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Joined: Jun 2011
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i am married since 6yrs & have a daughter 2.5yrs old. i was dating my wife for 6 years before we got married. now i had an affair with my wife's very close friend who is also married to my close buddy since 7 years. the affair was more emotional in nature than physical & we were caught by my wife in april 2011 & then i confessed everything to her. since then we are trying to build our marriage again , but the problem i m facing is sex is no longer fun the way it use to be before with my wife while i was having an affair. those 8mnths my & my wife had the best sexual intimacy ever since we are married. what should i do ? please suggest. i get very tempted again to talk to the girl as she was part of my daily routine just so that i have no perfomance issues with my wife.need the forum to help me with my problem & wht should i do next.

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Welcome to MB, harry. Are you posting from Europe? I am in London.

It seems as if you have the possibility of easy contact with the other woman (OW). If this is the case, your marriage will never recover. If you are still friends with your "close buddy" (which is an odd way of describing someone you attacked in this way), then his wife's proximity will be a constant trigger in your mind. You will continue to think about her and you will never focus fully on recovery with your wife.

It sounds to me as if your "close buddy" does not know about the affair, because if he did, your friendship would have altered. If he does not know, then the temptation will be very strong for you to talk to (and more) this woman whenever you feel tempted, and it will not be long before the affair resumes.

Additionally, your continuing to have a friendship with this couple is a slap in your wife's face. She has agreed to try and rebuild the marriage and an important form of compensation that you MUST pay her is to have nothing to do with OW in any way, ever again. That means the end of your friendship with this couple.

The steps you must take to begin to recover your marriage are detailed in Dr Harley's article here.

You need to give your wife full details of what went on during the affair, send OW a no contact (NC) letter, tell your friend the full details of the affair (exposure) and take steps to move away from the area if they live nearby or there is a chance you will bump into them.

Only then, when NC is established, can you work on the further steps that Dr Harley prescribes. Only after NC will your feelings about OW subside, enabling you to rebuild your marriage.

One more tip: you need to focus on your wife's feelings and not your own. You have not said a word about the hurt you have caused her in this post and how you attempted to help her recover, if you have - it is all about you. What about your victim?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Hey Harry,
I'll have a lot more to say to you later, but I have to go to work.

For now, I'll just say:

1) You need to fully expose the affair to prevent the possibility of its resumption. Fess up to your buddy & end your family's relationship with his family's.

2) You need to quit parsing words & thoughts ("more emotional than physical", etc.) You had an affair, pal, just like I did. Plain & simple. Most affairs have considerable emotional components. Yours wasn't special.

Recovering a marriage from an affair & building it into a better marriage than what you had before the affair is about way, way more than your "performance issues." Quit making it about you. Get & read the book "Surviving an Affair" asap. You will learn stuff there that might save your marriage.

Stick around & ask questions. Have a thick skin. Some things you hear here will make you mad, but they might make you better. Lots of us have been in your shoes, and even more have been in your wife's shoes. You'll want to pay close attention to what they have to tell you.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Originally Posted by harry007
i get very tempted again to talk to the girl as she was part of my daily routine just so that i have no perfomance issues with my wife.need the forum to help me with my problem & wht should i do next.

You need to remove the temptation, of course, and never have contact with that slag again. Does your close buddy know what you did to him?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Harry,

You are stuck in an impossible fantasy, end it by revealing all to your "buddy", and getting away from easy access to the OW. Get rid of any gifts the OW gave you as well.

God Bless
Gamma

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Fantasy vs. reality.

It isn't all about you and it isn't all about sex either. Your wife was hit by a 2 x 4 of betrayal by a person she trusted most in the entire world and your thinking about how sex isn't as good as it was before she new you were a liar and a cheater?

Really?

I would think you should be thanking your lucky stars that the mother of your child is even letting you any where near her bed right now. What should you do?

Get out of your selfish head and focus on your family.

Confess what you did to all you care about including your friend. No contact with OW at all. Lose the phone number, block it, whatever you need to do. Be done with her. Only then, can you truly work on your marriage and getting the intimacy you crave back.


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i get very tempted again to talk to the girl as she was part of my daily routine just so that i have no perfomance issues with my wife


---------------------

This sounds like finding justification to contact the OW "for" your wife so she will be happy?

No.

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Oh you are a stunner, what would your reaction have been had she been rutting with your best friend.

Listen sweetie, get on your knees, tell your W that you will never never speak to the skank again, that you have told your buddy everything and that you just want to spend the rest of your life making her happy.

Performance..........honestly are you 16??

Get a grip, listen to the vets and boy you should be squirming


Me 50
WH 52
WH in A 6 yrs in total, last 5 yrs JGF (Not!)
DD final 1.12.10
NC letter sent 3.12.10

Working at being the best I can be, the rest is up to you.

He is still a plonker, but he is my plonker!
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oh and tell the skank that you won'y be in contact again or require her to contact you, get the letter written.


Me 50
WH 52
WH in A 6 yrs in total, last 5 yrs JGF (Not!)
DD final 1.12.10
NC letter sent 3.12.10

Working at being the best I can be, the rest is up to you.

He is still a plonker, but he is my plonker!
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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Quote
i get very tempted again to talk to the girl as she was part of my daily routine just so that i have no perfomance issues with my wife.
Are you saying that you want to stay in contact with your AP because you think it will help your marriage?? faint Please tell me I've misunderstood this.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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That's exactly what I was thinking maritalbliss.

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The reason sex is no longer as excitiug with your wife as it was when you were committing adultery?

My thoughts would be that perhaps your wife now believes you were trying stuff out with her to "perfect your technique" before you tried them out with the skank. Her thinking that she was just "practice" for the skank would shut down intimacy really quick!

You are just trying to rationalize a way to have your cake and eat it, too.

Your adultery made a huge withdrawal from your account in your wife's lovebank, and you need to do whatever it takes for her to fall back in love with you enough so that you can regain intimacy. Oh...and intimacy is NOT all about performance, either!


"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"

BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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No it seems he had so little respect for his 'best buddy', his wife or even the OW, he just used her as a fluffer!

He got all turned on by his sexy talk with his buddy's wife and then his wife got the benefit. In his silly alien mind, he thinks it was good for his marriage.

I know, my WH did very similar. He too had the thought that his relationship with ginge was 'good for our marriage' she 'made him a better person'.

Poor alien abdutees

Get a grip boy


Me 50
WH 52
WH in A 6 yrs in total, last 5 yrs JGF (Not!)
DD final 1.12.10
NC letter sent 3.12.10

Working at being the best I can be, the rest is up to you.

He is still a plonker, but he is my plonker!
Joined: Oct 2000
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Originally Posted by harry007
i am married since 6yrs & have a daughter 2.5yrs old. i was dating my wife for 6 years before we got married. now i had an affair with my wife's very close friend who is also married to my close buddy since 7 years. the affair was more emotional in nature than physical & we were caught by my wife in april 2011 & then i confessed everything to her. since then we are trying to build our marriage again , but the problem i m facing is sex is no longer fun the way it use to be before with my wife while i was having an affair. those 8mnths my & my wife had the best sexual intimacy ever since we are married. what should i do ? please suggest. i get very tempted again to talk to the girl as she was part of my daily routine just so that i have no perfomance issues with my wife.need the forum to help me with my problem & wht should i do next.

Is English your second language?

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If it's not, it's still no excuse!:)


Me 50
WH 52
WH in A 6 yrs in total, last 5 yrs JGF (Not!)
DD final 1.12.10
NC letter sent 3.12.10

Working at being the best I can be, the rest is up to you.

He is still a plonker, but he is my plonker!
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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Originally Posted by Tanam
If it's not, it's still no excuse!:)

Excuse me?

I'm trying to determine if he has a reasonable reason his post is so difficult to decipher.
Some of it is nonsensical.
I just wonder why.


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Yes, I know, was just feeling that his actions make themselves pretty clear.

I don't see it as a communication issue


Me 50
WH 52
WH in A 6 yrs in total, last 5 yrs JGF (Not!)
DD final 1.12.10
NC letter sent 3.12.10

Working at being the best I can be, the rest is up to you.

He is still a plonker, but he is my plonker!
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,215
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Is this even real?


FBH,Dad
No half measures, in anything.
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Oh maybe not but it sounds horribily like the fogbabble I used to get, and my WH.....he speaks perfect English lol.

Who knows, he's not been back


Me 50
WH 52
WH in A 6 yrs in total, last 5 yrs JGF (Not!)
DD final 1.12.10
NC letter sent 3.12.10

Working at being the best I can be, the rest is up to you.

He is still a plonker, but he is my plonker!
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 83
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Yup. Sounds like my WH too.

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