Hi Everyone.. <P>I feel depressed. Wife and I are doing so good. She hugs/kisses me all the time. Tells me she loves me, calls from wherever she goes. She is making an effort at regaining my trust. I see the pain in her eyes when we talk about her affair but I have such a hard time letting go. <P>Part of the problem is my childhood. I was a neclected child to CrAcK addict mom and alcoholic dad, divorced parents. So there is no trust there. My W was the only person in my life I have ever confided in. I have forgiven my parents and I do have contact with them but there is no real relationship there.<P>I do believe my W when she says it's over. She is commited to rebuilding our marriage. She said she never stopped loving me and always felt attracted to me. She says the whole affair was her being insecure and stupid. I know it is very important for me to JUST LET GO or else the marriage will never heal. I know I need to put my faith in her again. I know all these things but still feel chicken.. bok bok bok... to trust her.<P>I have a great memory. I remember things from childhood vividly. I remember every single day and event from W whole affair. Things are still coming up in memory. I am obsessed with putting everything on a timeline. The whole affair was laid out on a timeline that covered a 4 month period. I have 2 issues that need to be resolved.<P>First issues<BR>1) Length of affair. <BR>Last March was when she told me she was thinking about a divorce because she was not happy. This is also when the OM started calling (according to W). My problem is How can W all of a sudden want a divorce as soon as OM started calling. This tells me the calls and emotional ties started way before March, maybe years who knows. One thing that came up was 3 YEARS AGO I did find a Birthday Card that said "GIRLFRIEND" in it from the same OM. Thats 3 years ago. This guy is a family friend, W did say at the time of me finding the card (3 years ago) that it was a joke. "GIRLFRIEND" as in "You Go Girlfriend". It sickens me to think that the affair consumed half my marriage. I have no proof of the affair being that long. Wife had a misscarriage and gave birth with in the same 3 year period. I can not imagine W being unfaithfull all that time BUT the card makes me think too much. It ties OM to W for at least 3 years.<P>Second Issue<BR>2) W clims it never went beyong kissing.<BR>During the 4 month affair, one night W came home from a stagette and her blouse was done up out of sequence. This meant she had her blouse off. I made note and left the issue. After discovery W admitted to seeing OM that night (night of stagette). My W claimed she was with him for 2.5 hours having coffee and chatting. I mentioned to W that I remember that night and your blouse was off that night. W claims she had to undo her blouse in womans washroom to hold it under the blow dryers to get the wrinkles out. The problem I have is W claims she never went pass kissing. No need to STD test. W claims she never went to motel/hotel or his place EVER. She said she was scared to go and felt uncomfortable with her body plus she was never really was attracted to OM (he is fat/bald/old/ugly).. lol BUT she would NEVER take her blouse off in a car or in public so I feel she did go to his place. I feel if she did go to his place then she would have had SEX. <P>I feel my W is protecting me from the truth. My imagination is worse. We are best of friends and she seems to feel comfortable talking about her feelings during the affair. I know if the affair was longer than what she claims or if she did have SEX with OM then she will NEVER tell me and I have NO WAY of finding out. So my options are to live the rest of my life having doubts which is causing pain or somehow accepting W version as the truth and start trusting her again (which is so hard).<P>Sorry for this being Sooo Loong, it feels real good to put it all down in writing.<P>Thanks for reading, please reply with some thoughts.

I have a great memory of incongruent details as well, and I HATE it.<P>My H, alledgedly didn't have sex either, but The opportunity was there on several occasions. On the other hand, I think he was walking away from relationship when I discovered because he knew he needed to get out of there before it became sexual. My H's affair was 10 kissy dates over about a month with a stranger that kissed him in a bar. Thank goodness she is a stranger and has no ties to our real life.<P>Other little things I'd love closure on, but not at the risk of opening up wounds. But I know how the mind can just stick on something, kind of like a spinning tire on gravel, no matter how hard you try to "let it go".<P>My H was origionally stingy with details to protect me from hurt. Bad plan. But in his mind I think he believes it shouldn't have happened, he's sorry it happened, no residual emotions for him (I don't think he even likes her), he does not hold me or our relationship accountable for what happened; therefore in his mind, why hurt me needlessly? <P>Not to be crude, but about your wife's blouse, could it just have been unbuttoned for a time and not really off, then rebuttoned without the benefit of a mirror? In other words, you wife could be leaving something out of the story, but the no sex part could still be true?<P>I know most will say just let it go, and of course you should. I am 90% less obsessive after 10 months of healing than I was after the first few months. I think reframing it in your mind is that their little "cloud" on the absolute truth does not equal lack of love or commitment in their own minds.<P>That's how I finally dropped it, at least pretty much dropped it.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

toronto, <P>You hit on the one point that is so hard for me and most others I assume - that being trust. It is so hard for me to trust again. <P>I'm not sure how exactly that is reestablished. I have heard that the betrayer has to deposit loads of trustworthy behavior, but I don't know. I think something is forever lost there which saddens me tremendously. <P>I don't think you just LET GO. You have to resolve these issues in your own mind. It sounds like you two talk about anything so maybe that will help you heal. Time will help too. <P>I have a question for you. What if her affair DID go beyond kissing. What if it was a full blown physical relationship? I imagine you have already thought of that as a possibility. Do you think your wife is affraid of telling you if it did happen? Perhaps she is fearful of how you would respond. Could you rebuild if you knew it was a full blown affair? OK, that's more than one question, but I'm interested to know how you would face things if indeed there was more to the affair that "just kissing".<P>Toronto, you can only deal with the information you are given. She seems to be telling you everything. She seems to be trying really hard to make the marriage work. Hopefully, she is being fully open and honest about it. There comes a time when you have to accept what she is saying as true. <P>Give it time and continue to work together in the rebuilding process. Hopefully, your marriage will be better for the both of you than it ever was.<P>SHA<P><p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited October 29, 1999).]

toronto,<BR>my H also confided in me I was his best friend, he wraped his world around me (but I didn't know it), I crushed his world when I had my affair. It ended 1 year ago today. since then we have worked on rebuilding our marriage and have put alot of work into ourselves. Much of what led to the affair was my own insecurities. My husband is a wonderful man and if it had not been for him staying in the marriage we would not have been able to figure out all of the wrongs we have done in our marriage. We have also done a great deal of work trying to become better people. My H did and still does have a hard time with letting go of what happend. I realize he has a right to his feelings and he has to deal with them anyway he sees fit. I will listen to him when he is having a down time and try understanding his anger and pain. I can't fix what happend but I can be their for him. Thats how I show my love and it sounds like your wife is doing the same. I hope that your wife does understand that she needs to tell you what you want to know about the affair to enable you to put your mind at rest, but if she dosen't you need to ask yourself if you can honestly live with the fact that she could be not telling you the whole truth. I was able to tell my H about the affair and I am glad I did. I did deny at first about the sexual part, but it didn't take me long to admit to it. (a few hours). I am so glad I did!!!! I love my H with every ounce of my exsistance and I never want to leave his side. People make misteakes but as long as they LEARN from them you can go on and become better people. Make good things come of a bad situation. I wish you the best!

toronto_m_29 -- Listening (reading) your story brought back some feelings and thoughts, I had almost forgotten. . .OK, I hadn't forgotten them at all, but I had tried to push them to the back of my mind.<P>I too have a very good memory regarding the events surronding my W's affairs, both Emotional/Internet and Physical. For months after discovery my W tried very hard to "hide" details from me so as not to hurt my feelings. Definitely not the way to restore honesty and trust.<P>I think the biggest thing that we all need to remember is that while we can and do regain trust for our wayward spouses, it will never be the same blind trust we once shared. It has been over seven months since discovery for me, and I have forgiven my W and have gotten to the point where I do trust her. That doesn't stop the subtle doubts sometimes though. If she goes to the store and is gone for an abnormally long time, I no longer immediately assume it was due to long lines or traffic, or simply not pay attention to the time. I have to conscienciously push the "questions" out of mind.<P>It sounds to me from the things you have said that your W is trying to help remove those doubts from your mind. This is a very good thing. Have you talked with your W about your two issues of concern? Have you explained to her that IF she is hiding things to protect you, that when you eventually do find out the truth, it will place you back to square one again?<P>This was a conversation my W and I had during one of our counselling sessions. I told my W and our counsellor that I honestly did not think I could go back to square one again. The analogy I gave was something to the effect of, my W having a "get out of jail free card" regarding these things right now. But that if she continued to hide things from me, that I did not know how I would react when I found out later.<P>It was not until after that session, that my W really started trying to open up to me. There are still some things which come up once in a while where I don't feel I was told the ENTIRE truth, but it is getting much better.<P>If you and your W are able to talk as openly as your post suggests, then maybe you should tell her your concerns. Maybe even print out and show her this thread. I think you did a very good job of explaining your feelings, and maybe the responses you receive will help your W to understand the magnitude of your concerns.<P>Good luck and keep us posted.<P>God Bless<p>[This message has been edited by Empty Shell (edited October 31, 1999).]