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Indie its a hard one to call as what they are doing is so wrong its hard to get your head around it. She was your close friend and widowed, he is your H. If one of my friends was in the same situation you are in it would take a few minutes to aborb what is going on and I wold be asking "Are you sure about this" probably a million times. But being on MB and having read lots of A stories you begin to realise how it is more than possible.
Give your friends a chance to absorb the information you have just given them. Get your facts clear and straight.
The messages you have are inappropriate by a long shot but your going to need further evidence to get the full story of whats going on thats why I wasnt sure it was a good idea to kick him out before you have a good chance to do proper surveillance once the monitoring eqipment arrived.
Are you willing to consider the PI? Has he picked up his stuff yet?
BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months
Divorced
Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.
If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.
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Get this!!! Hes been told not to contact me by my sis. facebook messaged me an hour ago.
Since Facebook is your chosen method of communication nowadays - who's in the house needs sorting out.
If you're in it and that's why I'm being told not to go there & when I'm allowed to get my stuff fair enough. But If you're staying in your ma's then I may as well stay there. I will be continuing to pay my part of the bills till its sold or whatever is decided, just so you know.
Chances are I'm away soon anyway as I have a interview lined up. Despite what you think I'm not having an affair, so now I have nothing to keep me here. Whatever you think, you can think.
I'm not going to argue, despite being told to fight my corner, whoever has taken sides off the back of one side of a story can do as they wish. I've also have asked no one to try to take sides. Group messages and what not are not for me.
I'll forward this to your sis so she can reply, with your either in the house or not.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months
Divorced
Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.
If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.
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If one of my friends was in the same situation you are in it would take a few minutes to aborb what is going on and I wold be asking "Are you sure about this"
Give your friends a chance to absorb the information you have just given them. Get your facts clear and straight. Exactly. Give them a chance to get their heads around it. I am not sure that posting the texts and hotel receipts on the internet is a good idea. But that is just me.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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Beginning to waver. Still feel very unsure about a plan B letter am I damaging my options by maintaining no contact and not telling him anyting. A few days in the dark will not damage any of your options. He had you in the dark for a few years. What about the plan B letter are you feeling unsure about?
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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Right now, if he said 'ok , i agree non contact and i agree to all conditions, i would say - hmm dont know if i want to forgive you, why did i even give you the letter offering?'
I was attracted to hm because he appeared so frank and honest
I also liked his intelligience and loyalty to helping friends, though of course my faith in these traits has also been bruised!
So emotionally, my love bank balance is empty. Intellectually i dont know what i could possibly see in him.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Get this!!! Hes been told not to contact me by my sis. facebook messaged me an hour ago.
Since Facebook is your chosen method of communication nowadays - who's in the house needs sorting out.
If you're in it and that's why I'm being told not to go there & when I'm allowed to get my stuff fair enough. But If you're staying in your ma's then I may as well stay there. I will be continuing to pay my part of the bills till its sold or whatever is decided, just so you know. Sounds like things may not be so good at mom's. This is part of the reality of life without you. Indie, you have no chance of turning this around until he sees and feels this reality first hand.
Chances are I'm away soon anyway as I have a interview lined up. Despite what you think I'm not having an affair, so now I have nothing to keep me here. Whatever you think, you can think.Do you remember when Clinton said this on "NATIONAL TV"?
I'm not going to argue, despite being told to fight my corner, whoever has taken sides off the back of one side of a story can do as they wish. I've also have asked no one to try to take sides. Group messages and what not are not for me. Blah blah
I'll forward this to your sis so she can reply, with your either in the house or not. Indie, Set your conditions to remain in the M. Decide if you will do mini plan A before going into Plan B. Get your plan together. You need a plan or you will go crazy trying to figure out what to do. Stand your ground. Stay strong.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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No problem standing my ground - but which piece of ground do I want?
1)Go away and never darken my door again you gaslighting eejit
2) commit to sorting yourself out this marraige and jump a high bar and I can look at letting you back in?
Conditions I would insist on:
1) no contact with ow for life
2) no contact with friends who supported the a for life
3) a lie detecter test so i could know everything about affair and about who supported it
4) policy of joint agreement in everything
5) agrees its acceptable to point it out when he lies
6)Complete forgiveness of his brother to show me he can accept when he is wrong - got to give f to receive it
7)complete transparency in everyhing - accounts statements access to all passwords
8) completing marriage building counselling course
9) children
Would these go in the leter?
Is it an acceptable alternative to direct him to this site to understand better his own behaviour?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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That's not a bad list but without plan a ing him don't know what incentive he has to consider this list. Right now he's in the dog house big time but thinks he's right and justifies his bad conduct based on the fact that he considers you at fault ( for waterer delusional reason he can think of) so there really isn't much reason for him to agree to anything (I know marriage vows should count but as he has already broken these they don't right now).
If you plan a him ( carrot and stick plan) you give him a glimpse of what life can be like if he agrees to give up his crack addiction ( aka POSOW ).
As poker said you need to start deciding on a plan as being lost as you are right now will drive you crazy.
Do not under any circumstances tell him about this site until you can trust him not to use it as a weapon against you. If he reads your thread he will find out about the monitoring equipment etc and if you decide to try to save the marriage you will still need to snoop to make sure NC is in place.
Where are you at with him picking up his stuff??? Have rep yes to his fb message?
BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months
Divorced
Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.
If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.
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No still maintaining no contact.
DOnt even know how id plan a him at this point - a cheery lets still be friends?
Like i said i balk at even hinting at doing more.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Right now, if he said 'ok , i agree non contact and i agree to all conditions, i would say - hmm dont know if i want to forgive you, why did i even give you the letter offering?' You won't forgive him yet. That has to be earned...and you will be giving him the chance to earn it. That's all.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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Sis called him, offered he could come round now as IAM here
said hed come tomorrow
i will be spying.
if he takes the laptop or anything, i will NEVER forgive
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Think ~I will let the experience of him taking his stuff away sink in.
I still really want to put the texts on facebook IS THIS SUCH A BAD IDEA REALLY!!!!
Then in a few days see if i want to do plan a or b
have some plans with friends fixed up meantime, theyll see me right.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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indie, you'll be better able to make a decision when you understand your options. Do you understand Plans A and B and what they entail? I think a link was posted to you, but I'll post it again: What are Plans A & B? Understand that Plan B is designed for your well-being. It is not intended as punishment toward your WH. (Although any discomfort he may feel by not having contact with you will be a natural thing he's going to have to deal with.) It may or may not bring your wayward home. It is for your emotional safety. Here's an example of a Plan B letter from SAA, tweak to fit your sitch: My Dear wayward's name here,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with POSOW's name here possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.
I am willing to avoid the mistakes I�ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with POSOW once and for all.
Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friend friend's name here has agreed to act as an intermediary for any communication you may need to get to me. I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with POSOW, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with her. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.
As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from POSOW and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.
I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other�s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.
I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Skank.
With my love,
indie Write up a draft and let us see it before you send it.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Make sure you are a home when he comes he must not have access to the house or remove anything without you knowing or agreeing first.
If you are out take the laptop with you plus any items you require or store them at your brothers house.
Last edited by Xau; 06/15/11 03:15 PM.
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I still really want to put the texts on facebook IS THIS SUCH A BAD IDEA REALLY!!!! Is this you talking or revenge? Revenge usually backfires. Take your computer with you !!
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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Posts: 11,650
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hes sent a text saying he needs things off the computer.
Though i coul leave a note saing - write list here of what you want emailed.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Im scared of trusting him. Feel giving him plan a or plan b is akin to giving trust (tho i know its not) Want a reason to either trust or not trust him. His giving me something to gain a footing on (stopping the lies) would be pro trust, his taking the laptop would cement decision to not bother
im really tired
with my love balance empty being single seems shiny and fun
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Indie,
I'm curious....where "abroad" does your WH think he is going to go and find work?
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I do understand the plans - just a motivation prob
DO I WANT him do i even want to suggest I MIGHT still want him - after all hes done?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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