not much except hundreds of texts to her for every one of mine

good mornings

hellos

how are yous

love yous

day sharing

things they purposefully starved me of to keep me in my place

indie, this is the hardest thing you will ever have to do.

You CAN do it. Right now ... just breath.

((((HUGS))))

Okay. So the business of 'we love each other like friends' won't fly here, and they know it. You've confirmed what it is you're dealing with. I'm sorry it's what we feared, but now you know for sure and can plan accordingly.

Don't concern yourself with making lifetime decisions right now. Just get through today. I know how bad you're feeling right now, but that feeling won't last, I promise you. You're doing well, indie!

Indie

Just breathe for now. Keep coming back. Sorry this has played out like this.

Just want you to know we support you and are here for you.

In my own journey as a FWH I know the past shame, remorse, regret I felt for having caused so much pain to the person I promised to love and forsake all others.

Now as a BH I know the support of this group and how they have been there and done that-got the T-shirt.

Many of us read along and don't comment unless we can add something.

Just know we are here for you and support you. You can make it through this.

(((((Indie))))))

nESRE

oh Indie im so sorry your going through this, please look after yourself and take time to think about what you want to do, your raw right now so its not a good time to make any permanent decisions.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are.

im not going to contact him at all. saw him earlier to give him back his phone - after giving some (what I thought were friends)an ear bashing for sending him messages of support. he said snottily 'and im not going to delete anything, i just need it for work' I said 'ive seen all i need to see' iwas in good shape when in front of him.

Have had a tonne of goodwill though from f&f.

Of course I will come back, I love you all like family. God knows where I would be without you.

I am just doing what I have to do. One day at a time.

I dont see him in my future though at all.

the bin bags are being done. my bro will text him to come get when hes finished work after midnight.

Indie can you clarify as to why these friends are sending him messages of support? and what did they have to say for themselves when you brought it up with them??

Also what is the OW doing now? is she denying everything?

Also just to ask why are you packing his bags for him, in my opinion he should be made to pack his bags himself give him 1 hour in the house alone to get his stuff together while your not there. I think he should go through that experience in order to get the feeling of loss he needs to feel right now.

Im not sure kicking him out is the best option but if thats what you decided to do then atleast let him pack his own stuff up.

Just to add in with what Nesre said, there are others following you and sending huge amounts of support too.

FWIW I think it's fine that you are packing his bags, it sends a huge message of.....ENOUGH.

Breathe, treat yourself and as I am also in the UK, enjoy the sunshine we had today, should be a lovely evening, go for a walk, have something good to eat and try to get some sleep hun.

I need to clear out his stuff. dont know why

I just dont want the relationship.

Friends 'just asking if hes ok' but they didnt ask me that.

Said our relationship was our business, why doing it on DFs bday.

I said they texted on DF's bday and it wasnt just 'our business' at our wedding.

Feel my poor friend would be sorry to be alive today

Emphasis mine.

indiegirl, I've been following along. As nESRE said, not chiming in unless I feel I can add something - and that bolded statement prompted me to tell you:

Their affair is not about you. It is about their own selfish entitlement, their blinders to anyone else's pain and suffering, and the infidels getting their next fix.

Do not judge yourself or your self-worth by their amoral actions. Know that you are above that - your integrity and worth is nowhere near being soiled by their adultery.

Are you able to pull off a Plan A for a few days and then enter Plan B? You can even do Plan A from afar(meaning he won't be living with you). Have you told him that you are kicking him out? Is it done already? If not, I would even suggest you not do it until you are ready to go into Plan B.

I know that you may not believe this, but we all understand how you are feeling right now. We all went through this on DDAY and that is what today is for you. All you want to do is get away from the pain as fast as you can. Thing is, you might not feel the same way in a couple of days. That's why everyone is telling you to breathe. It is a VERY hard thing to do, but one you won't regret.

If you have told him to get out, then I would suggest that you write a Plan B letter today, and get it up here for people to help edit. Then, in a couple of days, get it to him and go dark as night.

(((((Indiegirl))))) from across the pond.

Stay strong and stay around...

You are a fabulous and brave woman! Kudos to you for getting that phone, getting the truth, and also getting the FB exposure done!

I know you're mentally exhausted and weak right now, but be with your friends and family and send him on his way. I think plan B is nice for now, until YOU decide WHAT YOU WANT TO DO WITH HIM. He doesn't get a say. INDIE SAYS NOW!

What he and the skankho did was called gaslighting. That is a sad form of abuse I went thru too, with my xwh when the ws and even possibly the op both or single-ly scheme to make you think you didn't hear/say/see what you thought you did. An insidious form of mental abuse imho.

Here's an example of what I went thru. My bff saw and took pics of my then wh's car in the driveway at the ow's rutting lair (aka her ho house). I saw the pictures. My bff made me see them. Within minutes of being caught, my xwh comes home and has a bag from the Nike store at the mall and another bag of my favorite candy (gummi bears) with him. He claims the whole time he was at the mall. He wasn't THAT CAR at that woman's house. Ooooh nooooo. He denied and denied and tried to make me think that it was not really him. My bff got fed up came over, and showed me the ONE pic I needed to see. The one where it showed his car tag on the back of the car. No mistaking it, it was him.

That is gaslighting. When they try to make you think you're nuts or that you're making things up or that you're crazy for trying to find out information about them (cheating of course).

Please just feel the warmth and love of your family right now and make decisions later. What is important is YOU GOT THE TRUTH OUT. YOU are amazing and brave!

Living in the shadows thinking something is always wrong, walking around on eggshells b/c something isn't feeling right is no way to live. You knew inside something was happeneing and you discovered it. Good for you!

I know you aren't even thinking of this now, but if you ever decide to let WH come home, it has to be 100 percent on MB terms and the affair with the ho has to END FOREVER. NC forever. And also nc with any "friends" who may have enabled the affair too, for they are no friend of the marriage.

YOu blew up her little imaginary love story! Awesome! YOu may have killed the affair right now. But again, all is up to you now. Only you have the power to decide to do anything at all from this point in the marriage forward. Praying for you too.

Normally I'd agree w/Scotty on this one, but you have been going thru mental trauma with the excessive gaslighting, and I think you should just go to plan B and hand him the letter or send it to him in a few days from now when he has had time to think about all the bad things he has truly done.

I don't think you should be exposed continually or any more to somebody who is conspiring willingly with the ow to mentally abuse you. I think it's time for plan B.

That is just how i feel. Been realising today hes been doing it a long time, too. longer than i had thought. If he had made one concession to honesty, one piece of regret, I would have gone plan A. But I just thnk I deserve better. Lets see where the rollercoaster leads me tomorrow though.

His response to bros text not to contact me and to pick up his bags was he had no intention of contacting me and 'to just drop them off' at his mums.

Considering an appt reply to that, only reason they werent on the doorstep was i thought it was more dignified.

Ok. You're doing great.

And put those bags not on the doorstep, BUT AT THE CURB!

How long has this been going on sweetie? it's ok. How long has their affair been going on?

I would expect it's now going to die a nasty and miserable death that most affairs do when exposed to truth and light of day now.

Anyway, when you feel like it, get the plan B letter ready, and send it to him in a few days. LET HIM STEW right now. Let the two affairmongers try to figure out how to lie their way out of this corner, and it probably won't work, whatever they try.

And if anybody asks you, make it ugly. Say it in all its' ugliness for the world to find out. MAKE IT HARD FOR THE AFFAIR. Make trouble for it! Geez, I am so mad right now that you were gaslighted like that.

Just remember, only you can choose from this point forward. HE GETS NO SAY. It is 100 percent YOU driving this now. OW doesn't get a say, but will get a big kick in her butt now from the truth, and hopefully from some family and friends who know her and see how awful her actions are.

You just relax now. You are going to be ok. You don't let them talk to you and you go NC with this ow from now on, unless you have to bring her to court for something. She is beyond toxic and scary.

Unless WH agress to go NC for life with ow and end the affair permanently agreeing to do all MB suggested recovery steps (including becoming totally transparent) YOU STAY DARK. You ignore him. You stay in plan B.

He said to drop stuff at his mums but Would his mum support him now she know he has had an A? Have you exposed to her yet?.

If you have decided to go all out Plan B then do it. Write the letter and have it sent to him. I know that he said he wasn't going to contact you anyways. Par for the courase and typical wayward. Once you hand him(or send him via email) the Plan B letter then you need to change your phone numbers and email addys. Be prepared for him to try to break Plan B

You need to have a Plan and not decide things based on your emotions or what your WH is or isn't doing. So, I suggest that you get an I'm and go dark.

Sorry you are going through this, hon {{{{indie}}}}

I just wanted to add that...it's not the best time to make a decision to go to Plan B on dday. I went to Plan FU on dday and a few days later after the dust had settled I had a change of heart.

Just remember that your H is WAYWARD ~ it is not your H. When my H was being very cold and foggy, I HATED him. When I saw glimmers of my DH poke through, I quickly remembered that I did love him and would like the M to work out. I would just hate for you to make this decision when he is so foggy. If you expose and give it a few days, you may see a little of your DH and feel different than you do right now....

I ALWAYS think a BS should expose the affair and do even a mini Plan A (even if only for a few days!) before moving to Plan B. That way you can look back and know you gave your M the best shot you could have and not have any "what if" regrets...

Sorry if I am rambling. That's what happens when I post when I am tired Whatever you decide, we will support you. Hang in there.