SusieQ, I couldn't have said it any better.

Indiegirl,

I am new here so someone feel free to slap me back if I'm wrong, but under no circumstances do I feel you should be dropping his bags off at mums for him. Put em at the curb. Text him they're there. If he hasnt come to get em by trash pickup day, well....

Word. Good post, Susie.

Bossy little cuss, isn't he. Silly wayward. He doesn't realize that he's not in charge now. You're not his mommy and you're not his delivery service, indie. Park that trash his things on the porch. Tell him he's got X number of days to get it and then you'll assume he doesn't want it and you will dispose of it accordingly.

Hey indie thinking of you how are you doing today?

Good thanks.

I dont think his behaviour is limited to the affair, so its not entirely just the behaviour of a wayward. My family have been telling me a few incidents of when hes made me think something is true when it isnt and they go way back. I think his behavior towards me changed with the affair, but though he loved me before he was never going to be honest with me.

He hasnt spoken to his brother for 15 years btw because his brother called him a liar. Thats it. He didnt even say 'youre a liar', my h said 'Are you calling me a liar' and his bro simply said 'yes'

For our entire marriage whenever i didnt take his word on faith, he'd say 'are you calling me a liar? remember i didnt speak to my brother for 15 years and i have no problem doing it to you'.

It never made me drop the subject but i definitely avoided questioning his honesty, hence the circular arguments.

We cant put his stuff on the curb bcause there are laws about doing that in the UK except on in collection days.

Plus theres torrential rain at the moment and he is desperately trying to find things to use to describe me to people as the bad guy. Im finding my dignity and remoteness is appearing to drive him crazy.

Sis sent him a text earlier demanding he name a collection time for his stuff this evening by 6pm. His reply was a rant

"Tell you what, since im the one being told I cant do things or go into my own house, you name a time. Im not 'carrying on' or anyting like that, im going abroad to work so i would appreciate the chance of coming to get my passport' Then he added 'Whoever is dropping the withheld number calls needs to get a grip'.

I cant think of anybody who would bother with that an feel sure it is a lie. Anyone outraged on my behalf would name themselves and GIVE HIM A PIECE OF THEIR MIND.



Sh

My sis text back 'well say 7pm then' to which he said he didnt need a chaperone and would come when im at work tomorrow

Wasnt thrilled with this, but said ok, i wont be here but i will watch from my cousins across the way to make sure he doesnt take anything big or has the locks changed on me.

Any small things i dont want him to have will be removed


If he doesnt show, the locks are being changed tomorrow anyway so he will have to name a time and ahve a chaperone if he wants his gear

Whats a plan B letter

Also , have i mentioned OW had a falling out with the husband of another friend?

If I remember rightly she complained he wasnt 'opening up to her' and talking through his feelings about the death. His wife gave her a piece of her mind an said 'he talks to me about it' but remaned friends, though hubby and OW did not.

After messaging people, including this other wife, on FB, she repled 'Very serious accusation! YOu should be 110 per cent sure before posting on FB!'

But she didnt say she didnt believe it.And her husband has just added me as a friend!!

When his stuffs out of here and the locks are changed, the pics of the texts and the details of the hotel receipt are going up for all to see.

Indie,

What will you gain by doing that? You have already exposed.

Hey, I am on your side here ... but this looks spiteful to me.

You are the classy one here. Take yourself out of the drama.

Hey Indie, please take time to read the plan B information on this site (someone please help put a link to it as i have no idea how to do that), but here is the condensed version.

Plan B means you cut off all contact with your WH, you dont ask about what he is doing, you dont talk to him and you dont see him in any way shape or form until he agrees to cut off all contct with the OW and commit to marriage by being honest about what he has been up to.

This is done so you can have the space and time you need to heal and so that you can perserve any love you have for him from being further destroyed by his actions abd to show him of the reality of life without you.

You write him a letter (many samples on here) basically saying you love him but cannot live under the conditions you are in. You have to make it clear that you love him and want your marriage to work and that you are cutting him off for the good of the marriage as his behaviour is damaging any chances of reconciliation and you dont want any part of that.

Then you name a intemediary who is neuteral and is your WH point of contact should he want to talk to you about anything relating to marriage, finances etc (as you will have to block his number and any ways he might be able to contact you directly). This IM (intermediary) has to do a bit of reading on here so they can undertsand their role. That person needs to be prepared to filter through any harmful contact and pass on only the relevant information.

A plan B has to be done well and adhering to all the relevant rules or it will be useless.

good luck

I also wonder if maybe you should have someone drop his things at his mom's. That way he is not in your home and you don't have to spy from across the street.

Sure he should pick it up himself, but avoiding all this drama will help you more.

My heart aches for you !

I have her support an she is spreading the word to other relatives who have contacted me with condolences. Shes a bit scared of him though, never pulls him up. Hes staying there (or rather his stuff will be while he waltzes in and out) but she is refusing to talk to him. mealtimes must be fun.

Hang in there indie,

Stay true to yourself.

((((HUGS))))

I suppose its plan new life rather than plan B then.

I havent told him its over or that I want a divorce, just to get his stuff out and not contact me. That is because I urgently need to protect myself from mental abuse.

I havent gone further because its so new and I want to be smart. However I think I will want a divorce

Not angry, not upset, even thinking his going abroad will be amazing for him

I couldnt honestly write that I want the mariage to work or that I love him. My illusion of him is bust to pieces. I just feel detachment and a horror of ever being under his thumb again

I think her kids grandparents will have a better idea of what is in store for their relationship with their beloved godfather

I also seem to have alerted another married friend of hers about a danger from OW

However they are unsure and my word is being questioned on a few fronts. The denial from the two of them is massive. They say my relationship has been troubled for years becase I am too angry and H cant be around me much
This has led to my misinterpreting an innocent text from the two of them
He stayed the night in a cheap hotel to get away from me one evening

In fact it was a super duper romantic getaway deal that I had suggested he and I go on.

I can totally understand how you are feeling I was responding to your question about what a plan B letter is. You wont be able to decide much right now as everything is very raw. Just look after yourself and know its ok and normal to be lost and confused so soon after DDay.

Was this OW even ever faithful to her own H before he passed?? by the sound of it she is latching on to everyones husbands

Who knows?

Its just helpful if you can dig any dirt on her, many BS on here hired a PI to get info on OW in order to pass info to their WS in the aim to help them wake up and smell the coffee and see what they are willing to throw their marriage over.

Beginning to waver. Still feel very unsure about a plan B letter am I damaging my options by maintaining no contact and not telling him anyting.

Also, feel the exposure isnt complete without the details of the texts and receipt. Theyre still wriggling out of it.

Lots of people i didnt expose to are asking me to FB them too.