**POST EDITED TO BREAK INTO PARAGRAPHS FOR EASIER READING. WELCOME TO MARRIAGE BUILDERS, BRALEY.

My husband left for an unaccompanied tour in Europe a little over 2 years ago. We had our issues in the years before he left, but once he got to his duty station things took a turn for the worse. We began fighting all the time. We were both making selfish demands, and to make matters worse he would get upset, hang up on me, and not talk to me until he had decided it was ok.

I then found out he was having an emotional affair. I was heartbroken. I didn't know if I wanted to continue our relationship. Then he was deployed to Afghanistan. Although I didn't intend on it happening, I had an emotional affair as well while he was deployed.

He found out about the emotional affair last October, and both of our affairs have been over for quite some time. Things were better for awhile, and it seemed like we were both working on making our marriage better and stronger. In the past month it has taken a turn for the worse. I admit I am not always calm and respectful when talking to my husband about issues, and I am working to fix that. But he is very angry and has now decided my requests and concerns about some of the things he is doing are just me trying to control him.

He has been spending alot of time with another couple, sometimes spending the whole night at their house without even letting me know he intended to do so. Then I found out that the wife calls my husband whenever she and her husband get into fights so that he can give her advice. This bothers me for two reasons: the first being that my husband has expressed to me his physical attraction to the woman, and the second reason being that our own marriage is in trouble and he would rather get in the middle of their issues and help them.

Now my husband has started spending alot of time with a widow over there. He goes to her house for dinner quite often, and once he stayed all night and told me they just sat and talked. (My husband was with hers when he was killed in action.) I understand him wanting to help her, but staying all night?

I feel disrespected. Now my husband claims I try to tell him who to be friends with and as a sort of punishment has changed his passwords on everything he has online so that I can't see anything he is doing. I refuse to fight fire with fire so he still has access to everything I do online. I also have been staying at home almost all of the time unless I go spend time with my family.

I guess my question is am I out of line to feel disrespected by the things he is doing, or is it considered controlling behavior asking him not to? And if my feelings are valid, what can I do to change the situation? I am miserable. I have read "Fall in Love, Stay in Love," but as of right now I am the only one trying to put the pieces of our marriage back together.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, Braley. The answer to this question is NO. You are not out of line. What your WH is doing is very dangerous to your marriage. He should not be spending time with other women! And staying overnight with them???

You've got land mines all over the place, here, and your gut is letting you know that things are very wrong.










These are all hallmarks of someone in an affair. If I had to put down money, I'd say it's with the widow. I suspect the wife in the other relationship is just adding fuel to his mental waywardness. But it could be with both, so don't rule either one out until you've had a chance to snoop.

I would suggest you get a keylogger on that computer. It would not occur to your WH to lock you out unless he doesn't want you to see something.

I would also suggest you get a VAR to hide in his car so you can hear his conversations when he thinks he's alone.

Start quietly putting together a list of the people who are friends or relatives of the wife/caller and the widow.

Braley,

Are you and your husband together or is he still in Europe? Are you in the states? If so, how much longer until you are together?

Military separations are very, very tough on marriages. It is difficult to meet critical emotional needs when you are living on two different continents. And some people let others meet those needs when away from their spouse.

How long have you been married and do you have children? Does your husband have PTSD after his deployment? How long since he re-deployed?

I am sorry you find yourself here with what looks to be at least one affair.


AM

He is still in Europe, and I am here in the states. We have one more year before he can come home.

We have been married for 5 years as of next month. We do not have any children together, but I do have a child from a previous relationship.

My husband did have issues for a little while after he came back from Afghanistan, but does not say much about them now. For a while he couldn't sleep and told me that he felt hopeless. He re-deployed 9 months ago.

He told me today that he is thinking about cutting contact with me. I feel like he has pretty much walked out the door but just hasn't told me. I just can't figure out if I should try to run after him or just let him go. I'm completely heartbroken.

He said that he would not stop the phone calls and private conversations with the wife of his friend because he is "doing nothing wrong." I asked him if it bothered him that I was hurting because of it, and he said that there's no reason for me to be hurt and that I am just too emotional.

I usually stay out of this forum because it's so hard for me to be here and see the people coming in and how much they are hurting, but for some reason I felt compelled tonight to drop in. Yours was the first post I looked at and my heart is bleeding for you.

My H just got home from being stationed in Germany for two years, and I know only too well the pain and confusion you are dealing with right now. I dont know if I will be able to help you at all, but the people here will do everything they can for you. Listen to what they tell you, even if it is hard to hear, they are very wise.

I will praying for you and your family.

You have to bring in his commander and discuss what is happening. Determine if there is a solution to this, and try to find out how the commander can help. Is there any way you can jump a Space-A flight and go to see your husband?

Your marriage will have little chance to survive if this affair isn't busted. Expose to commander and you may have to expose using facebook and his unit. First speak to his commander to see what the commander suggests. You will need to bring in the military to help you on this one because the distance will only make it worse.

Your husband is in fantasy world and not reality. Deployments do that to them, and it is awful for the family.

Braley,

Another year is a long time to try and hold this together. I agree with itstoughlove. Bring in the commander and the chaplain. If you possibly can, go see your husband.

I am sorry I don't have other suggestions.

AM