I just found this site (my wife just admitted to a year long emotional affair) and it has been extremely helpful I just did full exposure to his friends and family on Facebook. I am still debating on the work exposure however.

Anyway, when wrestling with the decision to disclose to his friends and family I ran across a passage that helped me know this was the correct thing to do. I'm not trying to pass Biblical writings on to this group but for me it was very telling. From Proverbs 6:32:

But a man who commits adultery has no sense; whoever does so destroys himself.
33 Blows and disgrace are his lot,
and his shame will never be wiped away.

34 For jealousy arouses a husband�s fury,
and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge.
35 He will not accept any compensation;
he will refuse a bribe, however great it is.

I am still searching for answers regarding this affair, it is so hard...

Welcome to MB, BX.

I think you will ever find "answers" to the affair. If the question is "why did she do it?" no answer will ever be satisfactory. Dr Harley has seen so many affairs carried put by people with every conceivable variety of convictions that he believes that we are all wired for them. We are all capable of cheating under the right circumstances. Those that do not cheat stay faithful because they maintain barriers against friendships and close interactions with the opposite sex. Your wife did not do that.

What makes you think that an affair of a year long was emotional only? Is this what your wife told you? I am sorry to say that there is very little possibility that this is true. An other man (OM) would not have stayed involved with her for conversation and flattery only. It is almost a certainty that they had sex to some degree. You need to find out about that, because you need to be protected from the possibility of a sexually transmitted infections, and you need not to be lied to and gaslighted. until your wife tells you the full truth about the affair, you cannot consider yourself to be in recovery.

How did you find out about the affair? What have you been told about it? Where and how was it conducted - lunches together? Emails?

It seems that the affair partners work together. Well, another thing you should realise is that the affair will not end until that situation is changed. One of them needs to leave the job, and until that happens, they are in daily contact and are getting and receiving some degree of emotional satisfaction. Indeed, it is entirely possible that they are having physical interactions in the workplace, as they always did. You are sorely misguided to believe that the affair is over simply because you have discovered it. Please read this article in which Dr Harley describes the need for absolute no contact (NC) for life.

Is OM married? Did you expose to his wife? Have you had any response yet? Facebook exposure is often the only way to reach family members, but for a spouse, it is much better to contact her personally, by phone or face-to-face. If you know OM's name, you can find out where they live and knock on her door. You MUST ensure that she has personally received your message. Her knowledge of this is the best guarantee you can have that the job situation will change and the affair will not be allowed to continue. Additionally, OMW might find out things that you have not discovered - such as that the affair was sexual.

You need to expose at the workplace right away. Is one of them in a supervisory position over the other? Have you told your wife to give up her job?

How long have you been married? How old are you both? Kids? Their ages?

Are you based in Europe? I'm in London.

Below you will find NeverGuessed's Betrayed Husband Survival Kit.

Some of this you've already (partially) done.

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put �Flexispy� on any cellphone that she might use.
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take �personal� calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and �on� whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.

WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,

9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife�s contacts, to the tune of: �I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333�
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM�s contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

Now for the bad news.

A woman who is in an Emotional Affair will not admit it.

A woman who admits to an Emotional Affair is in a Physical Affair, and is doing damage control.

Thanks for the quick reply SugarCane. A quick update. I already got a response from the OM saying I destroyed his life and i dint have to worry about him contacting my wife again I wrote back and asked if he saw the irony. He then wrote back and said he was sorry.

So, in a sense it worked. However, now my wife is EXTREMELY pis$Ed at me for what I did (she checked my cell and saw what I did). So if I "won" why do I feel like I just lost my wife (she said some very hurtful things)?

She is angry that you took her crack pipe away. I presume you exposed?

Just think of the OM as crack. And your WW as an addict. Addicts do not like it when you shine the light of day on them. Everyone would know and then they can't enjoy their crack in peace.

Just remember, your marriage can survive her anger but not an affair.

You've answered none of my questions.

It's frustrating when someone does that. I took a while making that post, and the questions were designed so that people here could give you advice on your next steps.

Sorry.
Married 6 years,
2 kids 4 and 2.
They work for the same company in different states so they saw each other at least 2 times per year.
I found out through her email. When confronted her she admitted it.
I exposed to everyone with same last name.

He texts me regularly today saying he us sorry and he is going to work on himself and his wide and family.

What now with my wife?

Have you exposed YOUR WIFE'S adultery to YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY? Her friends and family?

Proverbs 14:1 "A wise woman builds her house, a foolish woman tears hers down"

I am sorry you are here. But you are in the right place.

Dr H's concepts are not that far off biblical teaching's and I can find the word of god in most of his basic concepts. Dr H is also a man of great faith.

"do not break your promise to the wife you married when you were young, 'I Hate Divorce' says the Lord God of Israel". Malachi 2:15-16 I hope you find inspiration here to save your M.

Now on to the issue. Neverguessed gave you superior advice. I am getting that this is a work place Affair (A) so she or he will need to leave that job immediately. There is absolutely no way around it so that No Contact can be maintained as one of your first demands after the full outright EXPOSURE to everyone you know and at her workplace.

Know this one thing that is for sure. """I am still searching for answers regarding this affair, it is so hard...""" you have been unknowingly drug into a all out WAR for your M. The mercy of the lord is not for the adulterous. Nor shall you be merciful when you fight for your wife (nehemiah 4:14). You win wars with a PLAN. It is going to be hard and a roller coaster ride but you may come out of this the better person and with a better M. In short there is no answer to "WHY" The only thing you can do is to figure out "HOW" and demand a path that never leads to the "WHY" again.
So lets continue with some more words of wisdom "When offended, husbands should "act like men, be strong" 1 Corinthians 16:13

1) Expose this to all (complete nuclear exposure) Affairs are like vampires they live in darkness and die in the light (truth)
2) Demand No Contact for LIFE as a condition to remain in the M (leaving the workplace)
3) Demand a plan that will restore romantic love to your M (Marriage builders plan)
4) set up your snooping tools as advised above
5) Order Surviving an Affair and consume it and then act on it.

She will probably be very "foggy" so come here often so we can help you decode the babble you will get. Her fog will wear off if she maintains NC (No Contact) But it may take months. Dont expect allot of remorse or work from her during this time.
Figure out what this OM (Other Man) was doing for her in terms of "Emotional Needs" Start fulfilling those needs as best as you can and no love busting following plan A. Plan A is your starting point for YOU to be the better person. I would bet it was "Conversational needs and Admiration" as these are the most common start to most A's.
The single best advice I can give you is hire a marriage counselor that specializes in restoring a marriage after an affair. (the Harleys) Most MC's dont help they hurt so be very careful when choosing a MC if this is a path your looking at.
Dig in and suit up in that flack jacket. Its a WAR.

He is hoping you won't tell his wife. I would get to her TODAY and tell her about the affair. In addition, I would expose to your wifes close family members to get their support.


You realize this will have to change, right?

I called and told his wife last night. No response yet. The bad part is that she has had a boyfriend for a year. Their marriage appears to be over.

I have read surviving an affair, good read.

How could you have "called and told" her if there was "no response"? What did you call? Did you leave an exposure message on her answering machine?

I do hope not. You need to make direct contact with her and verify that you are speaking to her. if you leave a message somewhere for her, it can be intercepted by her WH who will keep it away from her. As MelodyLane says, he is trying to keep you away from her. Do not let this happen.

I'm sorry SugarCane. I'm doing this from my phone. It's difficult to see and everything at the same time. I value all of your opinions or I wouldn't be here.

Yes, I know the job situation needs to change.

Did you leave a message?? You'll need to call back until you get her physically on the phone. It is a simple matter for OM to delete the message. This is too passive, BX. Call her back until you actually get her on the phone.
Do you know OMW personally? Have you seen her out on dates with her 'boyfriend'? Or is this something one of the two liars told you? (Those liars being your WW and OM.)

He just sent me another text saying his parents just called him crying...heee heee

They (OM and his wife) live in a different state. I do not know either of them.

BX, Probably the best i have run across is from Hosea...


Hos 2:6-12 Therefore I will hedge up her way with thorns, and I will build a wall against her, so that she cannot find her paths. (7) She shall pursue her lovers but not overtake them, and she shall seek them but shall not find them. Then she shall say, 'I will go and return to my first husband, for it was better for me then than now.' (8) And she did not know that it was I who gave her the grain, the wine, and the oil, and who lavished on her silver and gold, which they used for Baal. (9) Therefore I will take back my grain in its time, and my wine in its season, and I will take away my wool and my flax, which were to cover her nakedness. (10) Now I will uncover her lewdness in the sight of her lovers, and no one shall rescue her out of my hand. (11) And I will put an end to all her mirth, her feasts, her new moons, her Sabbaths, and all her appointed feasts. (12) And I will lay waste her vines and her fig trees, of which she said, 'These are my wages, which my lovers have given me.' I will make them a forest, and the beasts of the field shall devour them.


Sorry you are here brother. Remember, exposure is one of those ways to "hedge her way with thorns" and build walls so she cannot find paths...

CV

Then how do you know she has a boyfriend?

I got a voice mail from his brother saying he was sorry about everything and wanted me to know he would help anyway he could. His brother said in the VM they all knew about her but not about him.

I still say the 'Hedge of Thorns' prayer daily, CV!

Thanks.