the intel you need then make a plan for yourself........
Your wife sounds very angry and resentful about life in general........
You do have a chance to save your marriage and you can start the process alone at first if you have to, ask her to go to counseling with you. Hopefully she will agree, or you start to Plan A her yourself.......
Watch the movie Fireproof..........
Give Plan A a couple of months, if nothing has changed then Plan B, what ever you do don't leave the home, if she asks you to leave tell her to go if she has decided the marriage is over.........
Tell her you are not finished and that you will be willing to put together a marriage you both will be happy with.........
IC and MC might help both of you......
jessi

She sounds like a wayward to me. I would keep snooping like a bloodhound to find out what she is doing. The fact that she stays out all night makes me believe this is an affair. All of the stuff you posted makes me MORE convinced she is in an affair, not LESS. It is a classic trait of a WS to manufacture grievances about the BS and that is what she is doing here.

You need to do a better job of snooping, Komo. A good PI can get all the goods in 8 short hours usually. It would be worth every penny.

In the meantime, I would move your money to a safe place and take her off any sources of credit.

Komo, there are a lot of similarities between your story and mine. I was going to suggest the same thing as Kirby. I'm glad she beat me to it, as I sometimes think people here must see me as the Paul Revere of BPD...

There are some very good (but frightening) articles on BPD written by Shari Schreiber here. If you take a few minutes, I suggest you read When Love is Just a Four Letter Word, Borderline Waifs and Unsung Heroes and There Must Be a Pony in Here, Somewhere[/i].

Let me also offer my standard disclaimer: I am [i]NOT a psychologist/psychiatrist, and only a professional can make a clinical diagnosis. I do, however, have my experience with a woman who a psychiatrist with whom I consulted strongly suggested was BPD. It was an experience I do not wish to repeat or relive.

I began to suspect this too. Life has been relatively good the last couple of years and I forgot what happended during our first couple of years: With her I really lost my temper for the first time in my life so bad that I actually took a cup and smashed it on the kitchen floor in frustration. I remember that she got so angry for days at one stage that I had to constantly keep my kids away from her, so I used to take them out for the afternoon. Still she would phone after me and hurl the worst kind of abuse at me. Eventually she went to see a psychiatrist who bluntly told her that he is very surprised that I did not divorce her by then. Fortunately she got drugs that calmed her down and with my new knowledge of what I read on marriagebuilders I tried to stay away from love busters until my marriage became good again and I slipped back into my old habits: forgetting that denying her a request or even just asking for a postponement of a request would immediately lead to an anger explosion or at the very least a serious build-up of angry thoughts and resentments that feed on themselves until she is in an anger state that has no relation to reality.

I read a lot the past couple of days, to the extent that my work and my studies are now suffering, but I suspect that she certainly has traits of a hystrionic disorder of some kind. Th only aspect of the checklist that does not comply is overtly sexual passes in public, however her job requires that she constantly make presentations to high value males in the upper echelons of business in order to get them to sign contracts, so her opportunity to dress in skimpy uniforms, and being the center of attention probably addresses all her hystrionic needs.

My children view her as over the top and pretentious, some other people blatantly describe her as false, she has a history of driving men with whom she was involved nuts, she cannot stand not being the queen bee at work and told me with great pride how nasty she has been to other female colleauges whom she perceived as a threat, she spends a lot of money on maintaining a youthfull appearance (botox, sun beds, taning half naked in the backyard, lipo suction, diets, lip enhancement injections, etc.) I remember when we went to a dance: my clothes were carefully selected for me, I was told how to pose and how to behave, while on the dance floor she kept up a constant stream of instructions of how I should dance while at the same time berating about forgetting certain dance moves and repeating others too often and all the time she was smiling seetly as if she was whispering sweet nothings in my ear. She also has zero tolerance for being denied a request - it leads to HUGE hissy fits or the silent treatment.. She experiences my concerns about sticking to our budget which we both agreed upon

At other times she spontaniously hugs me, holding hands, we would go shopping together, go to the movies, eat at a restaurant and my live would seem bliss again. But, lately, I did feel that she was giving a lot of time to her daughter and the TV and her work and I began to feal like the old butler in the house. Maybe I should have followed a more positive approach and complained less and do something more constructive; I don't know.

Anyway, I am seeing a family counselor tommorrow and another one the day after that. As some of you sugested, I resist every attempt that she makes to make me move out of the house, I byte my lips and refuse to indulge in shouting matches and slowly try to open the charm taps wherever I see a gap, but its difficult. I will plan A her, and also discuss this with my marriage counselors who should also help determine if it is worth it to stay with a hystrionic person. Then moving on to plan B and then, out if we can't work things out.

Money matters are difficult since we are married within community of property.

Get a PI, I say this because if you are in a community state the percentage of distribution is a little different. In my state it is a 60-40 split. With that said, I understand that little piece of fear you may have in finding that your wife is involved in an affair.

I honestly feel that if others on this board are seeing hints of A in your story, then that needs to be explored.

I was in your shoes, with my M limping. My STXWH was not willing to do the work. He chose to walk away from the M. I'm in a new scary place all alone, but at the same time I'm no longer facing a man each day that is not placing his M before his needs- job, OW whatever.

In regards to the counselor- I was lucky in our MC to find someone who had never heard of MB, but when I explained it to him, he was on board with the principals. I hope that is your experience too!

Oh yes, I phoned colleauges and family: family member says there should be an affair since she could never bear to be alone. Colleauge says no affair that she knows of.

This time around I will nevertheless get a PI to make doubly sure. I myself did not pick up any strange behaviour normally associated with an affair like secretaveness, lies, telephone guarding, unexplained absences etc. The last absences I am almost sure that she stayed with her female colleauge with whom she is very close. Currently she also seems to be able to be independant since she has this sky diving hobby in which she is totally immersed and her daughter to whom she devotes all her attention, her collueagues at work and also her business acquintances. She also has this rich old man whom she invited to our home from time-to-time but although she sort of respects him she treats him like her personal chaufer (her car broke down lately and had to spend some time in the repair shop). She thinks nothing of phoning him up and requesting that he fetch her from work, take her to the shop and then drop her off at home. She may invite him in for coffee and then treat him like royalty although I can see this is all superficial. The moment he is out of the door she says that he is a fat old man who is nice to her and she knows that she is taking advantage of him.

Do not talk to any of her friends about your suspicions. They are her friends. I would think they are not likely to tell you, but to maybe confront her. Hire a PI. Dont get into the situation Im in where I have hired one- and have to spend more money to figure out where he REALLY lives vs. what he told me.

A cheater hides their affair, so it makes sense the collegue wouldn't know. Its real important that you do hire a PI to find out for sure because this has all the earmarkings of an affair.

I saw a family counselour today. Like marriagebuilders, he also works with a definite plan, which I like. The next trick is to get my wife to meet him too.

As for the suspicions of affairs, I got the contact details of a PI and discuss how he can tackle the situation

Since I am so deprived of nice female company, I have this need to just chat up a normal woman in order to just experience "normal" in my life again. I know I cannot indulge in this since then I would be the one having an affair; but the temptation is there.

Komo, come here and share your thoughts and views. There is a great group of people here, both men and women, and because of the anonymous nature of the board, sometimes you can't even tell which is which!

I am seing another marriage counselor today; my previous experience with a MC (8 years ago) was pretty disappointing so I decided this time to look for someone that at least has an action plan. It seems that the one that I saw yesterday really is solution focussed with a definite plan.

My wife is away on a business trip outside the country and quickly phoned her daughter last night; she did not even bother to speak to me.

My next appointment with yesterday's counceler is only in 10 days' time. This feels too far into the future and I doubt if my wife would even be willing to participate. My stress levels are high, I wake up in the middle of the night with this awfull feeling of anxiety and then can't sleep again. I never believed in taking pills, except for panado's, but this time I was only too willing to take my wife's urbanols and swallow 2 or 3 each day since it definitely helps to calm me down and help me to put one foot in front of the next one. But still my work and studies are seriously suffering since I have a terible time to concentrate on my work.

I am just not in a good space now!!