You intend to cross petition for full custody and take a stab at it in court tomorrow during HER petition to censure you and seek a custody arrangement to her liking?????

That's crazy sounding.

You see...this is why men lose in divorce/family court. They say things like "I don't care what the judge says...I'll do or say whatever I please to my daughter/wife, etc".

I know you haven't said anything like that to the judge...YET...but that attitude WILL filter through and I guarantee you the judge will take that impression and rule against you. If you think you can roll into court and get the judge to give you whatever you want because it's OBVIOUSLY the right thing to do...you are in for a surprise.

I admit I haven't read through this whole thread. Just a couple posts. You CAN admit your actual cell phone into evidence allowing the judge to read her text messages to you (better make sure there's nothing bad on the phone that they can use against you).

As an attorney myself...I think your children are important enough for you to get an attorney to fight for you/them, however, if not you are basically throwing yourself at the mercy of the court (which is usually the case anyway). You can't get mad (at the judge OR your wife and trust me the judge will be watching you closely). You must seemingly bow respectively to the judge's authority. First impressions are so important. The judge must see a calm and rational man that isn't flying off the handle emotionally and seems to only care about the children's best interests (and NOT getting a pound of his soon to be ex-wife's flesh).

I fear countering her petition will make you appear vindictive, which in turn makes you appear controlling and angry. Courts don't like controlling and angry fathers. If the judge "censures" you...you should humbly accept his "censure" and apologize to the judge and promise not to do it again. You CAN oppose her motion for censure and state WHY you shouldn't be....but allow the judge the courtesy to make a mistake. He/she doesn't know you or your wife. He sees hundreds if not thousands of these cases per year and USUALLY the mother is right and the father is a jerk. The judge will make his decision about whether you are a jerk or not tomorrow pretty quick (presuming you haven't already been a jerk in front of him before). If you are a jerk...he/she won't rule in your favor. If you are not a jerk...he/she will give you a chance. The "LAW" matters a heck of a lot less than you think.

I've got a document you should read....email me.

Mr. Wondering, JD, LLM in Taxation (meaning I am a tax attorney so not a litigation expert)

I would never directly tell the judge what's on my mind. It doesn't mean I won't be thinking it. What she is trying to do is keep me from ever telling anymore truths about her to our daughter because she found out I exposed to daughter. She is also trying to change our parenting plan because I refused to just allow her to not let me see daughter for 3 weeks (She had dd week before mother's day, wanted her mother's day weekend, and wouldn't change her weekend-initially-to allow me to have her the weekend after mother's day).

I understand that it is the right thing to do, but why shouldn't i do it. She's trying to change things so why can't I?

Bless your heart, you have no idea.

Judges don't care about infidelity. Unless your stbxw is having sex in front of your daughter, the infidelity doesn't matter.

Verbal abuse is standard procedure during divorce. The judge will assume that it's been back and forth between the two of you for years and won't care.

If you have emails from her saying that she will not longer argue/cuss, the judge will see that she is making an attempt to do the right thing. Points for your wife.

I have no idea what you meant when you said, "I'm going to let it all hang out," but I suspect that you're planning to go in there with an attitude and act like an arrogant jerk. If that's what you're going to do, you'll be lucky to get every other weekend.

Hon, I'm on another forum where most of the members are dealing with an ex-spouse or ex-girlfriend who is mentally ill. We're talking bi-polar or severe personality disorders. They still can't get sole custody. One woman's 9yo step-daughter lost 10 pounds during a 10-day visit with the mentally ill mother. They still don't have supervised visitation. With another family it took an attempted murder/suicide for the father to get sole custody.

Dude, you've got NOTHING.

Well I'm not there in your state looking over your documents and filings....but it sounds like SHE petitioned the court (made a motion) for changes she wanted. The way it would work is you'd go in and dispute that motion and win/lose that motion. THEN, next week...when you are prepared and have all your documentation lined up...YOU file a motion/petition for a modification of custody order.

I fear if you go in an argue for the judge to give you full custody during HER motion for censure the judge may just grant her order and view you forever after as a loose canon.

You job tomorrow is to defeat her motions. That's it. You are on defense. Later...you file your own motion and go on the offensive. The adage "the best defense is a good offense" doesn't work for men well in family court.

Patience.

Work the judge.

You are the calm rational objective parent and your wife is the nutty one wasting the judges time filing "censure" motions and the like. You sit back and play the nice guy and allow your wayward wife to shoot her case in the foot.

Mr. Wondering

So we had the provisional modification hearing today. Nothing major happened that surprised me. WW wanted to change to state guidelines for visitation instead of sticking with our previously decided plan. She talked about our communication bringing up the emails and texts I'd sent during my plan a from a distance. I did bring up that I had a problem with modifying how we are to communicate because one day she wants it and on others she doesn't. The judge said he would make a ruling on those issues in a week or so.

The interesting thing was when she brought up not wanting our issues to be discussed with daughter, the judge asked why i felt it necessary. I simply said I thought daughter should know the truth about why her family has been torn apart. He said he didn't agree and that it should've waited until she was older.

I told him I didn't explain WW infidelity in terms other than those that she would understand. I hear a gasp from WW followed by "You told her?" I just shook my head, yes. I then look over a few minutes later and see tears streaming down WW's face. I didn't really feel bad about that. I just didn't expect that. I don't know if those emotions from WW were good or bad but it is what it is.

I can't get the picture out of my head of WW's face with the continuous stream of tears flowing down her face. I really think that daughter knowing she was unfaithful really crushed her. I can't say that I don't hope somehow that that will have some type of positive effect on her.

I am really nervous with you not having a lawyer. I really don't feel you are fully protected. Can you file another motion and seek to get at least 50/50 going for your daughter?

In the meantime, can you up your visits, phone contact, and other options for your daughter. I think going full force in contact will help your 50/50 chances.

Good Luck Tough~

Sounds to me like an act in front of the judge. The judge agreed with her, she's in the middle of HER petition to get the judge to give her something and she's got you saying you told her. My bet is she already knew but ACTING shocked made her case that much stronger.

Think about it...if she truly cared about her kid(s) she wouldn't be filing for divorce and/or having an affair in the first place.

The better answer would have been that you've been doing a lot of reading and many prominent psychologists believe that telling the children the truth about their lives in an age appropriate manner is the only way to handle these situations. Then offer to provide documentation of such experts supporting your beliefs. If you judge thinks it's wrong...you apologize and just indicate you are doing the best you know how FOR YOUR CHILDREN and appreciate the judge's input.

Mr. Wondering

I agree that I should have used a professional's opinion as the basis for my argument but I totally disagree with the fact that it was an act. She was trying to get the "gag order" to keep me from telling daughter about her infidelity not knowing that I'd already told her. Aside from that, there is really nothing more to tell. She was really and truly crushed.

Also, you say if she cared for DD, she wouldn't be doing these things. But don't most waywards only think about themselves? She has stated from the beginning that this is all about her.

But Mark, that's the point MrW is trying to make. Your WW really doesn't care about her DD, just as every other WS.

You can't turn back time, but MrW realy does make some valid points. And if you are going to represent yourself, you are going to do a lot better. Have you done any research? All of your spare time should be spent finding out a way to get more time with your DD. Or are you satisfied with what you have now?

Have you even gone onto the divorcing section on this site? On any site? I am sure that there are sites out there with forums for legal problems. While the people may not be lawyers, they may know a lot and be able to help guide you.

I don't want to beat you down so you give up, I want you to get angry enough to FIGHT. This is a WAR. You are trying to save your DD from a horrible life. Your DD is at great risk of suffering from many horrible things if your WW continues down this destructive path.

To be honest, I agree with MrW about the "show" your WW put on. She already knew, and you can bet that she is coaching your DD. You're going to need to see your WW for what she really is and that is WAYWARD. The woman you married is long gone.

So our pastor called my WW last night to see how she was doing after what happened. She told him she had been telling her friends that she had possibly been too hasty in making her decision to divorce but the hurt from what I told our daughter was too much to overcome.

She said that she just wished that we could have been able to sit down and talk about things. I told him that was nonsense. I tried to talk to her but she only wanted to point out my faults. She also would escalate the conversations even after repeated requests to talk civilly. She even turned down the last request to simply have a cup of coffee together.

She knows where I stand. She knows I'm willing to deal with my part in our marital breakdown. She knows I take full responsibility in whatever I did or didn't do. She knows that the option for reconciliation is a available. She knows I still love her.

At this point, the balks in her court. If she wants to come back to the marriage, she's gonna have to make an effort. I've done all I'm gonnado until she decides. If not, although I don't want the divorce, it will become a reality if it depends on me.

All very typical wayward statements from her. And, if you are in a true Plan B, you should ask the pastor not to talk to you about her anymore. You shouldn't be hearing anything about her.

Have you read any of the threads about exposure and read that MOST waywards say things like, "I was going to work it out with you, but since you told so and so, I am done." TYPICAL

I haven't been here in a while so I thought I'd post an update. I found out yesterday from my WW's cousin that their family is tired of our ordeal but also they are somewhat upset with me for exposing my wife. She told me that if I wanted my wife back, exposing her is not the way to go because it has done nothing but make her mad and push her farther away.

She also told me that I need to not be vindictive and hateful, but loving and passionate. I simply told her that those things have been done and that I'm sorry they didn't like finding out about WW. I said if she's mad, it's because what she's doing is no longer a secret. She says that I need to stop trying to make my wife look bad. My response was simply that I told the truth and if the truth hurts, then she has the option to stop doing those things.

Im really most bothered, I guess, by the fact that they feel more inclined to just overlook her actions and point the finger at me. But I guess I really should t be surprised. Blood is thicker than water as they say.

The cousin says they are tired of the ordeal?
Ha! They are not in the thick of it like you are in 'tired of it'.
Sheesh.

They are upset about the WW being exposed?
Ha! Not as upset as you for having something like this TO expose.

That the cousin is making it about them is sad. So sad.

But. It is what it is.

You did the right thing speaking the truth to all. Whether they agree of not. Now they know the truth. Better than being kept in the dark. All around.

Yeah, I know I did the right thing. I actually wrote the same family member to which I exposed, in essence, a plan b letter. I just told them I'm sorry they felt the way they do about my exposure but my intent was not to hurt or embarrass my WW. It was with the hope that enough of them would care enough about my family to speak out against what she was doing and cause her to stop long enough to consider what she was doing to our family.

I told them that I still loved them all, that I appreciated all the love they've shown me over the years and I hoped the best for them in the future. I ended with this, "I guess what I'm really saying to you all is goodbye. Maybe if God decides to do a spiritual heart transplant on my ww, it's just so long for now. Who know. God bless you all"

Wow! I get yet another response from a different member of WW's family. It said that WW knows right and wrong and that it is not their responsibility to point out her mistakes.

I've never seen so many people, most if not all are christians, who would much rather watch a loved one fall than to try to steer them in a different direction. I know that nothing they say is guaranteed to do anything but not of them are even willing to try. That is so sad.

It's almost like they have left her out on a limb all by herself. If she falls, she falls. If she doesn't, she doesn't.

Most people are cowards. And cowards always take the easy way out. I don't know how they live with themselves. Can't control what other people do, but you can control how you react to it. You're doing a good job. Just don't do anything that will let them be able to say, "See, he really is a nut-job." As long as you hold yourself up to a higher standard, you can live with yourself. That is the most important thing. No one stood up to my WH either. Although, most of the people in the family have had affairs themselves, so..... Stay strong.

As I thought about this even more, I became troubled and hopeful all at the same time. Troubled because if everyone has this type of mindset with my WW, they will probably not try to steer her in a better direction either. It really saddened me to think about it that way, but it seems to be reality.

I became hopeful because I would like the opportunity to be there to say something when no one else will, if DD is making a mistake. I can still do it if the divorce happens but it won't be the same as if I was there everyday. There would probably be things that happen that I would never even hear about. I already have to remind her to say her grace when she's with me. That very rarely happened prior to all of this. And yes, that nay be just a small thing but, as she grows, there will be more of a need to have consistent, positive influence in her life.

I was thinking last night about this whole situation. We've been separated for 8 months and have been going through the divorce process for 7. I seem to be at the point where I just want to say the heck with mediation and just go to the court requesting that we just dissolve this marriage and move on. I really don't care about the material things we've yet to resolve. I don't care about nothing else other than simply moving on with my life.

As long as I stay married, I won't date and get the opportunity to actually feel the companionship and love that we all desire. As long as she is still my wife, I will have strong emotional tie that keeps me so hopeful that things will turn around. How can I solve that? By taking the step that means she is no longer my wife.

I can financially rebuild since we both came into our relationship with nothing. I can rebound from all of the hurt and frustrations that this ordeal has caused me. I can rise above this.

There are roughly about 2 more months left before our divorce will be final and I really don't see her changing. I feel like I should just expedite the process and move on. I've never given up on anything in life. My name, Mark, actually means "mighty warrior". Lord knows I have put up a valiant effort for my family. Sometimes you just have to take Kenny Rogers advice and "know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em". My mind tells me that a fold may be in order.

My thoughts.

Just continue onward as you have planned and consider that changing your mindset to getting it over with will do nothing additionally positive for you.

In two months, you will be divorced if you continue on this path and mediate as you planned previously.

Why switch gears when it is just an emotional whim? Trying to get it over to be free?

If she doesn't change pre-finalization of the divorce.....you will be free to move on and be in the exact same place you otherwise would be if you said "Let's end it this second".

Just consider that the emotions you are feeling right now are positive for you.
You are recovering. Your desire to just move on is a plus for you. You are less needy of WW. Yay.