Hi I am new to the forum, i am female, 32 and married and have one child. My husband stays very busy with his job and studies, i started chatting on online just to kill some time and have fun, mostly chatting on the main forum with everyone, no p2ps, this one guy grabbed my attention, i needed some program relating to Cad and he offered and gave him my msn id and we started chatting as friend, he does not know anything about my personal life, i am living a lie, he is much younger then I am, but very mature for his age, long distance too, meaning not in states. i love talking to him, but i need to stop since i am drifting away emotionally from my husband. I am constantly thinking about this other guy and the attention he gives me. I love my husband very much and my son. how do i stop? worst thing is the guy called today and we talked for few mins and i was kinda feeling really bad. i should not have given my number.How do i stop myself from being so immature?my husband is away for two weeks on a course!Help!!what do i do!?!i feel so lonely all the time!

Well...you just stop.

Welcome to MB, universe.

I am sorry to say this but you sound immature for your age. You seem to like the idea that you are caught up in an exciting situation over which you have no control, when the reality is that you are married and a mother, and you are behaving very cheaply. The man who chats to you about personal things is trying to get you to have sex with him - either online or in person. He doesn't respect you and he doesn't care about your loneliness - he is only using your vulnerability to get his sexual thrills. He doesn't want you or your son in his real life and he would run like the wind if you made any demands of him.

You should click the "notify" button and ask for this thread to be moved to the forum Surviving an Affair. You will get many practical suggestions there for regaining your self-respect and rebuilding your marriage.

Sugar cane u are right about being immature part but i am not cheap. The guy i chat with is just a friend. We don't have any perverted talk. In fact he is really decent and never says anything vulgar. We discuss different topics, global events etc. He is only 24, very young and i have not told him about myself much. He just likes me and I like him as friend, he is having some feelings for me..but does not say it openly. I am living an illusion and need to quit. I am reliving what I and my husband used to have, lots of conversations and undivided attention. I just need to stop before it heads into the wrong direction. its been only a month.

There is no better way to get you to stop than by telling your husband what you have been/are doing thereby taking away the secrecy of it and thus a big part of the excitement of it and making you accountable. Your husband deserves to know the truth about his life so he can do something about it.'

Mr. Wondering

Universe,

Both you and your husband are in the habit of living independent lives. If you want to have a good marriage, both of you need to set boundries so that other people cannot invade your marriage. Right now, neither of you is transparent. Your H had at least an EA last summer and you are involved in one right now. Tell your husband what you have been doing. He needs to do the same.

AM

Welcome, universe.
This is one of the more famous lines used by people involved in an affair, do you know that? I know you feel that it is true, but it is not. This guy is not a friend. He is your EA partner.

You are in a good spot, for being in a bad spot. You can stop this before it completely explodes in your face and you lose your husband and child.

First things first:

Email BoyToy and tell him the truth about your life. Let him know that you will not be in contact with him again. Then get rid of that email account.

Change your phone number.

Go to your H and tell him what you have done and how wrong you realize it is. Tell him about this site and that you're reading here and learning how to maintain a passionate, affair-proof marriage that will eliminate any possibility of a third party. He is not responsible for your actions, but he is equally as responsible as your for the state of your marriage. Encourage him to read here as well.

I read your first thread on MB ....


Apparently, you have not taken the time to avail yourself of the many FREE recourses available on this site.
If you had, you'd know that most affairs of the heart begin when YOU allow someone other than your spouse to meet your need for INTIMATE CONVERSATION. (includes written conversation)

Please watch the FREE VIDEO which is found as a "sticky" thread (the first thread on this forum).

You need to stop all conversation with this man.
Immediately.
"I am married and have a family. I cannot/will not have any further contact with you. Good-bye."

You may ask "How do I stop?"

You stop by not giving yourself permission to have your intimate conversation needs met by anyone but your husband.

Tell you H what's been happening.

"It's been only a month."
It may not take much longer for you to be in territory you don't want to be in. Do what you can right now during this two weeks to just completely stay off the computer. Can you call your H during this time? Just in case you can't find the time to read all the wonderful information on this site, just know that every single "innocuous" sentence you and this guy send gets you closer to falling in love with him, and you don't know when that will happen. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you'll be able to hold it to the friend stage. If you "fall in love" with this guy, it will all get harder.
Take the advice the other posters have given you.

Sugar cane u are right about being immature part but i am not cheap. The guy i chat with is just a friend. We don't have any perverted talk. In fact he is really decent and never says anything vulgar. We discuss different topics, global events etc. He is only 24, very young and i have not told him about myself much. He just likes me and I like him as friend, he is having some feelings for me..but does not say it openly. I am living an illusion and need to quit. I am reliving what I and my husband used to have, lots of conversations and undivided attention. I just need to stop before it heads into the wrong direction. its been only a month.

Lying to us is bad enough. Lying to yourself is simply pathetic. Your contradictions just fly off the screen at us out here:

• being immature part but i am not cheap....I am reliving what I and my husband used to have
  
• he is having some feelings for me....The guy i chat with is just a friend.

You are a "drama-junkie", my friend. You can stop this entire little e-romance with one action.

Assemble the records of all your little "not-love-just-friends" notes into one file, and give it to your poor husband. Ask him if he's okay with it. Hey, he might just agree with you about this mostly mythical "innocence" you maintain has governed your actions. In that case, you'll have permission to continue. If he objects (and I'm betting he will) you'll then have the impetus you'll need to stop your emotional affair with this man-child, and invest your emotional energy into your marriage, where it belongs.

Okay, you have a simple action-plan here. I'll sit back and await all the specious reasons why it won't work, and you won't try it. Go ahead.

You stop it. You are not a child who has no control over her feelings. You stop being so immature by making mature decisions. You are not a teenage girl anymore.

Honestly, some days I am embarrassed to be a woman when we have so many childish, immature women on this forum. My male coworkers once told me that the difference between men and women, in their view, is that women take accountability for nothing. I read threads like this and I can't disagree with them.

Thankfully, we also have a WEALTH of strong, accountable, SMART women here who make me proud. I am proud to count them as my friends and feel blessed to know them.

hmmm! geez! talk about making someone feel guilty! army mama.. u are right last year my husband was having some kind of gig at work..he started it..not fully blown affair but some attention seeking thing.. i made lot of noise..so everything stopped.. we were going to have another child but he refused, his reasoning being we are not settled yet.. new town, too much work and all the crap that goes with it.. it made me really depressed. i tried talking to him. My son is eight now and we were planning since he was six.. my husband wants me to work and focus on career. I have told him that i like being stay at home mom and taking care of our son.. volunteering at school etc. that issue never got resolved and he does not think its important. we were arguing all the time. This chat thing was my escape from so much mental drainage and truly all the fights stopped which i know is not the solution to issues we have on hand.
if i would not feel wrong about it.. I would not have been here seeking help. There is nothing going on..i have not fallen for this guy who is eight years younger then i am. i love my husband very much and i was trying to get his attention by doing this non sense..make him jealous etc..told him about chatting online.. he did not mind.. either he has blind trust on me or he does not care! i deleted the account today. I want to do the right thing. i blocked his number on phone. So its over as of today..butttttt i am depressed. My husband is away on course for two weeks and i call my hubby and talk to him. The problem is he never makes any efforts to call or ask about me or our son. My family's in other state and I am all alone right now. He never admitted to his little EA or whatever it was. How do i talk to him about this thing and when should i talk to him about this? is it even worth it to let him know when there was nothing really going on, there was no emotional attachments, i just distracted myself so i would not fight with my husband all the time. I will say it again, there was no sweet talk involved, since its against my beliefs. Depressed!:(

Sleeping with a 24 year old man who was not her husband was also "against the beliefs" of my 32 year-old wife. Because she decided to challenge the line, because she believed that she would "never do that" she put herself into the position that it happened.

That can never be taken back, universe.

You have the power to put a stop to it NOW, and to never again socialize with men in any kind of private manner. To never foster "friendships" with men.

That choice is yours and yours alone to make, but the consequences of that choice being the wrong one will be paid by your husband, family, and children.

hold her hand! wow! thats pretty sad! nah i am not going there!i blocked him on my phone and got rid of the msn account and don't go on the chatting website anymore!.. my question now was how to talk to my husband about this? or should i just drop it and don't say anything! since nothinggggg happeneddddddd!! seriously!! it was just a chat only chat and clean chat.

You are minimalizing this at your own risk. Let your H know how quickly you fell into this threatening situation with BoyToy. He needs to know what he is up against.

Assemble the records of all your little "not-love-just-friends" notes into one file, and give it to your poor husband. Ask him if he's okay with it.

This is NOT the same as:

told him about chatting online.. he did not mind.

Okay, that said, you are making some progress:

I have told him that i like being stay at home mom and taking care of our son.....volunteering at school etc....This chat thing was my escape....i was trying to get his attention by doing this nonsense..make him jealous etc..

Understanding the ulterior motives for your own actions is GOOD!

i deleted the account today. I want to do the right thing. i blocked his number on phone. So its over as of today..

Taking positive action to end the behavior is VERY GOOD!

NOW you can start learning about the MB Principles to build and maintain a strong and loving marriage. They're all on this site. Start reading. Down load both EN questionnaires. When hubby gets home, do them and share the results. Stong unions don't just happen. Both spouses have to WORK at it. You seem to project your belief that your husband will not be interested in working at it. Try him.

It begins with confessing everything to your husband, and putting in to place things that protect your marriage from intrusion.

You would have went there. Trust the many voices of experience here. Count your blessings that you put a stop to it BEFORE either of you confessed feelings, BEFORE you started planning closing that distance.

I would have went there a long time ago if I did not have boundaries in place.

The first damn thing you need to realize is; you WILL go there.

No more online chatting, no social networking. No phone calls or texts with any man who is not your father, your husband, or your sibling.

Confess fully to your husband the folly you were headed towards. Confess to your family (because the watchful eye of your family will protect your marriage).

These are the first steps.

After I posted my last note, I remembered a female poster who was as sure her husband would reject (or "deflect") the MB principles, as you appear to believe your husband might be. Here is her thread:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2493802&page=all

It's a pretty fantastic turn-around, wouldn't you agree?

You say it was only an innocent chat, yet look at the title for the thread you picked. "emotional cheating". I think that deep down you knew that even the "innocent" talk was giving this person something that didn't belong to him. If not, then there would be no problem, right?

Seriously, the slippery slope cannot be underestimated. Affairs happen QUICKLY, and you have no idea what the guy's impression on the other end of the phone/keyboard is.

A good marriage requires 1million percent openness and honesty. he deserves to know. Let him decide how serious it is.

CV

U, This is nothing but an emotional affair and nothing less. In your very first post you realized it was draining your emotions towards your Husband. You see all affairs start as "Just Friends" and "Just Talking" and we let our needs get met by someone besides our spouses.
I suggest as the others have that you be open and honest for life with your H. If you told him you were chatting and didnt tell him its was putting an emotional distance between you too then he is not informed. And he cant make rational decisions based on half truths.
At least you caught it in time. But if your M isnt pointed in the right direction NOW then its all going to come crashing down around your head. HARD! By "Just a Friend" and "Just Chatting".