Sorry for confusion...knew I was rambling.

~We've been married almost 9 yrs--together for 16 1/2 yrs
~Affair has been going on for about 2 months
~WH and OW still text and call each other
~He says they are not sleeping together anymore
~She didn't say she was pregnant until after they talked about ending the affair. Supposedly she went to a dr on 6/10/11 and confirmed that she was 5 1/2 wks pregnant...however, WH was working this is all just her word...have seen no ultrasound...have no real proof that she is not just trying to keep him by faking it
~Yes they still work at the same hospital. Since WH is still completing residency program, it would be very difficult for him to leave hospital....however, she could leave (and when I called her to confront her about everything I told her she should...but so far she is not listening)

Alright, I'm off to library to pick up SAA book

He told me he was going to end it and then later that week she says she is pregnant. Now he says that he doesn't know what to do...feels that he should be there if she is having a baby (he doesn't want any more kids), doesn't know if he can get over guilt and hurt that he has caused us. I tell him I want to try to improve our marriage. I don't want to throw away 16 1/2 yrs.

~She didn't say she was pregnant until after they talked about ending the affair. Supposedly she went to a dr on 6/10/11 and confirmed that she was 5 1/2 wks pregnant...however, WH was working this is all just her word...have seen no ultrasound...have no real proof that she is not just trying to keep him by faking it

Thanks Surfer88.

Yes, I do agree that there should be NC. I despise that woman that befriended my children. It is bad when they say why don't you like her...trying to be civil...I simply said she is mean to mommy. In which my daughter says you always tell us we have to be nice & cooperate with everyone. Yes, I do but she is not nice to mommy. (what i really wanted to say was she is trying to take your daddy away from us)

The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.

An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.

Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
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A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.

When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery.

The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight.

2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)

Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse).

My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.

The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.

The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).

Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.

It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.

Why do I want to save my marriage...He's the love of my life, my best friend, father of my children, I can't imagine my life without him. He's never done anything like this before...

When you hear your H has been/is involvedin EMR and a child is on it's way you need to hire an attorney immediately.

1. Even if you plan on trying to work it out, those are your intentions. Your UH has already proven he is not trustworthy, and has to earn that back. By getting a good divorce attorney, you can legally separate, and protect family assests for you and your children. If, after OC is born, and maybe the marraige doesn't make it, your kids would be already protected. If you do make it, this is a wise idea. You and your children should always come first.

2. You will need a laywer if you and your H chose to have contact. This way OW can't manipulate or twist or harrass. You can have visitation,without ever having to say one word to or even see OW. If that is what you want. If OW starts phoning granparents, uncles, etc. One word to your attorney, and she can be buried in harassment charges. She has no right to contact and harrass members of your family. By keeping tabs on her and her activities, you can even sue her!!

3. If you couldn't have children, and your H now has OC, an attorney is a must. You would then be able, IN SOME CASES, to get soul custody of the child. This has happend in many cases. OW has pushed and pushed, harrased, and overall gone off the deep end. Her XMM and his wife would take OC and OW would have a fit cause wife would be holding child, or the XMM and his wife clearly presented a more stable enviroment. Now, if you have an attorney, and all the OW antics are recorded and noted, it would be much easier to get custody. At the least, it would keep OW from harrassing you and your family.

4. It is immature and just plain stupid to try and handle this without an attorney. Amicable agreements on the side mean diddly. Get the attorney, get the tests, get court documentation of everything so you and your family are legally protected. EVEN IF YOU ARE WORKING OUT THE MARRIAGE. Once everything is done in a legal manner, then it will be much easier to focus on your marraige and therapy and time to heal and move on. It keeps the OW out of your life.

You can have this anyway you want it. If you want NC, set it up. If you want contact with OC, fine, but that does not mean contact with OW. YOU decide what is best for you and your family. YOU and your attorney will then see that things get set up just so.

Please, I know you are emotional, but get legal representation IMMEDIATELY. NO MATTER WHAT YOU INTEND TO DO.