i'm feeling panicky. tell me the truth, do men go around lusting after every good looking woman that they see? will i ever be safe in this world full of "other women"? is it possible. all my ideals have been shot to hell, and now i wonder. is faithfulness possible? i mean in your heart, is it foolish to wish that my husband were all mine, that he only want me? do you still love your wives when they get older and show the wear and tear of regular life and age?

neen,<P>You ask two different questions. There's little doubt that a lot of men "lust" (or notice) beautiful women. Me included.<P>But that's not the same as love. I love my wife, even with all the "wear and tear."<P>I wouldn't worry about what you're concerned about. What you should concern yourself with is how to make your husband feel as loved as possible (Following the Four Rules---Care, Protection, Time, and Honesty). If you are meeting all your husband's needs, it's highly unlikely that he will ever stray. And if he, in turn, is doing the same for you, you're going to be in a great marriage. The trick is to learn each other's needs and how to meet them in a way that builds this love.<P>

And how about you, neen? Have you ever gone to a movie just because [fill in hunky actor's name] is in it? I have. <P>We are married, not dead. Sure, men are going to find other women attractive. Whether they "lust" after them remains to be seen.<P>It boils down to this: Can you appreciate a Rembrandt painting without wanting it hanging in your living room? In other words, can you separate fantasy from reality?<P>Back in the days before PSBFH, my H would say, "There is no [censored] in the world that's worth risking what I have with you." Then I got all embroiled with school and hobbies, he felt neglected, PSBFH came along and batted her eyes at him. <P>I suspect that something physical happened at some point that was not consummated, because H decided that "no [censored] in the world was worth risking" what he has with me.<P>Given that some OW's are NOT younger, prettier, thinner, whatever, I don't think that "good looking" is what it's about. It's about who gives you what you need at any given time. At that time, H needed commiseration about his job, and since she worked there, she gave it to him.<P>I too have concerns about whether the "good looks" thing overrides everything...and I've mentioned how offensive I find Harley's "Attractive Spouse" section in HN-HN. Look, it's a crapshoot. If your man has a good sense of himself, or if there are other compensations, then no, he won't just run off because you get older. But an insecure man who thinks that the only way he's worthwhile is to squire a young model on his arm (see also: Donald Trump) is probably not a good bet.

thank you!<P>dazed, what is psbft or whatever those letters were? what does that mean?

Neen, Right along with what K and D&C said. He had the right outlook but didn't maintain it. THese things generally happen little by little so that the inclination not to do it is eroded. Most guys catch themselves and are able to stop. For me I would think to myself "If this woman wasn't so pretty and engaging, would I be so interested? Not that I'm so exceptional. THe answer was often no.<BR>It is not the many women you need to worry about. It is the one that will be able to send out the signal and say the right things.<BR>Make him feel special. I've seen this happen with stewardesses that for that brief second they give you the look that makes you think that they like you. But they are doing it to everyone else that they're sserving coffee to. I watched in wonder once as a seatmate of mine tried to engage the stew in conversation because he though she was "digging me". Funny, I caught the same vibe for me. As did most of the other guys. We such suckers for that. SInce then I have observed this in waitresses, women in personnel and sales women. <BR>Anyway, he needs to remind himself of his original thought about it not being worth it.<BR>To help that, you need to hold him accountable for what he has done and he should be honest with you when he gets that feeling....

PSBFH = "Predatory She-B*tch from Hell". Another term for "OW". <P>In my situation, PSBFH is no beauty. Yeah, she's taller and thinner, and has that certain "je ne sais quoi" that draws men to her. It's a gift from God. Some have it, some don't. My sister has it. Even at age 47, she can still flirt with 25-year-old waiters and they dig it.<P>I don't have it. I have to content myself with just being a good person. If I knew how it was and if I thought you could cultivate it, I might. Then again, I might not. Not if it means you collect married men as "friends and sometimes more" because they'll fawn all over over you but they're "safe" so you never have to REALLY do anything for them.<P>I guess I've never had the looks that drive men mad with desire, so I wouldn't know if I'd react as "Yeah, she's digging me." I think that most women have too low self-esteem, due to unrealistic body images and such, to even be able to see it when it happens, whereas even the ugliest man will see flirtation where none really exists.<P>

neen, <P>Sure I like looking at pretty ladies. I married one! But, just because I look at them doesn't mean I want to have sex with them. <P>Infidelity is a blow to our self image regardless if you are male or female. Everyone here has had their world shot to hell.<P>Faithfulness possible? Sure it is. Infidelity is a symptom of a bad marriage not the cause. Find the cause and correct it and faithfullness is possible.<P>Do I still love my wife when she gets older? I love my wife more now than I ever did and she had an affair! Sure she's older - I am too. But for me it goes beyond physical appearance. I have a mature and romantic love for my wife (i hope she can soon find that for me). All men are not so shallow as you suggest. Most men (I think) want that emotional connection when it comes to love. If its purely physical appearence, it won't last.<P>You can recover from this neen. It hurts real bad. <P>SHA

Neen,<P>You ask an interesting question. I did not get married until in my 30's. I'll put it this way. I had a very very pleasant bachelorhood. Never dated steadily but dated many girls/women. If you were to look at my wife she would not compare physically to most of the women I dated. But she was the one I fell in love with. She is now in her late 40's gained a few pounds and I still love her. To me she is beautiful.<P>While I still will notice a very attractive women or girl, it is like Daze and Confused said it is a picture. Something to appreciate. Notice I used a neutral word not a word that is animate. When you meet and work with people then the physical beauty is quickly tempered by the personality.<P>It has been my observation, that men (me too) respond to aggressive women ( I mean don't grab you be the shirt collar women) I mean women that take notice of you and engage you. Note the airline story above. If your H is questioning your love for him and he meets a women that notices him, then one has to worry. The actual physical appearance does not play a very big role.<P>I've always felt that one of the big attraction of pornography for adult men is that the women give the allusion of being really willing.<P>Look at it from a womens stand point. Many women on this forum that had affairs will tell you that the OM met their needs. When they come out of the affair they realize that the OM in many cases was telling them what they wanted to hear. They were using them and in the common language "put the moves on them". These men are not necessarily as attractive as their H's. But they paid attention to them. In many respects there is no real difference in men and women. Only in how the opposite attracts them and pays attention to them and that difference is really rather small.<P>After this very long winded soap box speech. Men can and do remain faithful to their wifes. They often still find them attractive after many many years. Just as women remain faithful and find their H's attractive.<P>Hope this helps.

Lusting after good looking women? I look at them and enjoy it, but not quite with lust.<P>If I had the chance with my Wife, Sandra Bullock or Sella Ward, I have always known I would pick my Wife hands down, absolutely no contest!<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>