Yep - once you get those mutual friends. I type slow...:)

LC,

Here is a good link to grow a fake FB. All for 5 dollars and it works! I know others that have used it.

http://fiverr.com/gigs/search?query=facebook+friends

Do you know of any interests that OW has...celebrities, jewerly etc. Look on her info page to see if she lists any sites. Join them so it looks like a common interest.

The OW who are as paranoid as the waywards will smell out a "fake FB". Take timeto get it together. Post songs, have people post to you (give us your FB account and we will join in)

Go to pipl.com or peekyou.com and put her name or email in. You might hit on some of her friends. Ask those friends to be your friends. Put an age appropriate picture as your profile (20s age). Also put your H name in these site too to see what you might discover and it is all free.

As far as your H is in hiding..You need to do the same. No indications that you are snooping. Put on your award winning smile and try to be in a relaxed state. That is when they make mistakes.

I do think you should hire a PI for a few days. Think if gifts or emails are being exchanged then there is contact no matter how much you think he is not seeing her.

Good luck.

Wow this is overwelming. I tried the business thing, and I got to their pages, but all I could figure out how to do is "like" this. Now that is a commom interest on my page. I don't know how to "friend" the businesses. So then I went back to OW's page, and I couldn't see any more than I could before. The reason I ask about having friends is because I know when my daughter becomes friends with someone, if they don't have friends or look fake, she will "unfriend" them immediately. I already googled her, and that is actually how I got all her parent's information which is critical. I couldn't find anything about her. I will try the bing thing and peekyou. Thanks for the tips. Oh can you give me a game, so that I can friend people. You can tell I an not much of a facebook user. I will give you my account then, but I was trying to find people in their 20's as she is very young.

LC,

Yes, don't get the "like" thing confused with an actual page set up like a person. 2 different things. Oh, I know, BTW. I HATE FB!! Forget the "pages".

Keep on the Google and BING. You'll find her name as a F of F. It's so simple, yet hard to explain!

Example: in my town there is a small bar that set up a FB account just like you did. Not a page, but a regualr account. You'll find those later.

Keep googling and using bing to find her FB friends. I know it seems overwhelming. It's not...once you get the hang of it. I promise. Let's say her name is Jane Doe in Maine. Google "Jane Doe Maine" and look for other people...not her.

Argh. I could do this in 30 mins on the phone.

Karmarose's suggestion will be very helpful later. Right now your goal is to find "Friends of OW Friends", not her. You are not looking to access HER page, but just to find people that she has "Friended". (ugh) I know. Sounds very 7th grade.

Well i really don't get how I know if they are friends of hers on bing if I am just looking for her. I am trying to find out her friends. Should I take the "i like stuff" off the businesses. How do you actually friend them? I thought shge would see we have something in common. Can anyone suggest a facebook game that I can get involved in and make friends? pipl did give me her facebook page, but I already knew that. Just had no access.

If you google HER name exactly as she has it, google or bing often will show a link to someone SHE is friends with. Try it? Karma can come in with the games as I'm not too cozy with them. Farmville is a big one though. Picture if you google John Doe looking for Jane Doe. John will come up as the link to HIS FB page. Click on it as it'll take you to HIS friends list. There you will find Jane Doe as one of his "friends". Now you have one contact of OW that is now John Doe. Then look at HIS friends list for more connections to OW and start clicking around.

I'm probably explaining horribly. I'm sorry.

Try it...google her name exactly as she has it on FB. Click on ANYTHING related.

Surfer did pretty good explaining.

On your fake profile, start playing one of the games. Mafia Wars is very popular and you should have success with it. Use Facebook search and search for "Mafia Wars Add". A bunch of pages will come up, choose one and start friending the people who post on that page for friends.

Make sure your fake profile looks real. Find some pictures, I found mine from a dead blog. If you use stock images, make sure you find several. Make your hometown a town far away and your current town the town next to hers, post random posts, give yourself kids around the ages of hers if she has any, etc. Make your fake life similars to hers.

Google the OW's name like this: "OW NAME" +facebook.

What will come up is her friends like this:
OW FRIEND | Facebook

Click each one until you find one where you can view that person's friends. If that person has more than 300 friends, send them a friend request.

After you have a mutual friend or two, see if you can see her profile (some people use the friends of friends privacy setting).

After you have 3 or more mutual, try to friend her. It should be accepted by her unless she's paranoid. If she questions it, just make something up, you're new in town looking for friends, you saw she liked "business or restaurant page", something like that.

I had to actually start dialog with the OW in my case. It was super easy. All I did was "like" the city's page, then I would get invitations to city events and I would just post stuff like "Anyone else gonna be there?".

If it all works (it will unless she's paranoid) you should have full access within a week.

I'll be happy to friend you, if you'd like.

Always happy to help a BS around here.

Tickytock and karmarose...yessss.

Freakin' awesome, Ticky and Karma.

I'll be friends also, fake profile to fake profile LOL I can't post the email or name to mine because I directed the OW to the site to make her relationship with WH work (I don't want him back muahaha). She may not be smart enough to find the link to the forum, but better safe than sorry.

Another thing I forgot to mention. Do not friend any people that are in your life, all except her.

The OW in my case had quite a few mutual (real life) friends with me and I avoided every single one of them.

Hi everyone. I have not been back for awhile, and I wanted to update you all on my situation and ask a question. How do you know when you are really in recovery? Let me update you first.

When I found out for the third time in early June that there was still contact (EA) with OW I finally took some action. My exposure list was very limited on OW's side as I only had the names and addresses for her parents and her brother. The day before I presented a letter to my WH, I sent out a very detailed letter to both OW's parents and brother explaining everything. (remember she is only 25) I could not find out anything about a boyfriend she claimed to have or his name, and I was never able to infiltrate her facebook page. I wanted to send the letters out a day prior so they would receive them before my husband got his, and warned her.

Upon returning home the next day, I had a letter waiting for my husband explaining that I would no longer put up with this and continue being a doormat. If he did not make the choice to end the relationship right then and make his marriage work, then he needed to leave. I made sure to tell him that I still loved him, and that if he wanted to make the marriage work after the affair was over, I would be there. He was in total shock, because he had no idea that I suspected anything.

It was a very rough night after he received that letter. I was not home for awhile, because I thought it would be better if I wasn't. I didn't want it to end up being a huge love buster night. He left the house and returned home very late that night, and I thought he may have driven the 60 miles to go see this skank, but the milage on the car didn't allow for that. My GPS was broken at the time (bad timing), but his story seems to check out that he went to a bar and had dinner, and then went to buy toiletries in case he decided not to return home. He did return home, and I spoke to him the next day at work to ask him if he was coming home. He told me yes. When he was home I explained that he needed to account for all the money that he had taken out from the ATM the night before. (I checked online) He told me it was at work, and I made him drive me in to his work to get it. He agreed, and as we approached work, I planned to go in with him to finally make a surprise visit to his office where I have always suspected a pre paid phone was, but he always denied it. When we got there, and I went to go in with him, he stopped me and told me I was not going in. I told him I absolutely was, and he refused to let me. We had an argument all the way home where I vented and I in so many words told him we were through.

When we returned home, I continued to rant about everything I had always wanted to say to him but hadn't. (mostly bad, but some good) There seemed to be a point where his body language changed and he looked like he was really listening for the first time. The rest of the night we laid in bed touching but mostly silent.

The next morning I told him if he was coming home that day it would have to be with the phone in hand that he finally admitted to and all the money. He agreed, and he did just that.

Since that day, things have been very different. His demeanor has totally changed,(fog has lifted?) and he seems much more like the husband I previously had...only better. He says there is NC and I am optimistic that this is true. I don't know if she finally gave him the boot after exposure, or if he finally had an ephiphany, but I don't really care.

I am not so stupid, however, not to still have my times of doubt, as I have been in false recovery before and am now paranoid from time to time, but I do see a major changes this time. I continue to snoop...GPS, VAR, and checking the cash on hand to make sure his daily money is accounted for. I hate this, but I don't think I will feel totally safe for quite some time if ever.

Here are the good signs and changes, and then I would like opinions on whether we should be doing more and if you think we are on the road to recovery.

Recently for our 32nd wedding anniversary, I gave him back his wedding band which he hadn't worn in years. I knew this could be a real sign if we had a chance because he refused to wear it prior to this. He accepted it, and even went with me to have it re-sized. He wears it proudly and in public.

We spend plenty of UA time and meeting each other's needs.

He is showing me so much affection now that I had been practically begging for. (my #1 need)

We are back in the same bedroom, and I am meeting his #1 need of SF.

He forwards me all emails about meetings, so I know they are legitimate.

He makes copies of his schedule so that I know his days off and hours.

All his time is accounted for.

GPS finds nothing unusual.

He comes right home from work now.

He does not keep his phone secret which has his work emails in as well.

Pay stubs come home, and every penny is accounted for.

Best of all, he seems much more genuinally sorry and humble. He seems very happy.

We spend hours of recreation time together, and even dance to music alone in the dark sometimes before bed.

My only problem is that I continue to have these nagging doubts, and I can't shake that. I expect it to take time to trust again, but sometimes I can almost be in panic mode. Hopefully that will diminish in time as I find nothing to worry about. Meanwhile, I continue to snoop. I will never be 100% positive of NC because he could still have an email I don't know about or another pre paid phone. I just have to live with that I guess.

To all the vets...do you think we are really in recovery now? I would really appreciate your input as I don't ever want to be in another false recovery again. Thanks!

Oh one more thing...strangely just weeks after the letters, I see that the OW has changed her name on facebook to a hiphanated name as if she is married now. I ask my husband if she was married and he said no. I told him what I saw, and he seemed shocked, but not very affected by it...as if he didn't care.

Sounds like everything is proceeding as well as possible to me.

Good work on calling him on the money and the phone and taking a stand for "my way or the highway". That approach can be effective, especially for wayward husbands.

Keep in mind that actual recovery takes a minimum of two years. Sounds like you are off to a good start, but it is just a start.

What to do now? Don't slide on meeting each other's EN's. The 15-20 hours of UA is critical, and it's also the easiest to let slide. Be each other's partners for recreational companionship, also.

And, don't be guilty for continuing to snoop. It's actually quite critical, and the only way to restore trust is by confirming it through snooping.

One critique, why are you visiting OW's facebook? NC should apply to you, too. Then you bring her up to your husband? Like you want to see if there's a reaction to her possible marriage? Bad idea, almost like you made the contact for him.

IMO, I don't think it's a bad idea to creep on her FB page for purposes of verifying NC, but I absolutely wouldn't bring her up to WH.

Other than that, things sound good. Keep snooping to confirm your safety.

Thanks schtoop and MB...yes, I realized after I brought that to his attention that is was the wrong thing to do. It was more for my own curiosity about what he knew about her. Hopefully what I said about it not affecting him is true. That brings up a point...should the affair or the OW be off limits as far as conversation even if I feel I need to know the truth. I have had constant trickle truth for 9 months. I have made many mistakes along the way I admit. It has been a long 9 months, and I feel like I have just begun.

Oh by the way, I get onto her facebook page purely for my own curiosity. Her page is still private to me, so I can't see much but her name and contant picture changes. Also everytime I do a search for my daughters name, she comes up first. I don't know how to change that now. I could never tell if he was contacting her via facebook or not. He says he doesn't have an account, and I have to believe that. He knows how unprivate facebook is anyway and I highly doubt it that he would ever post on her wall for all to see.

You should have the complete truth. Once you have the whole truth and are satisfied with your H's disclosures, stop talking about it and keep going forward. If you feel you don't have the full truth you will be perpetually questioning.

Why do you feel he has not been completely honest with you?

Just because he has not been forthcoming in the past, and he has been very reluctant to tell me everything up until this point. It had to come out as I found out on my own. To be honest though,I have not even pushed the subject for anymore details since I gave him this final letter. He may tell me now I don't know, but I'm not even sure whether I care anymore to know every deatil. I just wondered in the event that I wanted to question him anymore on anything whether it was a good idea or not. Maybe I will just let well enough alone now.