You know, I realized something odd this morning. I really believe that I have been healing for quite some time. In sorting out how I ended up in this marriage, I have identified a couple of things.

#1-I grew up in a very legalistic church
#2-My parents have a hard time standing up to people
#3-My dad was gone a lot.

I used to be plagued by horrible nightmares involving the church. I was afraid of EVERYTHING! I think that's one thing that I liked about my stbxh. He was so confident and honest about everything (at least it seemed that way). He showered me with attention. It felt good to be wanted and desired.

The first few years of our marriage, I tried to be more submissive. He physically abused me a few times in those early years until I finally put my foot down and told him that if he ever did that again, I would call the police. After that, the verbal abuse got worse. Eventually, I started to withdraw. I started to look inward to see what it was about our relationship that was wrong. Through all of that, I finally realized that the church I attended was legalistic. I learned about spiritual abuse. As I learned, I ended up leaving the church I grew up in. It was incredibly hard to do so b/c I was basically shunned by them. Something amazing happened when I got through with that process (it's been a little over three years now). I was no longer afraid. I knew that Jesus was all I needed, not the church, not a man, nothing, just Him. Something changed in me. My nightmares went away. My fear of the dark went away (except on a rare occasion). My fear of being alone went away. I could go on and on.

Something unexpected happened as a result of leaving the church too. I started seeing my marriage clearly for the first time. The parallels between spiritual abuse and the abuse in my marriage were uncanny. That was the first time I had the courage to label my marriage as abusive. As I became stronger and stronger emotionally, our marriage got worse. Ultimately, he ended up kicking me and our three children out. We eventually reconciled last year b/c of his "miraculous conversion". But I was different..

I am no longer willing to 'just take it' for me or my kids. A month ago, I finally read the book "Boundaries in Marriage". My plan was to try to implement their ideas and set some boundaries over the summer. If he didn't respond to that by the end of the summer, I'd start looking for a job and a place to live. What I discovered is that I had already started using boundaries three years ago. It was those boundaries that caused him to be unhappy with the marriage. The authors of the book say that if you put boundaries in place, the offending spouse will, most likely, decide to leave eventually, and that's what happened to me. I have searched my heart and soul and I know that my sin in all of this is my enabling behavior, which has largely stopped over the past three years. I have been the loving wife who thinks of him and his wants/needs.

So, what am I to do? Remove the boundaries so he'll come back and be happy? NO! He has been telling me for 13 years that he doesn't WANT to be healthy. The difference this time is that I am finally taking him at his word. Reality was there all along, I just choose to ignore it.

I can relate to a lot of that S.O. I want to come back later and talk a little more about it. I just wanted to pop in and see how you're doing today.

Hugs to you.

Well, the threats have started. He's threatening to cut off my financial support, sell the house, not come see the kids, etc........

He acts like he's the victim. Like he's been the perfect husband and I'm just doing this TO him.

I told him that I was just accepting who he is. He is who he is, and I cannot stay healthy and be married to him. Just a 5 minute phone conversation has me completely wrecked......

He says I have two weeks to get a job before he stops paying the bills. Oh, and if I want a divorce, I better come up with the money because he's not paying for it. =(

Call your local domestic abuse hotline. They can help you figure out all your legal options. He doesn't get to make all the decisions.

Just an update. He was bluffing. He gave me the money and I filed this morning. Lets hope he will sign the papers so that it will be uncontested. If he doesn't contest it, there is a 30 day waiting period and then it will be put on the court calendar to finalize.

Since my stbx and I have been married, this is the second time he's left me for another woman. The other times he was unfaithful, he didn't leave. Both times he has left me, he turned into the most horribly hateful creature.

The first time he left me for an OW, he did the same thing your husband did. He threatened to stop paying the bills in a few weeks, just like your stbx. I remember the terror I felt when he said that, and how cruel I thought he was. We still had minor children living with us.

He was just this horribly mean creature, and that creature has resurfaced again. It's like he directs ALL of his anger and resentment towards me. I am his target. But THIS time, he didn't threaten not to pay some of the bills, but he did stop paying for ALOT of them. I am barely making it, and having to do without while he has a few extra grand left over each month while he's living with his sister.

I wonder if the wayward's attorneys advise them to pay the household bills? The reason I wonder is because my stbx is still paying some of those bills, and I know he doesn't want to. Stbx wouldn't be doing this out of the goodness of his heart, and he has no guilt, so that's not it either.


Does anyone know?

Are those bills in his name only? He will be concerned about his credit.

It could also be the lawyer thing too.

Only the mortgage is in his name. The other bills like electricty, water, car insurance is not in his name. Even if they were, he could take his name off everything but the mortgage at this point.

My insurance agent told me that in my state, he can't remove me from his insurance until there is a court order. As far as the mortgage, my name is on the deed, but the loan is in his name. If it doesn't get paid, he'll have a hard time getting a different place.

My STBXH doesn't even have a lawyer. He thinks it's a waste of money.

I wonder if the wayward's attorneys advise them to pay the household bills?

Interesting bc mine is paying all the bills too... even after we went to court for separation he agreed to pay all bills, keep his check in the joint account, stop spending like an 21 year old (otherwise the judge would get involved), and I pay all the bills. So essentially, his check hits, I pay bills, get the cash out that I need, buy food and stuff for the boys, then send him a text this is what you have to spend for two weeks.

soughtout- his thoughts of an attorney being a waste of money might be a benefit for you.

And I have read the boundaries in a M book too... I began putting boundaries down too, which caused him to walk... I have struggled with this, but ultimately decided the place I was putting my fence is where it needed to be for me to not be hurt... he just didn't like it

Agreed. I have accepted the fact that my boundaries are there b/c he is abusive. As I got healthier, the more he resented my boundaries. I know that some women become angry and vengeful and call it boundaries, but I've searched my heart and soul and I truly do not believe that was my motivation.

Once I set my own boundaries, he got better towards me (although still abusive). BUT, it got worse for the kids. That's where I draw the line. I tried to put boundaries up with them too, but he would not listen. I've decided that it's my job to protect them from the name calling/and downgrading. They are helpless and have no defenses against it. If one parent won't see reason, the other has to step in and do the right thing.

I feel so much stronger this time. I don't miss him at all. The only time I feel anxious is when I'm thinking about trying to find a job, or my kids are disrespecting me (which I'm working on correcting with them).

The statistics say that women leave and come back to an abusive spouse numerous times before leaving for good. This is our second separation. There won't be a third. I refuse to put my kids through this kind of pain again!

No surprise, he didn't give me as much money as he originally said. He doesn't technically HAVE to b/c it wasn't in the divorce papers, but it would have been nice.

I did get a good paying temp job today though! Should start next week. Now I just have to get childcare lined out and make it until my first paycheck.

He signed the papers and they should have gotten filed yesterday afternoon. My lawyer says that all I have to do is wait for the 30 day waiting period to be up and it will go before the judge to be finalized.

I also went to my second divorce recovery class last night. I am very glad I did. It really is helping. Most of my friends and family don't know anything about what I'm going through. It's nice to talk to people, in person, who have come out on the other side already.

I have kept everything very businesslike when he's around. He uses put-downs and outright abusive comments when he sees me. I just tell myself that he's only confirming why I'm doing the right thing! He doesn't call the kids. He barely talks to them when he's here. He has not requested visitation at all. In fact, I asked him if he wanted to see them Sunday, since it's Father's Day, and he didn't know yet. I asked him to let me know by tomorrow night and he acted like that would be a huge inconvenience for him. He has never liked me to be firm like that. He wants to call all of the shots.

I think that the less I talk to him the better I feel. When he comes around, I get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. What's incredible is that I had an epiphany the last time he showed up. I realized that I have lived with that sick feeling for YEARS. It's really a wonder that I have survived as long as I have without a breakdown.

I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel and it's not an oncoming train!

It's not worth the damage to my emotions and physical body..

I found out this weekend that my instincts were NOT wrong. He did have an emotional (not sure about physical)affair while we were separated last year. He was also drinking again and hiding it from me. The whole time, I was agonizing thinking we were trying to work things out, this was happening......

Even though I'm glad I don't have to live with him anymore, the sting of betrayal is DEEP................................

S.O., I am so sorry. It doesn't matter when the betrayal was, it will sting. I am so sorry you have to go through this. How did you find out?

I heard what you said about getting that sinking feeling in your stomach when you talk to him, and that he talks down to you. Are you familiar with plan B?

A friend of her's told me(she happens to be a family member). Apparently, she didn't tell me b/c we were trying to work it out. =(

I've also had it confirmed by other sources that he's been seen with her a few times recently.

I've been trying my best to not talk to him at all. The few times I have was about the kids or bills only. He's been pretty hateful to me too, but I expected that.

After finding out about the OW, I've started having nightmares and flashbacks of the things he would say to me over the years. At the oddest times, I'll be doing something and I'll remember doing the same thing and what he would have said in that situation. The emotions come rushing back and I just feel sick all over again. I guess it's going to take awhile to process through all the junk.