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 That's all I have to say.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Great news about the pastor. Glad someone is standing up for you on WWs side.
Now, about this "attempted communication" by WW, how did she try to get through, and how did you find out? Plug up those holes. Let her stew in her own filth.
Glad you came back to update us tonight. Keep to your Plan B. Dark right?
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Well, she's tried mostly through messages on phone. I will say I did listen to the messages (here comes the 2x4's) but I have not responded or spoke to her since early June. I will say there have still been some rough days but all and all, I'm doing okay. Taking it day by day.
I do still love her deeply in spite of all that has gone on over the last year (wow, it'll be a year next month). I have made a lot of progress. At one point, I didn't think I could survive without her. Now I know that I can and that I may even have to. Its just that I may have more difficulty than I thought harnessing the thoughts of the past 11 yrs.
I did have to tell a family friend, who'd told me unsolicited info about what he'd seen and her, to no longer pass that info on to me. He understood.
BS - Me 36
WS - wife 34
Married 10 yrs
DDay - Early November 2010
WS filed Divorce 11/9/10
Divorce final 12/22/11
1 Corinthians 13:7: (LOVE) Beareth all things, believeth all things, HOPETH all things, endureth all things.
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So.......next time she leaves a message you are going to do what???????? Let's hear it. Say it with me, DELETE.
You will be amazed at how much more quickly you will begin to heal once you have eliminated this source of anguish. I know you probably think that it doesn't affect you too badly, but I am here to tell you that you are most definitely WRONG.
So, what new things have you done for yourself?
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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I know it probably wouldve helped if I didn't listen but I wanted to see what they were about. One was about the dog I've been caring for this entire time. One was about her wanting us to file bankruptcy together because it would be cheaper to do it together (she mentioned that I should get money from my IRA to pay for it). One was because she questioned where my mind was since I don't respond.
From now on, I won't even listen....
BS - Me 36
WS - wife 34
Married 10 yrs
DDay - Early November 2010
WS filed Divorce 11/9/10
Divorce final 12/22/11
1 Corinthians 13:7: (LOVE) Beareth all things, believeth all things, HOPETH all things, endureth all things.
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Just thought I'd post a short little poem that has helped me greatly:
When through life's darkened maze I go
And troubles overwhelm my soul,
O grant me, Lord, your grace to know
That You are surely in control.
Hopefully, it may help someone else, too.
BS - Me 36
WS - wife 34
Married 10 yrs
DDay - Early November 2010
WS filed Divorce 11/9/10
Divorce final 12/22/11
1 Corinthians 13:7: (LOVE) Beareth all things, believeth all things, HOPETH all things, endureth all things.
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Thanks for the poem Mark. Helps me..........
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Well, day by day, I start to feel a little better. Spent some time with some friends today and had a ball. The hitting instructor got from spring/summer has tapered to a stand still, but that's okay.
I had developed some strong feelings for a social worker that comes by my school but they seemed to have tapered off since I found out she was married. I really don't want to date, though, since I'm still married but I've been okay for the past 11 months, so what's a few more. I do still have some hope that WW will hit a snag somewhere and be shaken back to reality, but I will survive if it doesn't happen.
We have a "status" hearing in a couple of weeks since mediation has not been reached. Don't know what to expect at one of those but all of this is new to me. I will continue on my course and continue to pray for her.
After almost a year, I know that my $LB is not empty and I don't know if it ever will be. But for now, it's just me with her living in her fantasy world of sin and adultery. I pray for her constantly but I continue to seek God's cleansing work in my own life as well. I made many mistakes so there is still some cleaning that needs to happen but I continue on.
Btw, what exactly is a status hearing?
Last edited by marksaysay; 09/15/11 08:58 PM.
BS - Me 36
WS - wife 34
Married 10 yrs
DDay - Early November 2010
WS filed Divorce 11/9/10
Divorce final 12/22/11
1 Corinthians 13:7: (LOVE) Beareth all things, believeth all things, HOPETH all things, endureth all things.
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Mark - I would encourage you to try and avoid contact with women until you are divorced. Your emotional state is high, and you are feeling vulnerable. Since you love your wife still, it is best to take the time to work through those emotions.
Marriages have been saved at the 11th hour before. Keep yourself in deep prayer, and know GOD is working what needs working.
Plan B - Patience, Time, and Consistency!!!
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Mark - I would encourage you to try and avoid contact with women until you are divorced. Your emotional state is high, and you are feeling vulnerable. Since you love your wife still, it is best to take the time to work through those emotions.
Marriages have been saved at the 11th hour before. Keep yourself in deep prayer, and know GOD is working what needs working.
Plan B - Patience, Time, and Consistency!!! x1000 I haven't heard of a status hearing, but I would imagine that it is one where the judge sees to to "encourage" both parties to get on with the mediation. Do you have a lawyer?
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Neither of us have been able to afford lawyers.
I know that women should definitely be off limits for me right now. I'm extremely vulnerable as I discovered with the social worker but that's one temptation that has been overcome. Just have to be more aware in the future.
And I know that anything's possible. It's been almost a year and Dr. Harley suggest two years because the fog, if it ever will, usually wears off during that time frame.
Someone on another forum told me that after a year, if she hasn't snapped out of it, she never will. Maybe not on her own, but I believe she will. God is definitely the one who has to shake her back into reality. I just don't know if I'll be there when that happens.
BS - Me 36
WS - wife 34
Married 10 yrs
DDay - Early November 2010
WS filed Divorce 11/9/10
Divorce final 12/22/11
1 Corinthians 13:7: (LOVE) Beareth all things, believeth all things, HOPETH all things, endureth all things.
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So not true that she will "never" snap out of it. Even on this site, DrH suggest no more than 2 years but not because the WS will NEVER snap out of it, it is just much more difficult after all of that time. The BSs life no longer revolves around the WS, and a lot of the things the WS does in that amount of time is hard to overcome. After 2 years, the BS should be ready to move on. I am reaching that 2 year point, but I am not ready. When the time is right, I will do what needs to be done.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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I didn't really accept that it was true. Actually many do come back asking for another chance but it's usually after the BS has moved on.
What's kinda different right now is that I'm currently attending the church where WE went, where she grew up, where her local family attends but she doesn't come. I see her family and all the people who watched her grow up every week but she's not there. It's like I'm at home in her HOME church but she isn't.
She can't feel at home or at peace there for obvious reasons but it's just odd I see them more than she does.
BS - Me 36
WS - wife 34
Married 10 yrs
DDay - Early November 2010
WS filed Divorce 11/9/10
Divorce final 12/22/11
1 Corinthians 13:7: (LOVE) Beareth all things, believeth all things, HOPETH all things, endureth all things.
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Be her Lighthouse Mark ... I hope some others find comfort from the storm...
Your spouse is in huge conflict....
the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...
the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...
It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush
their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...
their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth
all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...
yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....
they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...
he or she is lost to themselves...
and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...
You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...
see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...
Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....
they are untrustable right now...
but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...
you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....
set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....
without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...
you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....
Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....
your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...
and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...
be the lighthouse....
OK that's really out there I know....
strength to you all..
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That was touching, ITL. Months ago, someone else used the lighthouse analogy similarly. Your post reminds me of a quote I read a while back that said, "you'll never find in sin what you go into sin to find".
While she seems so happy, I find it hard to believe she really and truly is. I believe it's all a facade she uses trying to avoid some deep rooted issues I'm fully aware of. Her step-mom, who's known her since she was 2 said she looks happy but she doesn't feel she's really happy. This was after recently seeing her for the first time since this saga began.
Sometimes I feel crazy for still having these feelings. For being willing to accept someone back who's essentially stomped all over my heart. I guess real love is hard to explain. To some, it's even hard to fathom.
Right now, I guess I do consider myself a lighthouse with a bright light attempting to direct a lost ship to safety and security. The light is still bright, but lights do eventually burn out. Id like to say that mine never will, but I can't.
Last edited by marksaysay; 09/16/11 09:12 PM.
BS - Me 36
WS - wife 34
Married 10 yrs
DDay - Early November 2010
WS filed Divorce 11/9/10
Divorce final 12/22/11
1 Corinthians 13:7: (LOVE) Beareth all things, believeth all things, HOPETH all things, endureth all things.
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I am MMMAAADDD!
While in a parade this evening, I looked over and saw my wife, daughter, and OM like they were a family. It didnt bother me to see her and him but it did bother me to see her and him with MY daughter. Now my daughter is being even more corrupted after all of this.
That really p!sses me off!
BS - Me 36
WS - wife 34
Married 10 yrs
DDay - Early November 2010
WS filed Divorce 11/9/10
Divorce final 12/22/11
1 Corinthians 13:7: (LOVE) Beareth all things, believeth all things, HOPETH all things, endureth all things.
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You know, it's ok to be mad about that. Be strong, you have friends that are praying for you tonight....for direction, for wisdom and for peace.
Me...saved by grace
Him...wonderful husband
Us...3 years in to our new life and better every day!
and we have 3 great kids (20,19,17)
Eph. 5:22-33
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You know, it's ok to be mad about that. Be strong, you have friends that are praying for you tonight....for direction, for wisdom and for peace. Be strong brother. Call your lawyer. CV
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I'm sitting thinking about all that has happened over that last year and I think I've given up all hope that my marriage can be saved or even that reconciliation is even possible. I'm beginning to even question whether it was my love or stupidity that kept me holding on to that hope.
What I saw tonight (wife and daughter with other man after all the talk about keeping her private life private and away from our daughter), I even question whether or not I still love her. Seeing that hit me to the core. Not only is my daughter being negatively influenced but she is now being exposed to anorher man.
WW has probably been exposing her to him for a while now and that makes me so angry!!!
BS - Me 36
WS - wife 34
Married 10 yrs
DDay - Early November 2010
WS filed Divorce 11/9/10
Divorce final 12/22/11
1 Corinthians 13:7: (LOVE) Beareth all things, believeth all things, HOPETH all things, endureth all things.
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I'm sitting thinking about all that has happened over that last year and I think I've given up all hope that my marriage can be saved or even that reconciliation is even possible. I'm beginning to even question whether it was my love or stupidity that kept me holding on to that hope.
What I saw tonight (wife and daughter with other man after all the talk about keeping her private life private and away from our daughter), I even question whether or not I still love her. Seeing that hit me to the core. Not only is my daughter being negatively influenced but she is now being exposed to anorher man.
WW has probably been exposing her to him for a while now and that makes me so angry!!! Mark, Remember that i love you, bro, when I say this... You have to have a solid plan. You cannot just sit back and watch your WW dismantle what's left of your life. You need to get a lawyer and fight for custody of your child. Whether you love your WW or not, you have to take a stand and say "this OM will not act as my daughter's new dad". You also need to be working to prevent yourself from being triggered. Every time there is contact of any sort, there is a trigger. CV
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