Hi there,
Firstly I want to thank you for your website which has given me such insight and encouraged me even more in such a positive way with my decision to stay with my husband.

I am sure you have heard stories like mine over and over, but I would really appreciate personal advice.

I am turning 55 in July and my husband has just turned 52.

I�ll start from the beginning.

My G and I have been married for 7 years in Sept. He has a daughter and I have 2. His daughter was 18 at the time and mine was 11 � they both stayed with us. We initially lived together for a year before we got married but in the last 6 months of us living together G made a decision that he did not want us to �live in sin� any longer and so we stopped having sex for those 6 months. We sometimes fell�because we were still sharing the same bed. He took me out for a meal one evening, and on bended knee asked me to marry him. I was 48.

On my wedding day G cried all the way through the service, and I could not wipe my joyous smile off my face. At the reception when he gave his speech, he ended off by giving his elderly parents a beautiful love filled speech and then sat down without having spoken to me before our guests. He jumped up after he was reminded that he had said nothing to his new wife, but I was deeply hurt. We could only go away on honeymoon for the weekend as G had his own business which he had to get back to on the Monday. When we got back after the weekend, life just continued, we had a business to run, 2 daughters, a home, animals and somewhere along the way we both felt that we had not been given the chance to start out our married life the way we should have. Sadly G�s daughter took precedence over me and she became the queen in our home. (I love her dearly, please don�t get me wrong � I�m just giving a bit of history) Because of that I cleaved to my daughter.

When G�s daughter got married and left our home, I was then allowed to take up position as queen. However, we now had the problem of him wanting my all now that I was queen and he became aware of the unnatural bond that was formed between my daughter and myself and because of this he began to feel as if it was always the 2 of us up against him. He felt as if he was not first in my life, and even although he had learned to love my daughter, he began to resent her.

Then�horror of horrors � a year after we had been married I started menopause. Having never been told a thing about menopause, I had no idea what was going on with me. I became the most horrible person. Nothing anyone did made me happy, I was in a depression (I have never been a person who suffers with depression, as I am the most outgoing friendly person anyone could meet) I had day and night sweats (another thing that was unusual for my body as I never perspired � I got hot but never wet with perspiration) I found sex to be extremely painful, so much so that it would feel as if my insides were being hacked away with a blunt knife � this happened even if we used lubrications. It was more painful than childbirth.

I went to a �Natural� Pharmacy and they gave me natural HRT. This took away the day/night sweats and the depression, but nothing else. Everything G did irritated me, I fought with my daughter. I could not bear G brushing his teeth near me, I could not bear his foot touching me, I got irritated with everything that G did. I researched Menopause to understand, and he did a bit of research himself. I was open and honest with him and tried to explain that I did not understand what was going on or how long it would be. By this stage G began to feel ugly about himself, he felt rejected and unappealing to me. Menopause continued until about October last year and then it just stopped and I began to see my husband with the eyes that I had for him when we first met each other. I am totally in love and devoted to my precious husband, always have been and still am.

In September last year, G made friends with a married woman on Facebook who he had gone to school with. I had always warned G about friendship with other women, but at this stage I guess he was looking for some kind of affirmation having been neglected by me for those years I was in menopause. Their friendship grew and they talked to each other every day over Facebook. Things became quite serious between them. They both discussed their �problem� spouses with one another and began to cleave to each other for what they lacked in us, their spouses. They began to have internet sex over Facebook. Then one day in November I asked G to make love to me as I desired him and he told me that he was not interested because he did not want to have �sex� with his wife, he wanted to �make love� to her. I was devastated.

Communication between the 2 of us was limited. His cell became attached to his hip. He would go outside and talk on his cell. When I asked him about it he always said it was one of 2 of his friends that was talking to him confidentially. I would hear him tap away at his keyboard and when I asked him who he was talking to he would mention another guy from our church. I asked him outright if he was having an affair and he always said no � not surprising.

She lives in another city, but her father lives in our city. Her father �became ill� with cancer (He is totally healed now by the way) and she flew to our city on numerous occasions. It was during working hours that G met with her in her father�s home and of course they became intimate and physically had the sex that they used to have over the internet.

G had needs from October right through to February this year to get away to �find� himself. On one of those �finding himself� trips, she had organized a bungalow at one of our beach resorts and they spent the night together. He began to have difficulty sleeping at night and began to drink red wine daily. After her trips she would return to her city and live out her life with her husband. I must add here that her husband is a very successful Chartered Accountant who has given her the best of everything materially. Unfortunately my darling G is not in the same position as her husband as he had had to sell his company 4 years previously and is now helping his aged father with his company and is not earning a very good salary at all. We battle to make ends meet.

However every morning when my husband got up to spend time with God, he would phone her, sms her and send her photographs of himself as she would. This carried on right throughout the day. Each and every day�.+-20 calls, +- 20 sms�s, +- 10 photographs. His phone bill was extremely high as I imagine hers was. On Feb 9th this year I found out in a supernatural way. I had been suspicious for so long and I found something on his computer which he had failed to delete. I made him call her while I was sitting in our lounge with him. He told her that I knew. That night we talked and he told me that he did not want to divorce me. I told him the same. He said he wanted to work on our marriage and he would not contact her again. I tried really hard to be loving and give him what he needed, affection, love, adoration. He was not as responsive back. We went for a bout of counselling which has now stopped � we are both in agreement with this.

Every day I would ask him if they had had any contact and he said no. every day when he came home from work, I made sure I looked presentable, I sprayed myself with perfume and added a touch of make-up and met him at the door . His eyes would light up and he would greet me warmly as I him. My asking if they were still in contact became less frequent, yet every time I asked him, he would say no.

Then on the 29th May, I got into his cell phone account on the internet. I had tried before but did not know the password. This day, I supernaturally typed in a password and I was able to access his account. He had been in contact with her every day since I had found out in Feb. The bills showed that contact prior to May was a little less, but May was where things were reaching a head between them again. Hundreds of call to her cell phone and even to her home number, hundreds of sms�s and mms�s.

I must just go back a little, and say that after I found out G went away again to �find� himself. He was gone for 6 days. I know she was not with him because the cell acc showed the numerous calls, sms�s etc. made to her during that time. G never contacted me for 3 days. On the 4th day he phoned me and told me that God had given him a new love for me and that he was totally in love with me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I was ecstatic. Sadly, what God had told him he gave to his married lover. His itemized billing showed that he had contacted her after his call to me and they were way more frequent then his calls and sms�s to me after that.

I also found e mails that they had written to one another, in one dated in April after his declaration of love to me, he wrote that he longed to wake up with her, be with her forever, love her children and grandchildren and he told her he wished that he could leave right then but could not because of his financial state but wished that I would �piss off� and also found naked pictures that they had sent to one another. I actually e mailed her pictures of her nakedness back to her and said that I thought her family might enjoy those pics for the family album. By the way I sent her a message on Facebook in Feb when I first found out and asked her if she had any decency or thought for me to not contact my husband again or I would let her husband and children know about the affair. She never answered me and blocked me on Facebook.

Once again I addressed him on my findings, and all he said to me was if I have the evidence what do I want from him. I told him I wanted the truth from him.

That night we talked again�I told him I wanted closure and he was to make a decision on what way he wanted to go. He kept asking me what I wanted to do, I told him I did not want a divorce, but the decision was not mine, he could not throw the ball into my court. I painted a picture for him of how wonderful his life could be with her if I was out of the picture, I told him that I would help him to regain financial stability so he could give her everything that she was used to. I told him that I would leave graciously and not take a thing except my own personal stuff. He could have our home, my car, everything, I wanted nothing. I told him that if he could show her that he had a beautiful home with all our lovely furniture and that he could give her the life her husband had given her, then I was sure that she would divorce her husband to be with him.

I saw him ponder this in his mind and then he said to me that he was not sure deep down in his heart that they would make it together and also that he was not sure if the woman she showed him was who she really was. He admitted to being �in love� with her but also loved me. He admitted that she turned him on more than I did.

On Thurs 2nd June he made a final decision after I had once again addressed him and reminded him of the picture I had drawn for him. He told me that she had told him that she couldn�t make any promises to him but that she loved him deeply and would never hurt him. I told him, this was it, he was being selfish, cruel, mean to not only me, but to himself and to her. I told him that I felt so desperately sorry for him. I gave him time and watched how he sorted out some breakfast for himself, sorted out the pool etc. and then he came to me and stood in front of our bed which I was lying on and said to me, �C, I choose you, you are right in everything you say, I will remove her from my heart and I want us to work on our marriage.�

I have since then asked him how he was doing � he says he�s doing good, has bombarded himself with his dad�s work so he doesn�t have to ponder, but he says he does have thoughts that pop into his mind, but he throws them out.

This morning I asked him, do the 2 of you have any contact � he said no. I asked have either of you tried to make contact � he said yes�he tried to make contact last week, dialled her number but cancelled the call before he even got the phone to his ear. I told him that I was hurt by him keeping that from me when I am constantly asking him to be truthful and let me know when he or her do anything like this.

I�ve told him about me going to your website and some of the things I have read. He is anti doing the emotional needs list, but will do it if I insist. He is aware that he will never be able to contact her again if we are to work on our marriage and he told me over the phone before I began writing this that he does not feel pain but feels deep sadness and feels empty. I continue to love him, show untold affection, affirm him etc. etc. Oh and lastly, we have been making love from the day I found out in Feb on a regular basis except for 11 days before I found out about their continued communication. Since then we have made love on numerous occasions as well, but my husband although he gets and erection, is unable to ejaculate.

I feel wounded, shattered, alone, unloved, BUT I do have hope. Will this ever come right? Will he ever be able to let her go?
Can you please help me as I walk this rocky road, can you advise me and encourage me.

Kind regards,
C

*EDIT: POST HAS BEEN BROKEN INTO PARAGRAPHS FOR EASIER READING. WELCOME TO MARRIAGE BUILDERS, CHALLICEW.

Long read I skimmed. Sorry you are here but yes you are in the right place.
You need to start with Exposure.

Can you please shorten this down to about 3 paragraphs? I am a patient person, and I only read through about 1/3 before I scrolled down and tried to get the main details.

All we really need to know are certain things like, How long have you been married? Are there any COM(Children of marriage)? Children from previous marriages/relationships? First marriage for both? If not, how did the other marriages end and did you two start dating before any Ds? Is OW married? WHo have you exposed to? Has the affair ended? DO the OW and WH work together? There will be more questions, but this is the beginning things we need to know.

How much of this site have you read? You can click on the newly betrayed link in my siggy to help guide you through the site.

Welcome and sorry you are here.

Hi C, welcome to Marriage Builders. Can you cut this back to 3 paragraphs? This is way too long and most posters don't have that kind of time. You will get a lot more help if you keep it short and concise. Thanks.

reader digest version

Gosh, I didn't realize that it was too long, just wanted to give details, being a woman and all. Not to sure how to delete this and start all over using a synopsis.

paragraphs are there now.

Go look at the link for new members here to start getting the true MB concept.

sorry you are here.

The quickest and most effective way to end the suffering you are in and to give our marriage the best chance is to EXPOSE THIS AFFAIR TO EVERYONE
There is no way around it. Tell all your family, children and especially her family. Your H and the OW are living in a fantasy bubble and the best way to burst that is with a food dose of reality this comes with exposure.

Then snoop and snoop some more find out if the a is still going.

It's that straightforward there is NO WAY ROUND THIS AND NO SHORTCUTS OE EXCUSES save yourself alot more headache and set backs and blow this affair out onto the open as soon as possible.

Also do not tell him your details on this forum keep this space private until you can trust him

An update...
Found out about affair on 9th Feb 2011.
Told no one - kept it from family.
Affair continued through to 27th May 2011 via cell phone.
Last known contact was on 28th May 2011 when he phoned to her tell her he was sorry for hurting her.
He dialed her number one day the week after but did not go through with it.
He went into my Hotmail a/c and deleted all the evidence that i had saved.
She tried to make contact on 10th June 2011.
I had his phone as he was away at a men's church camp for the night. I made a descision to expose.
I told my daughters - they are devastated and angry.
Did not tell his elderly parents or his daughter.
Sent a message to her daughter on Facebook telling her about the affair. Exposed her on her own Facebook page using my husband's old alias. She blocked and deleted the alias.
Told my husband what i had done...he's been very angry since then. Also told me that the evidence was deleted because it was a reminder and he wanted us to move on.
Any comments?

He destroyed the evidence because it was damaging to himself.

You should tell his parents and his daughter.

Who else have you told on OW's side?

You need to expose this all at once, make it nuclear. Use some of the templates on this site to help you so you do it most effectively.

Do you still snoop? Could you put a VAR in his car? GPS? Keylogger? And when you get evidence, save it somewhere that he has no access to.

Yes i still "snoop". Whatever the reason, he deleted the photographs - nothing i can do now.
Was only able to send msg on Facebook to the one daughter...my husband's alias was blocked from the daughter. Also already said that I exposed her on her own Facebook wall, but she also deleted it and has now deactivied her account completely.
Can't do the rest of the stuff you asked as there are no finances available.
My eldest daughter is adamant that i should divirce him, and is angry with me for being so weak as to try to restore our marraige

Sorry, the daughter of the OW blocked my husband's alias.

Have you read all of the information available?

Since you have listed all of the reasons that you CAN'T do something to save your marriage, can you tell me what you want any of us to help you with?

There is going to be a lot of things that you are going to have to do, but sitting around making excuses about the things that we are telling you that you need to do in order to help save your marriage is doing nothing to actually SAVE your marriage.

My suggestion? Click on the newly BS link in my siggy and read it. Read through ALL of the links. Figure out what you need help with, but understand that MB is an all or nothing type program. You can't hand pick what you will and won't do without bad consequences, mainly a D(although, honestly that may happen anyways, but using MB techniques, you will at least personally recover).

Your hudband is an active wayward. That means they are still in secret contanct and probably having sex.

He deleted the photos you had on your account so he could call you a liar if you exposed.
He is protecting the other woman and their affair. Not his wife or marraige.

He apparently shows no remorce nor shame for his actions.

This is a very brazen pair. In addition, your H had no problems mixing/using his "religion" to facilitate his A.

You are going to have to follow the directions EXACLTY to end this relationship.

You are not in recovery, not even close.

I am sorry that you are in this position.

Skip the details, get to the major points... then you can hash out details later.

1st, you need a PLAN.

Welcome to MB, sorry you are here.

Update: We completed the Emotional needs questionnaire last night - spent 2 hrs going through it. This morning he has been affectionate and loving. He is willing to continue to work through the other questionnaires on this site. I'm still on my guard and checking everything I possibly can. It'll be 3 weeks on the 18th June since their last contact from what i have found out. BTW...I am not making excuses at all...there really is no finances available for me to snoop in any other way then what i am doing. ONE DAY AT A TIME

Challicew,

How do your finances look post-divorce? You are headed there if you and your husband do not recover the marriage. The MB steps are simple, but not easy. The shortest synopsis:


1) End the affair. Never see or talk to the affair partner again. Expose the affair to those who can influence its end and support your marriage. None of this has been done.
2) Eliminate the circumstances/environment that allowed the affair to occur. WS must be completely open and honest and transparent with past, present and future thoughts and actions.
3) Create romantic love by avoiding lovebusters and meeting emotional needs. That is what you are trying to do with the questionnaires.

You are getting ahead of yourself because you had not done steps one and two. Until the affair has ended and there is complete transparency, you are spinning your wheels.

AM

AB.SO.LUTE.LY

You need to do ALL of the steps.

Also, does your WH know that you post here? Could he be reading what you are writing?

Chalicew, you're getting good advice. I'm new to MB also, and have made some of the same mistakes, trying to work on the wrong steps (EN questionnaire) first.

You cannot begin recovery work until you:

1) end affair
2) establish nc

It's good for you to read the articles about how to create a happy marriage; it may help YOU figure out what to do to create a warm, romantic environment where your husband will want to be. Don't expect to get any honest communication from WH, however, until he has severed all ties with OW--physical AND emotional.

Thank you for all the input.
1. WS does not know i post here, but does know that i have read data from this website...he would not know my password to see if i have posted here.
2. The affair has ended...it'll be 3 weeks on 18th June. He is not in contact at all from what i can tell from my snooping.
3. The affair has been exposed - to my daughters + son in law + to the OW daughters as well as her friend circle on Facebook. I chose not to expose to his elderly parents as his mom has just been diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung cancer and is terminal.
WS has been open about all past, present and future to the extent that he is willing for me to get itemised billing from his employer. I already have access to his cell itemised billing.
4. OW lives in another province 1200km away with her own husband.
5. WS is in contact with me right throughout each day and is home on time every evening.
6. We completed the Emotional needs last night and WS is trying today.
So...the first 2 steps were done before we tackled the emotional needs questionnaire.
I refuse to loose hope and all i can say is i am taking this one day at a time