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While I understand the theory behind full and complete exposure, I'm not yet willing to launch a nuclear weapon at work. We live in a very small town, and I am fearful of the professional and personal fallout for both WH and myself. I am not ready to take this step. When will you be ready? One week? Have you put a HIDDEN GPS on his vehicle?
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Joined: Oct 2000
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When you are making fear-based decisions, you are not being an advocate to your own marriage. It is the fear that paralyzes you, sends blood rushing through your veins, sours your stomach, and interupts your sleep. It is the fear that gives away your power, your hope, and your forgiveness. It is fear that robs you of the active self and traps you in the role of patronizing enabler who will take them back at ANY cost...even if the price is too high. It is fear that keeps you from confronting and exposing. And fear that prevents you from enforcing your boundaries and having compassion for yourself.
Fear of abandonment.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of reaction....yours, theirs.
Fear of future...the unknown.
Fear of destitution and want.
Fear of failure.
Fear of losing.
Fear of loss.
Fear of solitude.
Fear of settling.
Fear of change.
Fear of lack of change.
Fear
Fear
Infidelity creates FEAR....and fear is crippling. Research shows us what we already know in our hearts....when we are fearful....we are unable to fire up the parts of our brains that "process" information on a logical, rational, spirtual level and create solutions that increase the odds for success in crises. When we are fearful....we don't use our neocortex....but instead, it is our limpic system which lights up our MRIs....our animal brains wired for "fight or flight".
There is no HOPE in our animal brains....because our indentity, our souls, our compassion....don't reside there. You are only capable of conflict or escape when you are there....so you must find a quiet place to deal with your fears so that you can confront, expose, do all the things that overcoming infidelity entails....all the things that happiness entails. You must value yourself as well as protect yourself, without fear of losing your WS or enforcing boundaries.....because if you don't....all your fears will be realized anyway.
MB is not designed to trap you in a marriage where your feelings are crushed and disrespected or the vows of marriage are meaningless. It's designed to help you overcome fear and give you hope that marriages CAN recover from infidelity....but you must be brave and be willing to risk losing your WS in order to regain trust, fidelity, security.
You must be willing to see beyond your pain and take logical and systematic steps to undermine the affair and increase the stability and security of your marriage. That takes courage above pain. It takes the peacefulness of knowing you are strong enough to lose a self indulgent and unrepentant spouse or recover with a flawed, but motivated one.
Don't let your fear take back a spouse who isn't ready to do the hard work recovery after infidelity entails. It is an invitation for misery.
If you don't believe you CAN survive without your WS....you cannot do what you must do to ensure success.
Stop being fearful of their threats...they are just excuses to leave or be selfish.
Stop being fearful of their reactions....their reactions arise from their guilt...not your boundaries.
Stop being fearful of taking a stand....it's the only way to gain respect or trust.
Stop being fearful of being alone.....until you can stand on your own and risk losing them, you will NEVER know if they remain with you by choice. And you will never know if you want them or you NEED them.
And if you need them....even if they return....you are in trouble chere.
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Joined: Oct 2009
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I have exposed to friends and family, but not to employer out of concern about possible sexual harrassment suit on her part. Stop reacting from fear. Start ACTING to kill the A. They cannot work together. Think about it: what grounds would she have for a sexual harassment lawsuit? Do you have reason to believe that your WH threatened her or coerced her into having an affair with him? Consensual sex is not an acceptable reason for a sexual harassment lawsuit. Now, if you let this affair go, hoping it will 'die a natural death' the chance of a lawsuit gets bigger. Because if they break up and she's angry about it, filing could be a way for her to get back at your WH. In addition, understand this: a sexual harassment lawsuit can be filed by anyone in that office who feels negatively affected by their affair. Any co-worker can file based on their belief that work productivity is being compromised to the detriment of the company. Or that they were overlooked for a raise because your WH is boinking Ms. Less Qualified Who Got the Raise. Or that they have to work harder to pick up the slack while your WH and Ms. Less Qualified are out on leisurely lunch breaks. It's bigger than just whether or not OW would file. Your WH's rear end is exposed to every co-worker in that place. That should worry you enough to make you expose sooner, rather than later. A shot has already been fired across the bow by one employee: I stongly suspect that the anonymous letter came from someone in the workplace.
Last edited by maritalbliss; 06/09/11 02:36 PM.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Mar 2010
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Well GOOD for that brave soul! I hope skankyhola gets fired asap! MB is right, they CANNOT EVER WORK TOGETHER NOR CAN THEY SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN.
Dr. H is firm on that. It is a requirement of real recovery.
If your wh has a good job, then he can use that good skill to go find ANOTHER job elsewhere because HE PLACED HIS FAMILY IN DIRE JEOPARDY AND IN FINANCIAL STRAITS BY HAVING A SELFISH AND STUPID AFFAIR.
Many people have had to move b/c of this stuff. Again, IT IS ALL ON HIM.
Last edited by peachyisback; 06/09/11 03:45 PM.
Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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Politics aside, THIS IS A SCENARIO WHERE A NUKE IS REQUIRED ASAP.
Hit the red button.
This ow is very very aggressive and it sounds as if she will stop at nothing due to her moving to your city, filing for divorce, etc and letting people KNOW WHY. That is imho brazen.
No workplace spy is needed. No cloak and dagger here. If they're in the same zip code even, THEN THE AFFAIR MIGHT STILL BE ON.
But you can also download onto his cell spyware and on his computer and you can LET THE WORLD KNOW that you're onto her and onto the affair.
Your enemy is the ow and the affair. That is what you are doing. The sooner you bust this up, the better odds are that you can recover.
Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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Joined: Mar 2011
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This ow is very very aggressive and it sounds as if she will stop at nothing due to her moving to your city, filing for divorce, etc and letting people KNOW WHY. That is imho brazen. IMHO women do not do this unless they feel pretty comfortable in where they are going. Clearly, this OW thinks she has a strong chance in getting your H. I'm sorry, I know you don't want to hear that. I still think this A is deeper than you believe. Much deeper.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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Fall Out,
I just want to add to what MB is pointing out, and this is coming from one (me) that had to address this in my former career as the "boss". Let me tell you that in NO uncertain terms, that anonymous letter is just about the most powerful thing to kill the A. Just about.
Businesses, large or small, CRINGE at the very hint of an A between co-workers. I cannot emphasize how insignificant the players become almost immediately if even a rumor starts. It's called DAMAGE CONTROL, and that becomes the priority. The 2 people even rumored to be in and A (and often -- very often -- a legit relationship) become a PROBLEM. And, the people that have to address the problem are pi$$ed! It's a distraction from their jobs, their employees even if only one, and to PRODUCTIVTY.
As MB stated, a warning shot has been fired, and YOU have the cannon. A job is a job. Losing it? Sad, but a consequence. Fire the cannon.
My 2 cents.
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Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 320
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Fall out:
If you don't expose you are likely to find yourself where I did for 5 years, yup 5 years. I knew they were seeing each other, suspected there was more than the just good friends BS I was being fed, but wasn't able to proove it, they both did a sterling job on me.
It took me actually deciding that I was going to leave to get the full truth and it wasn't JGF. It hurt more than I can ever say.
When I finally grew up and woke up, I exposed to about the only person I should have, her H. Prior to that everyone I know I told but no one actually addressed it with either of them, when I told her H that killed it.
It also meant that her H moved out so the stupid ginger B****h lost on every count. Did that help? Sure it did. But more importantly it yanked my WH out of the fog.
He has to live every day knowing that everyone knows, oddly he wasn't angry, I think he was relived and we are working now on making things better for us. I think it may be working but my boundaries are rock solid. any contact from him to her.....I walk.
Don't waste years honey
Me 50
WH 52
WH in A 6 yrs in total, last 5 yrs JGF (Not!)
DD final 1.12.10
NC letter sent 3.12.10
Working at being the best I can be, the rest is up to you.
He is still a plonker, but he is my plonker!
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Joined: Mar 2010
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So..ya gonna hit the button or what?
We're pulling for YOU!
Like we say around here, "You can survive him being angry after exposure, but your marriage CANNOT survive a prolonged and entangled affair."
Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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