Last week I posted that W and I were getting divorced for "protective" reasons on my part. That hasn't happened yet, but here's the deal.<P>My son had a field trip today and W wanted to know if she could stay the night so she wouldn't have to get up so early and drive to the house. I said ok, asked her what time she got off work and what time she would be there. She said she got off at 9:00 and would be there by 10:30. (OM comes by when she gets off so he can see her) <P>Time passes and it goes well past 10:30, this bothers me. Not only because I feel she lied but because I worry. If she's staying elsewhere I don't as much because I don't know, but when I do and she doesn't show I get scared something has happened.<P>She shows up at 2:30am, apologizes for being so late, and tells me she got talked into going out with her 21 year old brother and throwing eggs at people walking down the street. Is this not stupid? She is 22, married, has three kids with one on the way. She drives her car with her plates on it for everyone to see and throws eggs at people. What is the deal here?<P>Someone explain the rational behind this. Thanks<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

Paul how old are you? Your wife is 22 and has three children. How old was she when you got married? I'm not really being nosey but I think your answers will have me answer your questions?<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

I am 25, she is 22. We got married when I was 18 and she was 15. We ran off together. It will be 7 years in Jan. Yes, we were very much in love.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

Hi Paul<P>Sorry buddy.. But I am 29 and I just got my Nipple Pierced.. LOL <P>Throwing eggs is fun.. I have 2 kids, married 8 years.. never threw any eggs in a long long time but hey.. Halloween is here, I just may chuck a few eggs this weekend.<P>Sure maturity is not there or is it just being fun? Losen up, your W lost her teen years, she missed out on a lot of wreckless fun. Sure she should be carefull but it is meaningless fun. Don't think too much about what she does anymore. Everything she does will seem wrong right now. She is a different person, she feels young and free. As long as it is not illegal, and her kids are safe then enjoy life.

I'm not putting you down. But I think she has missed her childhood. 15 is very young to be married and start raising a family. I think she is has been overwhelmed with her responsibilities and looking back feels she has missed something. And there is no way around it she has. Think about what 15 years olds are doing. She is trying to get back what she missed. Yes throwing eggs is stupid but that is exactly what a teen ager would do and not think about the consequences. I would also bet most of her friends are unmarried or if married no children. She is beginning to feel that she missed out when she got married so young. I don't think this has to do with love but a feeling that she missed out and she wants to get it back. You are part of the reason she missed out so she is taking it out on you. She wants no responsibility. She want to see what she has missed. I know I am rambling but I think you need to realize that this is a big part or all of your problem with your relationship with your W. Am I making sense, I hope so. I think faster then I can type then I lose my train of thought trying to get my fingers to hit the right keys. <P>I worry about my daughter feeling like she missed something but she was 19 when she got married and now has two children and she will be 24. Hope this gives you some insight.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

I am 26, be 27 in Jan! I had my first child at 18, married at 19 and my H is 6 years my senior and I have been the sane rational one in this whole marriage. So it has nothing to do with age but, maturity level and that only comes with time and experience. <BR>Sorry there is no way to make her mature!<BR>FYI I had my car egged 2 weeks ago by a 13, 14, 16 and 19 yr old. We caught them. THe 19 yr old went to jail because he is considered and adult. Had to be bailed out. THe kids were brothers and had to call their parents from Juvenile Court! Now they are paying $700.00 to have my car repainted. and the 19 year old has a record for egging a car!!!!<BR>Anyway .. I didn't help, but like the above responses, it's not you or her age, it's maturity and the thought that she missed something! FOrtunately for me I have always had a since of "the grass is not always greener." My h was a preacher son and lived a very sheltered adolescence. I sometimes just have to think he's acting out now! but it doesn't make it any easier!<BR>M<BR><P>------------------<BR>Mater<P>

I actually have thought about "the missing out" part of her growing up. I know that she did miss alot. I know that she may feel that she needs to experience some of these things. That's why I didn't say anything other than I wish she had called so I wouldn't have worried.<P>I'm trying to let her do the "stupid" things that she may have missed, but I feel that we are truly growing apart in the process.<P>Oh well more ramblings in response to ramblings <BR>

Paul<P>I may be a helpless romantic, but if it's true love and meant to be .. What feels like growing apart will be growing up and you'll find yourselves together again. <BR> I know that's not practical advice, but I really feel all things work for the best and what comes around goes around. Those phrases have kept me alive at some points. It's probably hard to believe that I think like that reading some of my cynical posts. I am just in a whirlwind of emotions right now!<BR>Hang in there !<BR>M<P>------------------<BR>Mater<P>

Paul the not calling is part of all of this wanting to be without responsiblities. She just didn't think of it did she? Maybe the growing a part is because she feels that you are too responsible? Now don't jump me for that what I mean is that maybe you two should do some fun silly safe things together. She may see you as the parent in this case and is rebelling agianst you. What can you do I'm not sure see I way past that(you both could be my children) But there are ways to have fun maybe she is missing that or feels that you can't have fun together. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

GREAT ADVICE SDS!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>Mater<P>

SDS: OK smarty pants what do you suggest?<P>Actually before this happened, Monday actually, I called her and asked if dhe wanted to come over Friday evening after she got off work and watch Blair Witch Project with me since it's Halloween and all. She said sure and we had planned on carving pumpkins Saturday with the kids. Knowing my kids I'm sure a pumpkin gut throwing fight will ensue! :P<P>I'm trying to be understanding and will try "silly" fun stuff.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

Hi Paul,<P>I'm still reeling from your message last week. Did I miss something? Has she started to be honest with you? My first thought when I read this thread was not of her irresponsibility but her deceit.<P>I assumed she was not throwing eggs but was actually with her OM. I mean, 4 hours of egg throwing?! My God, how many eggs did they have? Did you confirm her story with her brother? Would her brother lie to you to help his sister? Do you still have reason to believe she is keeping with you to save money for a future separation?<P>I don't want to sound too negative. I just haven't shaken your disturbing post from several days ago. With those findings in mind, I wanted to pose at least a few questions to you.<P>Todd

Earnest Beginner: You are right in alot of things. OM was/is my first thought. I know he met her after work. I have not called brother to confirm story but yes he would lie to me to protect her.<P>As far as our seperation, it's still in limbo. I've put some "respect" distance between us. At times to me it seems as if she is teetering on coming back, so I try not to lovebust if I can help it. Then again this could be more deceit, I don't know.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

Paul,<P>I'm glad to hear your eyes are as wide open as they can be. It is a difficult and painful balance.<P>You are a better man than I. If I were to learn what you did last week, my kids and I would have been GONE!<P>Continue to make smart decisions for you and your kids. I'm sure that if your wife is still in the "fantasy" stage of her affair; she is not (making good decisions, that is).<P>There are a couple of things I wanted to run by you in a more private format. Please email me: enigma@got.net.<P><BR>Todd<BR>

Quote:<BR>-------------------------------------------<BR>If I were to learn what you did last week, my kids and I would have been GONE!<BR>------------------------------------------<P>I would have said the same thing 2 months ago, or even two weeks ago. That's what makes this so hard. When is enough enough?<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

Just got back from work yes, I'm working part-time right now. So I just read your response. I am the old woman around here(48) plus if I knew the fun things to do I wouldn't be posting I might still have my H. According to him I never wanted to do what he wanted to do. Watch videos. Not my cup of tea. <BR> Go fly a kite! I mean it it is silly and fun and you could take the kids. Do things on the spur of the moment. What things does your wife like to do? Does she want you to be romantic? There is a book actually several I cna't remember the exact name but it something 1001 romantic things to do and there are sequals to it. It has romantic and fun things to do some are too expensive butmaybe it would give you some ideas. <BR> You know I didn't even thing about her lying about it. No wonder My H got away with everything for so long. But you cna't alway let yourself believe the bad we have to start trust a little bit. Still would check up. BUt you know my kids could spend four throw eggs. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

I don't know if I'd call it stupid. She is acting her age. She missed a lot of her childhood getting married so young. Looks to me like she is acting out. But she is a wife and mother, I would hope she'd act a little better.

Paul <P>I have always heard this quote and I don't know who originally said it, but I have truly learned the meaning in the last year.<P>No one will change until the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.<P>That is when you'll know enough is enough. When it hurts more to deal than to go on, you will know. I have always thought it would be harder to be on my own with 3 kids than living in my marriage until about 3 months ago. When I left my husband saw a side of me he never thought he would see. I was no longer afraid to be alone and I think that is what turned his attitude towards me. We've been back together for about a month and I can say he has been more flexible and nice to me than he has been our whole 7 yr marriage. I am not giving advice on what to do, only what I know in my own heart to be true.<BR>M<P>------------------<BR>Mater<P>

I found out my w(41) and om talked their way into a private swim club over the summer. So maturity doesn't seem to have an age limit.<P>I think my w is trying to relive some lost youth. She was a Christian at an early age, never partied at college, and was starting to loosen up when I met her, and then we married and settled down. I guess it is amid life crisis.

Mater - Jeez, remind me to steer clear of YOU if I ever have mischief on my mind (which I do quite a lot, actually!) Only kidding, but --<P>Paul - Like some of the others, I do think you might lighten up a bit about stuff like that. Though I do also share EB's concern about what else your W might have been doing during those 4 hrs. I know one of my W's tactics in her affair is to say she's going out on an errand when she's meeting the OM. The thing is, she actually DOES do the errand too, and usually comes back with some evidence (groceries, clothers, etc.) So she's not actually lying, just not telling the whole truth. Your W probably did throw the eggs. But what else? Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex