I too have asked this... I really don't know the answer. During the A, I thought it was to not take things for granted, to live everyday to the fullest. Not to the fullest like I'm gonna go here and there, but to appreciate the gifts I have around me- kids, husband, food, shelter, the green things He gives us. That kind of thing.

Am I being testing? To have more faith. Have I not had enough faith, so more was taken from me. So in order to survive-have food and shelter, I need more faith. I don't know. I don't know what my lesson here is either.

I just know it's not a fun place to be.

I honestly thought that if I had enough faith- in God, my husband, myself everything was going to work out. So what was the problem- not enough faith in my STXWH, was I throwing out my mistrust of him so much it drove him away? Drove him into the arms of another? Then I think- no? BC that wasnt the problem when he cheated before. Then it was hurt and resentment regarding him and his family walking all over me. I just dont know anymore. I need a billboard, God. Just saying- I'm not getting it.

I guess I'd like to think he has at least a small shred of guilt in there.....I certainly could be wrong.


This is good!


I'm no expert in this field, but I would venture to say that this is normal (sadly) and that the less contact you have with your stbx the better YOU will be. And the better you are emotionally the better the mom you are...hence the kids pick up on this and will find solace in it. You can't let him get in your head! I would suggest an IM and strictly keep all comm between IM


You shouldnt be talking to him about personal stuff. You should not be within earshot of him. It would be ideal if you NEVER had to see him. An IM can cut all that out for you.


IM


unnecessary drama


unnecessary drama

I hope I don't sound harsh, but I hate to see you getting sucked into his world. It will never make sense to you! And he will never be able to see it from your POV...NEVER. Did you know that married couples agree only 39% of the time? that's married couples who are trying to be happy! You will not change the way he thinks and reason's. Stop trying. FOCUS ON YOU! make YOU the best single mom EVER, in every way!
You can do this!

I know you don't want to be where you are right now. It took a long time for me to accept the place I was in my life at the time of the hurricane of infidelity. But we ARE here...we can wallow in the anger, guilt, shame and sadness of our sit, or we can choose to make it better.


(((HF)))

I sent the email only to have documentation. I know better to have those verbal conversations with him.

I was talking to my brother last night and he said "sounds like you stxwh wants his cake and to eat it too" I have to agree.

He wants to be in this relationship/family yet he wants the freedom of a single man. That's the bottom line.

I know I cant change him. I just get mad when I see the kids having a hard time and he is oblivious to it. He feeds off them being happy and excited to see him yet doesnt see the case of their new behaviors. (It's all about ME!)

And I was just having a crappy pity party yesterday. Ya know poor me, blah blah blah.

It is nice to wake up and not live in fear that the man you love so much is walking out the door- doing who knows. The daily irritation is gone. There were some days I'd just wake up mad/irritated at him. I never could pin point it- except for the A. I'd just be on edge.

However, I have had alot of time to reflect my long M, and I see so much selfishness on his part- prior to the A. I put up with a lot of crap. And the only reason was, was because I never wanted to stand in his way of doing something he liked- so I gave up alot for him. It just didn't go both ways.

I do not have to talk to him for two weeks- that will be good.

I do not think he will call- they are doing a big summer round up- so he is working a ton of hours- (he should be in pure heaven bc that's his dream) so it will give me more time to be free of him.

HavingFaith


That's a bum deal.

I know the dissolution of your marriage is painful. But at least you won't be taken advantage of like this any more.

Take care.

Yes, that's the feeling I get. And I hate to see him getting you so upset. He's not worth it anymore.



You are entitled to a few of those! I still have those days.

How long will the D process take? Does Tx have a "cooling off" period?

how long is the D process and is there a cooling off period?

Yes, Texas does have a cooling off period. I about died when my attorney told me next month we could be done. I think the look of my fear made her say- but yall will not be ready by then.

My fear stems from not having a job. I am being passed over for some bc I'm over qualified (paying 35 a year) and bc I'm under qualified for others. It bites. I know it'll take time.

I fear putting the house on the market- bc if it sells I have no place to go. No job and the equity in the house will then be used to live on and not towards a new house. Oh that I will not be able to purchase bc I haven't worked in 5 years!

I am mad today bc I will be making squat compared to what my sbxwh makes. I stayed home with the kids so that fool could thrive in his career. where has that gotten me? Screwed!

Does anyone know if your spouse has banked 240 hours of annual leave amounting to 15000 can I request half of that? Just wondering? And what about sick leave? I sitting here reading the statement that says "should you separate from the federal govt, other than retirement, you will not be paid your accumulated sick leave." Does this mean upon retirement he is paid for SL? I'm just wondering bc he has 914 hours there. That's alot. And yes, I stayed home with the kids when they were sick- so he could work, I was sick- and took care of the kids- so he could work, I took care of him when he was sick....

I would love to send him a bill for my services over the years.

I'm mad, bc I thought I would be secure financially. And I am not. He took that from me! I want it back.

I did't have the same job, not even the same caliber or anything, but when I left my job, they paid me my "personal days" which were really just accumulated hours like his. If they don't get wiped out from year to year he might get them upon leaving work/retiring. I am not sure.

My father was a career Federal gov't employee. When he retired he was paid for his banked SL. I don't know how that plays out in divorce, though. How long til retirement for him?

13 years... forced at 55... I'm just thinking that would be a nice bonus... or at least giving me the cash from the sell of the house...

I guess I'm feeling like if he wanted out of the M so much, he needs to pay dearly for it...

I know, those thoughts simmer in my head alot. especially the "screwed" part, I said the same thing to my FWH. Crazy how one sacrifices education, time, career, putting the H and kids needs first and look at what it gets you. It's a bad feeling.


I do think he gets the accumulated sick and annual paid when he retires. Your attorney should know, if not be sure to have her look into it. You deserve your part of what was accumulated during the marriage.

can you leave your portion of the TSP (if he have one) In the gov't acct until retirement? I know our acct does way better than any other investments we have.

Havingfaith, I am no expert but would ask the attorney if you can get your share of the SL.

If nothing else perhaps it can be a bargaining tool on your list that you could "give up" to get something else of similar dollar value?

I would want to have it listed on his list of assets as it does have a dollar value as of today, but again, I am not an attorney.

Good luck

Oh we have a ton in the TSP account... we put in the max. amount... I will check into if I can roll it into a separate TSP account, it's doubtful... and it does yield more money than our other accounts... it's maddening... what a JACK WAGON!

I agree... I would be willing to have more money from the sell of the house for 1/2 the banked leave...

Faith, An IRA account can be rolled over to you in the event of a divorce. It is call a QDRO or Qualified Domestic Relations Order. You will get your amount and then you will pay the taxes when you start withdrawing from it.

Not sure what a TSP account is but if it is some type of deferred retirement savings ask your attorney. I would think this is also considered marital assets. If it was earned with marital dollars, one half is yours.

Pretty much anything that was earned during your marriage is considered marital and should be shared equally.

If you inherited money and kept it separate that is yours alone. If you co-mingled inherited money with marital money it can then lose it's "only belonging to you" status.

A TSP account is the federal governments 401k system they use. For what ever reason it yields a higher return, at least that is how it compares to other 401k accounts we have set up for the kids. Anyway, it would be nice if I could roll it into my own account through their system- I don't know if I can. Otherwise, I will contact our other guy and see what he can do to help me out.

On another note, I don't know what it is about today- I feel especially lonely. Maybe it's because its the weekend. Even though I don't work, in the past it was our time together as a family. It just seems harder because I want so badly to pick up the phone to call and chat. For some stupid reason I miss that man- as toxic as he is for me, I miss him.

I read something last night that was comforting, it was something about what it says about you as a person, when you know someone who is in need and you dont meet that need. It talked about how your morals are messed up.... it was just one of those times that helped me a little more, to realize how off track my stxwh is... how I could say I need you not to eat and spend alone time with a female co-worker bc it hurts me- and he continued to do it, defend it, and leave the M bc of it...

I know I need to divert my mind somewhere else bc that give him to much power in my head... it's just so hard bc for 18.5 years he has been the most important thing in the world to me and I suddenly NEED to not let that be the case. It's difficult to do.

As far as the job market- I'm either over-qualified or under-qualified... it bites.... I will be doing a home study for an adoption, so that's a little extra money...I will be submitting paperwork to the family courts to get my name on a list (I hope a short one) to do some on the side...lol... for a while that maybe my only income... but at least I can add it to my resume.

Do you have a sibling or a friend you could call? Now is a fantastic time to re-establish old bonds that may have faded.



I'm right there with you, sister! Have you seen the "What's for Dinner?" thread I started in Other Topics? I am cooking so much these days because I have so much time on my hands to research new recipes and do elaborate things in the kitchen. But I'd rather be working.



That sounds interesting (albeit not lucrative). It's good to keep your brain engaged!

I do have many friends, but it's not the same. I miss the drinks on the back porch when the kids are sleeping, the coffee with him on Saturday morning kind of thing. I miss him. I understand where you are going with it, fill that need with a friend- it's not the same. I lost my best friend. I had no voice in the D, except this is not what I want... no voice at all... I think I would feel differently if I didn't believe in my heart that with a little effort it would have been fine...

But I also know that he was no willing to provide that, therefore I never would have felt safe. I know this and believe it in my heart to be true. It's hard when you've lost someone who you care so deeply for...it's just a bad weekend...

On the flip side, my gf saw my MIL at church today. She was checking up on us- seeing how we were doing kinda thing...my gf said something like "I don't think stxwh fully understands the ripple effect of his actions." My MIL agreed and said she is very worried about the boys. She also went off on him and his job- that being the issue... So heaven only knows what he has told her the reason we are D... I'm sure it wasn't bc I asked him to stop eating alone and spending so much time with a possible OW.... I'm sure he left that out... I'm sure he didn't say. "HF wants me to be home 2 nights a week for dinner." I'm sure he is painting it in some other light. I wish they knew their son for what he really is, that's all... I guess I'm so sick of people saying Oh he's such a great guy, such a hard worker, we respect him so much- blah blah blah.... they know only part of him... I am so angry at him...

I'm ready for the anger and sad cloud over my little head to go away! I want to wake up to a job, new house, and a normal routine.

Regarding the cooking thing... I used to love to cook... I took pride in making nice well balance meals... getting the kids to try and love things they'd never eating before... I would not use anything processed if I could help it... and then this... I cant bring myself to go into my awesome kitchen and cook... I'm not ready for that... Kinda like working in the flower bed... I go out there and get mad...it's so freaking big to do alone... it was something we did together- music going, chatting etc Now it's just a reminder and overwhelming...

I get ya... I need to do something each day besides filling out applications and checking out the MB board... I just don't know what it is yet.

Have you considered rearranging the furniture?

I know it's sounds silly, but I've heard it's a helpful way to "re-boot" after a breakup. It's one easy step in the direction you're heading: new job, new house, new normal routine.

I'm sorry you're having such a bad weekend. My husband just left for a week-long business trip, so my cooking this week will be very single girl-centric. Of course, I have to get through the leftovers first . . .

Take care. I hope your week brightens a bit.

I am in such a funk... I feel like I have no direction right now... I mean am I really supposed to get excited about waking up each day and figuring out "what am I going to do today to get the house ready to sell?" It is a hard thing to do when I didn't have a voice in this situation... well I guess I did when I placed a boundary...

It's hard... facing rejection every day, it's a huge beat down to the ole self esteem... it's the loss of the marriage with rejections in the work force... it makes it hard to keep looking... it started last week- the pity party, cry fest...IDK what is up with it... I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep and cry...

well let's hope that at least the foundation guy that's coming out in the morning is pleasant to look at- maybe that'll help some.