Read up, Lost...you're missing a lot. Mostly POJA, I'm thinking...IB, dishonesty, etc...

Read the books.

I am sure I am missing a lot, particularly if there has been outright lying, covering up things, etc. I guess my point was that if his IB was simply work-related, and there truly was nothing shady going on (like hooking up with a co-worker or something,) how is that absolutely horrible, other than you don't like it? I understand the concept of POJA, but again, it's not like he's golfing all the time and partying with the guys - that to me would be IB that was more selfish and you could take issue with. Unless he IS using his work trainings and events as excuses to do things that are not conducive to your marriage or to avoid being with you and the family, etc. So again, I am probably missing a lot, and have read some of the materials on this site (of course not all, I am new here) but it seems like some IB should be OK if it is not to the detriment of the family and he is engaged and connecting with you on other fronts (although that doesn't sound like that is the case here.)

You surely know there are lots of jobs out there that require travel away from home (my sister would sometimes have to drive 5 hours round trip for a 1 hour meeting -- not cost-effective OR time-efficient, I know!) and would attend out of state trainings, but it wasn't doom and gloom for her marriage. I guess it wasn't a sticking point for her husband, so they had "POJA" on that issue.

I will let this go now, because I am sure I am sticking my nose into the middle or even first third of an ongoing situation without having even a small portion of the whole picture! So, I apologize and wish you the best of luck in working through all this. I hope your husband comes around for you and your family ;0)

That's okay, Lost. You'll catch on about IB when you stick around and learn more about MB. Doing things separately from your spouse is absolutely fine so long as it is POJA'd--that is not IB.

IB is only things you do without considering your spouse and/or blatantly disregarding their feelings about it. It's a big difference.

Well, I must be doing something right because he's called nine times today (me? zero), and this last time, he's already at the airport and through security and sounded absolutely homesick.

Plus: getting that pool table has been fantastic. Even after the rough start, which thanks to MB principles we smoothed out rather quickly, we've been shooting like madmen and have been having tons of fun. Almost got caught having SF down there when the kids were supposed to be in bed, had to move upstairs.

Pooh: that one-day training he went to? It's a two-phase program, just found out today. I do not have proof that he knew this other than an email that said, "As a reminder, phase two will be..." He denies having known, and still asserts that he will do NO overnights. I have no info other than it will be a couple of months down the road, and it is required for those who attended phase one. It could be in Italy for all I know.

Just feeling duped again today, but going to make some grilled salmon with a bok choy and pineapple salad and try not to dwell on all the things I do not know.

Hi CWMI,

Glad you're having fun playing pool. I've always found pool to be a sexy game when played with a spouse (something about cues and pockets I guess!). This is opposed to bowling where my husband always says he feels a bit anxious about seeing how easy it is for me to lob a 14 pound bowling ball down the alley.

I think it's the bending over the pool table.

I'm still pulling teeth here, but that's only because there's still teeth to pull...funny start to this evening. H came home from work in a lather to cut the grass, immediately, right then, quick peck and it HAD TO BE DONE. I was watching him change from day work clothes to yard work clothes and said that I didn't like it when he jumped right into chores as soon as he got home (this is an old story...). He said, "But it has to be done!"

I said, "I have to be done, too!"

He did a double take, unsure of my meaning (I mean, he didn't have any pants on, ya know?) and asked me what I meant by that.

I told him I like a few minutes to connect with him, like it when he unwinds a minute before jumping into what NEEDS TO BE DONE, we haven't seen him all day.

He said, "Why is it YOUR feelings are the only ones that count?"

I said, probably louder than I should have (bad CWMI), "I just vacuumed and mopped this entire house because of YOUR feelings!"

He looked shocked, finished changing, went and got a glass of water, sat down in the living room and said, "So how was your day?" just as pleasant as can be.

I don't like the daily retraining--he said that if I just had the house vacuumed every day when he came home, he would come in and relax and connect--but my family is worth it.

He's outside now, cutting grass, after asking me if I was okay with him getting started. We had a good half-hour of chit-chat, he connected with the kids, of course I'm okay with it! And I thanked him less profusely than I will later.

ooh, erm, well...RC is about to ramp up again. We've just bought a boat. It started innocently enough at a picnic by the lake, having boat envy, deciding to drop into the dealer, taking a test drive, signing papers...I want to throw up about the money but it's a SWEET boat that we'll get to enjoy every weekend as well as evenings, since the marina where we're storing it is only ten minutes away. Holy carp. I'm on a boat, yeah!

Awesome!

pool table. boat.

both lovely signs of success.

I think these forms of RC are just what's in order to turn things around for you both. They will allow you to be a part of meeting his en's of admiration, rc, convo and allow him to relax and make connections w/ you and the kids.

What do you mean by bolding and quoting and enlarging this, HHH?

I wish you'd just just come out and say what you think, instead of leaving cryptic posts that I have to ask you what you mean.

Original content would be nice.

RMJ, I agree that this kind of RC stuff is exactly what we need. Years of overworking and tending babies takes its toll. We're very fortunate to be able to do this. I've always wanted a boat; we live just a few miles from a HUGE recreational lake.

You answered your own question.

The rest of it; it allows you to relax, rather than drill him about his behavior, which allows both of you to relax together and connect.

You know, after our last exchange, I considered trying to bait you with some kind of similar comment, simply because in coming at me... I didn't once see you bemoan your husband.

That was beautiful.

Alas, I wasn't creative enough to come up with something that would tick you off and ally you with him again.


Here's hoping billiards and boating bring you two the peace you need to start getting some good, pleasant UA time in.

HHH, you're whack. If you were even considering 'baiting me', you ought to find a new hobby.

Lol.

I know. It's that hippy "want everyone to be happy" thing.

You, dear lady, are just too dang far perplexing for my simple mind to help...

I'm pretty simple. All I need is to be loved and not deceived.

Oh, and a boat...lol.

Now we need to negotiate dry stack and wet storage. H is stuck on dry stack. I'm planning to use respectful persuasion to convince him to switch to wet storage by next spring. H has never been part of a 'dock culture', and I think he would LOVE it. He thinks it's bad for the boat, better to keep it dry when not in use. I've been part of dock culture and I think it would add to our boating experience (and H's potential client base<<see what I did there?).

But for now, we're dry stack, it's not important enough for me to press, I'd rather encourage by exposure. I just wish the flipping thing would get here already!!! It's being shipped in from another location.

THAT is the stickler, though. Ain't it?

How the heck do we get you there, when it is you that is here, and not him?