Hi Folks,<P>Well, I've decided to throw in the towel. Forgive me if this post is too long, I've got to get this off my chest. Here's what happened. <P>First the history. You know my W had an emotional/physical affair last summer. After tapping the phone, I got proof in September 98. We've been trying to fix things since then. Did the plan A, tried counselling, had a big fight (physical, police involved) in April. Plan B after that, and some more counselling. Moved back home in August 99. According to W the physical part of the affair ended with discovery (last year), since she stayed in-contact w/the OM until July/August 99, I'm not sure if the emotional part ever ended. W is also 4 months pregnant, and says its mine. <P>The last few months have been ok. We had lots of plans for the future. Bought a new truck, put down on a new house. Had some ups and downs, but mostly ups.<P>Now the tough part. Since the W has an in-home day care, she came up for re-certification around May. Based on the police records, the state is now revoking her license. Needless to say, she was very upset, and blames me for everything. When she got the phone call from the state on Monday, she left my daughter with a neighbor and took off for 5 hours. Claimed that she needed to blow off steam. I didn't even get upset. Well, yesterday she got the official letter. She said, this was all my fault and that I was out to ruin her. That this was because (she was screaming at me now) "I F****ED SOMEONE ELSE, AND FELL IN LOVE WITH THEM! AND YOU COULDN'T DEAL WITH IT."<P>I told her I've had enough. And that I wanted a divorce. <P>I know that many of you have been through much worse, but I don't see things getting better. Fundementally, my W has not taken any responsability for the affair she had, or the breakdown in our marriage. You see, its still "all my fault." If nothing else, I've learned that for the healing to actually begin, you have to accept what has happened. Please wish me luck, as I dismantel my life--again.

it sounds to me like she is the one who needs the good luck. before you do any dismanteling wait a little while, only because in your current state of mind you may not make the wisest decisions. waiting won't hurt, how much worse can it get? (that's a scary question, isn't it)

Hi Opt...<P>You tried brother. Life is way too short and precious to feel this way. Work on a new life, maybe your Wife will realize what she is missing and grow up. Especially after the child is born. I fyou stay with her you will lose your love for her. Work on your life, get strong, pick up the pieces and once your feet are firmly planted then you will be in a better position to control your world.<P>Don't feel like a failure. You tried, you fought a good fight. You can not make your Wife love you, you can make yourself into such a great person that anyone will love you. Your Wife will need to accept what her part and she will need to realize why she did what she did. It's not over, you will both share a child and maybe a life again.<P>Good Luck<BR>_____________________________________________<BR>"Better to die on your feet than live on your knees"

W called me at work this morning, wanting to know why I'm "acting this way." In her backasswards way she is trying to make up with me. Too afraid to say "I'm sorry", she uses that other method. You know it. Accuse, blame, condemn. <P>After about an hour on the phone, we cleared the air. She dosen't want me to leave. Said that I would have to stay since she has no job/pregnant/etc.. <P>I feel like maybe this situation could be cathartic. <P>The point of plan B is to make the betrayer hit rock bottom. This situation is causing that to happen. My W has cried in my presence, maybe twice. She cried today.<P>Don't get me wrong folks, I don't want her to hurt. I want us to heal.<P>toronto: Thanks. Unfortunatly, I think you've been here as long as I have.<grin><P><BR>

ps. she told me that she last heard from the OM in September. And she wonders why I feel this way. Go figure.

OPT, First, you need to be the rational one here. THat means: NO HITTING OF ANY KIND. If it gets that bad then leave the house. Getting mad is understandable. Hitting is crossing the line. Just as she need to held accountable for what she did, you also need to be held accountable for what you did. Be careful because it could happen again. <P>Some just take a little longer to come around. So you are going to have to wait her out. It looks like she is making some progress so be patient and be the bigger man.

I can't believe I ever hit her in the first place. I'm trained in the martial arts. But obviously not trained enough. That horrible night, I snapped. She had already bitten, punched and kicked me. Right before I hit her, she raised a coffee cup over her head and tried to hit me with it. Instinct made me block and punch. I regret it, but it happened. Since then if our arguements get to heated, I just leave.

Unfortunately, that would never hold up in court. In martial arts one of the first things they teach you is when not to hit.<BR>This is an extra-ordinary situation and it is going to require extra-ordinary patience.<BR>The srink I had warned me that sometimes people try to goad you into striking them in order to assuage some of their guilt. A little pain to trade for a lot of painful guilt. <BR>I'm glad you have a plan in place to leave when you get mad. Better yet, leave before you get mad. <BR>Take care. <BR>

This all seems to have gone down rather quickly to me. But if you feel comfortable with the decision, it's the right thing to do. Good luck.

During our phone conversation I finally had a chance to verbalize why I (we) have been stuck in a rut during our recovery. W says that she's been trying very hard to patch things up between us. And she has. Cut loose all her evil single friends, is home all the time. When she wants to go someplace, she invites me to go. Makes dinner, keeps the house beautiful. Stopped spending money hand over fist. <P>There are two things that have kept me from truly commiting to this marriage.<P>1. I was never sure of the paternity of the baby.<BR>2. All the unresolved questions about the lies, and the real state of the affair.<P>Today, finally, she gave me a chance to ask those questions. And I actually got a response that wasn't yelled at me. <P>Hasn't been physical with the OM since Sept 98.<BR>The baby is mine.<BR>She saw the OM just before Mothers Day.<BR>Hasn't talked to him since September.<BR>**He moved away and she dosen't know where he is.<BR>The OM offered to take her and my daughter away from me. She declined.<BR>The disappearing acts she used to pull on me the beginning of the year were really shopping trips. She didn't want me to know she was shopping.<BR>Next to my daughter and the baby, I'm the most important thing in the world to her. <P>Am I doing the right thing?