My husband (married 9 years) walked out on me and my three kids, ages 2, 8, and 11, the beginning of this year. Within the first week he took them to see the OW that he swore he didn't have and told them not to tell me. Within 2 weeks I had a lawyer, filed for divorce so that I could have exclusive domain of the house, and went to domestic relations for spousal/child support. A few weeks after that we had a temporary custody agreement which we are still following.

I never had a chance to do much of plan A as he moved in with her right away. I guess I'm kind of in plan B, but never sent the letter, and he is under the impression that "no amount of marriage counseling would ever make me want to be with him". He wasn't asking for any at the time, just accusing me of trying to get some because I told him the kids' counselor wants us to have some co-parenting counseling. I barely talk to him, and recently went down to emails only. I knew I still loved him, but I was pretty sure I was done because of all the typical, terrible things WH's say and do. Until last week....

She left him because she couldn't deal with all of "this". He started calling me and now he's being all nice and taking back some of the terrible things he said/did during this time. He is not begging for me to come back. He's moping around about her. We talk here and there, and I try to avoid it sometimes. A whole flood of emotions have come back. Things I have tried to ignore this whole time just trying to survive.

So last night I was at Vacation Bible School and when I got home I had a voice mail that said he would like to talk to me, but if it was too late he understood. I did not call back, but I left him a text today saying that I would let the kids call him tonight on their cell phone (one of our power struggles). I was trying to offer a olive branch so to speak. He said sounds good, thanks for letting me know. Then I texted him and apologized for not calling him back, that I was tired, but wanted to know what he wanted to talk to me about. That's been hours ago. He normally gets back to me pretty quickly (granted he's at work). Now I'm sitting here panicking, and I don't like that feeling.

So where am I in these steps, if I do want to reconcile? What should I do? Feel free to ask anything.

Well.
I think you should stay on your course.
He and OW may be back together or soon be. Affairees often break up many times before they ever do for good. It is part of the drama of the fantasy. Part of the manipulation of each other to get more passion going.

Ride this out with your minimal contact.

Let him do any moves your way and not vice versa at this point.

He doesn't have a clue what he is doing and you don't have to guide him your way.

Meanwhile, study up on marriage builders concepts so that you can deal with him to decide if you want to recover if he and OW are ever truly over.

dmh, I would take it very slowly. Just because they broke up last week does not mean its over by a long shot. It just means they had a fight. There really is no there "there" right now.

I definitely would advise you to take it slow. And whatever you do, for the time being, don't stop the D process. Some waywards are notorious for trying to reconcile just before a D and then never end the A. See for the most part, WHs are cake eaters whixh means that he wants to have you both meeting his needs. That is one of the reasons that Plan B is so important because it makes the WS realize what a one on one relationship with the OP is really going to be like. Grass isn't always greener.

Have you thought about calling the radio show or coaching center?

Hi there,

I wouldn't take him back even it that is what he wants, this man is very confused and not acting like a husband that loves his wife, his girlfriend broke up with him and he is hurting reaching out to you because you are what he knows, I would suggest Plan Aing him but not letting him back into your life for now, he needs to work through his own feelings before he can come back.
For your kids sake don't let him go back and forth........they probably had a fight and time will tell if that relationship is really over.........
Remember this man is a liar and he will cover up what ever he has to so he can save his a**.
I would put together a plan for yourself and put boundaries in place......get your list of needs and wants together.........if he isn't willing to have NO CONTACT with the OW. Complete transparency with his communication devices, whereabouts.........and if he can't put together a plan for recovery then it will never work.......
Think about what you want and need and think about what you can do here, can you forgive him, do you still feel the same about him..
Is this the best situation for you? your children?
Make him do the work, let him show you he is committed.
jessi

I think what you need to ask yourself is "Did the affair end because he really wants to be with you or does he just want to be with you because the affair has ended." If you have any doubt at all that he is committed to you and making it work then don't risk the pain for you ar the children untill you are sure. He needs to do a lot more to get you back than just break up with her for a while.

The affair didn't end because he wanted to be with me. He does NOT want to be with me. I thought I didn't want to be with him, until that happened and he started being nice. It's a lot easier to move on when someone is treating you badly. Albizia, your thread is the first one I read on here and it just reminded me so much of what I had gone though since January of this year. I thought he was nuts and that was why he had some of his behavior, but after reading around here it seems to be the typical behavior of WH. There are a LOT of other things that being a WH cannot explain away, and that's where I am stuck. I love him, but I'm not sure he's good for us. Actually, he's NOT good for us unless he does a whole lot of changing. Changing I'm not sure he's even capable of. I just wonder if I should be doing any of these plans (particularly plan A)so that he knows there still could be an "us", but in the meantime try to figure out what I really want/need. I don't want to push him away even more than I already have.

I have never called the show. I've never even heard of this place until yesterday morning. I'm still exploring.

IMHO, if you are in a sort of Plan B, I would suggest that at a minimum, you stay there. DrH says that in a relationship, the man is the one who should do the chasing. That is one of the reasons that he has suggested that BHs Plan A for so long.

If he were to recover with you, do you have a list of requirements for you to give him a chance? Number one on that list should be No Contact FOR LIFE with OW. Take a look around at other threads, and look at your own sitch and try to figure out what it is he would have to do. Write it down, and then when he talks to you about it, you should send him an email with a few minimum things that he would need to do before you would even consider it.

Scotland, thank you for your input (thank you to everyone!). Is there a sample list of requirements anywhere? I'm trying to find one, and I'm not having any luck. I have a good idea what I would like on it, but I'd like to see what other people have put on theirs.

Does anyone think I should be writing that letter, or am I well past that stage?

Do you have Surviving the Affair book?

Here's the recipe for sustaining Romantic Love (these are just my notes from coaching session)
1. CARE: meeting each other's emotional needs
2. PROTECTION: no tolerance of lovebusters
3. TIME: atleast 15 hours of undivided attention EACH WEEK
4. Radical Honest
5. POJA (decisions TOGETHER)
6. EXCLUSIVE need meeting: no opposite sex friendship
7. No contact with past lovers (travel together ALL the time, no overnights without each other)

REMEMBER YOU'RE GOING AGAINST STATISTICS

But there's even a better one that HerPapaBear listed and I think we'll revise our list to be specific as this one...here's the link

So I am reading sexymamabear's thread and her emotions remind me so much of mine. I'm not even close to the end of the thread, but I see that it ended up working out. This gives me hope. I see my anger and not wanting to work it out was just like the emotions she was going through. I said/say some of the things she said. So I need to just admit I would like this to work. I just don't even know where to begin. I don't see plan D listed anywhere, but from what I'm reading in hers I'm in the middle of that as well. I think I've screwed up a lot, though. There is no exposing the affair. They did that themselves when he moved out and moved in with her. Is there anything I can do? Like I said in the beginning, please feel free to ask any questions you like.

Also, with the exposure, I hate saying this, but both of their families are trash and having an affair and saving a marriage mean nothing to them. He lost his job fraternizing with her, and now he finally has a new job. There just wasn't a whole lot to expose in the first place.

I called my husband this morning. When the girl first left he said that he was tired of all the fighting and he just wants to work with me through this divorce. He told me that he would do anything he could for me to have the house. I was shocked and didn't really think much about it until this morning. So I called him this morning and asked him if he was serious. He said, "Yes, I want you and the kids to have the house." For a long time he didn't want me to have anything at all. I was kind of shocked to hear the word "you" in there. So I said I'd call the loan people today. After getting off the phone, I'm wondering what the catch is. So I call my lawyer and she said if he signed off, it would be mine, but his lawyer is never going to let him do that. (I really don't think he's going to tell his lawyer from how he sounds.) Then she said she is going to draft a property agreement for me to look over so she can send it to his lawyer. I told her in all honesty I'm not ready to do this yet. That I didn't even want this divorce, but I got it so I could have exclusive domain of the house. She said I have an obligation to move forward with this. I told her that I would like to get the house in my name, then drop the divorce and she said that I can't do that because of spousal support or something like that. I feel like I'm being bullied. I don't want my marriage to end. Do you think this is something I need to do as part of plan B? I'm so afraid he doesn't even know I want to make it work. I'm so afraid to tell him because I don't want to lose any leverage. I'm so afraid of being hurt even more than I already am. I need some kind of plan and I don't even know where to start.

My opinion is strictly from a practical point of view.

GET THE HOUSE IN YOUR NAME.
ACCEPT THIS OFFER.

In the long and short, you can always remarry... but nothing will happen while he is actively wayward.

Well, I called the house people and they won't let me apply to get it in my name until I make it current and stay that way for 6 months. I'm behind because when he left, he didn't give me any money. I didn't start getting money until I applied for child/spousal support. Then I worked up an agreement where they split up the back balance between 24 months and added it to my monthly payment.

Here's where I am with my husband. He's talked to me two nights straight. The first night he told me that he wouldn't be able to take the kids for Father's Day like he had agreed to because he doesn't have gas money. I sat there for a few seconds quiet, and he said that's not going to go over well with the kids is it? I said how about for their "gift" they make you a picnic lunch and I meet you at the park (which is way closer to where he is). I didn't expect him to say yes. I figured "no gas" as just an excuse to spend time with her. He jumped on it and was excited to go. So now here I am going to spend time at the park with him and the kids. The first time since he never came home that awful night in January. After we made those plans, I asked him if he wanted to talk to the kids (I try to get off the phone as soon as possible) and he asked if he was going to get to talk to me again. I didn't expect that. I said, I guess if you want to. Then last night he texted me again and said to call me if I had time after VBS. I called him and instead of getting of the phone quickly like normal, I forgot and ended up talking to him for an hour. When I realized what time it was I got off quickly. I don't know how to feel about any of this. I think it might be good, because when he left I was done, and he knew it. I tried to be as civil as possible, but there were about 3 or 4 phone conversations that got nasty. I've done so much of the plan B that there's nothing more really to smack him with except for the paper on how to split the assets. Are you guys saying that this is just too far down the road to do anything about? He's not made any statements about coming home. Clearly he's getting something from me though. Maybe he's just lonely. I just don't know. I really wish I had found this site so much sooner. :o(

LOL

Your WH is so generous he volunteers to sign over a house that is in arrears.
Why didn't you say so when you first posted about the house?

You are not now, nor have you ever been, in PLAN B.
I'm not judging, simply giving you a fact.
Do what you want with the fact.



No one is saying that.


Statements are all hot air anyway.
Has he ended his affair for good?
That's the statement you need to listen for.
Not a desire to "come back home" .... and be a pain in the butt if he's still having an affair.
If he came home tomorrow, his attitude would not have changed.
He'd make you even more miserable, sooner or later.

He needs to change his wayward attitude in order to be worthy of you.


100% agree.
You are meeting several of his needs.
WHICH IS WHY (we know for a fact) YOU ARE NOT NOW, NOR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN PLAN B!!!

Plan B you meet NONE of his needs and he experiences life without you.



Stop speculating his motive.
That will drive you nuts.
It is not strategic to ponder a waywards motives.
Waywards are selfish and lazy.
There.
That's enough of WH analysis.


Have you clicked the carrot/stick link in my sig line?
Real all of it.

You have no plan.
You are just waiting to see what your selfish & lazy WH will do next.

That's no plan.
So, what do you want from the forum?

Your thread title says it all .....

I didn't know it mattered. I figured they'd re-write the loan. I'm sorry.