You didn't stay? You left? When was the mother of the children due home?

indie, I'm going to make a statement that I hope will be vetted one way or another by my fellow posters: MARRIED MEN DO NOT BABYSIT.

They especially don't babysit if they do not want kids of their own. He sounded pretty adamant about that in one of your previous posts.

Learning curve for what? He doesn't want kids.

Why do you think he was uncomfortable that you dropped by and asked you 5 times if you were ok?? Why did you leave??

I would ask your friends what time she left the party and compare to when he arrived home.

It makes no difference if she is your friend. Read my sig.

indiegirl, there are red flags all over here.

Why would I stay? For what purpose?

She was due home in a few hours. I didn't stay because I want to be wanted, want him to be keen to see me, want to be invited into his evenings. I know he is wary of me, he tells me he is waiting for the 'next outburst' and that is because I have done it periodically every few months for years. But im really tired of protesting my innocence, saying that Im done with that.

He was texting me after I left, telling me a good film we both like was on TV and we were texting comments about it to each other. I find it pretty sad that passes for interaction between us now. He told me when he was coming home, he came home earlier than expected. He was nice and affectionate. Then he went asleep on the couch, which I hate.

I just dont know.

Indiegirl, the only way he can know that you are done with outbursts is if he spends time with you and there are no outbursts. The longer you go not spending time together the longer it is going to take him to realize that you are not having outbursts anymore.

Why would I stay? For what purpose?

She was due home in a few hours. I didn't stay because I want to be wanted, want him to be keen to see me, want to be invited into his evenings. I know he is wary of me, he tells me he is waiting for the 'next outburst' and that is because I have done it periodically every few months for years. But im really tired of protesting my innocence, saying that Im done with that.

He was texting me after I left, telling me a good film we both like was on TV and we were texting comments about it to each other. I find it pretty sad that passes for interaction between us now. He told me when he was coming home, he came home earlier than expected. He was nice and affectionate. Then he went asleep on the couch, which I hate.

I just dont know.

I know!! so do I push the issue?

Do I demand?

In re to Pokerface - For years he did want kids though and was very vocal about names and numbers of kids. This is why it was such a shock. When I pinned him on it, and said 'do you definitely not want kids', he said he was unsure, so wants me to be prepared for the fact he may never feel enthusiastic.

He loves kids and is great with them but he thinks he wouldnt be any good as a dad. Therefore my advice was 'practice'. He has babysat in the past, he always has been someone who would, just there isnt often the need. Babysitting for this particular friend is like a bi-annual event too, its not a weekly thing. Shed rather ask parents or sister. Plus she has me and a nother male firend to ask so its not like my H is there constantly

People on facebook posting they are home after the party, the times do tally.

I dont think it does make a difference that she is my friend, lots of friends cheat on each other, this happened to my sister. I just dont think it is happening here.

We have all known each other since we were teenagers. They had plenty of time to date when they were both single, if they had any attraction to each other. They dont. Theyre like brother and sister. Before I was involved with my H, I knew who fancied who and who felt platonically. Not saying its impossible,just cant get on board with the idea

It doesn't sound like you had to push the issue, he wasn't telling you to leave, was he? You could have just stayed and tried to be an enjoyable companion.

I kind of feel like he is testing me some times? Like the asking me if Im ok is really his way of saying 'Can I really do something you dont like without you getting mad? Really?'

Just to spend some time with him. Show him how much fun you two can have. Rebuilding the love. This was a great opportunity.

It's a DJ to read into how he is feeling. It is better to ask him about it.

You could have said, "You have asked me if I am okay a few times now. I am. Is there something else you are concerned about that you aren't saying?"

I said: "You seem worried, are you?"

He said: "Nothing doesn't matter"

"You sure? YOu can tell me anything, I wont get mad"

"No"

Good, then I would have left it at that and tried to have a fun time with him. Stop walking on eggshells. The more good times you have together the better your relationship will get. Consider every enjoyable hour you spend together as a step closer to a happy marriage.

I know it is walking on egg shells. The alternative though is me going 'we ARE spending the evening together', and while it wouldnt be a disaster, they arent 'enjoyable hours' those evenings are usually pretty flat - those are the drive straight home evenings.

Am I just being impatient and giving up?

OR is it better patience to wait for some enthusiasm from him...

An ok evening is better than not spending time together. Even during a flat evening, you are likely to share a laugh, kiss, or touch. A few love bank deposits are better than none. It seems like you want an amazing evening or nothing, but you are going to have to build up to it. And, if you avoid spending time together, you are guaranteed to not have an amazing evening.

hmmm. I agree if I get a laugh, kiss or touch then it is totally worthwhile. When I say 'not a disaster' I mean sulkiness on his part that doesnt turn into an outright row. He cant bear being railroaded into things even slightly. When I turned up at the friends house I was half meaning to stay but instinctually it just didnt feel like it was going to go anywhere. I could totally be wrong though. The 'drive straight home' nights have got the odd laugh kiss and touch, but those are things we both went to, with mutual agreement (even if after lots of perseverent requests from myself)I dont think me showing up uninvited and being told he doesnt want company has as much chance for success. I might have been able to turn it around, but I guess ill never know now. I was afraid of doing damage, that being there was demanding. I felt the texts and affection when he came home where his thanks for not doing that.

Christ im making up this nonsense as I go along, arent I?

What is the opinion on this tactic? Tomorrow I say to him: "What would you have thought if I had stayed with you last night? Would you have liked it?"

Indie,

I am not a vet here but FWIW, maybe something like ... I really wanted to stay and spend time with you last night because I miss you. That's why I dropped by...

Yeah, I think thats about the right tone. Will try that later when he gets in..