Hello all. I need some help. I have been married for almost 6 years and been with my wife for a total of 12 years. No children. Everything seemed fine until late last year. My wife told me that she was ready to leave me. She said that she felt she needed to run away and no longer had the same feelings for me. I was devastated as I love my wife dearly. I thought that we had a great relationship although there have been times where I know I have let her down dealing with my business. I experienced great stress when the economy started to tank and was basically burnt out by the whole thing. She helps me with the business and had to take over a lot of my duties during this time and I think that ultimately the same thing happened to her. The difference being that while I was suffering through this with the business she was suffering through helping me and is now burnt out on me/us.
She started going out all the time and has been extremely erratic. Immediately upon hearing that she wanted to leave I began reading and reevaluating everything with our marriage. During this time she continued to go out and was pretty much a different person. Recently I discovered that there was an affair that took place. She has told me that it is over and for the most part I believe her. She told me she has broke off all contact and will never see the person again. She says that she is ashamed and feels like she is trying to sabotage the marriage. Since her disclosing this she has been staying home but she is not the same woman.
I have been doing everything I possibly can to meet her needs since I became aware of this situation. Plan A, Plan A, Plan A. She tells me that she is very happy that I am trying so hard but that she has not been able to recommit.
She began individual counseling and upon her suggestion I have been going to my own consoler.
She tried to leave for a short separation several times prior to this but always came back the same day or the next day after staying at a girlfriend�s house. I feel like I have already experienced her leaving several times and it is one of the worst things I have experienced.
So now we are here living in the same house and I am totally uncomfortable to the point that I feel I don�t want to go home any more. She has not been able to recommit to our marriage and says she needs space and time but does not know if she will get her feelings back for me. I have been living with this arrangement for several months and it is killing me. She is still here which is good but��..I don�t know what to do anymore. She says I am great husband now and that she has to work through her stuff on her own. She says she needs space and I am trying to accommodate her but what the hell about me. I have stood by her through this and feel totally alone. She says she is trying to try but things are still in this crazy limbo.
Can someone please help? I can elaborate more if anyone has any questions.

Do you have any children? ages?
How old are both of you?

Did she tell you the affair was over? Or were you able to independently confirm this through snooping?

Hey Cypress

No children. I am 47 and she is 39.

She has told me the affair was over. I am pretty sure this is the case as her habits have changed. She is not going out anymore and spending more time at home.

My problem is all the sudden I am kind of a different guy. We are both very independent, but I find myself wanting to be with her all the time now which is not helping. I am trying to get myself together and return to some kind of "normal" but it has been very hard.

Independence is not part of the MB program, Red.

Order Surviving an Affair.

Until then, begin reading the articles and Q&A Columns.

Hold,

I know. I have been all over this site. I am very thankful it is here because a lot of the stuff out there is junk. I have read everything available plus about 12 books. Also, I will be getting Surviving an affair. I am just feeling helpless at this point because it seems that I am the only one actively trying to work on us. She is working on herself, but is not really doing anything about us. I think she wants me to just wait and maybe she will recommit, maybe not.

OK just ordered Surviving an affair.

Good man!

You are here, you have GOT TO TAKE THE LEAD!

First - click notify, get your thread moved to Surviving an Affair.

Second - investiage the "operation investigate" portion of the forum. You need to start doing some snooping - her reluctance may be due to the fact she has simply taken the affair underground.

Third - read up on Plan A. This is your plan of attack.

Have you exposed the affair?

Hold,

Ok I notified to move the thread. Is there any way I can subscribe to it so I dont lose it?

I am about 99% sure that it is over. She has been with me for the last two weeks and we are doing all of our recreational stuff together. It could be on hold but....

I have been following plan A. It was the best advice I have read about. The problem is that I am getting worn out. Also I feel I kind of crack about every 10 days or so. It has been hard to keep it up. I want to do it and love her so it is all worth it to me. I am not receiving indication that it is working. Especially when she tells me that she doesnt know if she can get her feelings back for me.

^


Also, thread tools are at the top... left? (topic options) of the first post to add to your watch list.

No I have not exposed it. I have read that in several of the posts and articles here but I am very sure that will not be helpful. I am about 99% sure it is over.

It's helpful for several reasons;

It will help break the WW fog.

It will protect your marriage when family and friends who are friends of the marriage now have their eyes on WW.

It will curb some of your resentment.

It will add another layer of protection to promote NC for life, which is a concrete, no negotiation condition for recovery.

I understand. I dont think I am ready for that now, but I will think about it.

If you think it is damaging now -

It won't be as damaging as her returning to her affair partner.

It won't be as damaging as a marriage crippled by lies and infidelity.

It won't be as damaging as a recovery crippled by the dishonesty and shame of your WW as you mingle with family and friends putting on the "happy face" while you are dying inside.

Nut up, and get it DONE.

I hear you. I may already be there.

Red, you can expose the affair and put eyes on the two of them, or you can keep quiet about it and enable the affair to re-ignite at any moment. Your call.

Sorry for the late reply, I was out of town for a couple of days. The affair was over several months ago. I dont feel like it makes any sense now to reveal it. I did not find this site until recently so some time had gone by since then.

I have been trying plan A for about 8 weeks, although it seems it is not working so well. I think maybe she is wondering why I have not filpped out and asked her to leave.

I know this is hard but after 8 weeks of plan A I am getting worn out. Should I keep going on PlanA?

Plan A includes exposure.

Who is the OM? Is he married? Are you spying on her?

Red, Nut up and get it done ----> EXPOSE <---- superior advice and the starting point. Cant be skipped unless its way older than a "Few Months". I have only heard DrH advise Not to Expose in very, very few circumstances. Usually when the A was way in the past! EX 5 - 10 years old.