This was sent to me and I thought I would share it. Author unknown.


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When a Marriage Ends....

Today, exactly 7,817 days after we said "I do", a 21 year marriage has officially ended.

The contrast is stark, from the Pastor saying "I now pronounce you man and wife", to the judge's swift signature that made the divorce official....every in-between day I �wrote this story.

What went wrong?

Over 7,817 days you mean to tell me that something couldn't be righted...be fixed?

No.

If you are married or plan to marry one day, perhaps this peak into this broken heart will mean something to you. �If you've experienced the trauma of divorce, perhaps you may identify. Dreams have been shattered...hearts torn apart.

Breathe.

Now what? �I have nooooo idea. �But I think that I do know this about those who walk this path:

You still have to see her over and over again. At the attorney's. At school. At games. You must be cordial.

You finally get enough room in the bed.

You meet the friendly staff at Publix. You find yourself chatting warmly with the checkers, the man in the parka who's always stocking the freezer section, Victor the produce man. How do you pick a good honeydew? You dont think Victor knows, either.

You learn the pleasures of laundry and dishes, sweeping, and mopping. �You get the better closet.

You learn that every single online account was in her name or under her phone number; it takes you two days to organize a vacation stop on the newspaper.

You realize the joke she was always making turned out to be true: What's hers is hers and what's yours is hers.

You start eating leftovers.

You have to decide what to say when people innocently ask how SHE is doing.

You start making a real effort to spend quality time with each of your children.

You cry. A lot.

You find that the characters in the story lines in old episodes of Nip/Tuck, on which you binge during the long lonely nights, closely parallel your own life story in weird ways. Ditto The Wire, The Office, Modern Family.

You can't get that Cee Lo Green song out of your head. The uncensored version.

You hope beyond hope that this trauma has not damaged your children beyond repair. You know it will always be a part of their personal tale. For that, you are eternally sorry. You wanted them to have the "perfect" life.

Your life becomes a lot more modulated. There's no more shouting.

You lose "friends". �You gain friends.

You realize that the church has no clue how to love someone going through a divorce. �And by church, I mean you, me, AND the local church.

You think about things a person can't do for himself. You wonder what it would be like to grow old alone. Will there be someone to help you when you've fallen, and you can't get up? �Funny....but not so funny.

You try not to think about all the money you managed to scrape together over a period of two decades and a business that you've poured your sweat and blood into, �that's now "permanently" divided in half, to be spent by her on: new perfume, travel, shoes, furniture you will never sit on, or a bed you will never sleep in. �Consequences, I get it. But someone please help me with this....

You wonder where the state of Florida ever got the idea for a "no fault" divorce.

You wonder if she's morphing into a whole different person and will be happy.

You learn that rationalization, along with the opposable thumb, is what distinguishes humans from the rest of the animal kingdom.

You learn to dread the "drive-away" - when either the kids or you separate after precious time together. It's as if the entire ball-crushing experience of the breakup happens to you all over again - replayed in superfast motion over the span of 5 seconds. You realize that anxiety really can be crippling.

You discover in successive waves some of what really happened. Through counseling, or a good friend, �you unearth telling details...truths that you knew you knew, but never ever wanted to admit...

You conclude, despite the helpful advice of friends, that there is no way you could ever post your pic on a dating Web site....is there?

You are thankful for every minute you get to spend with your kids, and especially the moments that they really need you and you can be there for them. The injustice of losing by decree fully half your time with them is the deepest cut of all.

You hope and pray that they will learn and grow from this hardship. It is clear already that they have blossomed in a number of ways. There is no person on the face of the planet you would rather be with. You hope they know this. My girls will never have the feeling that nobody loves them, or that their daddy isn't profusely proud of them, or doesn't try (with all of his man-ness) to understand them.

You wish you could tell your story from beginning to end. You wish you could once and finally be heard and understood. But you know this will never happen. Lord willing, I will never ever disparage her, my wife of 21 years, the mother of my 4 precious girls, and most importantly, a daughter of the King of Kings. For the sake of the children, its usually better to say less than more. �Good advice from so many.

When a marriage ends, you learn this: nobody sees things quite the way you do, and nobody cares as much as you do.

But you can't help telling yourself: Maybe...just maybe someday I'll find someone who will.
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WDW, thanks for sharing this. There was some I could really identify with, like losing half the time with the kids. So sad, and I don't see what other option exists. And some I things I found it hard to relate to, like the accounts being under the other name or number, so it takes two days to order a vacation stop for the paper. I was familiar with my ex's name and phone number, so that wasn't an issue.

But overall, what I got from it was, sometimes the truth hurts.

What a great and heartfelt post, WDW. Thanks. From a woman's perspective I'd like to add another point of view, because, you see, I have the kids. They're my lifeline. I adore them more than anything in my life BUT ... sometimes I could use a break. Sometimes I'd like to have a night to myself; not to be with someone but to be alone with my thoughts.

But that can't happen because my fwh left the state days after our divorce was final to live with OW who he has since married (all in a matter of a mere 2 months). He hasn't seen his boys since New Year's. He wants them to come up and visit now that school is over but he hasn't bought the train tickets yet. We settled on a week in June for the visit. Now he wants to do it in July. For months all I've heard from him is how much he misses our children. So, instead of focusing on a visit, he's trying to get me to look for a job and move 800 miles to live where he and his new wife live. Wow. Just WOW. Total Fantasy Land thinking.

My boys and I (I refer to us as The Three Muskateers) have made and continue to make a good life for ourselves but it can be hard. One of my sons has Down syndrome and diabetes and requires special attention. My other son (14) has had to take on a lot of responsibility for his brother's care while I work. Finances are very, very tough. We have no family here or anywhere nearby and sometimes I just need help with something that I can't do myself. Those moments are a punch in the gut, a reminder that I can't do it all alone.

But here's the thing that really bothers me about our situation now. Nearly 6 years ago, my husband lost his job. We lived in another state then. He was out of work for 7 months while I continued to work. Our savings melted away and we began to accumulate debt just to get by. He finally got a job that required us to move to my current state. A year later he lost that job which required us to move to another city in my current state. I got a job this time while he worked part-time, earning less than $1,200 a month. During both times he was out of work, he didn't try too hard to work. It put a terrible strain on our financial situation - more mounting debt, paycheck to paycheck and keeping our fingers crossed that nothing major would come along. Finally he was employed full-time as was I. We bought a home we liked after living in a cramped apartment with our children and two cats. We were finally going to breathe a little and build some security in our relationship and financial outlook.

But after a year, he fell in love with someone he went to high school with. The next year was filled with unbearable grief. Then he was gone. Here I am in my mid-fifties having to give up the hope that life would get better, maybe even a little easier. I'm in a home I can't afford but can't afford to sell. We can't afford to go on a vacation, even overnight amd blah, blah, blah.

I just needed to vent. There are many pluses to my life now and thank God I have my boys with me. Somehow though I feel that my ex got to bail on all of his responsibilities and shed the burdens that challenged us for so many years, all starting because he lost his job ... twice.

NED and Reva...I think anyone who has gone through D (or will) can relate to this story in some way. Some of us may have those very same thoughts as we move through life post D. The saga is draining, painful and we all deal with our feelings differently...but the impact of the devastation is the same. It is especially disheartening for those of us who were a BS. I personally feel this compounds your emotions even more.

Irrespective of divorce, I think we all get strength from our children, or at least they keep us focused on how important it is that we be there for them.

Although, I do not know the circumstances surrounding this story, I find it noble that this individual stated he would NEVER disparage his wife, the mother of his children and his wife of 21 years. But he also mentions she is the daughter of the King of Kings! Because of his faith, I believe this would be his reason? I think I need to work on this!

It's a tough road... both of you hang in there and keep the faith!