Hello - I'm new here and glad I found a support community during this time.

Here is my short story: My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years, together for 10, and have a sweet little girl who is almost 2 years old.

My DH is a wonderful husband and father - a good person all around - caring, sweet, romantic, etc. However, he is very needy and this has caused him to become unattractive to me over time. Right now, I feel absolutely nothing for him and when he touches me, I actually become anxious. Over the last 8-10 months, things have progressed from bad to worse and I finally made the decision that we need to separate. He is heartbroken.

We are currently in marriage counseling, have drafted a separation agreement through a mediator and I'm currently looking for apartments. However, I have second thoughts because of my daughter.

My question is - I don't feel like I will ever be attracted to him a way a wife is supposed to be attracted to her husband. I see him as a good friend. In the long run, I'm afraid one of us will have an affair as a result. But I often wonder if its possible to ever get it back? Ultimately, marriage counseling is not helping because they can't make me feel something that is just not there.

Anyone else been in this situation? What did you do? If I didn't have my daughter, I know what the right decision is - but I owe it to my daughter to do everything I can to make it work.

Thanks for reading/listening.

Hi 123eVA, there is actually is a very effective method that when used right, can cause you fall back in love again. People fall out of love because once they get married they don't do the things necessary to maintain it. So even if you got married again, you would be in the same state again within 6 years of being married. You will just repeat the mistakes you made here.

Your marriage counselor doesn't have the slightest idea how to restore the romantic love to your marriage, though, and is probably going to wreck your marriage if you keep going. Separation is the worst thing you can do in your situation.

The ideal solution for you all would be for you to be in love again. The solution to a bad marriage is to work to turn it around, not to just abandon it.

Have you met someone else?

Hi, 123. Have you read this?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb2.cfm?recno=3&sublink=20

Welcome to Marriage Builders. The name says it all.

What's the long story. SHort stories usually don't give the details.

Yes, you can save your marriage, you can be in love with your husband again. You have to want to. And you have to work at it. You have to acknowledge your part in the demise. And fix your part. He has to do the same.

Drop the marriage counseling, it is not going to help. Instead, order the home course here, and call the Harleys. If you are truly serious about giving it everything you have got in you, then follow the Marriage Builder's plans to restore love to your marriage.

Be thankful you have a husband who cares. Some of us don't. A lot of us don't.

Your husband being 'needy' usually is a good indication that he needs something you are not giving him. What is it? (Yes, the wisdom in that sentence is astonishing even me)

Oh yeah, be prepared and ready for the and and and and and then when you get enough of those and see things clearly for what they are, you get and and and and one day you and your husband can be

you just have to want it bad enough to do the work to get it there.

Don't do this just for your daughter, but for your husband, AND yourself. I don't quite get how someone can describe their husband as you did, and then say you want to divorce. Hence, the long story.

MelodyLane - Have I met someone else? No. Over the past 8 months, I have found myself attracted to other men, when in the past I only had eyes for my husband. However, there has been no one specific and I have not pursued or acted on anything. Attraction = meeting someone, thinking they were physically attractive and might have felt slight chemistry that I would have no have let myself feel in the past.

markos - I found the link very interesting and have been reading a lot tonight. Thank you! The sexual aversion section is me 100% - it was like a light bulb going off.

Long Story: Over the years, my DH has always tried to 'change' me and I felt like he was trying to transform me into his 'perfect wife'. While he would shower me with gifts, compliments, surprises, affection - there was always something I wasn't doing enough of. The big one was sex. He wanted to have sex 3+ times a week and didn't understand why I didn't have the same sex drive. At one point, he told me there was something wrong with me and I needed to seek help because I had no sexual desire for him. He harped on this for many many years.

We had my daughter and things progressively got worse. I work full time, come home, give my undivided attention to my daughter and then have about an hour to myself before bedtime. My DH wanted that to be "us" time - usually involving sex - but as a result, I had no "me" time. At the same time, we gave up a passion of mine - international travel. We always said we would travel with the baby, but when she came, he refused. I went on an international volunteer trip for 10 day and he made me feel incredibly guilty for it saying that I shouldn't leave my daughter.

When I say 'needy' - his need for affection has always been a 10 or 11 and mine is much lower at a 3-4. I don't need constant affection to be happy. Therefore, he is always wanting more and I feel like I'm already giving more.

Over time, I just shut down to the marriage - I was sacrificing myself, while feeling like I was not a good wife and developed a sexual aversion to him.

You all have been SO kind to answer my first question - can we fall back in love - Yes! Then why don't I want it bad enough to do all the work it takes to get there?!! What is wrong with me that he's willing to do the work, and I'm not?!

The answer is simple. You don't have anything in the love bank on your side from him.

What are your top needs?? Read that section and see what you come up with. I will guarantee you he is not meeting your needs.

Somewhere along the line, while you may not be filling his most important need, you are probably filling the others at the top of his list, and that is enough to keep him loving you.

edited to add:

I see quite a few DJ's on his part in what you wrote.

And here is the reason WHY you fell out of love: you neglected your marriage. Your job, your daughter all came before your marriage so naturally you fell out love. Do you think you would fall in love with someone NEW if you gave him such short shrift? Would you fall in love with a dating partner if you only saw him 30 minutes a week - if you had time - and avoided him like the plague? Of course not. You would have never fallen love with anyone that way.


What is wrong with you is you are not in love. So you have no motivation. Having a bad marriage is much harder than a good marriage. A great marriage takes very little effort. A bad marriage takes ALOT OF effort.

All you have to do is follow this program and you can fall back in love again. It doesn't take that long. About 8 to 12 weeks to see a dramtic difference.

Thank you for your advice - it has been very helpful. After reading about the love bank, I realized I am missing the following:

- Recreational companionship: no traveling, no same interests, etc. I think our time together became all about our daughter.
- Conversation: I want intellectual conversation on interesting topics.
- Attraction: very important to me, but as a result of everything, this is gone.

I am in 100% limbo on what to do. I keep going back and forth - I made a committment to him and our family - but at the same time, I have doubts that I will ultimately be happy with him.

Yes, we were happy in the beginning, but I have grown and evolved over the last 10 years and I don't think he will be ok with my continued personal growth. I think he will stifle it and I will have a feeling of being trapped.

As well, the sexual aversion to him is so strong, it seems impossible that I am able to reverse it without some major help.

With those thoughts in the back of my mind, it's very hard to find the motivation needed to do a program. It seems almost impossible to me to go back in time.