My husband had a one night stand and then an "emotional" affair, some kissing and holding but no "sex" with another woman. It will be 4 years since I found out on September 6, 2007 (first confession) Then September 12, 2007(second and final confession). The 6th we were coming back from court because of bankruptcy, my fault primarily, and we got home and he broke down and told me about the one night stand. I was in shock! We've been together since we were 15 years old! We have a 22 year old daughter.

This was the one thing he had said he'd never do. We are Christians, and for the biggest reason he said I could never go against the Lord and our vows before him. He also knew that I grew up in a household where affairs had by my mother were in my sister and my face. This was the ultimate betrayal by my husband, he knew about my past and I always said do anything else, just NOT that. He promised.

The reason he gave me about the one night stand was that he was so hurt and angry with me because of the bankruptcy....not our first one.....He wasn't thinking until he came home and realized what he had done. He was ashamed.

After this revelation, we cried and held each other. He thought I would leave him, and to be honest if we had the money, I probably would have, but we also had our daughter in the house. I wanted to protect her life and what she had known up to that point. September 10 was her 19th birthday and I hadn't told anyone, so I had family there and act like things were perfect. Not easy!

September 12th came around and we were laying in bed and I had a feeling there was more.....I was right! The "emotional" affair came to light. This sounds weird, but that hurt more than the one night stand. He met her at a Spanish church that he was involved in and I wasn't, because I don't speak Spanish. Perfect set up. She asked if he could teach her to drive and that's where it began. He talked to her on the phone, went to her house...she was the perfect woman for him. She was Spanish and told him she would take care of him and she loved him. He said he didn't love her and she was angry.

I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia so I'm in bed and in pain a lot. He said she listened to him. Where as, in our house it was a lot about me and my pain. Also, A LOT of family drama I got sucked into on my side. I was consumed with other things....I thought our marriage was safe. He honestly, was the last man on earth I thought would make these choices. And choices they were. This didn't "happen" to our marriage, just like the bankruptcies didn't just "happen". We made choices and we had to find a way to redeem ourselves and reevaluate our marriage.

This was so difficult! I am a question and answer person. I wanted to know EVERYTHING!!! It was so hard for him, but he knew what had to be done. He answered EVERY question, he was an open book. Cell phone, where he went, who he was with, absolutely NO where were you time. I think this was harder for me than him because I wasn't "that" wife. We read couple's devotionals nightly, went to another church together....he quit the Spanish church all together. Cut all ties with the other woman. We won't even drive by the street she lives on and if he has to work close he calls and tells me.

So, almost 4 years later, I am a basket case. I still feel broken. I'm on medication for anxiety and depression. It's been such a hard time in our lives.
So, my question.....when does the hurt go away and when do you stop seeing "those dates" as significant?


*EDITED TO BREAK UP INTO PARAGRAPHS FOR EASIER READING. WELCOME TO MARRIAGE BUILDERS, LOVE8898.*

Welcome to MB, love8898.

Tell us about driving "by the street she lives on". How close does she live to you? Did you know that Dr Harley insists that you move away - to another state if necessary - if the other person lies nearby? By the sound of it, she works nearby as well, or she works near to where your H works.

This proximity is doing your mental health no good at all. I suspect that most of your anxiety and depression is caused by it and I believe that moving house and job, or both, would be the first step towards genuine recovery.

Thanks SugarCane! I appreciate your comments so much! We actually are moving to another city next year, but she doesn't live here anymore....thank GOD!!! She was not from the US.It's so difficult because we have family, friends and my husband's job in this town. We've both lived here since we were 7 years old. We love each other very much and are committed to our marriage and family. She didn't work. She lived in an apartment complex. I don't know what she looked like, but I always thought if I saw her I would know.