Found out about WH affair and kicked him out of the house. We have been married for 10 years and together for 14 years. Started dating in highschool. We have 2 children 5 and 8. Found out he was having an affair by seeing all the texts and calls he had been making to her. About 2 weeks later he finally admitted it and that it has been going on for the last 2 years. This is the first time he has done this that I know of. He says he wants to work things out and says how much he loves me. A week after finding out I drove to her house and seen his car there and the same a couple days later. He works at night and gets off at midnight, but he doesn't get home until about 3am or after. He says he is done talking to her and seeing her, but I don't believe him. When I confront him about it he says he goes and sits places after work so he can think about things. I'm not buying that and I am sure he is still seeing her. Not sure what to do at this point because no matter how many times I ask him to come straight home after work he won't do it.

Dnc welcome to MB sorry that you are going through this.

I can tell you with absolute certainty that in my opinion the A is still on. There are tough but effective measures that you will need to take to wean your H off his addiction ( the other woman).

First of all ah e you exposed this affair?? Have you told her family, his family, your family?

Secondly he is the one whom is having the affair so he does not get to say that loves you and want the marriage then refuse to adhere to simple requests
Iike coming home straight after work. By accepting this behaviour you are in effect enabling this affair.
please take a little bit of time to do some reading on here, a quick way to get up to speed on the MB principals it to watch the Dr H video on here about surviving an A.

Yes I have told his family, my family and some of our friends. As to her family and friends, I don't personally know the other woman or know her family or friends so they do not know. I have read the information on this site, but haven't watched the video yet. I did print some of the information off and asked him to read it, but don't think he has read any of it yet. I think the information really helped me and made me understand a lot of things about the A. Just not sure how to get him to quit lying and still having the A. It's like his attitude changes daily and one day he is loving and acts like he is commited to working it out and the next day he seems distant from me. He even brought up moving out of state, so it is like he wants it to end but just doesn't know how to end it.

/facepalm



Honey, I don't know how to stop plunging this knife into you!



Um... just stop?

The question you ask in this thread is how to get him to end it .

1) is kill the A by exposure. Is there a way you can get info in her and her family?

2) if you WH is continuing to behave in a way that is causing damage to the marriage and maintaining contact with the OW then you might need to consider plan B. Cut him off until he agrees to NC with OW and commit to marriage with MB principals in place.

I wouldn't know how to find out who her family is. I don't know anybody that even knows anything about this woman. I do have her phone number and address, but that is about it. I have tried calling her and she doesn't answer and I have sent her several texts and never get a response.

I guess the thing about cutting him off is when I did that in the beginning I'm pretty sure he was going there to stay even though he was suppose to be at his parents house. Also the kids missed him and were very emotional so I let him start staying at home again even though all of his things are still at his parents house. Also when he wasn't staying at home he watches the kids during the day while I am at work so he would be at our house most of the day anyways.

Google her name and see if you can find a facebook account for her. Try www.intelius.com. Plug in her name and it should bring back her name and associated names. Or hire a PI.

Do they work together?

As long as he is drifting back and forth between the two of you, he will be getting all of his needs met. You don't want to allow that to continue. That will not end the affair.

Your kids will miss him a lot more if you divorce instead of killing the A.

Yes she does have a facebook account. That is how I found out her name in the first place because I went into WH facebook account and I knew her first name, but not her last name and she was friends on facebook with him. At that time I blocked her from his page. Her page has very minimal information on it so I couldn't really see anything from her page. If I did find out names of her family, how would I find out how to contact them?

They did work together, just recently she was fired. I have heard rumors that she might be moving to another state, but not certain if she is or not.

Go back to her facebook account and copy all of her friends list. Those people will be part of your exposure. You can send them a message through facebook when the time is right.

How do you know she was fired? You need to find this out independently of your WH. Don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth right now. Waywards are notorious liars. Is there another person you trust who can verify this?

His dad works with him so I can verify with him to see if she still works there. I haven't verified it yet, but I will.

How would I know when the time is right to message her facebook friends about the affair?

and then
Coincidence?



You need to find out if she's still on the job or not.

The fastest horse for killing this affair is to expose it far and wide. If she is still at that job, get the names of their supervisor, manager and CEO/President. It wouldn't hurt to get the name of their company attorney and HR manager. These people are excellent exposure targets.

You do exposure all at once. You would expose to her FB friends at the same time you'll expose to the employer. You don't want to do this a little bit at a time. Get your list of exposure targets together first.

Ok I just verified she did get fired and also he told me he would be going to days starting next month and that I also verified as true.

I may have missed this - is she married? Go to www.intelius.com and plug in her name. See what comes up. It should show associated names and their ages. A man's name close in age will likely be her husband. He is your main exposure target.

Try that and let us know what you get.

She is suppose to be moving to Arizona because that is where her family lives. This is what he said anyway. His dad did say this too. He actually wanted to move to a different state than Arizona.

I did check into all that information when I found out. I did find out she is married, but seperated. Her husband physically abused her and they have been seperated for over 2 years, but they aren't divorced yet.

Her moving is no way a guarantee of the a ending. Exposure and a plan is the only way forward. Everyday that you allow him to treat you and the kids with nothing less than full transparency is another day you are allowing this A to go on.

Cutting him off means you don't worry, ask or have any contact with him, where he lives or goes is his problem and he certainly would not be allowed to enter the marital home even if your not there until he agrees to send a NC letter and cuts her off completely. It is a plan that helps you too as you get space to recover from the hurt you are enduring daily and it protects your feeling for him from being further damaged. There really isn't a magic cure all the options to recover a marriage involve a lot of hard work and perseverance. There aren't short cuts or ways round it.

Have you verified this independently of your wayward?
These are the oldest lines in the book. The OP is usually not separated, and their spouse is usually not an abusive person. These are things an OW will tell their AP in order to justify the affair and to appear to need 'rescuing'.

You need to get in contact with OWH.

My husband actually told me she was married and they were just friends and went out sometimes to have drinks. It was another source that told me she was either divorced or going through a divorce. Then the WH told me she was legally seperated. I looked her up on our court web site and it doesn't show any divorce so she is still married. I can't be certain but it did list her name and another name who I am assuming is her husband and it listed a domestic abuse case for him. It had 3 different people with the same name though and it didn't have a birthdate by that one so I can't be 100% sure it was her and not a different person with the same name as her.

If there is a court case with a man listed as the defendant, you can bet he is her husband. Google his name. Track him down.

That is usually a lie, but if she is "separated" from him it will be no problem to inform him of the affair. Many women play the abuse card in an attempt to garner sympathy and to scare people from telling on her. But as long as he is married to her he has a right to know what she is doing because it affects him.