Ive read so many posts detailing how hard it is to recover. I myself feel the same. My M is so much better than it ever was, my H tries very hard and I have so much to be thankful for.

Ive asked myself so many times why I would still be struggling so badly.

Yesterday, I had my first session w Steve Harley. He explained it to me this way

"As long as you believe that your H had an affair because his emotional needs were not being met (as a *primary* reason) you will be meeting his emotional needs out of fear, there will always be a gun held to your head. Your H had an affair because he failed to protect HIMSELF from his own vulnerabilities, period. He is accountable and responsible for all"

He then went on to explain that perhaps my H has been telling me that "it wont happen again, that I am safe, etc..." BUT that it will likely have little reassuring effect because he is saying things that I believed were *always true*.

He said that until my H proves to me that HE gets it, that HE takes responsibility fully for what happened ( the A, not the downslide of our marriage) that you cannot heal.

I wonder how many of us BS that are struggling have spouses that have come to us and said "I did this to you. I failed us. I failed to protect the safety of our M. I will keep us safe from now on, you no longer have to be the gatekeeper." I wonder if they did, how many of us would still be struggling?

Steve likens this emotional injury to a horrific car crash. If we had visible physical wounds that mirrored the emotional trauma we have sustained there would be a plan to heal. First, you do A. then B. then C. and so on.
If our spouses are unable to do these things, we will not heal properly and at best, will limp along for the rest of our time here on Earth.
___

"As long as you believe that your H had an affair because his emotional needs were not being met (as a *primary* reason) you will be meeting his emotional needs out of fear, there will always be a gun held to your head. Your H had an affair because he failed to protect HIMSELF from his own vulnerabilities, period. He is accountable and responsible for all"

Like I said, I could not live comfortably if I believed that I did NOT have substantial ability to reduce the chances of another such affair. To those of you who feel that there is no point in attending to those ENs, and choose to sit back and blame "poor boundaries", when the preferable goal would be to have the boundaries never approached.......well, the roulette wheel you're playing will someday stop on "busted".

To those of you who feel that there is no point in attending to those ENs, and choose to sit back and blame "poor boundaries", when the preferable goal would be to have the boundaries never approached.......well, the roulette wheel you're playing will someday stop on "busted".

To those of you who feel that there is no point in attending to those ENs, and choose to sit back and blame "poor boundaries"

To those of you who feel that there is no point in attending to those ENs, and choose to sit back and blame "poor boundaries"

MelodyLane: Let me add something to what I have already written to you. I hope I'm not being too redundant.

You will hear Joyce and I repeat, "there are reasons but no excuses." One of the reasons for an affair is that emotional needs are not being adequately met in marriage, which makes an affair that meets those needs more tempting. But the same thing can be said of some who rob banks. They may be out of work, need money to pay the rent, ask for a loan but are refused by the bank, which makes robbing it more tempting. One reason for the robbery is that the bank refused the loan, but it wasn't the bank's fault that it was robbed. On hindsight, a bank might have helped the robber get the help he needed through social services, but the bank is under no obligation to do so, even though they advertise that it is a "caring bank."

An affair is different from robbing banks in that a couple have promised to be more caring than banks. But the principle is the same. The lack of care by one spouse does not excuse harmful behavior by the other spouse. Even when one spouse absolutely refuses to be affectionate, or to make love, or to talk intimately, or to join in recreational activities with the other spouse, it gives them no right to have those needs met by someone else of the opposite sex in an affair. They have the right to separate until the other spouse meets those needs, or even divorce when it becomes obvious that there will be absolutely no cooperation (there are many who strongly disagree with me on that point). But an affair is so cruel and so painful that nothing any one spouse does (including having an affair themselves) can justify the suffering that an affair causes.

Making a disgraceful act more tempting by someone is no excuse for that person committing the disgraceful act. Besides, in most marriages, there are times when emotional needs are not being met for reasons beyond anyone's control. That's why I recommend extraordinary precautions to help spouses avoid an affair. They are to not allow anyone of the opposite sex to meet their need for affection, or intimate conversation, or recreational companionship, or sexual fulfillment. When those needs are met, they deposit so many love units that you are likely to fall in love with that person, and make you hurt your spouse in the worst way possible. I hope that explanation helps.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

"As long as you believe that your H had an affair because his emotional needs were not being met (as a *primary* reason) you will be meeting his emotional needs out of fear, there will always be a gun held to your head. Your H had an affair because he failed to protect HIMSELF from his own vulnerabilities, period. He is accountable and responsible for all"

is really not a MB discussion, but more of an aside theory filled with opinions.

A healthy affair-proofing of the marriage does not only consist of meeting those all important intimate ENs.
Let's not neglect the love-busters that will cause the love bank to go into the red.

And is proper in it's place. The venue for discussion should be appreciated, and disagreement should be anticipated whenever opinion is stated.

Note to the eagerly awaiting "notify" fingers among you - I'm NOT espousing contradictions to the MB structure, only explaining my implementation and management thereof!

Thanx, PB, for the assist.

And in one way, I quite agree with NeverGuessed.
Discussing the OM/OW's character is not particularly appropriate or helpful on a newly betrayed spouses thread.
Discussing the adultery of the latest famous person/powerful person/political person/star athlete/ movie star/ musical icon is fun, but not useful to any newbie BS.

When the old timers have these discussions, we need to make it clear that we are not actually having MB-based concept discussions. It's just talk and sidebar analysis. Not particularly relevant to much on MB.

IMO

Mulan, I think he got concerned about the excessive analysis of DiD and KISA situations.

That thread (your thread) is really not a MB discussion, but more of an aside theory filled with opinions.

EN failure is not the *primary* reason!

Work is a place that many find these friendships, but they are also found in recreational settings, volunteer organizations, and even church. What starts out as casual conversation develops into intimate conversation where personal problems are revealed and help is offered by the friend. Massive Love Bank deposits are made when that happens. The next thing you know, you're hooked.

What happened to your wife, happens thousands of times every day to husbands and wives who feel they should be able to have friends of the opposite sex. They don't see the danger of falling in love when their intimate emotional needs are met outside of marriage. They usually understand that sex is off limits. But they rarely see intimate conversation (communication of emotional reactions and personal problems) as the first step to an affair. If enough Love Bank deposits are made to trigger romantic love, then our instincts to meet the intimate emotional needs of affection and sexual fulfillment become almost irresistible.

Though I would submit that sometimes using Famous Examples can be helpful in illustrating MB principles (and what happens when they are not followed), especially to new folks.